Title: Beauty in the Mundane Moments

Author: ZombieJazz

Fandom: SVU

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law&Order: Special Victims Unit and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Jack, Benji and Emmy have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.

Summary: A series of stand-alone, non-chronological ONE-SHOTS set in Hello Goodbye, Welcome Home, Facing Forward, Best Laid Plans, A Step At A Time, The Night Before AU. Olivia Benson navigates the job, parenthood and marriage while trying to find the difficult work-life-family balance that comes with being a cop.

PLEASE NOTE: These chapters are stand-alone SCENES or one-shots. This is not a chronological story and there is no purposeful continuity. It is just a collection of moments. Some will reflect random ideas or potentially fun, humorous, heavy scenes to write with these characters. Others will expand on a scene from an episode (past or present) or recast the way a scene went while imaging it in this AU. Others will take a kernel from an episode and use it as inspiration for how these characters might've interacted with it going forward. Wherever possible, a year, season number or episode name will be provided to give some context of the general timeframe of the scene — to provide some guidance on where the characters are at mentally/emotionally and the ages of the children.

TIMEFRAME: Set in early-2020, or S21.

Jack glanced down at his phone again as the elevator doors opened, wandering off as he meandered the semi-familiar path to Mom's – Olivia's – office. Renee was blowing his phone up a bit with some last minute shit. Sorta sounded like they wouldn't be hitting the road at exactly the time they'd expected. That sorta sucked. Neither of them drove enough anymore that he was too stoked about the idea of driving in the dark. Maybe they should just wait 'til morning and kinda of blitz it. It wasn't exactly like he was on a strict schedule. But professionalism. Still trying to maintain that.

He was trying to figure out the most diplomatic way to tell her to bail on work and go get her shit and to not let her boss do the whole guilt-trip thing. That place was always gonna be never-ending guilt-trips and sad stories. She'd told them she was taking a few days. So take the few days. Boss and clients were just gonna have to wait. But, yeah. He also couldn't exactly say that to her. At least definitely not that way.

And as he tried to figure out exactly the way he could – or should – say it to his girlfriend who's job was like way more important than his on the importance ladder, he nearly bumped into some dude. Some detective who shot him a fucking dirty look. But Jack just shot it right back. He was pro had dealing with stink eyes. Dude didn't know the family he came from. Evil Eye was within the nutured traits of the clan.

But the Evil Eye shot kinda dimmed as he registered Ma's hold squad room. Shit. He didn't think it'd been that long since he'd been up to see her in the office. But he guessed it'd been a whle. And apparently they'd had some sort of influx of renovation and technology budget funds. Because Jesus Fuck did the place look different. Wouldn't be surprised if they had some sort of architect and interior decorator and even OT in there too.

Very fung shui. Though, sorta pissed him off that Mom hadn't mentioned that she'd gotten to go all Architectural Design on the space. As it was, he could definitely tell that Olivia had at least gotten some input in the whole office space, communal, contemporary design shit. Lots of flat surfaces and sandblasted glass planes to let the light in. Kinda seemed to be her thing. One of them. Now if only the furniture was not only minimalist but Scandinavian inspired and splotched with the randomness and ugliest colors that would never be found together on any kind of color wheel. Then it'd be Mom. Or the living room couch and/or play room at the duplex. Unicorn vomit with a touch of narwhal. He knew were Em got it from.

Fuck. Jack likely would've had some opinions and insights to share here. But, guess he had to acknowledge – again – that he hadn't exactly excelled at the whole figuring out how to be a grown-up in the family this. Figuring out how to not be the starving student that was still allowed to raid the fridge and do laundry at the house on weekends. How to not just be the 'cool big brother' and figuring out just what the fuck it meant to be an 'uncle' to two little kids in their weirdly, fucked-up family dynamic. While pretty consistently being told-off by Alex and Captain Cragen about what a fucking ass-hat he was being. And to get his head out of his own ass. But it still being way better to go over to either of their places and get ragged on than it was to go home and deal with … basically overwhelming angst and trauma melding together into this fucking stew of confusion that eventually spewed out as anger. Just basically a whole pool of emotions that Jack still didn't entirely know how to deal with or express.

