Even more surreal than Horizon was the movie night afterward.

The briefing was grim. Sure, they did get more information on The Collectors and Horizon was the first colony to ever have survivors. But knowing the amount of people they still lost, and watching that ship disappear into the darkness with them?

It made it hard not to feel hollow.

Lucky for morale, it was movie night. Miranda's choice. To everyone's surprise, she sat them down and sprung the entirety of some fantasy saga on them. An old Earth trilogy called Lord of The Rings.

She was subtle about it, but from the way her smile settled on her face, satisfied, Anya could tell something about the film really made the liaison happy. And at the very least, in-depth fantasy totally distracted them from the Reapers, Collectors, all of it.

Even though she wanted to sidle up close to Garrus, cuddle, let her mind go numb underneath his arm, it was a bit of a public affair. Anyway, before she could even contemplate breaking all the rules, Grunt sat down next to her. Right next to her, like he expected her to use him as a pillow.

Sure, she eventually gave up about 3 hours in and leaned into his shoulder, but it was weird for the large Krogan to assume.

He wasn't Garrus, sure, but it was nice.

When the films ended many hours later, most people stumbled off to bed. Was quite the haul, 9 hours of movies after a big mission, but everyone fucking committed. Shepard wasn't sure if it was because they wanted to or because no one wanted to be the first to give up.

Like they were playing a game of exhausted chicken with one another.

The only people who stayed was the fantasy-fan cleaning up and the Salarian. Mordin cornered Miranda afterward to ask her about the mythos of the film. Like many others, Anya wanted to immediately crash into her bed, but Grunt stood in her way, blocking the door.

He asked, "Shepard?"

Part of her wanted to shove past him, but of all people, she couldn't stand being a bitch to the Krogan. Considering how sweet he'd been on the couch made it extra difficult. She tensed up to hopefully have a better shot of holding her feeble body upright a little longer. "Yeah?"

"Okeer believed feelings were for the weak, but you feel a lot, so I guess he was wrong."

Staring up in his blue eyes, she was too tired and dizzy to really identify what his facial expression was. Especially since Krogan expressions could be elusive, even if you weren't using your eyes very well. But she knew his smile anywhere.

Anya smirked. Though she was ready to fall into a sentient puddle on the ground, he made her insides feel warmer. Fuzzy, even. "Thanks, Grunt." She patted his shoulder and walked by. Luckily, he didn't stop her again.

Straight shot to the elevator and she'd be home free.

When the doors closed behind her, Anya tipped her head back into the cool metal, letting it take the heat off her aching brain. Her fingers gripped the railing, tight, but the kind of tight where if the floor fell out below her she'd fall with it.

AKA, not the kind of grip that saved anyone.

Anya knew it was cynical of her, but she felt like she had a lot in common with her grip today.

All she needed right now was to be alone, maybe melt herself in a shower, feel her skin so hot that it could even warm up her bones, chilled from Horizon's emptiness. Remind herself that no matter how hollow she felt now, she had veins and muscle underneath it all.

Opening the door, she pulled her hair out of its ponytail, wild brown strands tousled everywhere. She had to blow a few strays out of her eyes. Letting it loose without anyone looking at her felt like heaven right now, the only way she could be free of-

But just as the door shut behind her, she came far enough in her room to see there was a certain blue-marked turian lounging casually on her couch, scrolling through a datapad. With her screeched halt, her shoes skid on the metal and he finally looked up.

Normally, she'd be excited to see those bright blue eyes smile at her. Right now, though? She felt invaded.

Struggling to swallow, Anya asked, "What the hell are you doing in here?"

With a sigh, Garrus swung his legs off the couch and patted the spot next to him. Even though he started off with a smile, he was looking all serious. Anya hated that. "I'm not waiting for you to reluctantly hold out your hand and let me in." That was even worse. But, she didn't have the energy to fight him. "This time, I wanted to already be here, waiting for you."

Anya walked over to her couch and flopped next to him. Being on a couch again, though, and having him all to herself, she indulged in the one thing she'd been wanting to do all night. Falling head first, she took a pillow and put it on his lap, making him a perfect nap spot before he could say no. Just like she suspected, it felt so damn comfortable and right, hearing his breathing only inches from her ears.

"That is somehow the sweetest and most annoying thing you've ever said." Closing her eyes, she struggled a little to pull them back open. It just felt so nice. "Garrus, today was just... a lot. I don't know if I'm all that up for a big conversation."

