Ch 4
Ben
"What is it you are most afraid of Ben?"He asked.
We were walking in the darkness again, aimlessly. I would have said something anyone would, death, but here I was a Force ghost, and there was the possibility of me coming back to life, it wasn't something I could ever be afraid of again now that I knew what awaited us.
"I... I don't know grandfather, I'm already dead, what else is there to fear?"
"Let's take a look shall we?" He said and another flash of light appeared, we stepped through it and this time we were in a luxurious bedroom. There was a young boy with dark long hair sitting on the bed. He was playing with a model x-wing, it was one of my favorites as a child. I held a sideways smile at the memory, it was simpler times. Suddenly the child became afraid, terrified, there were hints of darkness all around him.
There was screaming behind the doors that led out to the hallway.
"Han you're never around for us or for him! Your son needs you...I need you!"
"Leia what do you want me to do?! I have debts to pay, things to see still! I don't know how this Force stuff works! How would I be able to help him?!"
I remembered this day, it was the last day I ever saw my parents before being sent off to train with my uncle Luke.
The boy peered under the door where his parents stood. They were completely unaware of their son listening.
"And what am I supposed to do with him?! Every day he gets stronger, I can't control him, I can't make him stop himself! I can sense the darkness all around him"
"So send him to Luke, he'll know what to do. Do whatever you can to be safe!"
The yelling had stopped, but there was still tension between my parents as they talked in hushed tones and walked away from the door.
The boy sat on the ground completely frozen.
"I... I remember feeling alone, I felt... like I was a burden, like I was unwanted or dangerous. How could I expect anyone else to... to want me around for no reason than to have my company? If my parents didn't want that, then who?"
The scene continued, the boy lay on the floor and cried, but they weren't tears of sadness, they were tears of anger and hatred and immense loneliness.
I learned to hate my parents for what happened to me at some point, for their neglect. This memory was also the first time I remembered the voice that always provided some comfort, no matter how dark it was.
"Ben... you know... you're right. They loathe you... because you're different. I can help..."
I was curious at what the voice meant. It was cold and dark in tone but it's words seemed sweeter than honey.
I realized as I continued to watch this memory unfold that it was all a lie, Snoke hadn't done anything but hurt and belittle me and use me even more. I felt the rage inside me rise, my breathing was uneven. I felt conflicted, what was I supposed to do?
"You must let it go Ben," said my grandfather as if he had read my thoughts. "If you truly want to move on and live, truly live, you have to let go of that bitterness and pain. Or you'll never be happy with her"
I snapped back my head as he said to her, the pounding in my head returned, who was the "her" he kept talking about?
"You've seen where my turning began, you've felt my fears. And you've seen yours. Now, you'll see what anger can do" He said and we moved towards the closet of the room, there was a glow coming from the inside. We opened it and stepped through, into another memory.
