Steve woke up to the sound of James's giggling. He looked over and saw Natasha and their son cuddled up on the other side of the bed conspiring about something. It was the sweetest scene he had ever seen. She didn't look anything like an assassin. She was just a mom-the prettiest mom he'd ever seen.

"Morning, Daddy. Mommy says you can make pancakes, but you're bad at everything else. She said not to let you cook lunch." James had a slight smirk on his face that reminded Steve of Natasha's. "Come cook pancakes. I'm hungry."

"On my way, James," Steve said as the boy took off from the room. He smiled at Natasha. "So, I'm on breakfast duty."

"You did say you haven't done your share," she said, sitting up on the side of the bed. "Thought you might want to spend the morning with your son. I need to go into the office for a bit. Pepper and I need to work out the logistics of your sudden return, and she's stressed enough with the plans for the big celebration. It's still a few months away, but she's taken charge of the Blip celebration/memorial service. We have a statue of the fallen being unveiled in three months, and one of our fallen is back."

Steve frowned. "Sorry?"

"Forgiven," she said. "Believe me, regardless of everything else, I'm glad your name isn't going to be on the list. James has his dad. I have my friend." She paused and smirked. "Oh, wait, what was it you said last night? Boyfriend?"

Steve felt sheepish. He really shouldn't have just shown up like he did. "I was a little desperate. I know you need time. Bucky got in my head, I guess."

"It's okay. I've missed having you in my life," she said. "I can't give you what you want, but you can show up at my door anytime. We'll figure this out, okay?"

Steve smiled. He could live with time. Time wasn't a no. "Okay. Guess I better make pancakes."

"I'll be down in a few minutes. Show your son how it's done, Rogers."

The day with James went really well as far as Steve could see. He even managed to learn more about Alexi. Granted, it took a bit of an internet search, but he understood the so-called rivalry between the Red Guardian and himself. Alexi seemed alright. He was good with James and protective of James and Natasha.

Having Bucky around most of the day was nice, too. He hadn't gotten to spend much time with his friend since the cryogenic sleep Shuri induced. When Bucky needed to head back to S.W.O.R.D. late in the afternoon, it didn't hurt as much as Steve would have expected. His best friend found his place. Steve only hoped he could find his again. He really was a man who had never lived without war. This was going to be a challenge.

By the time Natasha got home, Steve still had no idea what to do next, but he wanted as much time with James as he could get. He loved spending time with the boy. Fatherhood wasn't so bad with a kid as cool as their son. James ran to his mom they same way he ran to him. It felt very natural. Steve found himself struggling again with all he'd missed.

Natasha must have seen the sorrow on his face, because as soon as James took off to his room, she gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek. "He looks like he had a good day, Steve. You're doing fine."

"You think so? I just missed so much. I don't want to miss anymore," Steve said, slumping down into the nearest chair. "Thanks for giving me the day with him."

Natasha sat across from him, pulled off her heels, and tucked them under her. "You're his father. You can spend time with him anytime you want. It's good for him. Probably good for you, too. Clint called earlier. He had a proposition."

Steve frowned. "I thought he was retired."

Natasha laughed. "Fully and completely. Even you wouldn't be able to get him to pick up his quiver. He suggested you spend a few weeks on the farm." She paused. Steve knew she was trying to gauge his reaction. "It's just, look, you aren't ready to make your presence known to the world. The farm is a safe place. You could get your bearings."

"But, I'd be away from James," Steve said. He could have added 'and you,' but he held the last part in.

"James is in preschool. Missing a few weeks won't hurt him, and I could go with you. I'd have to come back for a few days next week for a work thing I need to handle personally, but Pepper agrees with Clint. You need time to acclimate without the press getting wind of your presence."

Steve couldn't help but smile at the thought of going away with Natasha and James. "As long as we're together, I'm game."

Natasha bit her bottom lip. "It would probably be best if you stay at Sam's all night tonight. We haven't managed a whole night apart. The first night was on me, but I just-" She took in a deep breath. "We got lucky last night. James is small. He didn't ask any questions, but I don't want him to get used to the idea of us staying in the same place, the same bed."

"Until you're sure you want me in your bed, you mean."

Natasha raised an eyebrow. "It's not a matter of want. I think we both know I'll always want you, but, Steve, if it was real, would I have gotten over you? You need to be asking yourself that question as much as I do."

