Title: Beauty in the Mundane Moments
Author: ZombieJazz
Fandom: SVU
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law&Order: Special Victims Unit and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Jack, Benji and Emmy have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.
Summary: A series of stand-alone, non-chronological ONE-SHOTS set in Hello Goodbye, Welcome Home, Facing Forward, Best Laid Plans, A Step At A Time, The Night Before AU. Olivia Benson navigates the job, parenthood and marriage while trying to find the difficult work-life-family balance that comes with being a cop.
PLEASE NOTE: These chapters are stand-alone SCENES or one-shots. This is not a chronological story and there is no purposeful continuity. It is just a collection of moments. Some will reflect random ideas or potentially fun, humorous, heavy scenes to write with these characters. Others will expand on a scene from an episode (past or present) or recast the way a scene went while imaging it in this AU. Others will take a kernel from an episode and use it as inspiration for how these characters might've interacted with it going forward. Wherever possible, a year, season number or episode name will be provided to give some context of the general timeframe of the scene — to provide some guidance on where the characters are at mentally/emotionally and the ages of the children.
TIMEFRAME: Set in early-2020, likely late February/early March. This would take place after the chapter entitled FATHER FIGURES. The chapters may be reordered to reflect this in the future.
Brian stared at Ben's back out the back door's window for a real long moment before giving Liv a glance where she was watching too. But then he made himself open the door and step out into the air that was more cold than fresh. It hit at his lungs a bit harder than he'd like. Seemed like that happened anymore. Caused a bit of a cough – more like an audible gulp for air. But even the opening and closing of the door and that gag against the forces of Mother Nature didn't earn a glance from Big Man. But wasn't exactly like he expected it would.
So instead he stepped over and stood over him and looked down over the kid's hunched body as he gripped so tightly at a Sharpie that the flushed red flesh from the outdoors temperatures had actually turned white around his knuckles. It was like he was either holding onto that marker for dear life or trying to completely choke the life out of it. That day – week, month – Brian figured it was a bit of both. Just like the dark streaks and jagged lines around the character the kid was sketching out could be a monster just as much as it could be an alien. Just like he was likely screaming as much as it was roaring. Only thing that was undeniable about it was that when he came to this drawing and art stuff – Ben just seeped talent. Him and Liv both knew it. Just like it became more and more apparent with each passing year – each additional request for an art class or comic book class or each beg for the next drawing instrument and material he thought he needed or each additional ask to spend hours in the book or comic store staring at the graphic novels – that none of that talent had come from him or Liv either.
"Think you might be warmer doing that inside, Big Man," Brian told him. Or more like told his back. It only got a shrug. Barely.
Brian had to really suck it at that. Doing this tween shit with his own kid was really trying his fucking patience. And knew it was only going to get worse as this tween shit turned into teen bullshit. At least right now he could tell himself the kid was still a kid. But that didn't make getting treated that way – by your own kid that you're put blood, sweat and tears into raising – any fucking easier. Sometimes it almost made it more infuriating. Some times he felt like he was constantly having to check himself to not fucking lose his temper with the kid. To just go off on him. But Brian knew deep down that'd cause more fucking damage than any good it'd do. And that was going to have to be a line he'd need to tread carefully.
Like figuring out how to be a dad hadn't been enough of a fucking learning curve. He hadn't had a fucking example. He just knew what he didn't want to be. Knew what he did want to be. And he'd tried to put that into action. It was easy … enough … when the kids were real little. Then it was just about shit like … showing up. Playing with them. Putting food on the table. Tucking them in at night. Laundry. Cleaning. Cooking. Soccer, football, hockey, basketball. Bike rides. Pool and beach outings. Being able to carry them on his shoulders or arms out to grab them after that jump off the diving board or before the waves went crashing over their head. A push of the swing and a punt of the football. Holding the seat of their bike after the training wheels were off and they got their balance.
Now it was him who felt like the training wheels were rattling right off this rickety fucking attempt at fatherhood he'd been putting on for years. And he still hadn't fucking found his balance even though he could tell everything he'd been working at was getting close to falling away. And he had been really struggling with figuring out how to fix it. Or even just fucking balance everything out?