So, yea. Jack hadn't really been there for a while. Or depending on whatever hash-it-out and break-it-down session he had with Mom it ranged from like … six months to a year to like eighteen months to like two years to like since he broke up with Christina to like since Christian moved to fucking Illinois and had fucking moved on before he fucking could so he was still spending stupid amounts of money (and time he should've been spending on finishing up his certifications and Masters) on going out there like at least once a month while he trained himself to be blind to the fact she was sleeping with other guys (and pretty much dating another guy by the time they actually did officially break-up from his perspective) and being deaf to Mom and Brian telling him that he was being a fucking idiot and setting himself up for a whole world of hurt and confusion and anger. A deficit above and beyond the fucking dent he'd put in his bank account – and the funds that Olivia had fucking fought for him to have out of his biological family business. Money his … supposed … dad had left him that Jack knew he'd be really fucking pissed off too knowing that he'd blown a bunch of it on airfare back-and-forth across the country rather than like paying off his student debts or going towards Law School or putting a down payment on a house or condo or co-op or something. Something that made fucking sense.

Not that it any of it really mattered at this point. Thinking about it and dwelling on it just made him feel like an ass. Beyond it diminishing what he had with Renee: The friendship – and now relationship – that had come out of all that shit. It'd also entirely fucked up him establishing that relationship with her in any real way. And that just added to the fuck up in the relationship he'd had with his family. Because he was hiding from them all the shit that had gone on with Christina because he didn't want to hear what any of them had to say in any real or meaningful way. And then he was so used to – and so scared of – what they had to say that he'd hid the confusing shit about developing a friendship with Renee and it growing into something else. And that just fucked up and strained things for everyone.

It fucked up his perspective of his post-schooling life. Because again he was so resistant to what Mom had to say about any of it. To hear her out on any thoughts or advice. It'd made him put more and more distance between him and his family. And then he'd fucked up his relationship with Ben-Jamin. And in Emmy in a way. Or at least he'd missed out on some of the fun, little kid, cute shit with her. And he hadn't been there for Ben. Or for Mom. And Brian too. With all the shit going on with Jamin too. The dyslexia and the bullying and all this lupus shit and the kind of drugs that were attached to treating it. That scared and confused him too. And made him angry. And fearful of more blame. Or maybe more like self-blame.

So yea. Royal fuck up. Royal fucking mess. That maybe he'd been working at cleaning up. A bit. As best he could. Because it'd been kind of left to fester in a way that it all required a bit more than a Swifer Dusting. Pretty much even a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser wasn't going to get this job done. It was like an industrial level bleaching that was needed. But that shit just sort of hid things. You pull out the Luminol and it's all still there in the right light. You know?

So no wonder he'd missed Mom changing up the squad room. Or missed her even mentioning that she was changing it up. That some sort of grand renovation was going on there. He'd missed a lot of stuff. And some of it still kept cropping up now over and over even though he was trying to be a bit more present. There was this ever present reminder of just how absent he'd been.

Like this? He didn't know. Maybe he'd been there like … maybe around Em's birthday? Or Easter? Or the end of term? But … fuck … that was like … a year ago.

And he kind of halted at that. And stared.

"Excuse me," a woman's voice called at him. "Can I help you?"

Jack let his eyes move from his weighing and judgement of the changes – both in the squad room and apparently in his own fucking life and just how … much shit could change in one year. It didn't seem like that long of time anymore. Not now that he wasn't a kid anymore. It was like time just fucking disappeared. And as fast as it moved so much could fucking happen.

It took him another second to register who it was that talking to him. But it'd taken him a whole lot of seconds to register how empty this giant sweeping area now was. Or at least how vacant it was of any familiar faces. Though, Jack had known that. He knew that people – detectives and beat cops and anyone else – assigned even as support staff in SVU had like a two-year life maybe. Apparently unless they were like the core crew that had come up under Captain Cragen. He'd held a team together. Mom … maybe not so much. Time passed and people moved on with their lives there too. With her. Or maybe more like without her.

Jack knew that Mom's squad numbers were down. That core team. He knew that Carisi had bailed to live the fucking dream. To put the fucking degree-suck to work. Taking a basement desk in the bowels of the District Attorney's offices. Knew that Barba had moved on – making space for that shuffle that had seen Sonny Boy land over there. But maybe those shifts hadn't entirely registered since he still saw like Carisi and Barba at like birthdays and holidays. Sorta. If he showed. If they showed. They'd seemed kind of omnipresent.

