Sorry for the long wait. I was not happy with a portion of this chapter and the days slipped away from me, until someone reminded me that I haven't updated in months and months. So, I'm posted this chapter with a warning that my muse is sleeping right now. I will update the next chapter, but it might be awhile.
Chapter 13
It was hard to act normal around Erik after realizing she was in love with him. When he came into the room to check on her several hours later, she stuttered over her words and was a bit jumpy, afraid if she looked at him or touched him, he would somehow find out her feelings for him. It made him believe that she was still unwell and basically commanded her to stay in bed. She obeyed without complaint and was sure this only concerned Erik more, but she wasn't in the mood to argue and wanted Erik to leave so she could think.
"I'll be in the office should you have any need of me," Erik had said before leaving her in peace.
Carlynda laid there staring up into the darkness. She still couldn't wrap her mind around her revelation and she didn't know what to do about it, if anything. Should she ignore it for the sake of their friendship? She nodded to herself, liking the idea. That way no one would get hurt. That sounded like a solid plan.
What did she know of love anyway? She once thought she could love M. L'Angley and look how that turned out. Love was a mystery to her. Maybe she didn't love Erik. Maybe what she was feeling was something else. Could it be something besides love?
Meg. She needed to talk to Meg. The ballerina realized Carlynda was in love long before she, herself, knew. If there was any anyone who could help her out with this it was her. Maybe she knew if Erik could possibly return the feelings, if Carlynda could get Meg to speak realistically and not fantasize.
Carlynda got out of bed and entered the office without knocking. She saw a quick glance of something white on Erik's face and his black sleeked-back hair before he quickly turned off the lamp at his desk. She was fully aware of how fast her heart was beating in her chest at the brief sight of him. He made her so nervous now. He held a power over her that no one had in years. It was very frightening. She grasped her hands in front of her to try and hid her shaking hands.
"Carlynda!" he snapped. "I told you to stay in bed."
"I need to…want to speak to Meg. I'm fine, really. I…I just want to speak to her."
She heard the chair creak as he turned it to face her. "Little Giry is still in rehearsals and you, just minutes ago, was acting very strangely. Go back to bed and rest."
"Then, I'll wait outside her room until she's done." She slowly made her way to the light side of the office and to the door.
"You are ignoring the fact that you aren't well."
"I am. I am well. I just need to speak to Meg, woman to woman, if you don't mind." She reached the door and opened it. She turned and searched for Erik's silhouette figure, now standing by his desk. "You say you know everything that goes on in your opera house and you've proven to me several times that seems to be true, but could you please try and not overhear my conversation with Meg? Please." How embarrassing it would be if he eavesdropped on her while she was confessing her love for him. "For me?"
Silence stretched between them and she feared he wouldn't give her his word. She started to panic inside as she realized she would have to take Meg outside and doing that, right now, caused her to fear. What if L'Angley was out there waiting for her? Going to work was one thing, she now had many people working under her and she knew she wouldn't be alone. Going out with Meg seemed to be something different. She would be more vulnerable. He tried to kidnap her once already, just a few nights ago.
"You have my word," Erik finally said, causing her to breathe out in relief.
"Thank you, Erik," she said softly before leaving the office.
She didn't have to wait too much longer for Meg to finish, only fifteen or so minutes of pacing in front of her new prima ballerina chamber's door. The blonde looked surprised to see her and Carlynda couldn't blame her. They did speak right before Meg scampered off to her rehearsals.
Once they were settled in Meg's new room, sitting on the settee, Carlynda found herself lacking words to speak.
The younger woman turned in her seat to better face her. "Is everything alright, Carlynda? Did something happened since we last spoke? Was it that man you and your brother dislike? Or does it have something to do with Monsieur Geroux?"
Carlynda shrugged and opened her mouth, but the words escaped her. She closed them again and shook her head. "I am finding it rather difficult to talk about it. I was reflecting on your words earlier and I…well, I…" She sighed and leaned forward, her face in her hands and her elbows on her knees. "I don't know what to do with it. I…Should I act like everything is the same? Should I say something to him? How can I? I just…I just don't know. What if he rejects me?"
"It would help if I know what you're talking about."
"I love Erik," she blurted. She sat up and looked at Meg's surprised face. "I'm in love with Erik and I don't know what to do about it. Do I even truly love him or do I just think I do?"
"Until you are able to answer that question, I wouldn't say anything to him just yet," Meg said, finally getting over her shock.
Carlynda nodded. "Good idea, but how I do I know?"
