Title: Beauty in the Mundane Moments

Author: ZombieJazz

Fandom: SVU

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law&Order: Special Victims Unit and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Jack, Benji and Emmy have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.

Summary: A series of stand-alone, non-chronological ONE-SHOTS set in Hello Goodbye, Welcome Home, Facing Forward, Best Laid Plans, A Step At A Time, The Night Before AU. Olivia Benson navigates the job, parenthood and marriage while trying to find the difficult work-life-family balance that comes with being a cop.

PLEASE NOTE: These chapters are stand-alone SCENES or one-shots. This is not a chronological story and there is no purposeful continuity. It is just a collection of moments. Some will reflect random ideas or potentially fun, humorous, heavy scenes to write with these characters. Others will expand on a scene from an episode (past or present) or recast the way a scene went while imaging it in this AU. Others will take a kernel from an episode and use it as inspiration for how these characters might've interacted with it going forward. Wherever possible, a year, season number or episode name will be provided to give some context of the general timeframe of the scene — to provide some guidance on where the characters are at mentally/emotionally and the ages of the children.

TIMEFRAME: Set in early-2020, or S21E16 entitled Enternal Relief from the Pain.

"Benji, would you slow down," Olivia called at him as he dashed up the subway station stairs.

For all the times she thought she was making her own progress in getting back into some definition of 'fit' for over-50, moments crept up on her that were still a reminder of her age.

They were also these little wake-up calls of how quickly moving from fieldwork to a supervisory desk job just caught up to you too. The weight gain and change in stamina and fitness became undeniable within about a year of starting to climb the ranks. By the time her fiftieth birthday came around she knew it was really catching up with her.

It was frustrating when changes in fitness and abilities showed their selves at work – when she did go out in the field – and couldn't perform the way she used to. Couldn't give chase in the same way. Couldn't take down a suspect in quite the same way. Or kick down a door. There were times she felt like that looked poorly on her as a cop. But it was more that she also worried that her fitness – and age - put her officers and the public in danger. And, more and more frequently she was starting to realize there would be a point – in the not too distant future – where she wouldn't go in the field anymore. And when she did – it would be to do what her job description said: supervise.

And maybe that was for the best. But it was still a reality that she struggled to get her head around. A change in the long list of changes her heart, mind and body had had to deal with over the past five to seven years. Changes in the job and the role and her responsibilities. Changes in the job and the role and her responsibilities at home too.

And it was sometimes the home – and family – aspect of it all that made the changes of age and fitness that much more frustrating. On a very different level.

Olivia knew she was an 'older' parent. Maybe not glaringly – at least not with Benji. But she still often felt like she was the oldest mom in the room and in the bleachers. So far she was glaringly older than all her kids teachers. And even their principals. And she sometimes felt like that – combined with her job – made her intimidating to other parents, and maybe even the school staff. And she again worried that that had played a part in Benji's challenges in making and establishing friendships. Though, she also rationally knew that the problems there ran more deeply than personality clashes and parenting differences and life experiences and generational gaps between her and the 30-something and 40-something parents. And even the handful of 20-something parents that Emmy's class was made up of.

And there was the reality that there were times where Olivia just didn't feel like she could keep up with some of the energy and enthusiasm these Millennial parents showed in creating these Pinterest-worthy childhoods for their children and relating every move made by the school and enrolling their kids in every activity offered in the burough. And in a whole lot of other ways – she absolutely had no interest in trying to keep up with any of that. And there had been a period when she first had Benji where she had tried. And it hadn't been good for either of them. They weren't those kinds of people. They weren't that kind of family.

But she was still a mom who wanted to play with her kids – to keep up with them. Chasing after them in the park. Or whipping around the skating rink the way they wanted. Or shooting hoops with Benji. Or them endlessly asking to go to the climbing gym or the ninja/tumbling gym or the pool. The long bike rides and the pump bike park. Scooters at the skatepark. And the long strolls and park time on weekends that sometimes kept them out of the house so long – and so far away – that they didn't end up wandering home until the sun was setting on the city and their kids were so tired they wanted to be carried. But carrying Emmy home rather than getting a car wasn't easy any more. Managing the weight of a six-year-old just didn't seem as easy anymore as it had when Benji was that age. Or the city blocks in Manhattan were just shorter. Or Emmy was just heavier – which she was …

But it was really moments like this that smacked age and fitness into her face even more. Simple things. Tromping up subway station stairs. Something she'd done her entire life. Something that lately Benji seemed to be the one who lagged on with his aching lupus knees. And, yet that morning it was her who felt her knees protesting a little with each step – and her lungs protesting a bit more.