What the fuck did he know about being a dad to a tween? All he knew was he'd fucking wished he'd had a dad or older brother or something around back then to … fix shit for him. To take care of shit. To look out for him. Maybe if he had a lot of things would've been different. Would've been a different kind of teenager. Would've had a different kind of early adulthood – job path, career path, relationship path. Would've been a different kind of man. Likely.
He didn't know if he liked that idea or hated it. But knew he had to try to figure this shit out to be there for Ben in some kind of real way now. Knew that if he didn't figure it out soon that this next while – these couple years they had here – would likely define the kind of relationship they had when the kid was a teen. Would likely define the kind of teen Ben even was in some ways. And would ultimately overflow and impact the kind of relationship they had when this little boy got to adulthood too fucking quickly. The kind of relationship they'd have as men.
Brian knew he had to fix this. Because it wasn't just about his little buddy growing up. It was about losing his little buddy. This little buddy that he'd really hoped – had thought he'd been working toward – would be his buddy. Lifelong. Because Ben had stolen his heart just as much as Liv – even if it was in a different way. He was the love of his life too – even if it was in a different way that he hadn't even really fucking realized how any of that worked until Big Man and Ducky were there in his life. That Ben was as much his best friend as Liv was – even if that was in a different way too. And when he'd signed up for this – committed to going all in – losing the kids hadn't been part of the equation. He couldn't let this bullshit be the wedge that started that process of his boy slipping away from him. It wasn't going to work that way.
So he sucked it up. The pain. The anger. The fucking frustration. And worked again at his patience – not being a hot head. And he went and sat down next to Ben on steps of the back deck. They were damp too. Brian could feel the wet soaking through his jeans and into his bones already. Ben had been sitting out there for at least forty minutes. His ass would be soaked – cold and numb. Not good for his joints or just overall well-being. But it still didn't get a reaction out of the kid. Ben kept drawing. Acting like he wasn't there. No urgency to move, change, go in.
"Who's this?" Brian tried. Another shrug. But just nodded. "He got a story to go with him yet?"
"No," Ben allowed. There was a small edge to it but as much tone as it could be.
"Mmm …," Brian allowed and stared at the drawing. "He looks pretty upset. What's he got to be so upset about? Must be a story behind that?"
That did earn a little glance. Ben actually found his eyes – however briefly. But again the only response he got was another shrug.
Brian allowed another sound of acknowledgement. The look had probably said a lot more than the kid thought. He tapped at the side of the page a bit. It was enough to get Ben to adjust himself a little. Move like this fraction of an inch away from him.
"You think he's screaming or like roaring real good in that picture?" Brian asked.
"I dunno," Ben said quietly.
"Mmm …," Brian allowed. "Yea, you know I only so much about art and the whole artistic process, but seems like the sort of thing the artist might know."
"It's just a drawing …," Ben said. There was a small edge to that too.
"Kind of looks to me like maybe he's real frustrated," Brian offered. "So maybe it's a bit of both. A roar and a scream. Know sometimes I feel like doing both when I'm frustrated."
"You just yell," Ben said.
Brian kept his head tilted and stared at the kid. But the kid didn't look at him.
Brian finally gave a bit of a nod. "Yea, you're right, Kiddo. Sometimes I do. Try not to. But sometimes, you're right. That's how it comes out. Guess maybe a yell is kind of like a roar and scream combined. Maybe? You think?"
"I dunno," Ben said. "Doesn't matter. It's just a cartoon."
"OK," Brian allowed. "He's pretty good. Could definitely see him being a character in like a comic. Or cartoon, like ya said. He a monster?"
"An alien," Ben said.
"Mmm …," Brian allowed and looked more at the picture and then at his kid. "That's interesting."
"What is?" Ben asked.
"That he's an alien," Brian said and stared at the side of his kid's head more. "Know sometimes we sort of draw stuff we're feeling. Like if we're so frustrated or angry or sad that we want to scream or roar or yell. If we're feeling like we don't fit in, feeling kind of alien."
Ben cast him a look at that. It was annoyed. "He's an alien like the Men in Black ride," he said. "The one I shot in the head."
Brian just looked at him. They kept eyes. He didn't like that comment. But he scrubbed at his face a bit.
"Yea, we haven't watched that flick yet, have we ...," he said – trying to deescalate this. "Maybe we should. It's funny."
"It's old," Ben said. Tone there.
