If Anya said it'd been a laid back few days, she'd be a fucking liar.

Almost the second she and Garrus came back from their date, they changed out of their less practical outfits and started meeting with Zaeed to plan their assault on Vido's complex. While they survived their dumb encounter, they didn't need various Normandy crewmembers getting jumped whenever they dared to step foot on any space station the Blue Suns had a foothold in.

Which, tragically, was most of them.

And to throw another monkey wrench in her sanity, on their way they ran into a Quarian distress beacon; Tali, trapped on a planet's surface, fighting off some asshole Geth.

Of course they went down and helped her, and Anya was more than thrilled when she said she'd stay.

But that meant one more thing to keep track of, as the tension in her bones kept building.

Maybe getting all worked up about her secret boyfriend that she couldn't get alone time with was a wildly dumb mistake.

All she wanted was to blow off some steam, for fuck's sake, and did he always have to shoot her those glances like he'd love to go disappear somewhere dark and sound-proof?

The real cake-topper was that, the night before getting to Vido's hideout, Anya had been hoping to get Garrus alone, maybe have a little... chat about what they talked about. Just as she hoped to corner him, maybe ask him to "grab dinner in her quarters to look over some reports", Tali and Chakwas surprised her with some elaborate meal of her favorite foods.

Tali called it the "Shepard's not dead" party.

So, Anya had to give this pained fake smile of thanks to the sweetest quarian she ever knew. And she felt fucking dirty, being so desperately sexually frustrate while looking at Tali. Not that Tali wasn't hot, if Anya didn't see her like a little sister she could totally be into her. But since she did give said little sister vibes, Anya felt like an absolute deviant.

When she finally finished her plate, Shepard needed to cut these wonderful people loose. And fast. Several days without so much as touching Garrus was starting to drive her a little insane, especially with where they left it off.

Clearing her throat, she pushed her plate away. "Tali, Chakwas. That was delicious. And I'd love to stay longer, but before our mission tomorrow, Garrus and I have some reports to go over, so-"

As she cracked her back, stretching and standing up, a previously oblivious Grunt looked up and peered at her and Garrus, the only two leaving the table. And, much to Anya's horror, he asked, "Where are you going? Off to have sex with the turian?"

Her breath, her heart rate, they all screeched to an indefinite stop. "Pardon?"

Grunt rolled his eyes, taking another bite of food. "You. The turian. Always running off together. Intercourse, right?"

Technically, Anya answered honestly, but was unable to look Garrus in the eye next to her. "We're not having sex."

"Your scents are all over each other all the time. And you always duck out into the hallways when we hang out, are gone for half an hour, and then come back smelling all intertwined. It's gross." With the silence around him, Grunt finally scanned the room, the other wide-eyed, open-mouthed faces and blinked a couple times. "What, didn't everyone else know?"

"I-"

Finally, the person she wanted to speak up the least started rolling in his chair, cackling. Anya glared at Joker, but it wasn't enough. "Holy fuck, you just got outed by a baby Krogan for "fucking the turian"! This is the best moment of my life."

"I have not fucked the turian." Getting a pit in her stomach, she looked to Garrus, who seemed equally... overwhelmed. But seeing him, and knowing what she wanted, she was desperate for him not to get the wrong idea. Anya said, "I mean, not-"

Joker interrupted her sputtering, saying, "Shepard, please stop, it hurts to watch from here."

In the end, all she could do was stare down at her feet. She couldn't look at them, this crew she'd been lying to for weeks. Anya felt weird and exposed and uncomfortable and... Clenched fists, she accepted that she put herself in this situation. "This wasn't exactly how I wanted to tell everyone about our... relationship."

A few seats down the table, Mordin asked, surprise raising the pitch of his voice, "You mean we weren't supposed to know?"

Oh, how big could that pit in her stomach grow?

Daring to look up from the ground, she realized there were a lot less shock faces and more awkward grimaces and entranced stares going on than she expected. Every muscle in her body seized up, and if this meant what she thought this meant, she swore she would fucking vomit. With trembling lips, she asked, "What do you mean?"

Zaeed tried and failed to stifle a laugh, leaning back in his chair. "Everyone has a "Shakarian" story, love. We've all known for weeks."

"I caught you two leaving a storage closet," Jacob said, looking between his hands and her face like he was guilty of something.

Her beloved Quarian piped in and said, "I watched you flirt while grabbing breakfast this morning."

Kicking her feet up on the table, Jack scowled. "I was trying to mind my own damn business in engineering but you fucks were always talking mushy or making out. Never could sneak up and get any fucking snacks."

One hand writing notes on a datapad, Mordin didn't even bother to look up when he spoke. "I was waiting for the admission to get my free sample testing about your... relations." Anya got a funny feeling that what he was typing right now was probably even more notes and observations about their "relations".

