Every season, the Abnegation sort through donated clothes and shoes from the factions and give whatever is still usable to the factionless. Five initiates are assigned to work with me and Natalie Prior, whom I've worked with before but don't know very well. She is efficient and organized while warm and quick with a smile. That last trait makes me think she didn't grow up in Abnegation, but I don't ask. Watching her guide and instruct our group makes me wonder what life would have been like for me if she had been my mother. Not that I would wish her a life of being married to Marcus; I only wish I were her son. She knits scarves and mittens for the neighborhood kids when we have some down time, and I've thought about asking her for knitting lessons. The idea of taking a ball of yarn and turning it into something useful is appealing, plus it would give me something to do in the winter when I can't garden. I know it feels good when my neighbors tell me how much they enjoyed the meals they made with my extra vegetables. I figure seeing kids in the hats I could make would feel the same. Moments like those remind me that even with Caleb gone, staying in Abnegation might still be worth something.
At the very least, knitting would keep my hands occupied.
Today, Mrs. Prior is going over the planned schedule for Visiting Day, which is the day after tomorrow. On Abnegation's Visiting Day, everyone and their families, regardless of faction, perform a team community service task like fixing a building. We'll be delivering all the usable clothes to the factionless and taking the rest to the fabric recycling center. I should go with them. I've been with this initiate class since their first day, and it's not like Marcus will join me. He'll be where he always goes: the city council headquarters. To show up at this year's initiate community service project would be another twist of the knife of Caleb leaving. I know at least a few of my initiates are looking forward to having their families join them. But as Mrs. Prior talks, my thoughts go to Caleb. I wonder if he will be all alone, or if he'll have the company of friends whose families won't visit either.
Mrs. Prior and I are waiting for our initiates to bring boxes of clothing inside when she says, "Tobias, you seem distracted today. Would you like to talk about it?"
For a second, I consider her offer. It seems sincere. Mrs. Prior is one of the Abnegation that remind me of all the things I admire…admired…about Caleb. She seems to believe that sometimes the best thing you can give a person is your time and a listening ear. I'm always willing to give that, but right now I can't take it. I can't run the risk of what I say to her getting out to anyone else. Once again, all of Abnegation is paying for Marcus's actions. "That's very generous of you. But no. Thank you."
She looks out the window. Our initiates are still unloading boxes from a truck. "Leaving family is hard," she says, never taking her eyes off the initiates. "All that talk of faction before blood is supposed to make the people who leave feel better. I'm sure sometimes it does. After all, it would be selfish to ask people to stay in a faction where they don't belong just to please their families. But no one ever talks about what it means to be the ones left behind. When you live with someone and love them for sixteen years, you can't just stop loving them and forget about them in the instant they choose a new faction."
I look at her, curious. From the tone of her voice, I'd think we were having a casual conversation, but I know we're not. Those aren't words that come without a great deal of thought.She knows what I'm feeling.Maybe she was born Candor. Or maybe I'm not good at hiding how much I miss Caleb, how I am so raw and directionless without him here. How sometimes I doubt this entire faction.
"I like to think that someone remembers how difficult it can be to adjust to a new faction away from your family," she continues. "There wouldn't be Visiting Day without it."
I shake my head. "My family isn't coming together on Visiting Day."
"Maybe not in Abnegation," she replies. She keeps her gaze straight ahead, but I see her smile. Then she turns to me. "We'll have more than enough people here to handle the service project."
It takes me a second to catch on. Then I smile back at her. Not just from knowing that I'm going to see Caleb, but from knowing that she cares. That she understands in her own way. "Mrs. Prior, I… thank you."
"For what?" she says, raising an eyebrow. I nod. It will be our secret. She remembers what Caleb did. Maybe she saw us hugging before the ceremony. Maybe she sees something in my face that betrays not only how lonely I am, but how worried I am for him. "And please call me Natalie. We're all adults here."
Visiting Day is the day after tomorrow. Everything will depend on Marcus going to work. If he keeps to his regular schedule I shouldn't have a problem. I will have to stay out of his way and make sure he has no reason to hit me until then. The best way to keep him from being suspicious is to avoid him. He's too good at knowing when I'm hiding something. Another beating could render me unable to jump onto the train. But it's only a day and a half. I can do it. I'll keep myself occupied with chores, maybe figure out what I want to plant for fall. I'll get through.
