It'd been easy to forget the bodies. The screaming. Everything about her old life felt like a fever dream most days, on the ship with her colorful crew. She only faced it in those rare mid-battle flashbacks, with gunfire ringing in her ears, remembering the horror she left behind. But until now, she hadn't really been facing it at all, had she?

Here on the ground, with so many frozen eyes staring at her, begging for help, Shepard felt her breath catch in her throat. And every time she swallowed, it wouldn't go away, like it was trapped there, a reminder of all the people she saw who weren't breathing.

Behind her, Garrus and Grunt were covering her flank. Anya didn't dare look back at Garrus' face; it all felt too raw, and she knew if she saw him she might fall apart.

Guess getting a new body didn't always mean better or stronger. Because she felt very fucking weak right now. Everywhere she looked, she felt sick.

What if she hadn't gotten herself killed? Would she have been able to stop this faster?

Anya just tried to shove all the guilt pooling in her stomach to some forgettable place in her mind and instead focus on the Collectors advancing on them. Their bodies looked like twined organic matter; a humanoid figure covered in dark, tainted muscle. And their eyes... They were bright golden lights staring back into her soul.

With all that eldritch power behind them, they were dragging people away. They only turned on Shepard's party when they started shooting.

Every movement she made was muscle memory, gliding across the field of battle under cloak with fire and pistol in hand. Her head was on another plane of existence, disconnected from her limbs, watching herself take enemies down from afar.

Even when she tackled a Collector to the ground and shoved her omni-blade in its face, she could barely feel it.

Not when a frozen colonist was a few feet away, flitting their eyes all over her body, panicking.

All Anya could do was wonder what was going on in these people's head; how many of them could she even save? While she advanced through the complex, she didn't know how many behind her were still being abducted.

And to make matters worse, this Harbinger bitch kept "assuming direct control" and telling her how hopeless these people were, how she was.

While it gnawed at Anya's insecurities, it only made Commander Shepard want to punch her fist through its jaw even more. But no matter how many she took down, "Harbinger" kept coming back.

If she didn't hate them so much, it would've been impressive, the relentlessness. But it stopped being impressive when you knew they were slowing you down just to try to kidnap more innocent people. She couldn't start imagining what they were doing with them; it was inevitably horrible.

Normally, Shepard was all for exploring every crevice, getting as much knowledge, resources, allies as she could. But this needed to end and fast. If they didn't scare them off, they could lose every colonist on this planet.

Using her tactical cloak and hacking skills, Anya broke down as many doors and barriers as she could. They couldn't keep her away from saving these people.

At least, the ones left to save.

Again, Anya shoved that pain away. She could cope with it later, cry, scream, whatever. But right now these colonists didn't need the compassionate Anya. They needed a hero; they needed Commander Shepard.

When they shot and hacked and stabbed their way into the central hub, she could tell it was the perfect place for an ambush. They contacted EDI and had her ready to go, to undermine the Collectors' systems while they were fighting. If they were lucky, they could force them to retreat.

Garrus looked her way while they waited for the Collector reinforcements. "You ready for this?"

"As ready as I'll ever be."

Just then, they came. In waves and droves, Collectors and husks filled the area. Punching down another blue, glowing demon, Shepard yelled, "Did I mention I fucking hate husks?"

"Sounds about right for a squishy Infiltrator."

Anya almost got caught up on that emotionally charged word, that Garrus almost only used in private, intimate moments, but she ignored it.

Luckily, Grunt made it easy. "Grow some quads, snipers. We got a big one coming."

Like a giant crab, a floating, small shuttle-sized version of the Collectors dropped from the sky. It's limbs floated underneath it like claws and vines, ready to strike at any moment. And worse, the thing opened its terrible maw and started shooting lasers.

Reaper tech was already an uncomfortable threat, but this was another level. This wasn't persistent, hungry husks of human beings anymore or giant leviathans. These were living, organic tanks.

It made her shudder, thinking of what else The Reapers could do.