"Likely still holds up," Brian offered. It got nothing. "Mean, watching a movie inside where it's warm sounds pretty good to me. Sitting here five minutes and starting to feel like I'm freezing my nuts off, Big Man."
That got a shrug.
"You're not cold?" Brian put to him directly.
Another shrug.
Brian sighed a bit – and bit on his tongue a bit more. Making sure he gave himself some pause. And then he just scrubbed a bit at his face and looked at the kid working on that picture some more.
"Your mom and I were talking," he tried. "Know our parent-teacher meetings at your and Em's schools went pretty good this week. So we were thinking of going on a bit of a Lego outing this afternoon. Pick something out."
"Taylor says Lego is for kids," Ben said.
"You are a kid," Brian said.
"Not a little one," Ben contended.
"Yea, well, Big Man, I think we've both seen boxes that say like 14-plus and 16-plus," Brian said. "I don't think those sets are meant for little kids."
That got a shrug.
"So we're done with Lego because Taylor says so?" Brian put to him. Nothing. "That doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me."
Nothing. He stared at the kid.
"It's sounding like school might be shutdown for a week or two, Ben," Brian said. "Mom and I thought it might be nice to have a new set around the house to work on. Together."
Another shrug.
Brian sighed. That time he knew there was a bit of annoyance.
"Fortnite is for kids my age," Ben said.
"Not in our house, it isn't," Brian said – and he knew that had his own tone to it. It was Dad Tone. But he also knew that his own annoyance and frustration seeped into the even edge of it.
"Taylor's allowed," Ben said.
"You're not Taylor," Brian put back to him. "And the more I'm hearing about shit that goes on in Taylor's house the more I'm not loving that you're hanging around this kid."
And Ben just shifted again – away from him.
Brian sighed again and rubbed at his face – trying to calm and center himself. Trying to figure out this puzzle. How to get through to Ben. How to get over this fucking bump that it felt like this Taylor kid and his absent or lax parents had created.
He gave a glance behind him and saw Liv standing at the back door. She gave him a thin little smile that was probably supposed to be a smile of support. But it really just looked like a frown. And he must've frowned back because she bundled the sweater she had on around her more tightly and opened the door.
She stepped between him and Ben and went down a couple steps – her hand planted on Big Man's head for support like some kind of banister. It got a look from him. Him looking up at his Mom. And he got a more real smile as she took a seat down from them and put her hand on Ben's knee.
"You don't want to go out for Lego and Hygee House when Emmy gets home from gymnastics?" she put to their kid.
Brian saw the look Ben gave his mom. He hadn't included the pastry and chai latte in his presentation of the plan. The look on the kid's face almost said that might change everything. But then it didn't.
"Lego's for little kids, Mom," Ben gave to her too. But a little weaker.
Liv hummed some acknowledgement – like she actually believed that. Like they had any fucking evidence of that when they were still buying Lego blocks designed for architects for Jack. When their fucking 25-year-old still got a Lego set wrapped up at Christmas too so he didn't get over the kids' projects. When they'd been to Lego shows and conventions and museum exhibits at everything from the Guggenheim to the Hall of Science. When they saw more adults at any of these things than kids – with the possible exception of when they went to the Lego Discovery Center up in Westchester and you could only get in if you had a child in tow. Otherwise, Brian was sure it would've been swarmed with adults. As it was some of the building stations were overrun with the kids' parents and teen-aged siblings more than the grade school builders.
"OK," she allowed and patted his knee a bit. "Since you're getting to be a big kid, Benj. I think the three of us are going to have a bit of a grown-up conversation. Because Benji – how you're treating Daddy lately isn't very nice. And it's upsetting and hurting me as much as it is him."
Ben stared at her and then said as plain as day, "He keeps lying. That's not nice either."
And Liv shook her head. "Dad isn't lying, Benjamin. Yes, we have been talking around some things. Both of us, not just Dad."
"That's basically lying," Ben said.
"You're not wrong," Liv allowed. "But we were doing it because we weren't sure you were old enough to understand. But, you're in middle school now. You're growing up. So we're going to be really honest with you right now. OK? But – I want you to know some of this might be hard for you to understand. It might be confusing. But Daddy and I are right here – to answer your questions as best we can. And to remind you over and over and over again how much we both love you. OK?"
