Walking up the steps out of the hold under engineering, Shepard was half convinced she needed to wash out her fucking ears. She'd spent the past 24 hours with Jack, helping her set up her room in the lowest deck of the ship. While she thought it was a little claustrophobic, the mildly crazy biotic insisted it was cozy. With a more colorful vocabulary, of course.
After spending some time with her, Anya just found it best to accept her statements at face value. At the very least, she had a richer breadth of swear words and new ways to insult people. Maybe she could get Jack to spend some time with EDI so that the AI didn't just learn all her humor from Joker.
Overall, though, she was a little overwhelmed. Everything with Jack was anger, sharp objects, and a paint bucket of angst. It was exhausting. Anya would normally complain about her to her face, but she was pretty sure she just learned what kind of person she'd be if she went mob instead of military, and she wasn't sure she liked that.
And she had to admit, the woman was damn powerful. So, she just tried to be as understanding and civil as possible. From what the dossier said, and the few snippets in conversation, she went through hell. Made sense she'd be pissed as hell, too. For now, she'd just give Jack some space to adjust.
Granted, she might've been open to a little more "space" after bedroom setup because a few hours before Chakwas had pinged her that a certain turian was awake and setting himself up in the main battery. Despite the fact she needed a damn nap, she was headed there the second she could sneak off away from Jack.
She also had already pinged EDI on a private channel to please not interrupt them unless it was an emergency, and not to tell anyone where she was. The AI was lovely and compliant. Anya had to admit, over the last few days, she was growing on her.
Couldn't tell Joker that, though, he'd call her a traitor.
Walking up to Garrus' new door, she took a deep breath and knocked. He didn't even ask, or say anything. The metal just slid open and Garrus was there, smiling at her. "Heard you might be coming down to see me."
Anya bubbled with awkward laughter as she walked into the battery and the door closed behind her. "W-who told you that?"
"EDI. She said you wanted to see me and wanted to get permission to shut off comms to my room." He chuckled and Anya wished it was more annoying than it was endearing. "Guess you really want to talk, huh?"
With a glare tossed to the ceiling comms, Anya said, "Okay, I'm with Joker. The AI's a traitor."
"What?"
"Nevermind. I'm just happy you're up and walking around." Anya leaned her elbows against the railing by his station. "Like the new space?"
Garrus followed suit and stood right next to her, but he faced the tech instead of the door. All that really mattered was that his blue eyes were looking at her. "Do I like having a room to myself where I can calibrate guns and not hear Wrex and Williams bicker? Of course." His laughter faded and Shepard knew what he was thinking, talking about the two of them. Garrus beat her to the punch, though, saying, "Granted, I don't think I'd mind hearing them bicker again if I could."
"Me neither."
"How'd the mission go?"
"Perfectly fine, Jack almost tore the ship in half with us in it and the warden was secretly selling his prisoners for spare parts. Oh, and I had to do some Commander bonding to make both Jack and Miranda less domineering assholes. But, y'know, typical."
"For you? Definitely."
Anya felt her cheeks blush at her next thought, but she couldn't help herself. Not when it was true. She did avoid looking at him, though, instead staring at her fingernails like there was anything interesting about their short, pink nubs. "It was distinctly lacking a sniper who likes to back-talk, though. I think it threw me off my A-game."
"I'm pretty sure we can have you covered for the next mission." Garrus paused, and Anya was tired of the weird distance she was putting between them by facing the door. She turned and copied his posture.
But when he got to talking again, his shoulder slumped and his eyes wouldn't meet hers. "Sorry I had to go comatose for a couple days. Doctor's orders, because apparently I didn't follow them well enough while conscious."
"Not a bad call. You're pretty damn stubborn." Lightly, almost like he might break, she bumped his shoulder with hers. Anya didn't know it would feel so nice, doing the casual friendship stuff with him again. Taking a deep breath, she asked, "How are you holding up, after Omega?"
"I don't know." Garrus laughed, but she recognized it as the hollow, empty kind he used when shit really wasn't that funny. Before she could ask more, he sarcastically countered, "How do you like coming back from the dead and waking up a Cerberus play toy?"
