Dib Membrane jerked awake in his bed with the impression of having heard things smashing and shattering nearby. He almost relaxed, chalking it up to a lingering dream…and then, two seconds later, he realized why it almost certainly wasn't.
Oh, great.
He lurched out of bed, padding rapidly towards the stairs on bare feet. On the way, he passed Gaz, staring at him coldly from her bedroom doorway with an expression that said, You're responsible for waking me up way too early, and it's summer vacation. Fix it. Like he hadn't done everything he could to prevent this.
In the living room, a familiar dog-suited robot was sitting on one of the built-in shelves above the couch, excitedly greeting the ceramic knick-knacks placed up there for decoration. Said robot was currently focusing on an inexplicable figurine of a fish with wings. "HI, FISHY!" the robot exclaimed, bending down to make eye contact with it. "Is you gonna fly?! I help!" With that, he flung it straight at the floor, where it predictably splintered into pieces.
The room's other occupant scowled. "GIR! Stop throwing those ridiculous Earth trinkets at me! I'm trying to complete an assessment of the Membrane household's technological capabilities!" he poked at a tablet of some sort that had emerged from the dome-shaped contraption on his back. "Hmm…interesting. This is surprisingly advanced…"
Then they both looked up and saw who was staring at them, none too impressed.
"Hi Mary!" exclaimed Gir, waving excitedly, then grabbing a book off the shelf and chucking it at Dib's head. Dib sidestepped, but still felt it graze against his ear before it plopped on the ground beside him.
Zim jabbed an accusing finger in Dib's direction. "You cannot stop us, pitiful human worm!" he announced.
"No, please, keep doing that," retorted Dib. "I really want to see you finally get banned from my house."
The words were hardly out of his mouth when he heard the tread of heavy footsteps behind him. He whirled around with the faintest glimmer of hope in his eyes. "Hey, Dad—"
Professor Membrane, his arms folded across his lab coat, shook his head sternly. He was surveying the dropped book, the broken fish, and all the other fruits of Gir's labors that morning. "Son," he stated, "I'm happy to see that you and your little green friend are having fun, but you need to learn how to be less destructive. Just look at this mess!"
"Huh?" Dib's eyes widened. "I didn't have anything to do with this! It was—" And he looked over his shoulder, only to see that in the infinitesimally small span of time before the professor had come in, Zim had yanked Gir down from the shelf and wrestled the doggie hood over his squirming robot's head.
"Yeah, Dib," Zim said, grinning wickedly. "You're always such a klutz."
Dib's hopes quickly plummeted, but he still turned back to his father, even knowing full well that it was a waste of breath. "Dad, Zim's…dog did this! His robot dog! He—"
"Oh, son," Membrane sighed. "When are you going to start taking responsibility for your actions?" He bent down, picked up the discarded book (Membrane Memories: Twenty Years of Creating a Better Everything) and shelved it reverently. "Since this was your first sleepover, and I'm sure you just got a little carried away, I'll let you off the hook with a warning. Now, you boys should come and get some breakfast while I get Cleanio-3000 to clean this up."
Membrane set off for the kitchen, and Dib stared after him, feeling more dismayed than disbelieving. He could have protest, said I never asked for this "sleepover" or Zim isn't my friend, but what was even the point anymore? It wouldn't make a difference. It never did.
Zim kept beaming his insufferable smirk at Dib. "You better hurry up and get in there," he said in a singsong voice. "We wouldn't want your dad to think that you're even more of a little delinquent than you already are!" Then he marched along with a gait that always made Dib grind his teeth: legs too straight, feet kicking up absurdly high. And of course, when Dib gave Zim the satisfaction of seeing how irritated he was, that was all the more incentive for Zim to keep doing it.
When Zim had vanished from sight, Dib stayed behind for a moment, rubbing his temples. Not very long ago, Zim would never set foot in this house, except in the direst of dire situations…but now it seemed like obnoxious was the new normal.