And because of that – like the family Mom … and Brian … had made for themselves and still kept in their lives outside of the job - maybe it hadn't entirely registered just like how different … empty or at least devoid of any familiar faces Mom's version of Manhattan SVU was. Like it was the first moment that he kind of tumbled down on him that Carisi and Barba really weren't part of that work unit for Mom anymore. But more than that that like really … everyone he knew, that he'd grown up with as a member of that 'familiy' … was pretty much gone. Captain was retired. Munch lived in Mom and Brian's Garden Unit and was nearing his death yowls. Nick and Zara … he didn't know even. Were they even still on the other side of the country? California? He couldn't remember the last time Mom had mentioned them or if she even kept in touch. Alex was long gone and he knew that. He knew what she did these days. He knew Renee saw her almost like daily or at least weekly. He fucking texted with her all the time. He'd spent more time with Alex and Trevor and Leo in the past year than he'd likely had with his own family. But maybe he'd never truly stopped and considered what exactly SVU without her in there looked like.

Amanda was still there? Right? And Fin? They must be. Mom would've mentioned if they were moving on. They just weren't there at the moment. Little Dodds dead. Big Dodds? Gone or just no shackles to rattle at Olivia and her crew that day? And that Irish fuck? Bigger Mick than Brian? The fucking asshole that seemed to swoop in and take Mom's job for a day to play some kind of kiss-ass hero and then disappear into the woodwork. Turn Mom into a ball of stress, mega bitch for a week or month … or two. He officially gone or just off in the ether for the moment?

Jack didn't know. And that hit hard too. Just like it hit him that he didn't have a fucking clue who this girl looking at him was. OK. Woman. But a woman like he was 'a man'. She was a twenty-something. Maybe thirty. Maybe. But Jack would wager she was likely closer to his age than she was having celebrated her Dirty Thirty birthday. But she must be. At least. Because she wasn't in uniform and she was in Mom's bullpen. So she must be a detective? Right? And making detective before thirty?

But what the fuck was he even talking about. Both Mom and Brian had made detective before their thirtieth birthdays. And then there was him. Officially on the wrong side of twenty-five and looking down the barrel at the looming end of his twenties and what the fuck was he going to accomplish by thirty? Shit. He hadn't accomplished next to anything comparable to what his 'dad' had by his twenty-sixth. Or Olivia. Or even fucking Brian. And Brian was Brian. Like that wasn't the highest bar to try to jump over. And it still seemed woefully out of reach.

And he supposed Mom had mentioned something about hiring some new detectives. A while ago? Though he thought she'd mentioned it a couple different times? That maybe there was more than one?

He actually really didn't have a fucking clue. He clearly knew next to nothing these days. About like … anyone's lives. In the people he was supposed to be closest to.

So he just gestured absently at Mom's office door. "Benson," he said. "She's supposed to be expecting me," he sighed a bit and looked down at his phone to check to see if Olivia had sent him some kind of update. Though, maybe not so much. Maybe something jumped off and her whole team was tied up. Expect for this girl?

"Oh, yeah," the girl … woman … in front of him said, crossing her arms and giving him way more of a once-over. "You meeting her about a place on the team?"

"Ahh …," Jack gave her a look from his phone. OK. At least he wasn't the only one who didn't know shit about what was going on with Mom's life.

"Hey, between you and me, I thought for sure the Cap was going to fill the spot with one of the Tunnel Cops from Transit SVU," she said.

Jack gave his phone another glance but then shoved it in his pocket. "Oh, yea?" he allowed. Maybe sort of mean not to introduce himself upfront. But also maybe there was something to be said about getting some kind of update on Mom's work life from other sources since he clearly knew shit. Or maybe there was some fault there of her own making too? Maybe she didn't tell him shit?

The girl … woman – detective? – gave him a little nod. She had a real attitude. A bit of a vibe to her. Jack could feel it. But he also could feel it. She had some depth. And immaturity. It seeped off her. But he wouldn't say that was a bad thing. It'd kinda be the pot calling the kettle black.

He could feel her giving him another look. Taking in his attire or something. So much so that he glanced down at what he had on. Like … work clothes. But, yea, he now worked at a place where he could pretty much wear what he wanted. And what he didn't mind getting down and dirty in. To get into the workshop or the drafting room. Could move and cut wood and craft models. Engineer and design and model. Business workshop casual?