"Not funny."
"I'm mostly kidding." He bumped her shoulder back, the way they used to on the old Normandy, like they were tossing little touches of support at each other with each brush. "I just want to know how you're coping. We can go back to my fun new trauma if you really want, but I need to know you're doing okay. I won't shut up about it until you tell me."
"I don't want to let your whole deal slide, but I will for now since you sound annoyingly sincere. Honestly? Being reborn in a Cerberus lab isn't the worst. They give me a lot of liberties and I get to call the shots. It's like Spectres but with a much shinier, much shadier bank account." Anya leaned harder into her elbows, bit her cheek, and looked at him. He looked so genuine and kind that she could vomit. Made her want to talk more than she was used to with the others. There he was, back at it again, making her talk about everything. "Funny thing about Cerberus, no matter how much of an asshole the Illusive Man is and how their ideals suck, it's the treatment that's the worst. I'm more like a godly legend here than I ever was in The Alliance. There, at least I was still one of the soldiers. Here, I'm a multi-million dollar resurrection project to save the universe." Anya sighed and got a little anxious at Garrus just staring at her. "Not that I wish I was still dead, but does mean I have had to accept the fact that I'm not really human anymore, not to the galaxy."
He was silent before poking her in the arm. She remembered the last time he did that; on her couch after Ash's funeral, when she didn't know if he was reaching for more. Luckily, this time, she didn't have any stupid expectations. It was just nice to be poked again. "Still seems like the same squishy human to me."
Anya laughed; laughed like she hadn't in ages. Everything about being here with him, it felt like her skin was ripping away, exposing every inch of muscle, every motion unbearably raw and painful. But she wouldn't dare thinking about being anywhere else, because she'd rather be raw with him than safe outside those. Doors. Looking up at his eyes, she said, "I missed you, Garrus."
"You think you missed me? You've missed me a couple weeks. I've missed you a couple years." Garrus chuckled and leaned in deeper to the railing, like his shoulders were getting too heavy. But his eyes didn't look like he was laughing. "You gave me a lot to agonize over. I should've known "I'll find you" was just heroic bullshit." But then, softer, more bitter, he laughed again. "But I guess you did find me, in that Omega deathtrap."
"How'd you end up there, anyway?"
"You really are going to make me do the tragic backstory thing, aren't you?" When he looked at her, he shook his head. Guess she wasn't the only one who felt like their friendship made them talk, even when they didn't really want to. "I wasn't in the best headspace after you died. Pent-up. Angry. I still am. My sister, Sol, helped me find a place to vent my frustrations and stop hearing your name." Garrus winced and flashed apologetic blue eyes at her. They were nicer than he probably realized, but Shepard felt that one in her gut. It was like a needle suddenly appeared and was threatening to pierce through. "No offense."
She looked away from him, because she knew he had every right to be upset with her. Hell, she was just happy he didn't hate her. But that didn't erase the years of pain that were all her fault and she couldn't forget that. Anya said, "I was the asshole who got myself killed, can't blame you."
But then his shoulder bumped hers, a little harder. "Not that. After all those talks with you about how being a hero hurt, I couldn't stand them turning you into a martyr. I knew Spectres would've been hell about that. I needed to find a place where you weren't a hero. Omega fit the bill."
Anya didn't know what to say. What could she say to someone who hated the galaxy she left behind because she leaned on him? Instead, she asked, "And then what?"
"What else? I ended up doing justice my way. And then I got too high on being team leader to realize it's weaknesses. We were betrayed by one of our own. I got lured away, and by the time I came back, everyone but two of my guys were dead. And those two only lasted a little over a day. I was alone, at the end. Just like when I lost you."
Again, Anya felt lost. Normally, her answer was to fix everything, but she put her own ass out of commission. Now all Garrus had were tragic memories that she couldn't change. The best she had were lame-ass condolences. "I can't bring back your team, but you have me." Even though she was starting to feel overwhelmed, Anya placed her hand on his and looked up at his face, something she cared about so much, and tried to make it clear that the universe hadn't forgotten him; she hadn't forgotten him. She wouldn't let it. "The dossier was a fluke, but I always planned on finding you. When The Illusive Man said you were missing, I couldn't think-."