Dib's predicament had started in the wake of the Florpus disaster. It was the closest that Zim had ever come to destroying the Earth, the closest that Dib had come to being vindicated by his father, and it had all ended with…everything being exactly the same as before. Professor Membrane was still as dismissive as ever. The population of Earth seemed to have forgotten that anything had happened. Only Zim had emerged from the ordeal slightly different – and the differences were that he was more brazen, as well as more annoying.
First, he'd started showing up at the kitchen window to heckle the Membrane family during mealtimes. Dib could have endured that…but then, after a few days, his dad had straight-up invited Zim inside for dinner. Dib had thought that Zim would refuse. He'd been silently begging for Zim to refuse. But one look at the discomfort twisting up Dib's face had been all the motivation Zim needed to accept the invitation.
So that had sucked, but at least Dib would get a consolation prize in the form of watching Zim attempt to choke down human food, which might even (though probably wouldn't) tip off Professor membrane. Except that the universe had denied Dib even that one small pleasure, because for some reason, Zim could actually eat their food without being sick. Membrane had offered some vague explanation about his foot being "ingestible by people of all cultures"; Dib suspected that it was just because Membrane, who would occasionally lecture about the unsustainability was of the meat industry, always served vegetarian meat substitutes (indistinguishable from their fleshy counterparts) instead of the real thing. In any case, Zim was delighted by the food, and even more delighted by the way Dib squirmed through the entire meal. Thus, he started showing up more frequently, more for the latter perk than the former.
Dib had been tearing out his hair ever since then. This whole thing had just been reinforcing his father's delusion that he and Zim were friends, and Gaz was no help, either – while she wasn't exactly on Zim's side, she enjoyed watching her brother suffer far too much do anything. In fact, she even had a new threat for whenever he was doing something that she didn't like: "Do what I say, or I'll tell Dad to invite Zim over!"
Everything had come to a head last night, when Membrane had invited Zim to sleep over after dinner, seeing as how he and Dib were such good friends and yes, of course Zim could bring his dog over, as long as it was hypoallergenic. (Dib was allergic to everything with fur, but evil robot slaves did not generally fit into that category.) Here you go boys, watch a movie, have some popcorn, play a board game, enjoy yourselves!...
Needless to say, it had been the longest night of Dib's entire life. And now here he was, the next morning, having been awakened by Gir tearing through the house, fully expected to go to the kitchen and eat breakfast with his mortal enemy. All in all, it was shaping up to be another intolerable day of summer vacation.
In the kitchen, Zim had already made himself quite comfortable, and Dib sullenly plopped down into the seat across from him. Somebody, either his dad or Foodio-3000, slid a plate of pancakes and bacon under his nose. He took listless bites while staring intently at Zim, hardly tasting the food. Zim had to be planning something big, but what…?
"What's the matter, Dib?" taunted Zim, leaning forward slightly. "Can't get enough of gazing upon my glorious appearance?"
Heat burst into Dib's cheeks. "What?! No!" he sputtered. "Q…quit trying to play head games with me! I know exactly what you're doing, and it's not gonna work!"
"Eh?" Zim arched a brow. "The only head games I am interested in are the ones that I'll be playing with your grotesquely large cranium when I sever it from your shoulders!"
Professor membrane chuckled. "Oh, you boys and your little rivalry…"
Dib kneaded his cheeks as if that would scrub the redness away. I'm losing my touch, he thought. I can't keep letting Zim get me flustered like this.
"Yes, human, cleanse your face of its filthy Earth-stink," said Zim. "Prepare your disgusting meat skin for the victorious hands of ZIIIIIIIIM!"
"Oh my god." Dib smacked his forehead against the edge of the table, feeling the cool laminate press against his hot skin. "Will you just stop?! Do you not hear how that sounds?!"
"It sounds like my victory!" shouted Zim.
Next to him, Gaz snapped off a piece of bacon in her mouth, chewed, swallowed, and said, "No. It sounds like you want to run your hands all over Dib."
Zim's eyes bugged out, and his skin appeared to turn a paler, more sickly shade of green. "WHAT?! I…NO! Feeble-minded human, you are simply twisting the meaning of my words! I would never dirty my superior hands by soiling them with the likes of Dib!"
