Trigger Warnings: heavy mentions of self harm and attempted suicide, if this triggers you please dont read
Rapunzel didn't know what to think when she found the broken beaker and glass shards covered in blood. All she knew was that she needed to find Varian.
Varian thought he was doing a good job of hiding how broken he really was. Despite everything he had gotten back he was still feeling so empty. At first he didn't notice his own depressed state, but after what happened with Zhan Tiri and Cass got pardoned and left he started feeling that oh-so familiar emptiness.
That was all he felt during his year in prison and many months left alone in Old Corona. He thought he'd fixed it when he got his dad and his friends back. But now he just felt tired all the time. All he wanted was to dissapear.
He was in his room, sitting at his desk. He was meant to be working on a project but he just didn't want to. He felt to tired despite having gotten a full night's sleep.
He absentmindedly pulled off his gloves and picked up the small knife he had sitting in a drawer. He ran his thumb over the edge before pulling up his sleeve and dragging the knife across his arm. He succeeded in opening up old scars and scars that were still healing from only yesterday.
He hissed in pain but kept going until he reached his forearm. He put the knife on his desk and pulled his sleeve down.
That's when Rapunzel walked in. She immediately noticed the bloodied knife and thin line of blood forming on his sleeve where he'd just cut.
She marched up to him and took his arm, pulling up his sleeve. She gasped when she saw the cut and all the other scars on his arm. She took his other hand and pulled up that sleeve too. That arm was just as mauled as the other.
"What are you doing to yourself?" She whispered in horror. The princess couldn't fathom someone harming themselves in such a way.
Varian pulled his arms away from her. "I don't expect you to understand." He was so close to tears.
"Varian, I only want to help." She gently ran her thumb over his scarred arms. "Why did you do this?"
"It's the only way I can feel anything anymore." This time tears pricked at his eyes. "I just want to dissapear. I feel so empty. I'm tired, and anxious, and miserable, all the time."
Rapunzel didn't say anything as she let his words echo in her mind. Why was he feeling like this?
"I just want to die."
She gasped. "No. Don't... don't say that, Varian."
He looked away. He couldn't bear to see the hurt and anguish on her face.
"I'm a burden to everyone, Rapunzel. Including myself. I hate feeling like this all the time and I just want it to stop."
"No you're not." She hugged him. "We all love you. We love you so much and I don't know what we would do if anything ever happened to you. Please. Please promise me you'll stop hurting yourself. Youre not a burden to anyone. Especially not to me."
When she pulled away he nodded. His eyes looked so broken and lifeless. They held none of that joyful light they once had. It broke her heart.
"Why don't you come downstairs with me? We'll get that cut taken care of and we can get some hot cocoa afterwards."
He nodded but his expression didn't change.
She pulled him out of his chair and out of the room. Away from the earth shattering conversation and realization, and away from the small, bloody knife.
Varian didn't talk much even after they had settled by the fire with their cocoa. Rapunzel had him leaning against her and was running her fingers soothingly over his scars.
Everytime she spoke (which was often), she never missed the opportunity to tell Varian how much she loved him.
Eventually she seg-wayed the conversation into stories of the adventures she'd had with everyone during their year away from Corona. Varian listened without ever saying a thing.
After telling many of the stories she decided to ask him a question that had been bugging her ever since she found that broken beaker in his lab.
"Varian?"
"Hmm?"
He was almost asleep.
"I went down to your lab today... and I found... I found a broken beaker. The glass had blood stains on them. What happened?"
There was no sound save for the crackling of the fire. Finally Varian shifted slightly off of Rapunzel and unbuttoned his vest a little. Then he pulled down his shirt enough for her to see a nasty looking scar right over where his heart would be. It looked like it was still healing and it was obviously the aftermath of an extremely deep cut.
"I was going to kill myself last night." He paused and horror came to Rapunzel's face. "Ruddiger stopped me."
The princess fought down the bile that threatened to come. "Why?" Was all she could say.
"I don't know." There was almost no emotion in Varian's face save for a small hint of regret and fear. Those feelings quickly came crashing down on the both of them as Varian started crying. "I was so tired of living like this that I thought it would be better if I just died."
Rapunzel hugged him tightly, cradling his head and holding him close to her. "Please... please don't ever try something like that again. I-I don't know what I would do if you died. I would be so lost and heartbroken. Please Varian. Promise? We- we'll get you help. You're going to be okay." She pulled away and kissed his forehead, tears streaming down her face. "And we'll start by getting you a therapist."
He laughed a teary laugh but it was genuine.
That's when Rapunzel realized it was the first time she'd seen him smile or heard him laugh in weeks.
"It's going to be okay. We're going to get through this."
"We?" He seemed shocked.
She nodded and tucked a lock of hair behind his ear and than gently placed her hand over the scar on his chest. "I'm not letting you go through this alone. Not again. Never again."
And for the first time in months Varian was starting to see the light at the end of his tunnel. He was starting to believe he could make it.
They would get through this. Together. That's how they always did it. That's how it always would be.
Yeah... so I kind of based this off of my own personal experience with depression and anxiety. It was through the grace of God and perseverance of my family that I got through it. I was never happy and I was always angry or sad. I know that it seems in times of darkness that things can never get better but they do. They always do. Whatever it is that you may be going through, remember that there is always someone who loves you and cares for you. Even though you might not realize it. Never stop fighting for yourself. Never stop looking for the light at the end of your tunnel.