Getting winded walking up a flight of subway stairs? That was not a good sign. Maybe she'd tell herself she was getting a touch of a chest cold. Though, between all the coronavirus fears and having a chronically ill child at home – that wasn't exactly the best illusion to create for herself either.

Olivia sighed a little again as she was almost to the top and her phone had managed to get enough of its signal back that it was already vibrating in her coat pocket. She could already tell it was going to be that kind of day. Unrelenting.

She pulled out the phone and gave the screen a look. It was only Brian. She briefly contemplated not answering it. But did …

"Hi …," she allowed. Very flatly, conveying she wanted to keep this as brief as possible. Whatever this was.

"Morning, Sunshine …," he intoned into her ear. There was sarcasm to it, so he'd clearly caught her tone. "Everything OK?"

She exhaled a bit and tried to suppress her annoyance. It wasn't his fault he was up before the crack of dawn and out of the house that morning. Or it was. But it wasn't. It was the job.

"Still working at getting the kids to school," she muttered at him.

When the decision had been made to adopt Emmy, there'd definitely been an awareness of the age gap between her and Benji. But somehow she'd convinced herself that the four years and change wasn't really that much in the grand scheme of things. And when thinking about that gap the thought process had more revolved around when the kids would be finishing high school and when they'd be starting or finishing university, if they choose that route. It'd been about how old she'd be – when Emmy was reaching that point. It was about mandatory retirement age and planning her retirement and thinking about if and how to help finance and usher two kids into adulthood (that was going to have to set in a whole lot sooner than it had with Jack).

She really hadn't thought about these years they were in now. The ones where one kids was at one school and the other kid was at another. Where Emmy was still too little and flighty for them to be letting walk to school on her own even though the school was all of four blocks from their house. Where Benji might be getting old enough to start letting him get to school on his own – but they weren't quite there yet. These years when the age gap between the kids did feel bigger and more gaping. When they were dealing with a little kid and a tween. And the realization started to set in that that gap might start to seem bigger and bigger over the next many years to come. And that it might not start to seem smaller again until those years that Olivia had thought about – when both the kids were in their 20s, which seemed so far away and so frighteningly close to sneaking up on them too. When both her kids weren't really kids anymore. But for now she knew there was going to be this mix of toys and videogames and electronic devices and picture books and novels and kiddie birthday parties intermixed with insistence on just wanting to 'hang out' or 'chill' with friends. With the playroom turning back into a bedroom as puberty hit and the want and need for privacy between a brother and sister became apparent again. And excitement about Friday Family Date Night and Sunday Family Fun-Day turned into just wanting to be left alone or wanting to do their own thing or wanting to go to a friends house.

But Olivia was learning more and more – almost weekly – that there were a lot of things you just don't think about when you're thinking about becoming a parent. That things you couldn't possibly come up with creep up on you. That you just don't really know what to expect or how to prepare until you have that living, breathing human being with their own personality quirks and wants and needs and triggers right there in front of you. And every day there's some slightly different challenge for you all to figure out how to navigate. And you just had to do the best you could. Because you will never, ever be able to anticipate everything.

And in so many ways she was glad to be navigating some of parenthood – with these child of hers – in her 40s and 50s, not her 20s and 30s. Because even though she very much knew she would've figured a way to work through it with the kids – for the kids, she wasn't sure she would've been ready for it quite the way she was now. She would've lost or changed more of herself than maybe she was even entirely able to appreciate at this point. She probably wouldn't be who she was or where she was in her life and career. And she just didn't think she would've quite had the kind of life experience these kids of hers needed from her. Because even in her 50s now she had her moments where being a mom tested her a bit more than she'd like to admit.

"OK," Brian allowed in her ear. "I just wanted to touch base."

"OK," she allowed – not even trying to disguise her annoyance that he was clearly checking in on her, perhaps more than the kids.

"Did you see Em's permission slip and the cash? I left it on the counter for you guys," he said.

