Ch 9
Rey
After the visit from Padme I had a lot to think about.
I had been visited by very few Force ghosts in my short time as a Jedi.
And her visit was the strangest of them all. It gave me a headache every time I thought about it.
I decided to meditate after her visit, but my nerves wouldn't calm down enough, so I went outside, realizing the sun had already set and it was well past dark.
I could see the three moons of the barren planet, the stars shining brighter than anything. It reminded me of Jakku. Sometimes I would sit on the roof of my AT-AT and stare up at the sky. I would hope to see a ship enter the atmosphere with my parents on it. Moz's words always came to mind when I revisited those memories. How no one was coming for me on Jakku, but there was someone who still could come back.
I never thought Kylo Ren would be the person to do so.
I sat on the cold ground, the breeze was picking up a little, sending a shiver down my spine.
I tried to reach that connection... always hoping for something and just like every time, there was nothing.
Maybe I was going insane.
I screamed in rage and started pounding the ground as hard as possible.
I just couldn't believe it. I had saved the galaxy, I brought balance to the Force. And I still lost... I lost the most precious thing in my life.
I couldn't help but think "If he'd only turned back sooner, if he'd come back to the light before... we could have lived a different life perhaps..."
But one thing I learned on Jakku was that no matter how much you hoped for one outcome, life would deal you a different set of cards.
I hate him.
I hate that I couldn't be with him. I hated how much I loved him and how much it hurt to lose him.
I suddenly thought back to a memory, the one I had almost completely forgotten about.
A few weeks after the battle at Crait, I was sitting in my new quarters of the new Resistance base. I was attempting to sketch something in my journal, it was mindless at the time, but by the time I finished it was a pair of dark eyes along the edges, a dark scar on the left side.
I was frustrated at my emotions, not because I thought they were weak, but because it was wrong. How could I come to care for someone like him?
"You seem to be in a mood" he said as I looked towards the door. That stupid connection seemed to turn on every now and then. I thought that Snoke had told us the truth and he had forged our connection, it would have been much easier to deal with that idea than the fact that we wear actually connected through the Force. I would have also been lying if I said I didn't enjoy his company more often than not.
"You know you seem to pop up at the most unexpected and unwanted times" I said as I snapped my journal shut and threw it to the side of my cot.
"Curious, I still can't see your surroundings, " he said as he stepped closer to where I sat. "But each time I feel... a stronger connection"
I looked up at him, his dark eyes bored straight into mine.
I quickly turned away, my face suddenly feeling warm. It was so easy for me to feel... awkward? I couldn't place it. I assumed is what that was, especially around him.
"I feel it too... that doesn't mean I like it Ben"
"I told you to stop calling me that" he snapped. His anger hitting like a whip.
"It's your name, it's who you are. I told you, I know everything about you, but I don't understand why you deny the light that's coming from inside you" I said as I stood up and closed the remaining gap between us. It felt like an impulse, physically I had always felt drawn to him. Not just because of the strange bond between us, but even... physically and emotionally.
I would be a fool to deny he wasn't attractive physically, there was the way his dark hair contrasted against his light skin. The way his lips were slightly pouted, yet full, and his dark eyes... how they seemed to burn through me.
"I'm not Ben Solo, he died, along with his scum of a father, Han Solo" he said, and he turned to walk away, my hand reached out to grab his arm and I felt him grow tense at my touch.
He turned back and looked at me once more.
Our eyes connected and I swear I saw the galaxy in them.
I could never figure out if he felt the same.
His "softer" feelings were always clouded by the darkness.
And yet his usually gloved hand, bare this time, reached up and touched the side of my face ever so slightly, it felt like the kiss of a feather against my skin. I closed my eyes and started to turn my head, I wanted to lean into his hand... but he pulled his hand away and walked away from me.
I didn't know until now how much that action had really hurt me.
"You know my proposal Rey... join me... or die for your cause"
"Ben... you know my answer, I won't do it. The conflict in you grows greater each day. All I pray for is that you come back into the light..."
He turned slightly to the side and I could have sworn a tear slipped from his eye.
His last words that day were "It's too late for me..." and the connection ended.
Normally, his physical contact with me was to get a strong connection to my mind, to my thoughts, or my feelings, that's what I had always assumed. Looking back, I see now that, in his own way, he was trying to show affection as best as he could. He hadn't known what it was to feel a deep connection to someone who wasn't family. And neither had I. By the time we figured that out, it was already too late.