"That's not what you said just a second ago," Gaz pointed out nonchalantly, biting down on another strip of bacon.
At that point, Dib shoved out his chair and stood up. "Okay, I can't do this anymore! I'm done, I'm getting out of here! Bye, guys!"
"Son, it isn't polite to leave your friend behind during a sleepover!" called Professor Membrane.
Dib was already at the stairs. "Zim isn't my friend, and I don't care!"
He dressed himself in record time, snatched a random book off of his desk, and stomped out of the house – making sure to slam the door so that both Zim and his family would know exactly how he felt about them. If he had looked back, he might have seen Zim hastily slipping out of the house right about then, dragging Gir along. But the last thing that he wanted to do right now was look back.
Back in the kitchen, Gaz looked up at her father questioningly. "What's with them?" she asked. "I mean, they've always been weird, but now they're like…different weird. Or extra weird."
"Well, you see, daughter," answered Membrane, steepling his fingers, "there comes a certain time in a boy's life where he suddenly develops an interest in the opposite extreme of the gender spectrum, colloquially known as 'girls.' He begins to abandon his previous unscientific notions of these 'girls' as unsavory cootie reservoirs, and soon finds himself spending an increasing amount of energy thinking about, studying, and pursuing them in the hopes of forming a courtship. And in your brother's life, that time…will never happen, because he's obviously gay."
"Ah," said Gaz, pulling her GS4 out of her pocket.
During summer vacation, town was much too crowded during the day, particularly with children ready to mock their peers at the first provocation. So Dib took his book into the woods, planning to read beneath the cool shade of a tree.
It was a relief to be alone with his thoughts for a little while; at home, he often felt like he couldn't even hear himself think anymore. He spread his coat out on the grass – kind of hot wearing it around in the summer, but he had to look suitably mysterious – sat down, and opened up the Encyclopedia Phatasmica. Maybe he needed a break from stupid aliens. Maybe focusing on ghosts would help to clear his head.
But ten minutes later, he was still staring at the first page, while various uncomfortable thoughts chewed through his head.
Zim's only made a few weak attempts at destroying the Earth since the Florpus thing. He's in my house all the time, I've had plenty of opportunities to capture him and expose him…so why haven't I?
Because he wanted a fair fight? Because it wasn't the same without the thrill of the hunt? Because something would inevitably go wrong, so there was no point in even trying?
Or because he wasn't ready for all of this to come to an end?
One time, humiliated by his most recent defeat, Dib had decided to abandon his interest in the paranormal and study mainstream science alongside his dad. He'd lasted a few weeks. During that time, he'd missed so many of his favorite things: Mysterious Mysteries, zombies, vampire doughnuts…but the thing that had pushed him over the edge, that he'd decided he couldn't live without, was trying to catch Zim. And when he'd finally broken down and rushed to Zim's house, only to see Zim lazing around on the couch, had Dib caught himself that alien easily while he had a chance? Nope. He'd insisted that Zim get up and face him so that things could be exactly the way that they'd been before.
Was that why Dib was losing his mind over Zim hanging around the house all the time? Not just because he didn't want an alien hanging around in his personal space, but because it was different from normal, and he didn't like that? But if "normal" meant allowing a dangerous extraterrestrial to roam free and threaten the planet…
"Hunting Zim gives me more purpose than I've had in a long time," he said aloud, before indignantly recoiling from the thought. "What, what?! How can I say that?! My priority should be the safety of the Earth! A paranormal investigator getting purpose from an alien is just…sick!"
"Talking to yourself again, eh, Dib?"
Dib jolted – then immediately let out a long sigh. He should have made better use of his alone time while he still had it.
Zim sauntered up, tugging Gir along by a leash, while Minimoose – the member of the trio who'd been absent at last night's sleepover – bobbed along behind. "What are you plotting, human?" demanded Zim. "You wouldn't come to the wilderness of your own free will unless you had a trick up your tricky and disgusting human sleeve!"