Olivia rolled her eyes a bit. "Yes," she said.

"OK," Brian said and paused. "I just wanted to make sure. I dinged you. But hadn't heard back."

"I saw the text," Olivia said.

"OK," he allowed again and it hung there. She could tell he was weighing to ask what she knew he also wanted to ask.

"His science exploration log book is in his bag," she provided.

"OK," he said. There was some relief there.

Olivia wasn't sure to take it was a compliment to their relationship that she knew what Brian was thinking and was able to answer him without him asking. Or it was more a reflection of their parenting – or her parenting? – or their division of duties?

Brian was often the one who did the 'main level' of the house wrangling in the morning. She was the one who got them up and made sure they were dressed in something that could actually be worn outside the house and had their faces washed and hair brushed. But after they were downstairs – it was Brian who refereed their weekday breakfast and made sure they got everything in their bags. And more days than not, it was Brian who made sure Benji got to school by morning bells – because she had farther to get into work and he had the take-come vehicle when he wanted it to get back and forth across the bridge. Though, a lot of days when it wasn't hovering at zero or there was snow on the ground, Brian still either rode his bike or two the subway too. She didn't blame him. A lot of days that was still the faster option.

"Can you tell him for me that I know he's totally got that math test of his. He's going to be fine …"

"I will," she allowed a quite smile and glanced around the area at the top of the stairs trying to spot where Benji had gotten to when he'd raced up to the sidewalk ahead of her.

Another reason that they weren't quite ready to cross the threshold into letting Benji manage to get to school on his own yet: the closest stop was the hub right at the Atlantic Avenue stop. Beyond there being too many trains all coming through one place, it was just hubbub of activity. Commuters off to work. High school students in the building next to Benji's middle school. Middle school kids in the higher grades. Younger kids and their parents. Street venders and fast food and Starbucks and dollar slice shops all calling at the kids as much as the adults to spend money they shouldn't be spending – and wandering farther away from their final destination than they should. The giant Target, Best Buy and Barclay's Centre barely down the street and Atlantic Station Terminal being right there also didn't help. There were lots of opportunities for kids to go astray.

With Benji's previous troubles with bullying in grade school, getting him to go to school in the morning was challenging enough. They were just starting to get over the hump where he put up a protest near every day. Where he was starting to show some excitement about school and his teachers and classes and classmates and what he was studying and learning and activities he was getting to participate in. She didn't want to risk him getting off track – lured away by trying to fit in with other kids who decided to take some detours on the way to school. He missed enough school as it was with his medical appointments and days where his lupus was acting up. And letting him manage to walk just down the street from the middle school to the high school for his after-school LEAP programming was what had created the window of opportunity for his so-called 'friend' to introduce him to pornography.

Olivia wasn't quite ready to open up a 20-30 minute window of alone time for her sickly, slightly socially delayed, and too small for his age 11-year-old who so desperately just wanted to fit in and have friends to walk to school in the morning on his own, or navigate the subways either. He'd have to transfer trains and it would take him almost as long as it would to just walk. But she also knew that he was getting to the stage he wanted more independence – and that they needed to be teaching him the skills to be that way in all aspects of his life.

She knew that by about eleven and twelve years old both her and Brian had at least had the run of their neighborhoods – if not farther afield (beknownsted and unbeknownsted to their mothers). But their situations growing up were different than what their kids had. And it was a different time. And a very different city. And a different kind of humanity that roamed its streets. And kids and technology. And parents – not cops who had an expertise, and personal experience, in sex crimes and all the horrific things that can happen when you take your eyes off your children or loosen the reins a little too much.

It was a struggle in parenting that her and Brian were both having to come to terms with. How not to raise children traumatized by their own trauma. To teach them well and responsibly so they were smart, strong, independent adults. But it was hard given the things they knew and the things they'd both been through.

"I'm likely goin' to be late tonight," Brian said.

Olivia exhaled a bit as she continued to eye the area for her son amidst the chaos and movement. She hoped he hadn't continued up the street to his school when she'd ordered him to slow down. But she finally spotted him leaning against a wall, slightly obscured by a group of teenagers vaping. And she sighed a little at that too. More things he didn't need to be exposed to. Quite literally in this case. Her son – and his inflamed lungs – didn't need to be breathing in that crap. Or anything else kids that age decided they were going to get into – or anything that the things they were getting into were laced with (beknownsted or unbeknownsted to them).