He didn't know. He was maybe like half-step above what he'd wear if he was back working the build counter at Funky's. And maybe a full step above what he'd have on if he was leading the class for little Grommies learning to pedal on the weekends. And maybe like two steps above what he'd wear if he was going to be spending his Saturday laying down lines at the skate park or the piers. So maybe he pretty much looked like a New York twenty-something straight guy? Some kind of urban Millennial Hipster? Or as Mom sometimes teased him now – on the days they actually had a good vibe going on between them – that he dressed 'so New York'. Yea, maybe for a kid from a dairy farm upstate. Likely.

Still, he always felt more than a little awkward when anyone really looked at him. He'd prefer to just kinda fade into the background. So he spun at the wheel of his deck while this detective girl looked at him. And then his deck.

"Nice piece," she said.

Jack glanced down at his custom built. It'd been a hardcore expense. He'd sorta gifted it to himself when he'd finished school and wished he could justify just making a living at Funky's than using his fancy ass, six-figure degree. Bought all the pieces individually. Best of the best. In his mind. Put it together himself. Labor of love. And then rode the living shit out of it all fucking summer and fall while his first real job ate his soul in the hours he wasn't chewing up the concrete. It was well loved at this point. To the point that he knew that only someone who was clued in in some way to the sport would even recognize the quality he had in his hand – and under his feet.

"Yea, thanks …," he managed. Because, yea, he still kinda sucked at talking to most girls. Or human beings in general. At least any ones over like … 16? But that sounded perv-y. Fuck.

"So what's your name?" she said.

Jack took a beat. "Jack," he allowed. He waited. He knew cops did the whole last name thing. But she didn't call him on it.

"Kat," she said and stuck out her hand. He took it. Fuck. She had a crushing grip. "Tamin."

"Hey," he allowed passively and then way more than passively checked his crushed knuckles after she let him go. Jesus fuck. Wouldn't want to get into a fist fight or arm wrestle with her.

"So where you looking to come over from?" she asked but then answered for herself. "Narcotics? They got you doing U.C.?" And she gestured at his clothes again.

Jack gave his clothes another glance. "Umm …"

"You look super familiar," she said. "Hey, did you work that Brooklyn skate park bust?"

"Oh, man," Jack muttered with a head shake. "That fucking drug den right across from the park?"

"Yea …," Kat nodded like she had it all figured out.

"Ah, man, that situation was just shitty," Jack said. "Coke was such a problem in that park. And it still took so long to shut them down."

"Yea, ain't that the way it goes," Kat said with a headshake. "Sometimes all the red tape and legalities these lawyers come up with. Right?"

Jack just made a sound of agreement and grabbed at his phone as it buzzed. OK. At least Mom knew she was running late. He pushed it back into his pants pocket. And looked back at this Kat. And, OK, he thought maybe he'd heard Mom say that name.

"Hey, just between you and me, I got pulled over for a U.C. assignment here too as part of the whole job interview. But, if they're calling you up, it's gonna be a rough gig. I mean … did they say where they are sending you? Into a college or high school or something?"

Jack just shook his head and shrugged.

Kat nodded back and forth and weighed him like she was really weighing him again. "Just so you know, I've kind of staked a bit of a claim on the whole U.C. thing going on up in here."

Jack just shrugged. "I'm sure you do. When they need young and female. But last time I checked, not all SVU vics are either."

"Ahh …," Kat gave him a smile and vibed again. "Got your talking points down. The Cap will like that."

Jack gave a little snort of amusement at that. Yea. Wasn't just talking points with Mom. It was talking points that rattled off endless stats.

"One in six men are victims of sexual assault," Jack nodded at her. A stat Mom had rattled at him like that was some kind of statistic that was going to make him feel remotely better about anything he'd been through. "And like fourteen per cent of men – boys – have been sexually violated by the time they're 18. And, gonna guess especially in the like eleven to twenty-one demo – would prefer to talk to another guy. And, have heard you're sorely lacking in the man-folk up in this office lately."

"Mmm …," Kat hummed again and considered him. "Maybe, maybe not. And, I think that the Cap has been working on bringing a bit of diversity at all levels up in here."

"Ah …," Jack allowed.

"So white boy skater dude … I'm thinking you must have some pretty good connects …?"