"Cool. That doesn't mean I'm going to leave and stop being here for you. I'll just stick around to make sure you get a good night's sleep. Call it Noveria 2.0. Drink that vodka of yours and it can be the most accurate sequel it can be."

To make matters worse, the coercive turian started running his talons very lightly through her hair. She could purr with how satisfying this felt after a bad day. She couldn't admit that though; she'd never hear the end of it. Instead, she chuckled and said, "I hate you."

"You don't."

Exhaling, Anya figured she might as well talk if he wanted her to talk. She opened her eyes and looked up at him, every angle of his face softened by the way he kept looking at her. Anya asked, "Remember the night before Ilos? Where you and I stayed up until 2 AM playing card games because our nerves wouldn't shut up?"

"Yeah, and you kicked my ass at that stupid human card game. What'd you call it?"

"Rummy."

"Right. So what about it?"

She already felt uncomfortable, thinking about that night. She remembered all of it like a vivid nightmare and a dream wrapped in one. Her time with Garrus reminded her to stay sane, but that conversation with Kaidan... "Well, I never told you that before I pinged you to come to my room, Alenko came over."

Garrus' eyes widened; he knew Alenko back then, too. "Oh no."

"Oh yes. And the poor guy started talking about the fact we could die and then tried to kiss me. I was mortified. Not just because of the kiss, but because I fucking punched him. I punched him! He looked so heartbroken I wanted to vomit." Anya covered her face, writhing in embarrassment. That night, she thought all her professionalism was murdered and she'd never be taken seriously again. But thinking about what happened down on the planet, unprofessionalism didn't sound so bad.

Her face couldn't smile anymore about failed confessions of love and dumb reflexes. It wouldn't. "I can't believe I miss lovesick Alenko. The way he looked at me on Horizon..."

"He's an idiot. Cerberus hasn't changed you. He'll get over it." Garrus tilted his head at her, like pondering a great philosophical concept. It was an odd look for him, to say the least. The view from down here was a bit of a vulnerable and warped one, though. "But, and I can't believe I'm defending him, he did have a lot of strong feelings for you. And for Liara. No wonder he reacted badly, seeing you after so long and knowing Liara made it happen. Liara said she made sacrifices, and Kaidan looks like he's made some of his own."

Pouting, Anya wanted to be petulant and annoyed. She needed to be; the other option was too tragic. "You cared about me. You didn't act like a dick."

"Well, not everyone can be perfect."

Anya snorted. "Riight." But the second there was open air between them, that stupid tragedy she didn't want settled onto her chest like a relentless weight. And no matter how deeply she breathed, it only kept pushing down harder and harder until she felt like her ribcage was ready to crack. She admitted, twisting her fingers in knots, "It's not just Kaidan, though."

"I figured." Garrus twirled a loose strand of her hair. "I mean, I know the old team matters a lot to you, but not enough to make you that deadpan during the entire Lord of The Rings trilogy."

"Thanks, I sound so empathetic and loving."

Rolling his eyes, he said, "You know what I mean."

"I'd rather call you a dick. That sounds more fun." Anya kept looking at her fingernails, torn and coarse. Everytime she blinked, she just saw a new frozen face, a new husk. It was just easier to remember Kaidan's own face because those lines and eyes were ones she knew.

It was so much more painful to be haunted by faces she could barely map, turning them into these blurry, faceless members of the nameless dead that she couldn't save. Quietly, Anya said, "I forgot it looks like that."

"What?"

"Suffering. Death. I know I have the same brain, technically the same body, but it's like so much of my past feels like a movie I watched, not who I am now." While she knew better, while her head on his lap should be some sort of clue, Anya just kept staring at those slightly shaking fingertips, pulling and picking at all the things wrong with them. One tear, another, and her thumb was bleeding, but she just kept pulling, picking... "Horizon was awful, but what only made it worse was wondering if-"

Taking hold of her hands, Garrus leaned down a little closer, looking straight at her. "He's not right, Anya." He pressed his mouth to her forehead before sitting up straight. It was enough to make her look at him, soft angles and loving smile and strong shoulders. She could barely believe him when he said, "You're different, but you're still you."