"How late?" she asked, gesturing at Benji to get back into step with her. But his eyes were entirely glued on the bad example the teens were setting.

"Don't know," Brian said. "Goin' guess likely seven or eight."

She sighed at that again. Pursing out some more annoyance.

"What?" he asked.

"Well, there's a chance I'm going to be late too, Brian," she put back to him. "I told you that. I have to go to that luncheon and conference this afternoon for the case we were talking about. If something comes out of that – I'm going to be late."

"At least you aren't sitting in a phony plumbing van freezing your nuts off," he said.

She exhaled more annoyance at that. Like she hadn't done her share of those kinds of stakeouts over the years. And like getting a 'free lunch' that afternoon made the kind of case they were dealing with any easier.

"We've already asked your mom to watch the kids twice this week," was what she put to him instead – coming to a bit of a stop and giving Benji some of the Evil Eye she wished Brian could see. But her little boy still seemed oblivious to it for the moment.

"She doesn't mind," Brian said.

"Brian," she sighed harder. His mom did and didn't mind. In the very least it wasn't entirely fair to her to request as much of her as they did some weeks – especially this last minute. Janet had a life – and made plans – too. And, she would drop them and change everything if Brian called her and asked her to do after-school and dinner duty with the kids. That wasn't fair.

"So Cragen," he suggested.

Olivia rubbed at her eyebrow – and then abruptly stopped. All this coronavirus panic and hygiene talk had definitely alerted her to just how much she touched her face – and just how stupid that was in cold and flu season.

"Eileen's granddaughters are on spring break this week," she said.

"So?"

Olivia rolled her eyes at that – like Benji and Emily should always take precedence in the grandkid hierarchy. Or with that set of grandkids being in private school there must be enough money in the family that they could access services and programming for the full week without trying to recruit the grandparents for a few days help.

"I'll call John," she muttered. "If he feels up to it, I'll ask him. And if not … I'll figure it out."

"Jack or Renee," Brian said.

She just sighed again and shrugged – even though she knew he couldn't see it. "I need to get Benji to school, Bri. I'll see you tonight."

"'Kay. Love you …"

"You too," she managed. But she wasn't sure she felt very warm and fuzzy about it in that moment. Though, she was starting to accept that that was marriage. It was making the choice to be 'in love' with that person every day. And some days the level of expression and depth of that love was just shown in different ways.

Olivia stared Benji's way again but he was still watching the teenagers rather indiscreetly. But at least the teens weren't showing the least bit of interest in him or any of the other adults – including the safety officers positioned at the busy crossroads.

"Benj," she called at him and he finally met her eyes. "Hey, c'mon. Let's go," she said with a move along gesture.

He trotted over to her and got back into step with her, but still gave a glance back over his shoulder. She glanced down a him and his movement and then glance back at the teens again too. And she reached to find his hand – and grip it. Tightly. But his hand stayed loose in her grip.

"Dad wished you luck on your math test," she said.

He didn't react to that comment. "Those kids were vaping," he said instead.

"Ah, yea, they were," she agreed.

"Isn't it kinda against the law for kids to vape?" Benji asked.

She gave him another look. "Umm … it's a illegal for kids to buy tobacco products," she said.

Benji squinted at her. "So they musta bought 'em. Right? So aren't you gonna do something?"

"Umm …," she gave another glance over her shoulder. "Well, Benj, there's the Community Safety officers right there. So I think if they feel an action needs to be taken, we'll just let them deal with it. We're running a little late this morning. C'mon," she said again and picked up their pace by about half a step.

Benji easily caught up and kept the pace. "Taylor's brother got suspended for vaping the other day."

Olivia looked down at him, processing that. Taylor? That kid again? He was bad news. She wasn't sure she even wanted her child to be friends with this kid anymore. Actually, she was reaching the point she was pretty near the point she didn't want her child near her kid anymore. Especially with the way the parents were avoiding having a conversation about it. Olivia had been passing it off as an intimidation factor — that they were scared of her age or the knowledge they were cops or what kind of cases her and Brian worked. But maybe it was more about morals and lifestyle choices.

"You didn't tell me that," she said.

