A/N: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Writing these emotion filled chapters about our beloved couple exhausts me. But at the same time, I love writing them too - otherwise, I'd stop, right?
Mary's bedroom – 12:30AM
"I want you to kiss me."
Marshall's head flew back in shock, his eyes wide, his breath coming in short, shallow gasps. The love of his life had finally said words he'd been longing to hear and here he was struck dumb and paralyzed from the neck up.
Mary sat up and reached out to him. "Marshall?" her hands fell on his shoulders but when he flinched under the contact she let her hands fall away. "I've shocked you."
He gulped, trying to think of how to put what he was feeling into words. "You have no idea-"
She shook her head. "I'm sorry, I thought we were on the same page here. I'll just-" she slid to the foot of the bed but quick as a flash, he followed and cupped her shoulders, turning her back to face him.
"You have no idea how long I've waited to hear you say those words."
The knot of anxiety and fear that had been forming ever since she had made her request and been met with his silence began to dissipate. "Since the barn?" she teased him, referencing the first and only time their lips had met, though she had called it 'smearing lipstick', refusing to acknowledge the fact that they had kissed.
He dropped his hands but not his eyes. "Honestly? Long before that."
The remainder of the knot dissolved to be replaced with a tingling warmth that she had previously only felt when in the throes of passion – never from just a look. Marshall had always had the ability to make her feel safe and protected within his embrace. But now that she knew the depth of his feelings and was just beginning to let herself go in regards to how she felt about him-
"Mary?"
She was startled out of her thoughts by his voice. "I'm OK, I'm not overthinking things, promise."
He frowned. "You've been through so much today – there's no hurry. I'm not going anywhere."
She shivered. "We don't know that for sure, do we? The jury could convict you, Marshall – and it would be all my fault."
He lifted his hands and gripped her shoulders, giving her a little shake. "Will you stop saying that?"
"I can't help it. If it wasn't for me, Kenny wouldn't have been in our lives at all-"
"Then it might have been someone else, for fuck's sake, and you know it! God, woman! You drive me mad, do you know that?"
She smiled weakly. "Then maybe you should walk away now before you get in any deeper-"
His hands fell from her shoulders in shock. "Is that what you want? After the trial do you want me to leave Albuquerque and you and Norah behind?"
"Perhaps it would be for the best."
"You're running hot and cold, Mer. Five minutes ago you were asking me to kiss you and now you're telling me to leave. Which is it?"
"I-"
"What do you want, Mer? You can't have it both ways."
"I think you should go."
His heart broke a little but he knew she was just protecting her heart again, so he pushed the hurt aside. "Enough of this," he growled as he pulled her into his arms. "Mary Shannon, what do you feel, right now in my arms, what do you feel?"
She grinned lasciviously. "Well, I definitely feel how much you want me."
He groaned. "I wasn't talking about me, woman. I was talking about you. Tell me how you feel. Do you love me?"
Her head dropped and she studied the buttons on his pullover. "You promised not to pressure me – to give me time."
"And one minute you're asking me for a kiss and the next you're pushing me out the door."
"Haven't you ever dealt with women before?" Mary looked up at him through her lashes.
"I haven't had much experience with women, you know that – and especially not ones that are in love with me."
Her breath left her in a rush. "I never said I was-"
His lips brushed against hers so quickly she almost wasn't sure they had been there in the first place, except for the fact that her lips were tingling and she was light-headed. She looped her arms around his neck.
"Kiss me, Marshall."
He shook his head. "Nope, not until you admit it."
She narrowed her eyes. "That's blackmail."
He shrugged. "That's a dirty word – just give me some encouragement, Mer, that my feelings aren't one-sided."
She leaned into him, resting her forehead against his. "You know they're not."
His eyebrows flew up. "How would I know that?"
She lifted one of his hands and tapped it against the side of her head. "Room renting, remember?"
He shook his head. "I would never be so presumptuous as to presume how you felt about me, Ms. Shannon." He took a long, slow, deep breath. "Are you saying – you have feelings for me?"
She was shaking again, but the trembling was softer this time, and it eased as he gathered her back into his arms. "How could I not?" she whispered, and watched a grin break out across his face. "Now, would you please just-" the rest of the words were lost as his mouth covered hers.
Mary was no stranger to being kissed. The first time a boy had dared to kiss her was in second grade. And it had been a dare – little Tommy Nelson had been dared by his friends that he couldn't steal a kiss from seven-year-old cold-hearted Mary Shannon. So at afternoon recess, while they were hanging upside down on the monkey bars, he swung and planted one right on her lips. Mary's response? She slugged him in the face, breaking his glasses and his nose. She got suspended from school for two days and was forced to apologize to Tommy and his parents. But she wasn't sorry – and she made Tommy apologize for kissing her in the first place.