Old Garrus would've pulled her into his arms and held her, but he just pulled away from her, stared down at his hands, and she could've sworn he looked guilty, maybe even angry. "I had to go underground. You were my best friend and you were dead. I had to do something."
Even though she didn't mean to, Anya felt her skin bristle. "So you turned into a merc-killer?"
He wouldn't even look at her now, just lost in the lines on his own talons. "Better a dumb hero than a useless one, buried under tape."
"You really would've been useless if you died." She wanted to reach for his hand again, but he already pulled away once. She just gave him a lame, weak bump against his shoulder again. With all the feelings washing over her, how could she have much else? Anya just tried her best to keep her composure, thinking about Omega. "You almost did, Garrus."
"On that balcony, I did die. That team got me through losing you. Without them, I was ready to take down as many goddamn mercs as possible before I went out. And then you showed up to save my ass, like you never died in the first place."
In that battery, there was definitely some tension and anger and guilt neither of them really knew how to process yet. And while they could talk in circles over things they weren't ready to face, Anya couldn't sit here, next to the turian she cared most about in the galaxy, and just make him think about the misery of it all. God knows how much she'd already done that while she was gone.
Instead, she just wanted to make him feel better.
"I'm sorry. Everything's fucked up." Anya shook her head and said what she should have said years ago, instead of always falling in his arms like he was made to hold her. It wasn't fair, not when he didn't... Well, she always pushed his boundaries and that wasn't fair, either, not when she knew she'd probably die. "I'm sorry if anything I did back then pushed you away. Or hurt you. I can't fix the fact that I died, but I should've been better, maybe left you with something more inspiring than-"
"Shepard, shut up."
"Don't. Let me try to start making up for what I did to you. I leaned on you. I made you participate in things that meant different things for each of us. I left you. I said I'd find you, but I didn't and I can't go back. Now is all I have."
When their eyes met, Garrus wasn't bitter or guilty anymore, but he still looked angry. And when he stood straight up, so much taller than her, she even felt somewhat intimidated. He looked down at her with such seriousness that it did make her shut up. "You don't need to apologize for being the hero you are." Suddenly, he was placing a hand on her arm, looking all over her shoulders, her skin, her legs, like he still couldn't believe she was there. "You're right, they're gone, and you're back and that's what we're dealing with. But if I could go back, I'd tell the most amazing woman in the galaxy that I was a scared idiot who kept pushing her away." Anya's brain was too fried to understand what he was saying, but he grabbed her hand and kept on going. "I couldn't believe what I felt. Not when you were... you and I was a lost ex-C-Sec officer clinging to you. I don't know if I feel sure or comfortable about any of it, but of course I care about you."
Scanning his face for any certainty, all Anya found was this desperate gaze that she'd never seen on him before. She just started blubbering, thinking of that morning after Noveria. Maybe he was talking about their friendship, and he thought her final words were about something platonic. She couldn't blame him, she never said anything overtly romantic, but she couldn't lie about it either. "I know that, but I meant-"
"Dammit Shepard. I know what you meant. I didn't know how to deal with it. But you died. I'm not going to push you away anymore so you can play perfect Commander. I thought you deserved Alenko or Liara back then. Closer to home, y'know? I was being an insecure asshole." If he knew what she meant... But Garrus just kept on talking before she could process, like if he stopped talking he'd lose the nerve. His hand squeezed hers. "But look at you. I never thought I'd see you again, let alone touch you or talk to you. For all the fucked up things that have happened to me, I don't know how I got so lucky."
"...Garrus..."
He took a step closer to her and Anya couldn't think over the sound of her heart beating. "I'm not smooth or romantic, and I'm not going to pretend I have a thing for humans. Just- Noveria meant something, okay? You chose me over Kaidan. You wanted me to stay the night. I'm not that fucking clueless. And I wanted it. But you were my CO and I thought we could never be anything but some drunk fantasy you got stuck on because you were lonely and hurt. I didn't want to encourage it." Another step, and he looked from their hands intertwined to her face with this screwed up look, like he was somewhere between vomiting and panicking. She understood the feeling. What also was there, though, was this softness that made her speechless. "But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't keep away from you."