Feeling absolutely sick to her stomach, Anya leaned forward onto the table. "Oh my god." She could feel Garrus very lightly patting her shoulder, but boy did that not help right now. And she thought she was doing her best to be sneaky...

As she was ready to vomit up her delicious dinner, Miranda placed a hand on hers and tried to give her a reassuring smile. "For the record, I wasn't that sure."

Her fellow Cerberus officer snorted. "Please, Miri. Just last week you were telling me you'd bet they'd accidentally admit it to everyone in a few days. You were right, per usual."

Anya was going to quit. She was going to move to a secluded beach very far away from here, change her name, maybe never date again.

Just as she was starting to feel less awkward about the whole romantic situation, and here she was, screaming inside.

Where everyone else seemed to be somewhat tip-toeing around her discomfort, Joker was still snacking and laughing at her, like the asshole he was. "Boy was it sweet to finally win all the bets I placed, right Tali?"

"All the bets...?" Desperate for someone to say this was all an elaborate, early April Fool's joke, she looked to Tali.

But Tali's look of disappointment, the slight embarrassment and guilt that she could see from the way her eyes drooped, turned Shepard from nauseous to wanting to curl up on the ground and die.

No beach getaway needed. She'd just end it here.

"Sorry, Shepard. I've had a bet running with Joker since the last Normandy. Unfortunately, he won."

Shaking her head, Anya asked, her voice hitched, "What were you betting on?"

"I figured you two would never get caught. Infiltrator, snipers, and all."

And the pilot was grinning wide, like he just hit the jackpot all over again. Anya wasn't sure at this point if she should murder him or at least be thankful he was enthuastic about her love life, unlike the thousand-yard stares she was getting from everyone else. Joker said, "She paid up through the extranet the second Jacob came running down the halls saying you left the main battery looking like a human bottle rocket."

Shrugging her shoulders, Anya just accepted that her credibility with this crew was dead. She was just the turian-fucking joke to them.

And she wasn't even getting the benefits of that.

This was the Normandy dating pool all over again, but worse, because her fears were actually coming true. Pushing off the table, Anya said, "I think I'm going to go kill myself now."

Behind her, Garrus put his hand back on her shoulder. "Anya-"

The Quarian took the lead, though, talking over him. "Shepard, don't feel bad. We only tease you because we love you. Or at least, very much like you." Of all the things making her feel like shit, Tali's adorable smile at least made her a little less sick to her stomach. "I'm at least happy I got to be here for the real reveal."

Honestly, after scanning Tali's face and only seeing genuine love, she started to scan the room. While it was all mixed with different levels of snark, it wasn't the kind that hated her. They were all smiling because they were loving this.

So, maybe she wanted to die, but at least that was... something. Anya sighed."I appreciate all the kind looks of support I'm getting right now, but I also just feel like a disgusting, embarrassed teenager so I think I need a shower."

Jack tipped her head back in her chair and chuckled. "I mean, you're not wrong. Some of that tonsil hockey-"

With her biotics, Miranda threw a cloth napkin at the ex-felon's face. "Shut up, Jack." When she met Anya's eyes again, they were soft. Miranda gestured to the table. "We'll clean up dinner without you."

"I'm gonna-" Garrus, now finally piping up as she walked away, just groaned and gave up. "Not make an excuse because clearly who gives a fuck anymore."

And he followed her to the elevator.

When the doors shut behind them, it was the first moment she got alone with him in days. But instead of getting steamy, she now just felt like an itchy leper. Staying squarely in the corner, she finally let out a heavy, horrified breath. "They all knew."

"Seems so."

Anya shoved her face in her hands, hoping the artificial black hole of her palms could swallow up everything she was feeling. Sure, she wasn't barred from having a romantic life. But she was supposed to keep very separate from her team.

And yet hers just chatted about it over dinner. "I have never been more embarrassed in my life."

"I know I don't do the cute blush thing like you, but trust me, if I could, I would be."

With a helpless snort, Anya pushed off the elevator wall. After all, the door was open and there was no reason to stay in the small square room, where the awkwardness seeped into her pores like an illness. When they walked through her doorway, she finally felt a bit like herself again. "I guess we don't have to try to sneak around anymore. We could just go to each other's rooms and hold hands when we want like normal couples." The words that fell out of her mouth felt wrong the second she said them.

As she started to peel off her very constricting top, Garrus cleared his throat next to her.

Anya had no excuse there. She totally spaced. But she pulled down her shirt, red cheeks and all.

Laughing at her, Garrus asked, "So, do I get to see this shower or...?"

She pointed towards her mattress. There was only so much complete awkwardness and embarrassment she could take for one day. While it eventually sounded nice, in theory, stripping in front of her boyfriend was not something she was in a good headspace for.