Anya had to react fast, though, and she wanted to turn its own powers against it. She remembered that earlier, one of the Collectors shooting at them had some sort of laser of his own. Garrus and her had targeted him down, they weren't idiots, but now that firepower could be just what they needed.

To her team, she yelled, "Cover me!" before she dove towards the monster.

Dodging and weaving through the metal crates, Shepard tried to keep out of its line of sight. It was a persistent bitch, always looking for her, and it was hard to go totally unnoticed. Especially when her tactical cloak only lasted so long.

Just as she reached the oblong laser weapon, her cloak fell. And like a hunting dog, the giant Collector turned on her and fired up its own laser.

Even though Anya rolled over to cover immediately, it wasn't enough. She screamed when the laser seared the edge of her ankle. Only a few seconds, and it broke down her shields and left an irreparable burn.

She'd have to have Chakwas look at that later.

With every breath staggered, stammered, and drawing like a sputtering bath, Anya had to close her eyes and ready herself before she made the big leap. His voice was on the other line, trying to sound like a teammate, but she could identify her boyfriend underneath in the pitching. "You okay, Shepard?"

"Yeah. Just catch its attention and I'll roast it."

She could almost hear Garrus' smile in his voice. "Don't have to tell me twice. You ready to charge it, Grunt?"

"Finally, some good fucking action." Then, she heard her Krogan do a battle cry and his shields collided with the beast, flying a little too low for its own safety. Anya grinned. She'd have to give that Krogan a good meal when they got back.

Giving some suppressive fire, Garrus set her up perfectly. Those two had the tank's entire attention.

Anya pivoted from behind her cover, only leaning into one knee, and prepped the Collectors' own laser on her shoulder. "Hope you like the taste of your own tech, asshole." And then she fired.

Ten seconds later, the tank was swiss cheese. And just as the giant Collector fell, the Normandy did its job and scared the main ship. It disconnected from the planet and flew off. They made the dark, horrific, mythic Collectors go on the run.

It almost made Anya laugh out loud, holding the now-fried laser weapon. She'd have to get herself one of these. Or, just get someone to fix this one.

Breathing heavy, she tried to stand on her own. Garrus and Grunt were walking towards her with these triumphant smiles and she wanted to tell them how good they did, but the second she put any weight on her right foot, she almost collapsed.

The Turian caught her, perhaps a little too comfortable with holding her close. "I got you."

"Stupid laser got my leg. Chakwas isn't going to be happy about the repair."

Grunt shrugged. "Scars are an attractive feature."

Snorting, Anya said, "Guess all Krogan are into scars, Garrus. Your dating pool just widened." When she took another breath, though, she really took in the carnage around them.

The adrenaline rush of fighting off the Collectors was wearing off quick, seeing so many bodies. Even the husks, that made her run around like an idiot mid battle, were now lying there, dead and empty. And outside of battle, it was hard to forget that those were humans, once.

As a group, they walked out of the community area to go check out the colony scanners. Before they went, they had to see what the casualty list was like.

Anya already knew it would make the victory feel a little hollow, but it didn't make it any less important.

Just as they got there, though, the doors slid open and someone else was walking out. "Finally broke through those damned doors. Can't believe Lilith locked me-" When his head looked up, he stared straight at her and Anya stopped breathing. It'd been a long time since she'd seen those soft brown eyes looking at her. He got that old look, of helpless affection, before it fell off his face like a discarded mistake.

With a frown, Kaidan Alenko crossed his arms and said, "Commander Anya Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. First human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel. Lucky me, in the presence of a legend. And a ghost." Anya was used to the stupid legend talk. But she wasn't used to it being said like she was a curse.

Breathless, she said, "Kaidan."

Kaidan was chuckling, but it sounded like it wasn't funny; it sounded like it hurt. "She really fucking did it."

"Who?"

"Liara. She-"

Anya cut him off with a wave. Right. Kaidan and Liara were once more than friends. But from the bitter look on his face, Shepard was getting the sinking feeling she was the reason that ended. "I know. She brought me back."

Snapping back, Kaidan asked, "Did you know I was there? That she tricked me into helping her?"