"So you did know what I meant. But you said..."
"I know what I said and I was a damn liar."
With her heart drilling a jackhammer through her brain, she couldn't quite keep anything straight. Anya asked, "Are you sure?"
"You're impossible." Laughing, Garrus took a deep breath and kept going. She was thankful, because she would be stuttering and stumbling so hard by now that this conversation could've been classified as a verbal break. "Let's put it this way. All of us were devoted to you. But look at me. Everyone else moved on; I didn't. If I couldn't have you, the best I could do was be you."
"You did a pretty damn good job."
"No, I didn't. Yet even now you won't shut up about believing in me. Dammit Shepard, the fact that you believed my bullshit is absurd. I'm pretty sure everyone else knew how I felt. The least I can do is tell you now: I want to be with you." His handsome face and eyes fell, but his voice kept going and that was good. Because she could swear that voice was something she wished she could hear forever. "But we gotta be real here, I'm not the same person you said all those things to anymore. Omega and my team changed me. Losing you changed me. I don't know what that means for... us. If there even is an 'us". I'm half convinced none of the things I've just said make any sense."
Garrus might've been holding her hand, but he looked so unsure. She wished she could give him a good old Commander Shepard pep talk, but that wasn't what this was. This was something a lot more beautiful, and so very human.
So, all she had was an awkward human to give him. With a crackling cough, she said, "Call me Anya."
His eyes flicked up and met hers, confused. "What?"
"Off-duty, it's Anya. We can start there." She smiled and added, "I don't really know what to do about this either. I missed two whole years and I never knew you could- I know there's a lot I have to catch up on. But what I said before..." Anya was going to throw herself into a laser if she couldn't finish a sentence. She closed her eyes, took a breath, and then looked up at the handsome turian who made her feel like no one else. And she was fucknig terrified, but she said, "All it took is one look on Omega and you made me feel myself again. That matters. That's why you matter so much." When she laughed, it was so awkward that she wondered if someone could off her right now. Why in the hell did Garrus have any interest in her? That was far harder to wrap her head around than reciprocation.
Pulling her hand away, she ran her fingers through her hair and said, "And maybe next time we pass a bar, you can buy me a drink."
"I- I can do that."
"Good."
They stood next to each other for a minute, not really knowing what to say or do. Her entire body was an embarrassing, life-size blush and Garrus kept scratching his neck and wrists like he'd itch away how tragically embarrassed they both were.
Anya was a little upset she'd never bothered with relationships before. It would make her a lot less of an idiot at this moment, which was otherwise very important to her. Hell, maybe this is why Joker and Oksana used to tell her to go on dates and try out romance more, instead of focusing on work and dance. She hadn't felt so inept in years. Thank god they were alone, because he was the only one she could stand being so-
But then his voice cut through her thoughts. "One last confession?" Anya's head swiveled to look straight at him. His smile looked a lot more hopeful than she'd ever seen before, but it also kept wavering like he might pop a gasket. How sincere he looked made up for it and melted her heart all the way through the damn floor. "I respect Commander Shepard like hell. But those last few weeks on the Normandy? I was starting to like Anya a lot better."
Tragically, Anya felt her eyes tear up. Even without the confession shit, hearing someone she cared about say that? Damn, did that mean a lot to her. Garrus put his hand on her shoulder and rubbed it, which did not help the weird whirlpool of overwhelmed feelings. She knuckled away any stray tears as quickly as she could. "Now that I'm not being a lying asshole, I gotta admit you're pretty adorable when you try not to cry."
Anya punched his shoulder. "Vakarian, I swear I will kill you-"
"Also cute when you try to threaten my life."
"Both you and Wrex need to work on what you find endearing." She crossed her arms and tried to take slower breaths and prayed her face cooled off. She needed to stop being such an embarrassment. Garrus also needed to work on what he found endearing since he liked her like this, messy and red and almost crying.
Next to her, he cocked his head sideways. "What do you mean?"
