Ch 10

Ben

When I stepped into the next memory with my grandfather, I nearly fell to the ground in tears as the images became clear.

It was the day I killed my father. I had always looked up to him when I was a kid. I wanted to be a great pilot like he had once been during the days of the rebellion. Yet he was never there for me, him and my mother always fought, as I grew older I realized the fights were more about me and the problems I was giving them.

"You know... Han was a great man, not sure he's what I wanted for my Leia at first, but he made her happy, and he was part of what brought you back"

We had been arguing on the bridge for what felt like an eternity. It was difficult seeing him, a part of me longed to beg him for help. Another part of me knew I had to kill him to truly be a part of the darkness. With darkness came power, freedom...

"Come home. We miss you"

We

That word broke my resolve, because I knew he was talking about my mother too. But how could I go back after everything I'd done? Everything I had worked for? Everything they'd done to me?

The conflict at that moment was unbearable.

"I'm being torn apart. I don't know what to do... I just want this pain to end"

And it was true. I knew I had to kill him, but my pain... he had caused so much of it. Both of my parents had.

"I know what I have to do. I don't know if I have the strength to do it... Will you help me?"

Do it... then you will have all the power... you will never be looked down upon. You will never be weak. You'll be someone at last...

The voice in my head never stopped. I wanted to be important, I didn't want to feel weak or unwanted ever again.

The darkness always kept her promises.

"Yes, anything." He said, he looked into my eyes, but I couldn't stop myself.

The rest of it happened quickly. He reached to wrap his arms around me and I turned on my saber.

A part of me was asking my father for help. I wanted his help walking away from everything and finding my way back to him and my mother. Another part of me was reaching out for Snoke. The only person to ever value me for what I was capable of and for who I was. I was at a crossroads with no idea on what the next steps should be.

He reached out his hand towards my face and touched me.

I'm sorry. I love you and I forgive you.

Were the last thoughts I heard from him. I ignited my saber and his body was pierced by it, he fell hundreds of feet below us.

I went numb, the memory brought a feeling of disgust and hatred towards myself. The rest went by in a blur, me getting shot, running through the woods, the fight with Rey.

The entire time I felt rage. Rage because I hated what I had done.

Rage because I couldn't understand how my father, the person who I had just killed and looked into his eyes as his life slipped away could love me. The man I betrayed, had somehow found in his heart, a way to forgive me.

The memory ended but I found myself on the ground shaking with the sobs that ripped through my entire body.

"Ben..." I heard a voice say. It wasn't my grandfather's, it was a woman's. I looked towards where the voice came from to find the her. She was beautiful. She had curly brown hair, and a soft smile. Her eyes were like warm chocolate.

She reminded me of Rey.

"Let it go sweetheart" she said as she walked closer to me. She bent down and I could see she was fairly small. She moved a tendril of hair from my face and I suddenly felt like everything was fine, but the sobs couldn't stop.

"Who...who are you?" I asked as she pulled away. She looked like an angel in the white gown she was wearing, a blue velvet robe covered her.

"I'm your grandmother, Padme Amidala"

Before I saw my grandfather, there was not a lot I had ever heard of Padme, my grandmother. My mother never talked about her parents, she had been adopted by the Organa's as a baby under the pretense that she had been orphaned.

"I know this is unexpected, there's probably not a lot that you know about me, but that's alright it's not your fault, nor your parents. I'm here to help" she reached her hand out to help me get up, the notion seemed silly, seeing that she was about half of my size, there was no way she could lift me up.

Although I wasn't wrong, I was surprised. She had a very strong grip and didn't budge when I used some of her weight to help me get up.

"Walk with me, now tell me, what do you remember about Rey?" She said in a soft, yet strong, commanding voice. I could see where my mother got her politician skills now.

"I... I'm still trying to remember things, sometimes I get headaches if I think about her or a specific memory." She nodded understandingly at that. "I remember few moments... our kiss... and how happy she made me for a split second. I remember how her light felt through our bond. It was like seeing the sun for the first time" we had stopped walking at some point, she was smiling at me the whole time. I could see why my grandfather had risked everything for her, this woman was strong, passionate, beautiful. I had picked up these few things from the Force around her. She wasn't sensitive to it, but she was strong nonetheless.

"Grandmother... your eyes remind me of her, there's a fire inside of you, and a deep, deep compassion... She had the same look you did" she smiled at my comment and linked her arm around mine, continuing our walk.

"If you live long enough, you see the same eyes in different people. You know, you and your grandfather aren't so different. He was always very... troubled emotionally. But he had a pure heart, he always wanted to try and help those in need. He was a slave you see, growing up was difficult for him. I don't hate him for what he did, it took a long time for me to let that go. What helped me was that in the end, the light and goodness I saw in him and that I fell in love with had come back. He was able to see his son and love him at least one time before dying. That was more than I could have ever asked for." We had come upon another flash of light, I was hoping all these memories would be over soon. The more we went through them, the more tired I was getting.

"I want to be with her grandmother. I want to... to make her happy. I... I think I love her..." The truth was I did love her, more than anything, but I was gone. How was I supposed to get back?

"You're not ready yet Ben. And neither is she. Now come on, just a few more memories left". And with that we stepped into yet another memory.