Mary silently swore it would be a good long time before a boy ever kissed her again.
Her second kiss didn't happen until she was a freshman in high school, and Mitch had kissed her voluntarily of his own free will. She had kissed him back, under the bleachers at the homecoming game, and to her surprise, she discovered she liked kissing, though Mitch's kisses were wet and she needed to wipe her lips on her hands when they were done making out.
Mark's kisses were the first that set off little butterflies in her stomach and made her feel like she could fly. The fact that he was older and in a rock band and was interested in her – well, that was all part of the allure. After graduation when he had roared up on his Harley and casually suggested riding to Atlantic City and eloping, she had jumped at the chance – ignoring all the warning bells in her mind. She had wanted to escape and he was her way out.
There were so many men and kisses between Mark and Raph, Mary couldn't remember them all. In fact, most of them didn't care so much for the kissing as for the main event: sex. They just wanted to rip their clothes off, hers too, and get laid. Kissing just wasted time.
Raph had enjoyed foreplay – too much sometimes. She had been the impatient one, urging him to just get on with things because the more he took his time, the more her mind wandered to other things – like what it would be like to kiss her partner.
Then there had been her Mexican fling with Faber – that had been nothing but sex. In fact, Mary could probably count on one hand the number of times Faber had kissed her on the mouth – and she hadn't wanted him to –
But now as Marshall's mouth covered hers, she couldn't remember craving anything more- she had wanted his mouth on hers for so long, it had become a familiar ache she had come to live with over the years. One day maybe she would tell him how long she had wanted his kiss; that the night he had gotten shot during the Horst case, she had felt the bullet pierce the skin of her own heart. But for now, she would just enjoy the feel of his lips on hers.
He pulled back to look down into her face, eyes closed, lips upturned in a smile, and cheeks flushed. "Mary?" he whispered. "You all right?"
Her eyes opened to slits. "Yes, why?"
He swallowed. "Well, you haven't said anything-"
She laughed. "Kind of hard with your mouth on mine, Doofus."
"You didn't respond – kiss me back. Are you sure you're all right?"
"Shut up, Marshall." She cupped the back of his neck and pulled him back down to her lips. He lifted his hands and framed her face, nearly groaning aloud when she shifted slightly and threw a leg over his, straddling him.
Mary felt like she was flying. She didn't know how else to describe it. The first time she had kissed Mitch under the bleachers she had felt giddy, free, and indescribably like a woman for the first time. Marshall made her feel all these things and more. Every sensation was magnified, every touch was electric, and she never wanted to come up for air. She shivered and felt Marshall tremble underneath her as he applied pressure to her lips and deepened the kiss.
Suddenly Kenny was looming over her, holding her down and telling her that she'd like it.
Mary screamed into his mouth as her hand came up to slug him in the shoulder. Caught completely off guard, Marshall flew backwards onto the mattress and Mary was on top of him in an instant, slapping and hitting and cursing and spitting.
"Mary, stop it! It's me, Marshall!" he barked, finally managing to grab her by the wrists and holding her tight against him.
Her eyes focused on him as she came back from the nightmare world. "Marshall?" she whispered. "What happened?"
"You had a flashback-"
"What?" she looked down at him, noticing the red mark on his face and her hands began to shake. "Oh no, oh no, oh no, no no!" She slipped off the bed and ran for the bathroom door but he was faster. He got in front of her, blocking her escape route. "Let me go, Marshall," she growled. "Before I hurt you further."
"You didn't mean it, Mer. You were back at Kenny's being assaulted – not here with me."
Mary was shaking her head so hard he thought it might pop off. "I can't believe – you don't understand, do you? I'm broken, Marshall. I thought maybe, with you – but if you can't fix-"
Anger rose inside of him. "That's what this was? An experiment to see if you could get it on without freaking out? So everything you said about having feelings for me – that was a lie?"
She gaped at him. "No, God, no! Damn it, Marshall. I'm in love with you."
Part of him really wanted to shout to the rooftops that Mary had finally admitted her feelings, but there was so much more to be dealt with that for the moment he set his own feelings aside. "Then talk to me. Tell me what the hell just happened."
"You know what happened – we were kissing and I – freaked out."
"Yes, but why?"
Mary's mouth went dry. "Because I felt-" she swallowed. "I felt your arousal and it reminded me of-" she hung her head.
"Fuck." Marshall reached out and pulled her into him, wondering two seconds too late if she'd feel trapped, if she still needed her space. But Mary clung to him like a lifeline and he exhaled a long sigh of relief. "I'm sorry. I need you to know that I never would have taken it any further tonight. All you asked for was a kiss and that's all I planned on giving you."
