Hi…
What was I doing? I don't have to speak with him. My chest tightened with anxiety and guilt. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sleeping with Taylor to get Tadase To notice me. It's awful of me, because I don't want to be with him. I just want Tadase to feel the pain. The crushing pain of me being wild and free, and being openly intimate with a man that is not him. Although he never showed much physical interest in me. Give you; physical interest is the only thing he showed. It was faint, a glittering light. A flicker of a lighting but in the deep and vast dark of doubt. It was rare, spontaneous. More like fleeting hormones, than human admiration or even lust. I knew it wasn't love, but I thought. . . I could believe it to be. That this would be enough for me to be happy. Boy, was I wrong?
I must confess the thought alone of when he took my breath away with his spontaneous kisses still get to me. Even though I let my body go to a random man to molest, something I cherished, but a few months prior, I won't let him kiss me. In rough breaths he'll plea for one, but I don't love nor know him, so I decline. I still emotionally tied my mouth with my mind and feelings. It's strange what an individual will treasure like that.
Beep, beep. My phone vibrated within the back pocket I had stashed it, trying to forget what I did. My fingers hesitated as they glid over the buttons for the passcode. There it was, 2 mins ago.
Hey…
What you up to?
My stomach turned in disgust. Part of me was disgusted with myself. The rest of me prespired anger towards Tadase. 2 minutes ago? A week before I left he couldn't text 14 hours after, habitually. I left. . . I. . . left. I did, not him, me. I left, me, yet I was the one texting him like a dumped love-struck girl. I didn't need this, him.
Nothing, how about you?
I groaned as I responded. I hate myself. Why else do I do this. Why can't I cut myself like normal self-harming girls, like in the books? Amu, normal isn't you. No it wasn't. I'm nothing like normal girls.
I was Major HInamori, the battalion XO of 150 cadets. Second in command. Did all the work none of the recognition. My life in a nutshell. I ran the JROTC in high school. Boys didn't like me, I was loud, rough. Rumor was I was gay. I didn't date in high school so that didn't help any. On the outside I was a short, mean, metal head. I was many different things no one knew. I didn't make connections like that however. No one knew I was an otaku, I played piano, wrote and spoke poetry, loved yaoi, musicals and the cello. Not even Tadase.
My phone beeps. Great! I think sarcastically as I glance at my screen. I'm taken aback. The anger and disgust melted together into fear. Rima texted.
Why the fuck I hear you sleeping around?
And from Jackass nonetheless?
Shit. . .
