Ch 16
Ben
I don't know how much time passed between my last memory journey and whatever day today was. Time was insignificant in this in between. The days and nights seemed to blend into one. I had gotten more time to myself now than in all the years I was alive.
I had gotten opportunities to meditate and think on everything.
One memory in particular kept popping up in my head.
It was the day Rey and I fought against Snoke's guards following his death by my hand.
I remember feeling anger and hatred towards my Master. I felt those things before but at that time the emotions were almost overpowering.
Until recently I didn't understand why I felt so upset, but soon realized it was because I was terrified of losing Rey, and him threatening her didn't sit well with me. The more our bond opened up the more I felt like she was mine and that I needed to protect her.
It had taken everything in my self-control to not end his life sooner.
I knew if I did I would be putting her in far more danger.
His death was quick, and for a minute I felt free. But the hurt I felt from her refusing to join me took an eternity to heal and was something I used to push me into the darkness once she was gone.
Every time I replayed the memory I would feel like the world would crash around me when she refused to leave everything behind.
I didn't want to turn her, I didn't even want her to become Empress alongside with me or rule the galaxy or whatever.
I just wanted her by my side, I wanted to make things better, to not have everything be one way or the other.
Why couldn't she see that?
"Son... she's flawed. She's only human, she only saw the good and the bad. Things are more complicated, and she learned that" said my mother. Since I arrived in the field I would see her almost every day.
I dearly missed my mother, she was an amazing and remarkable woman, just like her mother.
In the in between, she was back to her younger self, the way I remembered her most, at least before I became Kylo Ren...
"Stop thinking about that, you still have to let go of that. I forgave you, your father forgave you. You turned back to us. Now it's time you go back for her" she said putting her arms around me.
"Mama... what if she refuses me again? I couldn't bear to feel that again. I had never felt so alone when she wouldn't take my hand"
I looked down at my hand, my mother caressed it and gave me a kiss on the top of my head.
We had been sitting down for what felt like hours just staring at the horizon.
"She won't turn you away, reach out, feel her. You doubt yourselves and your feelings for each other too much. Your father and I had our differences, but I always knew he loved me as much as I loved him"
I did as she said and reached out. I couldn't feel anything at first but suddenly there were dark tremors. Not angry ones, these were... sad. No they were beyond sadness, it came from feeling broken and alone.
"Mama... she's... she's upset..." I went deeper in her mind, what I found shocked me.
She felt guilt and remorse, she thought her refusal could have avoided my death.
"I made my choice, she made hers... I don't hate her, I never did, even if I was hurt... I… I understood"
"Deep down you did but... at first you were angry, you retaliated and attacked us. Now I'm not holding that against you, but there were so many things out of your control. You were still under the power of the dark side, you reacted the best way you could. If she wouldn't accept you, then you would destroy the thing that kept her from you."
"She thought I wanted us to destroy everything you worked for... I never wanted that. I didn't care... I wanted to start something better..."
And she hated herself for not realizing that sooner. Had I been standing her pain would have knocked me to the ground. I would have given anything to hold her in that moment, but I knew it was impossible. Instead I reached out and reassured her.
There's nothing to forgive...
And the connection closed once again. Every time it shut me out it felt like two magnets pushing against each other.
I only hoped she received my message.
"Mama... I'm ready to go back... I need your help"
She smiled and got up, I followed her lead and she took me by the hand. We walked for a few minutes in silence and suddenly we were at what I called a thicket of trees and bushes. Until now I had never realized there was a path hidden behind one of the taller bushes.
"Follow the path to a pool of water, when you're ready, simply reach out and you'll be taken back. Whatever you do, don't stray from the path, we aren't the only ones out here..." I looked towards the path, then back at my mother, but she was gone.
I knew no matter what happened now, I wouldn't see her again for a long time.