"No."

With a scoff, Kaidan kept standing at the top of the stairs, like he belonged there instead of by her side. If she wasn't leaning on Garrus to stand, she would've tried to hug him. The more she looked at him, though, the more she feared he would've shoved her away. "Figures. I wasn't too pleased about her handing you over to goddamn Cerberus."

"I've struggled with that, too." Unable to pull him close, her old Lieutenant and friend, to remember who they used to be, Shepard settled for saying, "It's good to see you're okay."

Kaidan peered at her, laughing. It sent a combat knife through her chest. He asked, "Is that all you have to say?"

Very gently, Anya pushed off Garrus and tried to stand on her own. She was a little wobbly, but she needed to be closer. This couldn't be Liara all over again.

When she started hobbling towards him, though, he only seemed to recoil. Anya stopped. "I don't know what to say. Ask how you are? Joke about "long time, no see"? It doesn't feel right." Scared but confused, she couldn't help but ask, "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"It's been two years, Shepard. The galaxy had a big hole in it when you left. Hell, losing you changed everything. I've worked my ass off trying to make up for the difference, but I still haven't figured out how to fill that empty damn space, for me or anyone else. But now you're just... here. Like nothing happened."

"Kaidan..."

Those brown eyes that used to look at her with this infinite softness, now glared at her like she was some great destroyer. But his stoicness was starting to crack, revealing shaking hands and a clenched jaw. "I loved you. I believed in everything about you. You didn't feel the same way, but it didn't matter because all I wanted was a place by your side." His neck swallowing his words like lodestones, he added, "Why didn't you try to contact me? Were you just going to let me hear the rumors, wonder what kind of bastard clone Cerberus had made out of you? Agonize about the fact I didn't know if I was just waiting for a damned copy to find me and break my heart all over again?"

Shepard tried to see things his way, a world where she was a spoken myth, something taunting him in his dreams and nightmares. Anya couldn't imagine how hard it might be. Unlike her old team, her old family, all that time she lost was just blank space. Sighing, she tried to be as honest as she could, though the tightness of her fists slipped out into her words, "I spent most of the past two years fucking comatose, Kaidan. I didn't have much of a choice."

"But after." Kaidan glared, this unshakable look of betrayal on his face. "After that, you went to Anderson and Udina. But never me."

"They said you were confidential. What was I supposed to do? Hunt you down? If you haven't noticed, the galaxy's a-"

His shoulders tensed, pulling his crossed arms closer to his chest. Kaidan shrugged them, but it looked more like a tightly wound yo-yo springing up and down, not a gentle roll. "The galaxy's a mess. Don't you think I know? I'm the one who's been doing your job while you shacked up in Cerberus' luxury labs." Kaidan couldn't even look at her face anymore, scanning her body like an anomaly while he said, "How can anyone know that you don't have some kind of Cerberus kill switch in you?"

"Don't."

But when he did look at her it was sharp and lacked the kindness she once knew. All she wanted was to see him smile like he did to her plants, or on that 4 AM stroll. This Kaidan was alien to her.

Was Garrus really the only one who could stand her, in the end?

Kaidan said, "I can't pretend I'm talking to the real Shepard. You may look like you, feel like you, but how do I know this is the real Anya?"

Tipped over the edge, she bit back. "Don't call me by my name when you ask a fucking question like that, Kaidan. You don't have the right. Just look at me. I'm me."

But Kaidan didn't. Instead, he looked to Garrus, this venom in his eyes, staring down at them. "How can you believe whatever this... thing is? Or work for Cerberus? We fought them together. Are you really just like Liara, blinded by the fact you want her back so bad that you'll believe anything that resembles her?" Taking a step down from the stairs, his voice sounded hollow when he added, "I can't believe the reports were right."

Garrus was quick to defend her. "This is Shepard, Kaidan. Get over yourself." Though she wasn't looking at him, she could almost hear it in his voice, him crossing his own arms. "But you said reports, meaning you already knew."