"Oh," Jack nodded and then leaned in a bit and lowered his voice, causing this Kat to lean in a bit too. "She slept with my dad …"

Kat looked at him a bit –horrified. Her arms crossed a bit tighter as she straightened. "What? Seriously? The Captain?"

Jack gave her a small smile and a little shrug.

He could feel Kat itching to say something else. To ask if he was serious again – seriously. Or to tell him he couldn't talk that way up in SVU. But the elevator dinged and he turned to look. He gave a bit of an interior sigh as he at least saw someone he knew. Even if it was only Amanda.

She saw him too and gave him a small smile and a little fist bump as she passed. "Hi, Jack," she said. "She's just on her way up."

"OK … thanks …," Jack allowed relieved.

"You just know everyone don't you," Kat said, straightening a bit more and examining him.

Jack shrugged and shared a brief look with Amanda. She clearly did an 'ahh' in the realization that Kat had no clue who he was and she wasn't going to clue her in just yet either.

"Just that kind of guy …" Jack said.

"You do seem super familiar," Kat said. "But it's driving me crazy. I can't quite place you. I don't know. I feel like maybe we were back-up or second-line on something together?"

Jack gave her another shrug. "I kinda doubt it."

"That face is looking less familiar to me," Amanda said and gave him a nod. "Nice skeevey moustache, Jack."

He made a quiet laugh. "Yea. You know, just trying to blend in for the new gig."

"Not big on razors that side of the river, huh?" Amanda asked.

He allowed her a smile for that jab. Tried to formulate a comeback quick – something about flannel. Or Georgia. But he didn't get the chance.

"Liv see it yet?" Amanda asked.

"Yea," he shrugged.

Amanda gave a small look of acknowledgement. Like she'd really like to hear what Mom thought of it. That she'd likely ask later. And, Jack might like to hear what Mom actually thought of it. Because much like the tattoos, Mom had definitely seen them, but there'd been no comment. It was kinda of indicative of the new territory – or rocky territory – they were in right now. Like things weren't as fucked as before. But they also were just kinda of cautious with each other. It was like they didn't talk as freely. Or maybe you couldn't tease the same way. Or speak your mind the same way. It was kinda of the whole 'can never go back again' sorta thing. Or childhood lost? Jack didn't know. But it was different and he was still getting used to … whatever this was … likely went back to that whole having to be a grown-up in the family now thing. Didn't talk to your parental guardian a certain way anymore when you were supposed to be an adult too. Acted a certain way when you more had the label of 'uncle' than 'big brother'. He didn't know. It was like the rules had changed but he just didn't know the rules, period.

"And what's Renee think of it?" Amanda raised an eyebrow at him.

He gave another shrug and spun at the wheel on his skateboard. "Jack on This is Us?"

Amanda allowed a quiet laugh. "Right," she said. "Not quite." She turned a bit to Kat – maybe gunning to ruin some of the fun. "Jack dates Renee – Clarke. She's an advocate at the uptown Crisis Center. Washington Heights. I'm not sure if you've dealt with her yet."

"Umm … yea," Kat nodded. "I think maybe. I at least know who you mean." And she looked at Jack again. "And, you do know everyone. Seeing the hooks. Maybe we've crossed paths there?"

"I doubt it," Jack said. "I think I've been in there like once."

"This is going to drive me crazy," Kat said.

Jack and Amanda shared a look.

"Ah, well, you skate? Or have had to be a bit of a skate rat?" he offered. "You seem to know a bit," he allowed and stomped his deck on the toe of his shoes a bit. He didn't want to be too mean about it. Even though he sorta wanted to catch the reaction when she realized he wasn't some interviewee.

She nodded. "Yea, a bit," she allowed with an absent gesture. "But …"

"Yea," Jack shrugged. He knew that didn't entirely narrow it down. He could rundown his usual haunts. "Days off I help with the kids' program that Funky's runs."

"Oh, yea?" Kat said and gave him another little gesture. "Community service, community building. Scoring some more points there. Right?"

Jack allowed her a little smile for that. "Tend to put some of my off-hours into hours behind the Custom Build Counter at Funky's too. Basement shop in West Village."

Kat raised an eyebrow at that and gestured at his build. "That explains that."

"Yea, a little," Jack said but then looked to Amanda. "Hey, I hear, that you might be thinking of over-spending at Easter? That Jesse's ready for a scooter?"