"You lay on the bed and cover your eyes like a good boy, mister."

Garrus saluted her and walked away. "Yes, Ma'am."

Even though she trusted him, she still waited until she saw him lounge and put his talons over his eyes. Then, she finally turned on the water and stripped away her clothes covered in embarrassment sweat.

She moaned when she got under the showerhead, half out of hot-water ecstacy, the other half being the relief of finally being in her own room, away from prying eyes. Louder than the searing shower, she said, "I'm mortified. I don't know if I can ever look them in the eyes again." Splashing her face, she sputtered with the nervous laughter she couldn't get out of herself downstairs. "Oh god, and the fact Grunt thought we were sneaking off to have sex?" While she was washing her hair out, there was an odd and precarious silence in response to her words. "Garrus?"

From behind her desk, she heard him ask, "I mean, would it be terrible if we did?"

Staring up at the water pouring down at her, she tried not to get all breathless and bothered about what he was implying. Instead, she swallowed that down and gave a simple answer. "I guess not." That, and she moved onto the conditioner. Massaging her scalp was as soothing as a shower got.

"The confidence in your voice would make any man feel real good about himself."

"No it's not-" Washing out her hair, Anya said, "Garrus, of course I've thought about it. Hell, after our dancing date, I'm pretty sure we both were-"

"Ah yes, that was good."

"I-" Anya shut off the water. No matter how long she could stand under the spray, they were having an important conversation and it could wait. She wrapped herself in her robe and walked out, towel-drying her hair best she could. Garrus was just sitting there, looking somewhere between amused, bemused, and concerned. She sighed. "I mean, of course I want to. But unfortunately we need to be a little more careful than most people."

Chuckling, he patted the spot beside him on the bed. She sat down. Despite the awkward topic, it made it half-okay, talking it over with just him now. "You read up on the rashes and uh, chafing, too?"

"Among other things."

"Sexy."

Anya stared into her hands. The other day, she was ready to fuck all the consequences and do whatever she was going to do with him in the first secluded place they could find. But now? That felt a little too un-Commander Anya Shepard-like for her tastes. When the hell did she go around, fucking in random places out of desperation?

Not even when she was a cadet did she feel like this.

Their entire relationship was like the Wild West to her. "What if we picked up those things for... Next time?"

"Or we could just die in a glorious fashion."

Snorting, Anya said, "We're both a little too tragically responsible for that." But she did sidle up next to him, as close as she could be without turning it explicitly "press up on a person" sexy. She kissed his cheek, hoping it helped make her point. "I promise it'll still be good."

"Oh with you? I know it'll be good." Garrus shrugged, his intonation flippant but those blue eyes of his just as shaky as hers felt. "That, or it'll be the most awkward, tragic interspecies mistake and we'll never be able to look each other in the face again but, you know, I think you're worth the risk."

Even though they started out laughing, and he still was the person she trusted most in the galaxy, when the giggling petered out there was still this unshakable tension between them. The kind you got when losing your virginity, not trying to talk out sex logistics with your best friend-turned-boyfriend. One deep sigh later, Anya asked, "So we're doing this? Sometime vaguely in the near future?"

He pressed his forehead against hers. "As long as you keep saying yes and meaning it."

"That's something I can do." But then she grabbed one of his hands, pulled her face away, trying to gauge his reaction to what she was about to say. "You sure I'm not pressuring you? I mean, I'm your Commander and-"

"And shut up, Anya, you're adorable. And sexy. And I'm not pressured. Nervous, sure, but not that." She kissed him. She knew it wasn't exactly sending the right, "be prepared" message, but she needed him to feel that, everything she was feeling. When she pulled away, he was smiling, and that was all she needed. "Now are you going to get dressed so we can watch more Bond and not think about the shitshow downstairs or am I going to sit on this bed talking to a distractingly almost naked woman?"

Hopping off the mattress, she said, "The former." Anya grabbed her pajamas and went behind her desk to change. While Garrus had probably seen more of her than she'd like to admit already, she wasn't quite ready for all of it. "I can't wait to show you what 007 gets up to this time."

In the meantime, Garrus moved to the couch for proper viewing pleasure. When she peeked around the corner, he even had his arm already tucked behind the cushions next to him, like he was waiting for her to snag that spot snuggled into his side.

Garrus asked, "Let me guess. More needless seduction?"

Smirking, Anya flopped into the couch next to him, where she belonged. "Always needless seduction."

/

AHHHHH as I've pegged their relationship totally awkward middle school, I had to have an actual "talk about it" segment.

Oh, and also the Patrons voted that Grunt reveal the relationship and it was SUCH a good set-up. Thanks y'all!

Anyway, thanks very much for reading and double thanks to those patrons:
Danyell Jones
Amy Connolly

See you Wednesday!