Alive

By: Aviantei

24 mph


It's been way too long since I've done anything like this, so it takes a moment for my brain to catch up with what's going on—y'know, with the fact that I decided that kissing Cunningham Hume in a public hallway is a good idea. Definitely not the most shameless thing I've done with another person out in the open, not by a long shot, but still enough to make me wonder just when I decided this line was a safe one to cross.

Because Alexander's too much of a gentleman for this to go wrong. He won't make me do anything I don't want to.

I trust him.

Alexander damn right isn't the first person I've ever kissed, and it doesn't feel like anything too spectacular. There's that familiar hard press of lips less soft than mine, and it's comfortable enough with our bodies together that I could get used to it. Maybe it'd be a bit more enjoyable if I hadn't stunned the poor man so bad that he could reciprocate, but that's easy enough to fix.

Not even pausing to take in a breath I flick my tongue against his parted lips, and I can feel the movement of him returning the gesture as he puts his hands on my shoulders—and pushes me back.

It's not with a lot of force, but I'm off balance from having to get on my tiptoes to even kiss him, the tall son of a bitch, so it's easy enough to get me to back off. Not that I was planning on continuing if he told me to stop. And since his expression is somewhat conflicted if not flushed basically the same color as his mech suit, I drop my arms to the side to show that I respect him asking me to back off.

"Kirsten," he says, so many emotions mixed into the name that I can't start to unweave them. "I'm flattered, okay, but before you do anything else there's—there's something I need you to understand."

Okay, first couple of points go to the fact that he's not mad at me, per se, but plenty of alternative possibilities flash through my head. "Shit, I, like, assumed you were at least into girls, that was stupid of me." Is that why Jan was so protective when we went out drinking that first time, because he's gotten tired of girls that don't stand a chance hitting on his friend? "Sorry, I should know better, I wasn't—"

"No, no, that's not it. I don't care about gender; that's not what this is about." Oh, that's one worry off my mind. Alexander licks his lips while his eyes search for the right words to say next. "If it's you, Kirsten, I don't care at all. But before—before anything else, I need you to know—" He cuts himself off again, then without any of his usual smoothness, he blurts out, "Do you know what graysexual is?"

Oh.

Oh.

"Oh, thank fuck!" If we weren't in the middle of a serious conversation, I would kiss him again I feel so relieved. As things are, though, my sudden shout makes him jump, and maybe I shouldn't startle him so much. That doesn't stop me from almost falling forward, my face smooshing against his chest. "That is the best goddamn thing I have ever heard in my life, Alexander, you have no idea." My words come out muffled, but I can hear his rapid heartbeat almost echoing against his ribs. "Sorry," I say again, standing up up like a semi-rational adult as I point a finger at myself. "I'm asexual. Like, not sex repulsed or anything, and I can enjoy it, but you won't see me getting worked up anytime soon."

"Ah, that's…" Alexander coughs, glancing away. "That's a better response than I usually get."

Yeah, suddenly it makes a whole lot of sense why Jan was all cautious about me. How many people have tried to get close to Alexander—to Cunningham Hume—expecting something out of him that he wouldn't be able to give in return? I sure now I've been on the burnt end of that equation before, though that's mostly been my fault. Hell, kissing Alexander could have turned into a mess, too, but it didn't immediately go to flames, so there's that.

It takes us both a few moments to process that there's no need to explain —while we're not the exact same, we're close enough that we get it. And, honestly, that makes things so much easier. I'm trying to figure out the next best thing to say, but Alexander gets there first. "Well, since you're not objecting to anything, I'm going to assume that kiss wasn't a mistake?"

Oh, you think you can try and embarrass me? Tough luck there, buddy. "It might've been a mistake if you didn't like it, but I think things worked out pretty well for me." I clear my throat and put on a sly smile. "What was that you said? 'If it's you, Kirsten, I don't care at all,'" I say, dropping my voice as I quote him. "I will apologize for kissing you without your consent, though. But it was nice and romantic of you to say that anyways."

Alexander isn't very good at hiding his blushes, but he manages to keep his voice steady. "Is that an option, then? Being romantic?" Okay, maybe I can't tease him about blushing, since my face warms up a bit. "I don't want to do anything you don't want to, Kirsten. You're someone I enjoy having as a friend far too much for that. So I need to know before I start doing things that could screw that up."

I let out a small laugh, pushing my bangs away from my face. "You're way too polite. I'm the one who's done all the things to potentially screw this up." Broke into his house, tried to pull myself out of his life without warning, fucking tried to make out with him without even thinking through if it would be okay. Still, he's being honest and vulnerable with me, so I should at least return the favor. "But…yeah. I want to keep you in my life. And I don't think I would mind romance being a part of that."