Amanda raised an eyebrow at him. "Maybe," she conceded. "But I think your set-up and pricetag will be a little fancier than what my four-year-old needs, Jack."

He gave her a shrug. "I'd set you up with better quality than you'll get out of some box at Target and cheaper pricetag than whatever frou-frou toy boutique you shop at."

"Ah, no, that would be where your—" and Jack could tell she was about toss out a small jab at Mom and that scholastic choice 'toy' stories that she seemed to think were the place to shop for kids' stuff and definitely made you pay out your ass for anything on their shelves even if you could find ridiculously cheaper at the Target or some store near his place in Chinatown.

But before she could make her zing, Amanda had cut herself off and Jack had glanced behind him to follow her eyes. Mom had finally made it upstairs – with her bag and a armful of files and a coffee and her phone all somehow held in her one hand. She was so fucking New York sometimes it was ridiculous. And she was walking at like a million-miles-an-hour New Yorker beeline down the sidewalk type stride. Like she was 20 minutes late and had somewhere to be that was absolutely important. And Jack would agree that at least half of that statement was correct.

"Hi, sweetheart," she said, her somehow free hand giving his bicep a squeeze. "I'm so sorry. Just give me one more minute."

And he watched Mom beeline into her office. As he felt this Kat person watching the scene and really doing the real detective work now. And he could feel Amanda watching it with amusement too.

He turned back to Kat and gave her a shrug. But then reached into his jacket pocket and dug around a bit. He closed the gap with her and offered the card he'd pulled out. She took it and stared at it. He knew she was likely staring at the last name – the Benson in bold type – and really reassessing the whole conversation now.

"Ah, so, yea," he nodded at her. "Architecture firm I work at is all about creating interactive spaces, playgrounds. Community building, blended environments. We've got some cool projects on the go. Always looking for like community input from different perspectives, experiences. Sounds like maybe you've got that. If you're ever interested in chatting, drop me a DM or whatever."

"Ah … OK …," Kat managed and stared him right in the face and then looked at him like she was really taking him in again.

Jack just gave her a nod and followed after Mom.

"So he's …" he heard Kat mouth not so quietly at Amanda.

"Liv's oldest," Amanda said flatly.

And Jack smiled a little at that. Knowing that she'd put the pieces together but that she didn't know the half of it.

"You can close the door," Mom said to him before he got fully inside. He did. "I see you met Kat." Jack gave her a smile and shrugged. Olivia shook her head a little at him. She clearly knew what had gone on. It wasn't like it was a new game. It just usually wasn't one they played with detectives. Like they were supposed to detect things. Shouldn't be able to pull on over on them that easy.

But he only shrugged again and shrugged his backpack off with it. He opened the top and pulled out the primary reason he was there. A giant mosasaurus toy. It was like nearly three-feet long. Some kind of vicious looking reptile, whale, shark dinosaur thing. That could definitely eat … like a whole boat whole. Or at least an Indominus Rex. That they knew. Movies said so.

He watched Mom's face change when she saw it. And then change again as she took it from him and realized that the skin on the thin pretty much felt like lizard skin and was definitely bordering on disgusting despite it's coolness factor.

"OK," Olivia said. "This is definitely not what I was picturing when Emmy said she forgot her dinosaur stuffie at your apartment."

"At least Brian can't bitch about another stuffed toy in the house," Jack offered.

Olivia gazed at the toy, turning it over in her hands while she examined it. "How did she even forget this?"

Jack gave a little shrug. "That was kinda my fault. She thought I'd put in it their overnight bag. It was still all tangled up in the blankets they'd slept in."

Olivia shook her head at this. "I'm also not sure why anyone would want to sleep with this," she muttered. "Or even where Emmy will find space to sleep in her bed if she's planning on turning this into her latest cuddle. It looks like it's asking for nightmares on all accounts. "

"It gets worse," Jack said and stepped closer to her desk and took it from her hands, cranking open its jaw. "You can basically make it eat full toys. And –" and he flipped it and screwed around with a panel on its stomach until it popped open and he displayed to her the numerous plastic dinosaurs, bugs and Hot Wheels that had already made its way to its belly.

"Oh …," Olivia said flatly. "Another dissection toy. Fantastic."

Jack allowed a small sound of amusement and smiled at her with a shrug. "Em's kind of a weirdo."