Meg shrugged. "I believe when you know, you'll just know." She got a faraway look on her face, dreamy. "I imagine being in love is like finding your other half. You'll do anything for his or her happiness, make sacrifices you never thought you would ever make." She looked over at Carlynda. "Does he make you feel warm and safe? Love, I believe, is a safety net. It catches you when you are down."
Carlynda smiled. "That is a beautiful image, but I have a past that is soiled and he hasn't told me anything about his own past? How can he know when to catch me?"
"Love doesn't care about your past because it wants to be with you in your future. He doesn't need to know your past in order to catch you. He will because he sees you're falling. He doesn't have to know why you are, just that you are."
"You've grown very wise, Meg, and a little philosophical."
The blonde smiled. "I've thought a lot on this topic and read many novels."
"You sure have." Carlynda frowned. "But what if he doesn't feel the same for me? How do I know if he loves me?" She doubted he did. She couldn't be so lucky.
"Carlynda, when he loves you, he doesn't have to say it. You can tell by the way he treats you. How does he treat you?"
Carlynda paused in thought, mentally thinking of all those times she'd been with Erik. "Well, like an equal and, yet, the most beautiful person ever, but he's always been like that with me. That's just how he is. That tells me nothing. Isn't that the whole purpose of our arrangement, to feel cherished by someone even if it's just for a night?"
Meg shrugged again. "Then you have to wait. Waiting is a sign of true love and patience. Anyone can say I love you, but not everyone can wait and prove it's true. You wait to say anything. Figure out if you truly love him and try to see if he returns the feelings."
"You were waiting for the excuse to use some of those philosophical quotes on me, weren't you?"
Meg shrugged and gave her an innocent smile. "I have more. Lot's more if you're interested."
Carlynda shook her head. "No thank you, Meg."
But Meg continued anyway. "People build up walls…."
"Meg, that's not necessary."
But Meg continued to speak over her. "…not to keep others out, but…"
Carlynda stood up. "Goodbye, Meg." She took a step to the door.
"…to see who cares enough to break them down," the blonde finished. She giggled as Carlynda closed the door.
"How did your talk with Little Giry go?" Erik asked the moment she reentered his office. She was slightly surprise to see him there. She didn't think he left the office all day. Was he that concern for her? Did it reflect a stronger feeling for her, like love for instance? She mentally shook her head. She couldn't over-analyze everything he said or did to make it fit her deepest wish.
"It was helpful." She twisted her fingers in front of her as she steadily made her way over to the dark side of the room. After months of their arrangement, she was able to make her way to the other side without much, if any, aid. She just had to make sure she moved slowly. She was acutely aware of her heart pounding in her chest. She was able to hear it, could he?
She paused at the desk and searched the darkness for him, trying to see more of him. How much more of him did she need to see to know for sure her feelings weren't going to go away? Her desire to know him seemed to have grown now that she recognized she loved him. She wanted to know everything and help him through his sorrows.
"You've been acting strangely. Is everything well?"
She blinked and nodded. "Yes, Erik. Everything is well. Just…tired, I suppose. I think I'll go lay down again."
"That may be wise," he agreed. "You've been ill. Rest is the best cure for illnesses."
She didn't move. Now that she was aware of her own feelings, she didn't want to part from him. That scared her, but not enough to move her feet. If it was hard just going to the next room, how was she going to handle leaving him forever when he grew tired of her or found someone else to love and cherish? What they had wasn't supposed to be a forever arrangement. It really was frightening to know he had such power over her. Maybe it was best he didn't know he held that power.
"Carlynda? Are you sure you are well?"
"Y—yes. I'm just going to lie down."
"Yes, you do that." He turned away from her.
She didn't move from her spot. She could see his shadowy figure, tall, broad. Physically, all she knew about him was his basic body structure and the fact he had dark hair he often had slicked back, fashionable and very sophisticated, as well as the shape and size of his lips. No, that wasn't true. She knew a lot more about his body, like the many old scars on his back, crisscrossed and poorly healed. She was able to feel them beneath her fingers, the bumps and ridges of the scabs. There was a wound on his side which was circular in shape and rough against her fingertips, as well as one on his thigh, his right arm, and more crisscrossed lines on his chest. There were many nights where she tried to kiss those scars away, trying to ease those past pains.
"Do you need help to find the bedroom door?"
She blinked. "Pardon?" At some point, he had turned his attention back to her.
"Do you need help locating the door?"
She shook her head. "No." She finally pulled away from him and entered the bed chamber.
