Awhile, adv
I blinked against my better judgement. What if after my eyes had reopened after that split second that it took to blink, you had already vanished?
"You're going," I said dumbly. It was supposed to be a statement, but it sounded more like a question. I didn't want it to be a question; if it was a question, you'd be inclined to answer it, and I didn't really want to know the answer. I could see you were leaving just fine.
"You know I'm going," you said.
I swallowed and refrained from stepping forward. I'd done enough already, and pleading you to stay was only going to push you away more; besides, there was broken glass scattered on the floor, acting as a boundary between the both of us, and I was without shoes. You just needed some space, I tried to remind myself; we both needed some space.
"How long are you going to be gone?"
"Awhile."
I didn't know how long awhile was – and nor did anyone who I mentioned it to – but I waited for the moment that "awhile" ran out and you returned, or you came back to collect your things and leave forever.
For "awhile", I sat on the sofa we had brought together, radio and TV off so that I could hear any sound of your return, past midnight or until I eventually fell asleep there. For "awhile", I continued to buy your favourite foods and brands, then throwing them out when they went past their expiry, and starting all over again. For "awhile", I went over the baby names we had circled so that when you returned, I could tell you that I had finally made a decision about it.
For "awhile", life was shit and filled with unreasonable hope.
