DISCLOSURE STATEMENT: This author has no financial or non-financial relation nor do they possess any right to "Inuyasha: A Feudal Fairy Tale" franchise. Full ownership of all characters is the sole intellectual property of Rumiko Takahashi.
Wherever You Will Go
Sighing, Mama Higurashi glanced up the stairs where the sounds of faint sniffles and muffled sobs could be heard. Kagome, while a wonderful loving child, would never understand what was truly going on. How it felt to be trapped in your own mind. What helped and what did not. That feeling when your fingers grasp pointlessly at the dimming light above you while you drowned in murky water. Until you've been there, it would be almost impossible to imagine.
But she knew. She knew all to well the misery of people needing you and being completely incapable of meeting their demands. Kagome was too young to remember those few years that still seemed like a blur. Unable to force herself to get out of bed to feed her newborn infant or get her little girl ready for school. If it wasn't for Gramps, their struggling household would have fallen into pure chaos. It was ironic in a way. His wife too had died young. From that same beast inside of them. Genetics played a big part – that much was clear. Even now, there were times when Mama found herself overwhelmed with anxiety for her children. Wondering if she too would outlive them. But Gramps always seemed to know what to say to reassure her. He had always been there for them. For her. And for that she was eternally grateful.
"Did you find anything?" Mama asked cryptically of the elderly patriarch as he hobbled into the kitchen and he nodded as he too glanced up at the stairs in concern.
"Oh my yes," he replied before moving over to look at whatever his daughter in law was cooking.
"And?" she continued barely above a whisper. Mama, for her part, was completely aware of the half-demon's hearing abilities. They could probably travel several miles away and he'd still hear whatever they were saying. Gramps, for all his theatrics and outbursts, too seemed to understand the potential consequences of saying whatever he found out loud.
"I'm going to make a few calls," he hummed before he sniffed a few times, "That stew will be nice. Perhaps add some turmeric to it. Some garlic as well. My doctor believes it will do me well."
Mama sent him a suspicious side eyed glance but he looked as calm as ever.
"Do we have peppermint tea?"
"No. Did the doctor suggest it?" she asked curiously and Gramps shook his head.
"I just have a craving for it," he reassured her thoughtfully before they both glanced up the stairs when the bed creaked loudly, the sound of hurried footsteps then the opening and slamming of several doors could be heard. Mama cringed at the sound of retching that soon followed.
"I believe I will be making those calls now," he murmured more to himself than her before hobbling off without another word.
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Inuyasha angrily wiped away the tears that were falling as he swallowed the bile already trying to force its way up his throat. He felt utterly disgusted with himself for succumbing to such a weakness. Wanted to tear off his own skin just so to get a fresh start and break out of the hell his body was putting him through. Every second since he came back he wished he was someone, anyone else. He'd even take being a shadow of the man he used to be. But if he was being honest, he'd forgotten who that person even was.
Letting out a shaky sigh, he wiped away a few more tears off his raw, flushed cheeks and pushed himself off the ground. Guilt began worming in his gut when his mind played over and over all the times he pushed the others when they said they weren't feeling well or were tired. Those times he basically told they were weak and to just get over it. That it wasn't that bad. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he shakily gripped the doorknob and began to trudge back towards Kagome's old bedroom – taking a moment to glance down the stairs where Kagome's mother probably was listening to everything because why not throw a little humiliation into this clusterfuck.
Closing his eyes, he tried to hold onto the hope that this latest hell was temporary. Like...like Mama said. People got sick all the time. That it was very normal and that his altered appearance was just his body's way of helping. His demon blood trying to make him get better. Was that really so bad? He…he had been getting better after all. Mentally anyway. Surely this stupid illness would be over soon and it'd just be a one time thing. Something to look back and laugh about. He'd continue to get a grip on reality and cope and Kagome wouldn't want him to leave or leave him and...and it'd be good. It'd be fine.
It had to be.
He couldn't go back to how he'd been. Couldn't go back into the complete darkness. To ground zero and have to climb out all over again. He simply wouldn't survive a second fall from grace. He just needed to try harder. That was what was wrong with him He just hadn't been trying. Had been weak.
A wave of nausea hit hard and he stumbled slightly as the room spun out from under him. For one agonizing moment, he almost wished his demon blood would hurry up already and just let him go. To just let his mind fade into blackness where he didn't have to think or feel. Maybe, if he was lucky, someone would just kill him and all of this would be over.
Or maybe he should just kill himself and be done with it all.
Inhaling sharply, he froze the second that thought crossed his mind. Where had that come from? The disgust he felt at himself brought the thought back around.
Leaning against the wall for support, he tried to stomp down the growing panic and shame he felt as those pervasive thoughts kept running through his mind. No matter how hard he tried to ignore them they kept coming like an uncontrollable tick in the back of his mind. That had never been an option he considered before. Never. And he'd never do that. He'd seen first hand how that affected people. He'd experienced first hand where that path led for the people who loved you. It destroyed them. Closing his eyes, he pushed himself upright and quickly headed back to Kagome's bed. He just needed to sleep was all. He had been getting better. Being ill was just a minor setback. Something that didn't matter. That wouldn't last. He just needed to stay positive. To keep moving forward.
Still, that thought continued to reverberate in his mind as he gingerly situated himself under the covers and drew his hands up against his chest. A few tears breaking free as he let out a shaky sigh.
"Go away," he whispered hoarsely as though saying the words out loud would somehow get through his thick skull, "Just go away."