Benji just shrugged. "Yea. For a week. Him and three other boys in the school bathroom. Taylor says he's getting a ticket too. Like a fine. So I guess they were breaking the law …?"

"Ah, yea …," Olivia allowed. "You can't vape or smoke in schools, Benj."

He made a sound of acknowledgement like that had answered all his questions. But she was only at the beginning of hers.

"What grade is Taylor's brother in?" she asked.

"Eight," Benji said.

"Eighth grade," Olivia mouthed back quietly. It wasn't surprising. At all. It was more that it was a reminder of just how much things changed in middle school. The minefield you start to have to navigate as parents in a whole new way.

"Yea," Benji said. "Those kids back there. Theirs smelled like mint. But Taylor says his brother's favorite is mango. And there's even one that tastes like cotton candy. Only without all the sugar. Just the vapor."

Olivia gapped briefly at that and looked down at her son. "Does Taylor vape?"

Benji's eyes sort of betrayed him even though the only answer she got as a shrug.

Olivia pulled up on their joint hands – hauling him to a stop and stared firmly down at him.

"Benji, have you tried it?"

He huffed a bit at her and tried to pull his hand away. "Mom, c'mon," he groaned.

But she stooped a bit more to get his eyes. "Benji," she really stressed his name – to the point she bordered on pulling out the full 'Benjamin'. "Vaping, cigarettes, hookahs—"

He squinted at her with a touch of anger showing in that scrunched up face of his. "Hookahs? I don't even know what that is."

"Any tobacco products, Benji," she stressed. "This is important. You know how fragile your lungs are."

"I know," he pressed at her.

"So even trying any of those products – even being around kids who are using them too much – could really, really hurt your lungs. It could make the inflammation so much worse. The lupus so much worse. We might end up in the hospital again."

"I know, Mom," he pressed and tugged his mitted hand out of hers, giving her a disapproving look.

"So, Benj, tell me you know never, ever to get involved with what those kids back there or what Taylor and his brother are getting into …" she said.

He huffed at her. "I know," he said flatly and then gestured up the block with his mitten. "You can watch from here," he told her. "I can go the rest of the way myself."

And she squinted at him. "Doesn't Dad walk you to the gates?"

He sighed at her. "Yea, but Dad doesn't get all Dad-like on me in front of everyone," he said with some side-eye glances around parents and kids and teens all headed down the block to the middle school and high school.

She sighed a little at herself. She hadn't wanted to embarrass him. And she didn't want to embarrass him more. So she sucked in the mothering and parenting that was still threatening to spill out and gave him a little nod.

"OK," she acknowledged with a shrug. "Have a good day."

"Yea," Benji acknowledged and started his quick little loop-sided gait that always betrayed to her mother's eye just how much the lupus was bothering his knee on a given day.

But she sucked in commentary on that too. Though, she knew as soon as he got through the gates she'd be calling the nursing station to ask them to please give her son an NSAID to help him get through the day. Just like she was weighing if she should be calling his rheumatologist and requesting that a chest xray be added to his monthly lab requisition that month – just in case.

As Benji got to the front gates of the school, he paused and gazed back up the block. Olivia held up her hand in a small wave – telling herself that she didn't even always get a good-bye hug in the morning anymore as they all herded out the door, so she shouldn't feel the sting of not getting one in the street that day. And, though, she could tell Benji had spotted her and stared at her – seen her wave – he didn't return it. He popped in through the gates and into the schoolyard, disappearing from her sight.

And Olivia knew that it was going to be very, very hard to stand back and just watch him go through the coming years of growing up.

AUTHOR NOTE:

I think the next chapter will likely be a Benji/Brian conversation about some of the stuff from the previous scenes. I think it might be more effective than Benji/Liv or Liv/Lindstrom or Brian/Lindstrom or Liv/Brian/Lindstrom.

I am still deciding if the Tucker scene will be Brian/Tucker or Tucker/Liv. I have ideas of how to do it both ways and I'm undecided which makes the most sense or would be the most impactful.

I have an idea for a Liv/Amanda scene that would include her kids and Liv kids, as well as the Frankie introduction.

I still really want to get to the Liv/Taylor's mom scene and the Liv/Brian/Simon scene.

Feedback, reviews, comments, and ideas/suggestions for scenes are always very much appreciated.