Brian gave her a look too. He felt a tightness in his chest and butterflies in his stomach in a way that he wasn't sure he'd felt since he'd been undercover. In those first days or those complex situations that you weren't sure you'd navigate out of. But Liv just locked eyes with him briefly and went back to looking at Big Man. She gripped a bit at his knee.
"I know you're starting to feel curious about who your biological father is – and where he is," she said slowly – slowly enough that Brian knew she was trying to find the words and that there was an element of pain to having to do that. "But, we can't answer that for you, Benji."
"'Cuz you don't want me to know. 'Cuz you're liars," Ben said.
"No," Brian spat with his own hurt and anger bubbling but Liv shot him a look that told him to calm down. And then looked back to their son.
"No, Little Fox," she said. "We can't tell you – because we don't know. Benj, we don't know who he is. So we can't tell you where he is or why he isn't a part of your life. We just don't know. We don't have those answers for you."
Liv kept holding at his knee and rubbing her thumb over it. Her and Brian both were looking at Ben – watching him try to process that and understand it. The confusion – and the hurt – that was mounting there became more and more apparent.
"That's not true," Ben finally said.
But Liv nodded and reached to take his drawing from his hand – he'd been strangling that marker even more. She put it off to the side and placed her hand in his grip instead – her squeezing his hand tight.
"It is true, sweetheart," she said.
He shook his head. "That doesn't even make sense," he said.
"What doesn't make sense about it?" she asked.
"You know who Emmy's real dad is," he pressed out with an edge of anger again.
"We do," Liv agreed. "We know who her biological father is," she corrected – trying to adjust the wording. This language they'd been trying to use around what made a family – or at least who made theirs.
"So you should know my dad," Ben argued back.
Liv shook her head. "We know who Ducky's biological father is because her biological mother was able to tell us, Benji."
Ben squinted at her. Confusion and then anger. "So then Peedg can tell you!" he pressed.
Liv shook her head again. "Jack doesn't know, sweetheart. I'm sure he would've told us if he did know."
"That doesn't make sense!" Ben spat harder and pulled his hand out of his mom's. "He just needs to say who her boyfriend or best friend was!"
Liv gave him a sad look and a little nod, adjusting on the step she was seated on again and held at his foot instead.
"Benji, you know how we've talked about there being different kinds of sex," she said.
"I know they had baby-making sex," Ben spat.
Liv nodded. "They did," Liv agreed. "But, Benj, sometimes people make a baby without planning to or meaning to."
He looked at her. And she squeezed his foot again.
"Technically, all sex where it includes a man putting his penis in the woman's vagina might make a baby. That's just how our bodies work. Even if the man and the woman aren't hoping to make a baby – they might."
Ben processed again. The quiet sat there. Brian could tell he still didn't understand – or didn't want to understand.
"That still doesn't make sense why you can't just tell me," Ben said.
Liv nodded and moved her hand to his knee again. "Sweetheart, I know we've talked to you about how sex is a way for two grown-ups who really care about each other to show each other just how special they are to each other. And we've talked about it that way with you – because as you grow up and start making more and more decisions about your life and your relationships we'd like you to think about sex that way. We want you to know it's something special for you to share with someone you trust and someone you care about and who makes you feel good about yourself."
Ben just stared at her.
"Big Man," Brian tried. "…" And then he found himself searching for words. "You know how Mom and I don't have baby-making sex …?" There was a barely discernible nod. "Well, Mom and me … have sex …"
Liv's other hand squeezed Brian's foot then as he stumbled around trying to figure out how to say this. "Daddy and I have sex not just as a special way to show we love each other. We have sex because it feels good. Lots of people – most of the time they're having sex, Benji, isn't about making babies or even entirely about showing someone you care about them. It's something that's pleasurable."
Ben stared again. His eyes darting a bit while he processed that. It was clear he wasn't letting himself connect the dots.
"Ben … what we're saying is that since … sex feels good … a lot of people when they're grown-ups decide to have sex just because it feels good. It's not because they care a lot about the person they're with," Brian said. "It's just … about—"
"Benji," Liv interrupted, she clearly wasn't loving his word choice. "From what Jack has been able to tell us, your mother didn't have a steady boyfriend or a best boy friend that she really cared about. But we know … your mother was having sex with more than one person."
His eyes darted again. "So why don't we just ask them?" he said.