He joined her in bed several hours later, still too early to sleep, but she didn't care. Her heart had started beating as soon as the door opened. She stared straight ahead, keeping her back to him and just listening to his movements as he closed the window curtains tighter, to block the slowly lowering sunlight. The bed dipped and she felt her body turn slightly at the weight.
"How are you feeling?" Erik asked as he leaned over her, brushing back her lose hair.
She turned completely on her back and smiled up at his shadowy figure. "I am quite well." The time she spent laying there, helped her pull in some control and accept her love for him. A love, she feared, which forever will remain unspoken and unreciprocated. She would take whatever he was willing to give, for how ever long he was willing to give it.
"I would feel comfortable if you didn't return to work tomorrow. Rest some more."
She reached up and took the hand that was still playing with her hair. She brought the hand down to her chest and hugged it there. "I am well, Erik," she said encouragingly. She squeezed his hand. "I want to go tomorrow." She needed it, a space away from him for a few hours. Time alone to gather her thoughts some more. Figure out what she would do, if anything.
He slipped his hand out from under hers and cupped her check. She leaned into him as his thumb caress her. "I worry about you, Carlynda. You don't seem at all concern about your health."
"You needn't worry, but thank you for your concern. You are a wonderful friend, but I am truly well."
He slowly took his hand from her cheek and sat away from her, his back to her, as if something she said had offended him or hurt him. Analyzing her words, she couldn't find anything to be offensive and assumed she misread his withdrawal.
She sat up and rubbed his tense shoulders before her arms moved down to his chest in a loose hug and she leaned over to place her chin on his shoulder. "How about this?" she said into his ear. "If I don't get ill from now to when I usually leave for work, I go. If I do get ill, then I'll stay here for two days to recover. I'll follow all of your orders without question."
He reached up and grasped her hands at his chest. "If you go to work tomorrow, you are not going alone. Take someone with you. Little Giry or your brother. I don't care, just don't be alone."
She lifted her head. "Why not?" she asked, almost fearfully. He couldn't know about M. L'Angley, right?
"Don't think me a fool, Carlynda. Whoever you are running from is still here. Don't deny it. I know he is. He is here and dangerous. I don't want you going outside these walls without someone with you."
"Erik…"
"Just promise me you'll take someone with you when you go to your bakery or I will have you followed by some contacts of mine. I should do that anyway."
She leaned forward and kissed his cheek. "I promise, Erik. I'll ask Meg to walk with me. There is no need to have me followed like I'm the king's daughter." It was a good thing Erik didn't know that the man who threatened her attends the gentlemen's club right across the street from her bakery.
His hand tightened briefly before letting go. He turned his body to face her. His motion forced her to slide her arms away from him. She sat back on her heels. "I will be alright, Erik. Promise."
Erik gently lowered her back down to the bed and leaned over her. He kissed her. The kiss started tenderly, but her eager response caused him to deepen it. His hands cupped her cheeks as her arms went around him and pulled him closer. Her eyes fluttered closed, lost in the feel and taste of him. A moan of protest escaped her when he pulled away. That was the first time they kissed since she realized she loved him. It made the kiss seem sweeter, more addicting. It was as if she was putting her feelings into the kiss. How could he not know her feelings after that?
Breathing heavily from the kiss, he managed to say, "I know you are safe, when you're with me, but once you get out of my sight…"
His confession made her heart tremble with excitement. Surely that meant he felt more strongly towards her then mere friendship? No, friends were often time worried about each other as well.
She leaned up and kissed him. "Don't…don't talk now. Just…just kiss me."
He was all too willing to submit.
Much to Erik's frustration, the next morning Meg came with her as she walked to the bakery. A part of her, the part that wanted to be a coward, wished she did get ill this morning. She didn't want to risk running into L'Angley. She tried to be brave, though. She couldn't leave her employees to be by themselves for too long. It did comfort her that she had Meg with her and was glad Erik made her promise to bring someone along.
"Are you sure this is wise, Carlynda?" Meg asked as they walked together down the busy Friday morning street.
"I have no idea what you mean."
"That man you fear. What if he is at that gentlemen's club?"
The early morning crowd began to thin the closer they walked to the bakery. Not many ventured down this street, so close to the bad side of the city. The less crowds meant Meg pushing up against her and Carlynda couldn't tell who was trying to protect who. "I can't stay hidden forever. I refuse to."
"Did you tell M. Geroux about him yet?"
Carlynda didn't look in her direction, but kept her eyes firmly in front of her. She didn't answer.
Meg let out a groan. "Carlynda, you should. You can't keep this threat a secret. Not from him."