That night, I start to plan. I don't know exactly where Dauntless is, but I know I'll have to get there on the train. There's only one that comes anywhere near Abnegation. It passes through the old station on Western. I'm healed enough by now that I'm pretty sure I could jump onto it like the Dauntless do. I figure the train has to stop at Dauntless. There's no way they're going to ask a bunch of Candor and Erudite parents to jump off. The Dauntless always rode in to school on an eastbound train, so I'll take one westbound. I'll leave as soon as I'm sure Marcus is gone for the day.
Apprehension and hope keep me awake long after Marcus has gone to bed. I have a chance to see Caleb, make sure he's all right. I know I'm risking death just by going. Not from the moving train, but from Marcus finding out. He meant it when he said a beating would be the best thing that happened to me if I tried to get in touch with Caleb. But I'm willing to risk it. I risked it for two years. I can get through one more day easily. If Marcus finds out I went to Dauntless and kills me for it, then at least I got to say goodbye.
I know that Marcus leaves at eight every day to ride the bus to the city center where the council meets. Still, I am in a panic on Wednesday morning that this will be the day he stays home sick or oversleeps. I have breakfast ready when he comes downstairs at his usual time and wash the pans while he eats.
"Aren't you going to eat, Tobias?"
"I already did," I answer, letting the noise of the running water muffle my voice. Let him think that I am cleaning up after myself, saving him the chore of washing the breakfast dishes. I am too nervous to eat.
"You'll be delivering clothes to the factionless with the families today, yes?"
He doesn't ask out of interest in my activities. He only wants to know where I'll be at all times, one more way to control me. "Yes. The families should arrive around nine."
"Not the most fulfilling assignment you thought you'd be given when you chose Abnegation, was it?"
I'm not sure what he means. I shut off the water and look at him. "All service done by Abnegation is important. Sometimes we benefit a small number of people, sometimes a large number, but it's a chance to be giving of ourselves regardless. I don't really think about fulfillment. It's just what has to be done."
He narrows his eyes at me, but I know he cannot chastise me for resistance or curiosity in my voice because I have neither of those things. For all the times I've felt oppressed by Abnegation's rules, I believe in its mission and the small part I do to uphold it. I never lied to Caleb about that. Our society couldn't function without the work the factionless do, and I don't believe someone shouldn't have clothes to wear just because they're factionless.
After finishing his meal in silence, he places his plate at the side of the sink and leaves. It needs to be clean when he returns home, so I wash it quickly and place it in the drying rack. I can put it away this evening.
The ten minutes I wait to make sure Marcus doesn't return feel like ten hours. When I'm sure he's gone for the day, I leave the house and take a route to the bus stop that puts me behind most of the Abnegation houses. At the stop, I notice a few other Abnegation and get in line behind them so they're less likely to identify me.
Standing at the back of the bus, I ride northbound along Western until it crosses Milwaukee Avenue. I am the only Abnegation who gets off the bus there, and I have a sense of unease. It wasn't that I expected anyone else from the faction would be headed to the train to Dauntless. I'm sure most of Abnegation never thinks about the trains the Dauntless ride. But my father is a faction leader, and it would only take one rumor of my skipping daily service to raise Marcus's suspicion.
I push these thoughts away and follow the faded signs to the train tracks. Though I see no one else on the train platform, I walk to the far end where I think I'm less likely to be seen. That way, I'll also have as much time as I can get to run alongside the train and jump on. I rehearse the jump in my head, but I know there's no way to predict how fast the train will be going when it approaches. The only thing I know is that I cannot miss it.
When I see the headlights of the train in the distance, I tense my legs and take a few deep breaths. I start running the second the front of the train passes the end of the platform.
I get lucky. The train slows down and I'm able to throw myself through an open door not too far from the front. I grab a steel bar next to the door just in time to keep from falling on my face. For a moment I can hardly believe my success. Then it hits me that I've jumped onto a train and I start shaking. The Dauntless must all be crazy to do this on a daily basis.
Once I'm breathing normally again, I lean against the wall and watch the city go by. There are miles of abandoned brick buildings with broken windows, faded spray paint, and signs beaten by weather. I take in every sight I can, wondering if Caleb looked at these same buildings the day he went to Dauntless. Thinking about today makes me smile. Maybe he'll show me around Dauntless headquarters, have lunch with me, tell me how his initiation is going. I want to hear everything about his life. I miss him, but I think I understand why he made his choice. I can only hope now that it was right for him.