Olivia sighed. And Brian shifted a bit to find his boy's eyes. "Ben, we know you were real little but sometimes it seems like maybe you remember a little bit about your mother and some of the things going on on that farm."
It got a tiny shrug. But his eyes got this vacant look in them before it came. Brian squeezed at his shoulders.
"Big Man, your biological mother she had some problems," he said, "and she made some choices that weren't very good. Your uncle's been able to tell us that there were lots of … men," he said.
That was a stretch. Ben was born when his mother was all of sixteen. It was likely a teen-aged boy that fathered Ben. Or maybe that's what they hoped. Though, the bits and pieces they heard over time they were acutely aware that in a best case scenario it was more likely some 20-something hayseed. There was the possibility it was far worse.
"Like … she had sex for fun with lots of people?" Ben finally asked. Or said.
Liv squeezed at his knee. "Yes, Benji. And there's … there's nothing wrong with having sex for pleasure and … trying it with more than one person—"
Ben stared at her. "Have you had sex for fun?"
She nodded. "Yes, Benji. I have."
"Not with Dad?"
She allowed a quiet amused smile. "Sweetheart, I have fun having sex with Dad. Daddy is probably the most fun I've had sex with – because I love him and trust him and he's very special to me. And all that's really important to find in your life – eventually. I want that for you. But, to find that most people are going to have to try a relationship – and sex – with other people. So, if you're asking if I've had sex with other people besides Daddy – Benji, yes I have."
His eyes darted uncomfortable and then fell on Brian. He allowed a nod.
"I've had sex with other people too," he told him flatly.
" … like porno?" Ben whispered.
Liv allowed a little smile and shook at his foot. "Benji, no. I've never had sex that's looked like a porno video. That's not real – even if it's real people. We talked about that."
"But my mom did?" he asked.
Liv sighed and shook her head. "Benji, I really don't—"
"The sounds the lady made …," he whispered. And his eyes glassed.
"OK," Liv said and moved, pushing herself up and wedging herself in next to Ben – pressing him between both her and Brian on the step. And she wrapped her arm around him, holding him. "Sweetheart, I know you've got some confusing and a little scary things buried somewhere in your memory," she whispered into his hair.
"They were hurting her," he crackled out.
Liv hushed into his hair. "Little Fox, I … I don't know what you heard on that video or what you heard when you were just a little boy. I can tell you, sweetheart, sex shouldn't hurt. Not you and not the person you're with. But, I know … I know you've got worries or concerns. And some of them, sweetheart, I can't answer. I'll keep trying my best to answer all the ones I can – if you keep talking to me and telling me what's upsetting you and confusing you.
"But I don't know what your mama was or wasn't doing, Benji. I don't know who she was doing it with. I do know when I adopted you we had to put a notice in all sorts of papers so your biological father could know that I wanted to be your mom. But if he saw them, Benji, he didn't call us and tell us who he was or how he felt about any of it. And, I know that hurts. But, Daddy and I both understand. We both grew up without Daddies. And we both really, really wanted you and your sister to have a chance to have a Daddy in your lives. So that's why it makes us both really sad when you tell us we're lying or you start being mean to Dad. It hurts both of us."
"Why didn't you just make me? And Emmy?" he whimpered a bit and pressed his face into her chest.
"Because that wasn't the plan the Night Sky had for any of us, Benj," she whispered into the crown of his head. And then she rested her cheek there and stared at Brian. Her eyes were glassing too.
He reached and found her hand and held it. And reached and squeezed his boy's shoulder with another.
"You know, Big Man, it's like your mom said … any guy and girl can end up making a baby. But … think about all the stuff that had to happen to make us a family. Your mom had to know your grandpa. And your grandpa had to raise Jack and talk to him about Ma. Jack had to remember that – her – after your grandpa and mother died. He had to find her. And it happened right at a time after your Ma and I had spent some time together again. And then made me wonder why she'd disappeared on me and for me to go looking for her and to meet you too. For you to be exactly what your Mom had been hoping for for so long. And getting your Ma and having a little boy of my own being what I'd been hoping for so long. For all those pieces to come together and line up? Big Man, that's a way bigger miracle than the biological imperative of some sperm making it up to an egg. Way bigger plans were at work for you."
"Daddy's right," Liv whispered into his hair. "Believe me. Trust him."