How long has it been since I've felt safe heading into something like this? Come to think of it, I don't think I ever considered safety before—I acted on impulse, hoping that the fling of a relationship would give me those splashes of color, but it never did for long. And after one too many people getting upset about my lack of sexuality, I stopped even trying.

I know Alexander isn't a perfect fairy tale or anything, but he's the closest shot I have to something good.

He's also still looking faintly flustered. Maybe he's like me and he's avoided relationships for long enough that he doesn't know how to handle the prospect of one. As an older sister with two younger brothers, I've mastered the art of being able to tell when people are thinking of something embarrassing—and forcing them to talk about it. "If you have something important you want to bring up, now's probably the time to do it, Alexander." I flash him a teasing grin. "I promise I won't be offended by whatever you bring up." Besides, it's healthy to be out on the open about these things, just to save any potential miscommunication trouble from happening.

"Right." Though his words sound confident, he still glances up and down the hallway, as if looking for an eavesdropper. "I just…want to make it clear that this obviously isn't the only thing I care about, but…" He coughs, and I'm so glad I can see the red as it tints all the way up his ears. "If, in the off chance I happened to be in the mood, then—"

"If you want to have sex with me, I wouldn't be opposed to it," I say, mercilessly avoiding any tact. Wow, he looks cute when he's about to choke on his own embarrassment. To make it worse, I step closer into his personal space, bringing our bodies close again, but not enough to touch. "Of course, if I say no, you better damn well respect that. Otherwise, though…" I lean back up, not for a kiss, but to put my lips next to his ear before I whisper:

"I wouldn't mind in the slightest if you were less of a gentleman for once."

Alexander lets out a defeated groan mixed with a laugh. "I think that might be arrangeable, considering that you aren't exactly what I'd call a lady."

I giggle. "Has it taken you this long to finally figure it out?"

"No, but I thought it would be rude to say it beforehand." Satisfied with the reaction I've gotten, I go to step back, but Alexander reaches out to take hold of my wrist. "Though, since it sounds like I have your permission, maybe I'll take you up on your offer." There's still a bit of leftover pink in his cheeks, but otherwise his expression is back to smooth and confident—for the two seconds I get to see it before he's kissed me back.

It's much easier to hold it whenever he's leaned down a bit to reach me. It doesn't take long before our tongues have twisted around each other, him with more input than before, no hesitation or conversations to get in our way. While I may not have a sex drive, I can't deny the enjoyment that a good make-out session gives me, and there's the extra thrill that comes from doing so in a semi-public place. Add that on top of the adrenaline rush from the mech ride, and I feel incredibly spoiled by life right now.

We end up being a bit late for dinner.


Considering all of Jan's worrying, I'm impressed at how well he takes the news that Alexander and I are a thing (dating, if you want to be technical about it). Maybe's it's because Alexander is the one that says it. Maybe it's because Dew is such a good sport about it. Maybe it's because I offer to buy him drinks next time we go out for beer. Maybe I was just paranoid. Who knows? No matter what the reason is, we have a tasty meal, and despite having met me a grand total of two times, it's like I'm part of the group already.

I like it.

I like when I have people to laugh and smile with.

I like having someone I trust enough to drive me home.

I like this.

I like when the world is in color.

I like feeling so damn alive it hurts.

I'm in such a good mood that I even forget to be upset with Mariya for her meddling. Who even cares? She may be a hacker, but part of that is also distributing information. It's not like she'd give away any intel on me that's serious. Her helping Alexander so he could surprise me with an actual mech ride was well worth it. And as I hum when I get home, I decide that I'll be the magnanimous one and forgive her, just this once for being a little shit.

Plopping down on the couch and stretching out, I go to check my phone for anything I missed during the day. There's the usual couple of pings from my brothers and random emails, and partway through tossing out spam, I realize that Mariya's sent me an unprompted message with several attachments. It only takes a couple of seconds for me to realize what they are.

I should probably tell the research team they've left some security holes in their system, I think, trying to decide whether I want to save these screenshots of my impromptu kiss with Alexander for my personal use or if doing say is just asking for Mariya to tease me. Ah, before that, though.

I pull up Mariya in my contacts and press call. It doesn't take long for her to answer. "What is it, my dear?"

"I've figured out the favor you owe me."

"Oh, what can I do for you?"

"You're not allowed to stalk me anymore."

"You're no fun!"


[Author's Notes]

Hey, look, more things I've been sitting on for a while. Get your asexual/graysexual rep here.

More notes in the next chapter because we're doing a double update this week to fit things into the calendar year for posting!

-Avi

[10.14.2019]