"I was plotting to spend five lousy minutes without you bothering me," said Dib. "But now here you are, ruining it."
Zim stabbed a finger forward. "You won't get rid of me that easily! I will crush this planet beneath my heel, and you, Dib, will be forced to watch the subjugation of humanity before I subject you to excruciating torture and death!"
"Okay," said Dib. "Could you please leave me alone until you actually get to the whole crushing-the-planet-and-subjugating-humanity part?
Zim froze in the middle of triumphantly shaking his fist. "Eh?"
"You haven't really done anything in a while. You just hang around my house and annoy me."
"No I don't!"
Gir chimed in: "Yes you do!"
"Nya!" agreed Minimoose.
"I didn't ask for your opinion!" Zim snapped, before clearing his throat. "It's really none of your business, stink-boy, but if you must know…I'm conserving my greatest ideas for when the Almighty Tallest return."
Dib blinked. "Return from where?"
"Eh…I don't know," admitted Zim. "They just haven't been answering my calls."
Dib thought back to the Florpus incident. Zim's leaders, who apparently only flew in a straight line, had been piloting their armada straight towards the displaced Earth. Then Earth had been teleported back to its rightful place at the last possible moment, which would have left the armada directed towards…
"Um, are you sure that your leaders aren't dead from, like, being torn apart in that Florpus hole you created?" asked Dib.
"No, no, that can't be right!" Zim flapped his hand dismissively at Dib. "And even if it is, Irk would have chosen a new Tallest by now. No Tallest would ever ignore Zim, their greatest and most incredible Invader!"
Dib shrugged. He had to admit, it would have been weird for the Almighty Tallest to fly straight into the Florpus when they probably had ample time and equipment to avoid it. Either way, the end result was still the same: he and Zim were left with nothing to do but get on each other's nerves.
Zim began half-marching, half-pacing back and forth. "In the meantime, although I'm saving my brilliant plans for when I can show them to the Tallest, my important infiltration work continues. Now I have your father-human eating out of the palm of my hand! He will never believe you!" He belted out a maniacal laugh that, which was too loud and lasted several seconds too long.
"You're right," said Dib.
"OF COURSE I'M – wait." Zim stopped in his tracks. "You're actually agreeing with Zim?!"
"Yes, for once." Dib glanced down at the book that still lay open in his lap, as if taunting his inability to focus on it, and slammed the cover shut. "I know my Dad will never believe me. Even when he has proof right in front of his face, he either says it's fake or just thinks that it's all a dream. If the Florpus stuff didn't convince him, then nothing will. It's a lost cause."
"Oh." At first, Zim didn't see to know what to make of that, but then: "Yeah, it sucks when your authority figures just ignore you, doesn't it?"
"Yeah," agreed Dib.
The two of them looked at each other, and a strange, awkward sense of solidarity passed between them. It was broken after a couple of seconds, when Zim pointed mockingly at Zim and uttered, "HA!"
And then, as if the Earth itself had been shaken by that weird moment of them relating to each other, the ground began to rumble.
Dib sprang to his feet, but he was forced to grab the nearest tree trunk in order to stay upright. Zim, on the other hand, fell straight onto his butt. Gir and Minimoose started jumping around and squeaking, apparently having decided that this was a cause for celebration even as the very air thrummed around them.
Clouds of dust began gushing into the air, and Dib squjinted, trying to see what was going on – only to be rewarded with a blinding flash of light that rivaled the sun in brightness. He winced sharply, pressing back against the tree. The ground rattled and heaved, shaking faster and faster, until…
BOMP!
With one last concussion, everything settled down as quickly as it had gotten riled up. No more shaking, no more bright light, and even the dust was sinking back down; nevertheless, something was still different – and that something was the addition of a dome-like orange structure, curving above the treetops less than a hundred yards away.
"Eh?!" shrieked Zim.
"No way," breathed Dib.
For the first time in too long, his passion for the paranormal ignited within him, fueling the engines of his mind that had grown creaky from disuse. Now this was a change that he could deal with – because right now, right in front of him, was what could only be an alien spaceship.