"Mmm …," Mom allowed and sat down behind her desk, gesturing at him to do the same in the chairs she had there. Jack always kind of felt like they were in some kind of meeting when they did that. But it at least looked more like Mom just wanted to pick at whatever scone-like thing she'd grab to have with her coffee on a flat surface. "She's something …."

"If it's any consolation, I did the whole like grouchy old man thing and made her spend her own cash on it. I mean, first I offered to get it for her birthday. But she gave a hard-no to that when she realized she was going to have to wait."

"Mmm …," Olivia said and shook her head, gesturing at the toy. "How could anyone wait almost a whole month to have something a cool as this in their permanent possession?"

Jack allowed a suppressed laugh at that. But gave her a shrug. "I might've saved you from the whole rock-insect-owl-pellet-dissection, 'It's science' birthday," he offered. "Seem to have her convinced dinosaurs are pretty cool and fossils are kinda like rocks."

"I think that just means it will be a dinosaur-insect-owl-pellet 'It's science' birthday," Olivia said and took a sip of her coffee. It looked like it was still really hot from wherever she'd gotten it from.

Jack shrugged. "I told her about the special T-rex exhibit up at the Natural History museum right now. They both seemed kinda stoked about maybe seeing it," he offered.

"Mmm …," Olivia allowed again as she picked at what hopefully wasn't the only thing she was planning on eating for lunch that day. Because there'd have been a time if she'd seen him eating like that and calling it a meal she totally would've called him on it and the lecture would've been epic. "That does look good. But at this point I'm hoping to keep this complicated birthday as uncomplicated as possible. Brian's already ordered 'mining rough' off of Amazon."

Jack stared at her. "So – you know – he's basically as paid money to have bags of dirt shipped to your home …"

"Oh, I'm aware," Olivia said. "And he's also looking up instructions on how to build a sluice box for her. Because apparently a sandbox sifter is not good enough for this activity."

"Umm … OK. You know that he's kinda a weirdo too ….?"

"Oh, he's something," she said and lifted her coffee again, hovering it near her lips. "As long as I don't have undigested fur and bones puked up by owls and delivered to my mailbox for my children to dissect with my tweezers … I'll keep him around."

Jack allowed a small smile and gazed at the side of her desk. Sometimes he still didn't really know how to navigate when Mom talked about Brian affectionately. He liked both of them. Loved them. Or at least Mom. But he did better when thinking about them individually. When interacting with them individually. He never really knew how to operate the dynamic when it was like all of them in the room and Olivia was Mom and Brian was Dad and Jamin and Emmy were their kids. And he still didn't know what he was. Or was supposed to be. Or how to fit in.

But he'd also kinda of started to realize – to unpack – that he'd felt that way growing up too. With his own 'Dad' and (likely half-)sister and 'grandparents' and 'uncle' and 'cousins'. He just never felt like he was supposed to be in the room. Or the family. Like he belonged. But he was workin' on it. Trying to figure it out. Only he was clearly kinda delayed on all that. It didn't feel like something you were supposed to be doing at twenty-six. And yet there they were.

"The kids can't stop talkin' about their sleepover with you guys, Jack," Mom offered and he looked back up to her.

"Yea? Because I was kinda … like in retrospect a dark, giant auditorium with giant animatronic dinosaurs in kinda death matches with loud sounds and lights might've been kinda of a shitty idea? They both seemed sorta scared at parts. I was kinda of kicking myself."

Olivia shook her head a little. "I haven't heard anything about that. I have heard a lot of talk about the dinosaurs. And about getting to eat raw cookie dough." She raised her eyebrow a bit at that.

"Oh," he sputtered. "It was just DO. You know? And it was gluten-free, vegan all that. It was Renee's idea."

"I know," Olivia nodded. "She won major points with them. So did you with the comic store."

He gave her a thin smile. "Ah, I don't know if Jam-…Ben … gave you the flyer we picked up there. But there's like some sorta special science exhibit about the Ninja Turtles coming to over at the Hall of Science."

"Oh, he was sure to give us that," Olivia said. "Homework never gets pulled out of his backpack. But that got yanked out real quick."

Jack allowed a quiet smile again. "Yea, I mean, I know the Turtles are kinda Brian's thing. But if doesn't want to take them – or, I mean, I guess even if he's taking them – I'd like to take the kids. Or tag along. Or whatever."