"Ever?" Mary spoke the word into his shoulder.
He stiffened. "What?"
She sniffed and backed up a step to look in his eyes. "Is that all you were ever planning to do?"
The look in her eyes made the bottom drop out of his stomach. "Mary-"
"Kissing you was wonderful, Marshall – much more so than with anyone else I've ever kissed, in fact. But I'd be lying if I said that's as far as I want to go with you."
He groaned and leaned his forehead against hers. "You're trying to kill me, aren't you?"
She shook her head. "No, just being honest. You asked me not to run from this, from us, remember?"
He nodded.
"So now I'm asking you if you're sure. About us – about me."
"Mary – how can you even-"
She lifted a finger and placed it across his lips. "Let me finish, please."
He frowned but nodded.
"The woman you confessed your feelings to that day on the balcony – she doesn't exist anymore. She died with you that night in the truck and the one you see now standing before you is broken, battered and bruised, and still trying to put the pieces back together."
Marshall ran his hand down her arm and captured her hand. "Come here."
"I'm not finished-"
"Yes, you are. Come here." He dragged her into the bathroom and placed her in front of the mirror as he flipped on the overhead, bathing them both in fluorescent lighting. She flinched and then gasped at the mark on his face.
"Let me take care of-"
"In a minute. Look in the mirror, Mary. Do you know what I see?"
"Two tired, grumpy, almost over the hill US Marshals?"
He slapped her on the butt and she looked up at him in shock. "What was that for?"
"Because you're a brat – now, listen. I see a strong woman who has weathered many storms and come through them stronger than before."
Mary shook her head. "I'm not-"
"Listen! This last one nearly broke her – nearly cost her someone she loved. I say nearly, because you and I both know that even if the unthinkable had happened, she would have gone on."
"No, you're wrong."
"I'm not wrong – you would have gone on, Mer."
"How do you know? How can you be so sure?"
"One word: Norah."
Her heart lurched. Bug. He was right: somehow, someway she would have found a way to go on for her daughter even if Marshall had died that night. But he hadn't – he was here with her, holding her in his arms, standing in her bathroom in the middle of the night, reassuring her she could and would have gone on.
"Must you always be right?"
He grinned. "It's my only annoying quality."
She snorted. "We both know that's not true. You have many annoying qualities-"
He leaned down and placed a feather light kiss behind her ear. "You find the others endearing-"
She gasped. "I do not! From your never ending trivia to your knuckle cracking to your fake French accent-"
"Hey, my mother was French!"
"Yes, but you have never visited the country, Doofus!"
He chuckled and buried his face in the nape of her neck. "I love you, Sunshine."
The smile slipped from her face. "Are you sure? There's still time for you to walk away. I have more baggage than the lost and found counter at an airport and no matter what you say, I am broken."
"Hey," he turned her around to face him, dropping his hands to her shoulders. "I've been carrying your baggage for years, remember? I've gotten used to the load."
She shook her head. "Marshall-"
"And you are not broken, Mer. You are battered and bruised, but you are in recovery – and we can put the pieces back together."
She swallowed. "But what if I can never – what if we can never-"
He caressed her cheek with a finger. "Intimacy isn't just about sex. It's also about trust and the relationship between the partners. I love you, Mary – I always have. So no more running, all right? After all, I can't leave the state."
She glowered at him. "That's not funny."
"Sorry. Just trying to inject a little levity."
She bit her lip. "So, you'd really stay with me – have a committed relationship with a woman even if she couldn't – you know – be intimate?"
"If that woman is you – yes. But don't sell yourself short. It hasn't even been four months since your attack. The very fact that you want to kiss someone-"
She held up her hands. "Not someone – you." She shuddered. "The thought of any other man, a stranger, touching me right now, makes me sick."
"And I'm different?"
"You know you are – you've always made me feel safe."
"That's all?"
She slapped his arm, but there was no force behind it. "Don't go fishing for more compliments, Doofus. You've had your share tonight." She smothered a yawn. "What time is it, anyway?"
"I have no idea – but it must be pretty late. Let's get you back to bed."
She grabbed his hand. "Stay?"
"Are you sure? After what happened earlier-"
She stepped into his space, looping her arms around his neck. "All I wanted the whole time you were in your coma was for you to wake up and hold me, like you did the night of my attack, until I fell asleep. I'm not going to get any sleep unless-" she blushed and dropped her eyes.
He ran his hands up and down her arms soothingly. "Hey, I understand. I just thought you might want space. There's nowhere else I'd rather be than in your bed."
"Marshall!"
He grinned and held up his hands in a defensive gesture. "To sleep, Mary. Get your mind out of the gutter, woman."
A/N: I had to end on a bit of 'levity' after such a serious chapter - reviews are LOVE!