He held her hands, but she could still feel her fingers, picked and pulled, removing all the pieces that shouldn't be there to reveal what was left. "Am I really? The old Shepard never got this emotional or-"

"You did. You just never believed anyone was serious about listening before." Sighing, Garrus just kept looking at her. He wouldn't stop. "I loved Tali, Wrex, all of them, just like you did. But they were all good, solid people. I think maybe finding more people just as broken as you makes you feel like you can be yourself with them. Or maybe just being out of the Alliance makes you feel that." He furrowed his brow and frowned, like he was trying so hard to say the right thing, but he wasn't sure. "I'm not saying that Cerberus is a some great social club instead of a terrorism cult, I'm just saying that you were under a lot of pressure. Sure, there's pressure here, too, but instead of being desperate to meet their expectations, you don't give a damn. You just take care of yourself and this team. It's different."

Anya let out a breath and said, "I guess you're right." Didn't make her skin feel any less unforgivably wrong, though.

"I am right. I'm the foremost expert on all things Commander Anya Shepard." That caught her off guard and she snorted. Garrus was a quick study, so he smirked and continued: "Could run the future museum if I wanted to. Add that to my list of favorite places to have a classy shoot-out."

Sitting up, Anya could see the slight romantic panic come on Garrus' face, and watch him just as quickly try to ignore it. She just smiled, feeling his breath on her cheeks. "I don't know how I tricked you into having feelings for me, but I don't know what I'd do without you."

He shrugged. "Probably the same things, just less stylishly."

"You're always on that knife's edge between awkward charmer and annoying egomaniac."

"Just doing my best. I'm not great with..." His eyes flicked to her lips, and then just as quickly away. "...this, so sarcasm and winging it is all I got."

Anya adjusted her position to be sitting next to him, looking into his eyes, but she also kept her face close. She really didn't want it anywhere else right now. "Regardless of your winging it... Thanks for being here."

"I knew you'd need me eventually, and I wanted to make sure I was here for that." Another glance towards her lips.

Smiling, Anya couldn't keep the flirty charade going. She already knew her cheeks were turning a deep pink. Remembering a couple other comforting nights where they ended up close, she said, "We've been here before."

"Yeah, except this time there shouldn't be any interruptions, like internal panic or a drunk Joker."

She snorted, albeit a little out of triumph. So, she wasn't insane on those nights. "So you did think about kissing me back then."

"Yeah, but thought it might be inappropriate to try to kiss your best friend while she's crying."

While it was the dumbest pick-up line ever, Anya was also the dumbest flirt to ever exist. So, shamelessly, she said, "I'm not crying now."

Garrus didn't need much other prompting. Pressing his mouth against hers, Anya moved even closer and put her hand on his face. Very lightly, her fingers traced the scars left on his cheek. He didn't wince, just put his hand on her waist. Maybe they were getting a hang of this.

But as she felt one of his talons tug a little at her hair, Anya couldn't help but wonder if she deserved to feel this way. And worse, if she even cared if she deserved it, because it just felt so...

Not meaning to, Anya started feeling tears come down her cheeks.

Garrus immediately disengaged, a panicked look on his face. "Oh fuck- What did I do? Are you hurt? Did I touch- I mean I didn't think I touched... Whatever I did, I didn't mean to, I swear."

"It's not you." Rubbing away the idiot tears on her face, Anya shook her head. "Everything's hard right now but here, with you? I'm happy."

She took a deep breath and tried to get a hold of herself. Sitting on her knees on her own couch, she was just a squishy human staring into the eyes of the most handsome Turian she'd ever met. Her hand stroked his scarred cheek again, this time seeing all the contours under her fingertips. All the things they'd gone through to make it this long, and they got to have this, too? "Maybe that's self-indulgent when other people are hurting and the whole purpose of my existence is to save the galaxy. I still believe in that purpose. But for the first time in a very long time, I feel good just being myself. If the galaxy was miraculously saved and I had nothing to do, I think I'd be okay, just being Anya with you."

"I like the sound of that." Wrapping an arm around her waist, Garrus pulled her closer. "How about next time we pass a space station, I take you dancing?" All it took was a second for him to get awkward and shake his head, all unsure. Anya wouldn't dare admit how endearing she found it now, that thoughtful uncertainty of his. "I- I remember how much it makes you happy, and after the past few weeks you've had, and that botched first date-"

Shutting him up to spare him some talking in circles, Anya said, "I'd love to."

"Cool, cool." He laughed before adding, "Not sure how to say this in any kind of sexy way, but can we go back to that kissing part?"

"Don't have to ask me twice, Garrus Vakarian."

And kissed him she did.

/

I enjoy getting to do a nice comfort episode after the stress of Kaidan. Dude's a mess, but at least Anya has a turian 3

Thanks as always for reading! And special sweet thanks to my patrons:

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Amy Connolly

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