Mom nodded. "I think that sounds like fun," she said and then picked up her coffee again. "Possibly so much fun that I might actually let you and Brian referee that outing find something a little less intense to do."

"Right, like come in here," Jack said with a gesture.

She allowed him a smile. He liked when he managed that. It didn't happen often. "Or like get my hair done. Or actually use that mani-pedi card that Brian gave me … however many Christmases ago."

He just allowed a little nod and sat there again. Sometimes that's the way it was anymore. Like just talking seemed easier. But there were all these silences between the talking that were just awkward anymore.

"We appreciated you took them for the night too," Olivia said. "It's always nice to … have some alone time."

Jack nodded and shrugged. He didn't really want to ask or know what they'd done with their like Saturday night and Sunday without the kids. Thinking about that or wading into it always just seemed strange too. Even though he was sure the answer would be like they went out for dinner or they went out for brunch or some boring shit that they usually did, only without the kids. But still.

"Yea, well, I figured I should get some time in since I'll be away the next few weeks," he said.

Mom nodded at that. But he could feel her watching him. "Already?"

Another shrug. "I am," he said. "Renee is kinda … I don't know. You know … work shit today. It's like they can smell it's not just like a 'vacation'."

"I don't know too many people who vacation in Poughkeepsie, Jack," Olivia said.

He sighed. "But, still. You know. It's like they got wind that she's going in for some meetings about jobs up that way and they're piling shit on to make it hard for her to go."

Mom just exhaled and gave a little shrug. He thought maybe that was some kind of agreement.

"Are you excited at least?" she tried.

Jack slouched a bit in his chair and stared at his shoes for more than a second or two. And then he exhaled too and looked at her with a head shake and a shrug.

"I don't know. It's like … I'm excited to get to be in the trenches and in the workshop for a few weeks. And, you know, it will sorta be nice to get out of the city for a bit. But I don't know about the beyond that. You know? Like if that's where I can really see us being. Or if, you know, it makes more sense to just stay here. Do this go up there when I need to thing."

Mom nodded. "Well, hopefully this will be a good barometer to help you decide what makes sense or what you want and what makes you happiest."

Jack shrugged. "Yea. I don't know. Like there's definitely things I like about up that way. And like the kind of place and the size of a place we could afford? But, you know, I'd miss things about the city. And … you guys … Ben."

She allowed him a thin smile. But Jack knew that even though he'd been mending fences he had a long way to go. And maybe he hadn't even really earned getting to say that again yet. But there was truth to it. Even when he was being an absent asshole to his family – he still missed them. And he felt a ton of guilt about not being there. He just couldn't get over himself enough to like figure out how to deal with all the layers of shit he'd created on his own homefront. He'd shit where he eat and the fallout was just one giant mess.

"It's just other shit too," Jack said. "Like even if we moved to Queens – I'm going to miss Manhattan. But then it's like … right now it's like an hour-twenty to get to work. If the lines all go smoothly. And then it's like the same down to you guys in Brooklyn."

"It's a big city, Jack," she said.

"Yea, I know," he acknowledged. "But like Poughkeepsie – it's like an hour-forty-five to Carroll Gardens."

"If the weather and traffic are good," Mom said.

"Yea, I know," Jack allowed. "But, still. I mean that's not too much longer for a place where our pay checks could go a whole lot rather. Give us a different quality of life."

"And a very different lifestyle," Olivia said.

"Yea, I know," he muttered again. "I'm havin' trouble rectifying that too. I don't know."

"And you'd have vehicle expenses," she provided. "Gas, insurance, maintenance, tolls. It might add up faster than you think."

Jack exhaled and shrugged giving her a look. "Yea, I guess we'll see. I mean … I'm excited about the work. And I'm stoked that Renee is coming up for the first bit. So we have some time to get a real feel of the place – together. You know?"

Mom nodded. "I do. And … I'm glad you two are … that you didn't rush into signing another rental agreement. That you're getting a feel for the job and the commute and different neighborhoods and housing options."

"Yea … real grown-up of me, right …" Jack said.

"It is …," Olivia said. Flatly.

He looked at her. And they both just kind of looked at each other for a bit. There wasn't tone to it. But maybe there was an underlying tone. Or a reality.

And sometimes that reality was still hard to swallow. And sometimes it just really felt like his fault. And it was.

Maybe acknowledging that was the grown-up thing to do too.