"Anderson tried to keep me out of it, but there were rumors you weren't dead and were with Cerberus. And knowing what I knew, I didn't wanna believe they actually brought you back somehow. But they did. And now you work for the enemy."

Anya tried to take a step towards him. Maybe if he could touch her, feel her fingertips, like all those times they caught each other in different fights or tried to arm wrestle, he could tell it was her. The real her.

When her right foot stepped down, though, her ankle couldn't hold the weight. Reactively, Garrus stepped up and grabbed her side. Almost as if to support her emotionally, Grunt grabbed her other side.

Where her own steps failed her, her friends gave her the boost to be a little stronger.

Firmer, Shepard said, "If I could join the Alliance, I would in a heartbeat. But people need saving yesterday and Cerberus doesn't have any tape. I just want to protect people."

"You sound so much like her. But how can you be real?"

"Because I am. I don't know how the hell they did it, but it's me, Kaidan."

"Can you really be sure of that? Or is it just what Cerberus wants you to think?" Kaidan finally got to the bottom of the steps, looking straight at her. But even on equal footing, he didn't look at her with affection or friendship. It was like he never left the top of the stairs. "I've wished every day that this could be real, that you could be back. But you work for Cerberus. That's where I draw a line, Shepard."

Frowning, Shepard was over groveling. If he wanted her to be the bad guy, then she'd stop reaching out.

With a roll of her eyes, Anya said, "Stop letting our history, your feelings, get in the way of facts, Kaidan. The Collectors are targeting humans. Cerberus is letting me stop that. That's all that needs to matter right now."

"Maybe. But maybe you're not thinking about the facts enough, either. They're terrorists. They're monsters. And you're letting them bankroll your guilt. There's doing the right thing, and there's doing the right thing the wrong way. Do you know which one you're doing anymore?"

She didn't want to admit there was a grain of truth to what he was saying there, but one grain didn't discount all the other bullshit he'd said.

Anya had committed to this team, this cause. Her old guilt wasn't going to stop her from doing that, no matter how much hurting Kaidan hurt her. "I know that I'm doing everything I can to save human colonies and stop the Reapers. Are you? Is the Alliance? The Council?"

There was a long stretch of silence between them, two soldiers staring each other down. They used to be on the same side, close comrades, even friends. They confided in one another late into the night and they kept each other sane during insane times. And when her world was falling apart, when everyone was leaving her, she trusted him to always be there.

Guess always had a shorter timeline than she thought.

Breathing out his nose, Kaidan shook his head. "You've changed, Shepard. Or maybe you're right, maybe I never knew you. But I know who I am and where my loyalties lie." Uncrossing his arms, Anya finally saw him for what he was now, after all these years: a stranger. "I've got to report back to The Citadel. They can decide what they believe about you."

She wouldn't cry or mourn for the person she lost. Instead, she kept her face still, serious, and said, "Fine. Goodbye then, Commander Alenko."

He echoed, "Goodbye, Commander Shepard... And be careful."

And he walked away from them.

While that final statement spoke to a man who still cared about her, it didn't make up for all the awful things he said before it. Waving her head around, shaking off the uncomfortable thoughts, Anya leaned harder into Garrus to speak to her omni-tool. "EDI, bring the Normandy in for pick-up."

Grunt regaled Joker with all his badass feats down on the planet and she just quietly listened, smiling or laughing when she should.

The only thing that helped her keep it together was Garrus brushing his talons against her hand every few seconds, as if to remind her that he was still here for her.

It was enough, for now.

/

AHHHH there was a lot of angst this chapter, but i liked giving a more well-rounded perspective on why Kaidan's a bitter bitch. He loved Shep, hated Cerb, had to try to fill in her shoes, and lost someone he cared about in resurrecting her? He's misplacing his anger on Shep, but I get it

Still means he's a dick about it

Next chapter will be even more angst, Anya coping with all the stuff in this chapter. EEK much angst. Guess makes sense after all the fluff lately

Anyway, much thanks to my patrons:

Danyell Jones

Amy Connolly

See y'all on Saturday!