"I know, but…" She paused and turned to Meg, forcing the other girl to stop. "I tell him and he'll lock me up for protection while he takes care of it himself. I don't want blood on his hands, not for the likes of someone like Mons…" She stopped herself before she could let his name slip out. "Erik is a survivor. I don't know what he had to do to survive this far, but I would like to think murder isn't one of them and that is what it will come to if he confronts that man." She turned and continued walking. Meg hurried to catch up. "Besides, this is my problem, not his."
"That is not how relationships work."
By now they had reached the street with her bakery and their voices got quieter as if they feared M. L'Angley would hear them and the crowd thinned to nothing. Their steps quickened, trying to reach the safety of the bakery before he could come out of the gentlemen's club.
"We are not in a typical…" she trailed off as they approached the bakery. From across the street, the door to the gentlemen's club opened and Lucian came storming out. His hands clinching his cane tightly and his eyes narrowed. His whole body was tense.
"Lucian!" Carlynda called out in surprised.
Her brother looked up and his body relaxed when he saw her. He jogged across the street. "My beloved sister," he greeted with his usual easy smile.
She didn't return the sentiment. Instead, she placed her hands on her hips. "Did you just confront him? I told you not to confront him. That would make things worse! Don't tell me you got into a fight."
"It will please you to know that I didn't. But, yes, I went to confront him."
"Lucian!"
"But!" he interrupted before she could rant to him. "But he wasn't even there. He wasn't there yesterday either."
Her ire calmed instantly. "Pardon? He wasn't?"
He shook his head. "And I went with good intentions. I have to leave for a few days and I wasn't comfortable with leaving you here almost defenseless."
"I am not defenseless!"
"Have you told your lover, Claudette? I didn't think so," he said when she failed to respond.
"Ummm," Meg said, interrupting. "I need to head back to the opera house. You'll be alright?" she asked Carlynda.
She nodded distractedly. "Yes and thank you, Meg." She turned back to her brother. "Do you know where he is?" She barely noticed when her blonde friend turned around and headed back to the opera house.
Lucian shook his head. "No." He glanced back at the club and shook his head again. "I don't like not knowing."
Carlynda understood. Not knowing where he was meant he could be anywhere. At the same time, she felt relieved knowing he wasn't right across the street. She could breathe just a little easier. It gave her time to think about Erik and her feelings towards him. She touched her brother's arm to pull his attention back to her. "Where are you going? Is something wrong?"
He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. "Someone had been poking around our family estate in Brittany. I have to go to deal with it. You will tell Erik, won't you, Claudette? I don't like leaving you here without protection."
"I have protection, Lucian."
Lucian escorted her to her bakery door. "I meant protection that knows what he is up against. You need to tell him."
She glanced through the bakery window and saw Madame Amee Locke smiling pleasantly at M. Manier, the usual early morning customer, as she handed him his bag of pastries. "I will. Soon." She stared into her brother's intense eyes. "I promise." She knew she could no longer hid her secret from Erik. He was right. Her past was catching up with her. She couldn't hid or run from it. But how and when could she reveal something like this to him? Would he be angry for being kept in the dark for so long? Would he feel betrayed? "When are you leaving for Brittany?"
"I was planning on leaving as soon as I return to the manor. I'll be gone several days to several weeks, Carlynda."
"I'll be fine. Good journey, brother."
Lucian gripped his cane tightly and turned his face away from her. His lips tightened together in some attempt to hold something back. His eyes watched the customers in her bakery through the window.
Carlynda waited for him to speak his mind. When he continued to stare silently ahead, she placed her hand on his forearm. "Lucian, what is it?"
Her brother eyed her, noting the changes the years have brought her. "You promised you'll tell your lover soon, will you make another promise? Will you promise to be here when I get back?"
Carlynda frowned and she closed her eyes, her hand dropping from his arm. She never thought about what running away would do to her brother. Never thought what it would be like for him. At the time, she only thought about herself and getting away.
She opened her eyes. "I am stronger than before, Lucian. I'm a different person. I won't run away again. Not when I have people here that will be willing to help me. I'm tired of running."
His shoulders slouched and the lines on his face faded as he relaxed. "If you need to run somewhere, run home." With that last statement, he turned and walked towards his waiting carriage, swinging his cane as if he didn't have a care in the world.
Run home, but where was home? Carlynda knew her brother was talking about himself and Brittany, but the first place that came to her mind, the first person, was Erik and their little room in the back of his office. It was there that she really, truly started to heal from her trials. She felt safe and protected there. It was more Erik that helped her. That little room with Erik was her home.
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