"Before... When we dropped him off, he was proud of people wanting to kill him? And I told him he shouldn't find that charming?" Anya realized that even though the memory was fresh for her, only a few weeks ago, Garrus hadn't seen Wrex in two years. She grimaced and facepalmed. "This whole time jump thing is going to be weird for a while, isn't it?"
"Yeah, it will be. But I'll be here for you like always."
Anya had to deflect; at this point she needed to, or her best friend was about to turn her entire body into a giant tomato with no chance of turning back to its normal color. With a very uneven laugh that cycled through several pitches, she said, "Just realized, you don't even know if I still feel the same way about you. You just assumed. Bold of a so-called insecure asshole."
"How could anyone not love this face?" He paused, and poked her cheek. "And no offense, but look at your face." Before she could get mad, he continued, "In all seriousness, I didn't know until you looked at me in med-bay."
"Seriously?"
"Yeah, it was when your Commander face was finally down. Even though you only looked for a few days and I looked for a few years, I knew that smile. And I can't tell you how much I wanted to hold you again, seeing you look as relieved as I felt."
Anya wanted to curl up in the corner because her entire body was warm and awkward. She had to be upgrading from tomato to cooked lobster. "You say you're not good at romantic..."
"Give me a minute. I'll say something wonderfully unsexy."
No matter how much she totally loved being embarrassed and impressed and feel her heart beat out of her chest, she did say what she came down here to say. And, she had other things to do. Looking up at his bright blue eyes, she sighed in disappointment. She really couldn't stay down here and look at them all day, could she? "Would love to, but I have some mission reports to go over." She also needed a cold shower and a nap, too.
They stood in front of each other and just kinda stood stiff, neither really knowing what to do. Anya just nodded and started sliding her way towards the door. When she was almost out, all the fuzzy feelings in her chest couldn't help but add, "Two years, and I still found you."
"Yeah, you did, A-Anya." Garrus winced so hard that she could see his flexing muscles ripple throughout his shoulders. Yep, needed a cold shower. Scratching his head, his face looked pained when he said, "Dammit, first time using your first name and I say it like you have a gun to my head. Perfect."
Anya just kept walking very slowly through the open door. "And there it is. The awkward turian of my dreams." After she said that, her entire body caved in, turning into some sort of horrific modern art piece about social suffering. Covering her face with both hands, she rubbed her cheeks and shook her head. How were they two of the galaxy's top soldiers? The universe had terrible taste. They were pathetic. "Fuck, we both need to work on this. But for now, with that horrible, cringey statement, I should go."
Before she could reach the hallway, he stepped forward and squeezed her hand, giving a wink. Every organ in her abdomen fluttered. She was a little bitter that the man had his moments of being so damn charming. "As long as you promise to come back."
Like the horribly awkward grub of a human she was, she shook his hand, then let it go. "I will."
Turning on her heel, she walked away from the battery and hoped space lightning struck her dead before she ran into anyone. Luckily, no one paid any attention to the freshly embarrassed, cherry-colored human walking across the crew deck and into the elevator.
Anya was absolutely pathetic, definitely even more than he was, but she also couldn't help but feel her heart dance a goddamn jitterbug in her chest.
She did need a shower and a nap and to go over some mission reports, but before that she pinged the only other confidant she had. My answer changed. The reunion was good. Really good.
Joker responded a few seconds after she started prepping the water. She checked her datapad one last time to read, Great! Do I get to win the dating pool, then? I bet 50 credits on your big, obvious turian crush.
Staring at her screen, Anya snorted, but played coy. I didn't say anything about dating.
Don't make me force EDI to pull up the footage.
With an eye-roll, Anya replied, I'll send you 300 credits if you shut up.
Sounds like a deal. A pause. Extorting you about your dating life is great, I've really missed out all these years.
Fuck off, Joker.
Happy you're happy, Anya.
/
I love this chapter sososososo much. It's super long, but I always knew I wanted them to talk about their feelings instead of playing the slow burn forever. I feel like people who were as close as they were would always struggle not just letting their feelings fall out of their mouths. Instead, our conflict is them being awkward middle schoolers falling in love and trying to save the galaxy.
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