Steve stood up and walked to Natasha. He took her hand and pulled her gently from the chair and into a hug. She didn't resist. "I don't need to ask myself anything. I've got your number, Romanoff," he said, teasing her with a moniker he hadn't used since their S.H.I.E.L.D. days. "You love me. You never stopped. You really wanted to get over me, but you didn't."

She looked up into his eyes. He saw a glimmer of hope he was sure hadn't been there in their previous conversations. "How can you be so sure?"

"You still wear my clothes. You can't stay away from me anymore than I can stay away from you. You're willing to go away with me. You didn't do that with Bruce. We're real, Nat. This is right. You do your thinking. I'll wait until you figure it out." He kissed her cheek. "I'm going to Sam's. I'll stay away tonight."

"James and I will pick you up in the morning. We can drive up to the compound and take a quinjet." She put her arms around Steve's neck. "I hope you're right about me, but don't get your hopes up, okay? I really do need to think things through."


Natasha tossed and turned in her bed. Twice, she almost threw on her clothes and went to Sam's, but she knew what would happen if she showed up in Steve's bed tonight. Her resolve was waning, but she couldn't let it. Wanting him wasn't the same as loving him, was it? She felt like she used to feel when they were working together. Unworthy. God, she hadn't felt unworthy since she came back to life, yet it was the only word that worked.

She was in another man's arms just days ago. The why didn't matter. She hadn't trust Steve's love for her. If she had, she would have spent the last five years trying to figure out what the hell happened instead of believing he left her for Peggy. She didn't deserve him now.

If only he were someone else, anyone else, but this was Steve. He was everything good and noble she wanted to be, everything she wanted their son to become, everything she thought she had become with her sacrifice, and she blew it when she gave in to her desire for another man.

It was ridiculous to feel this way. Natasha knew that much. Steve wasn't angry. She just thought he should be angry. She hated herself. She hated Hank Pym for being brilliant enough to create the particles but not brilliant enough to make them indestructible. She hated the infinity stones for needing to be returned. So close to having everything she ever wanted, and it was gone. How could she let herself fall back into Steve's arms and enjoy his love when she didn't hold on to her own feelings for him?

It was almost three when Natasha went downstairs to make a cup of tea. Her shoes and coat mocked her from their location by the door. It would be so easy to just go to him. She had just started steeping her tea when Alexi walked down the stairs. She held up a cup. "Need something to help you sleep?"

"Less tossing and turning and moving around the house from my sister would be helpful," he grumbled. "Why did you bother sending him away again? Have you learned nothing?"

Natasha rolled her eyes. "I'm picking him up in a few hours. He'll be with James right after breakfast."

"Yet, James isn't the one who can't sleep."

"It's been a busy few days. James is out cold."

"I'm glad you are going to the farm. I could use a few days of peace and quiet myself, but it isn't James I'm worried about. You got rid of the lawyer. Good for you, but you are still holding back. What's going on in your head, Natasha?"

Natasha sat back and looked at the ceiling. "He deserves someone who loves him the way he loved Peggy. I cost him that. I cost him too much. Alexi, three nights ago I was in Matt's bed. Now, I can't seem to sleep unless Steve is on the other pillow. This whole thing is messed up. You want to know what's going on in my head? What's really going on? Well, join the club. I want Steve. I want him so bad I can't stand it, but I obviously didn't love him enough or maybe I didn't love him at all. I shouldn't get what I want."

"So, what is you plan? Deny yourself because you think you deserve to lose? Doesn't that mean you are denying him what he wants, too? Does he know? Did you give him any say?"

"I told him I needed time. Hopefully, he'll figure out he deserves more, or maybe I'll get lucky. He'll wear down my defenses and make me forget I'm not enough for him, and I'll just jump him." She shook her head, trying to clear the sudden image of herself jumping into his arms from her mind. That's what got them into this mess in the first place. She seduced him on that spaceship. "I'm really messed up, aren't I?"

Alexi pulled a cup out of the cupboard and sighed. "At least, you know it. What's it going to take to get you to take a chance and go after your man?"

Natasha took a sip out of her cup. "I have no idea. For Steve and James's sake, let's hope I resist."

He let out a huff. "For everyone's sake, let's hope you don't."

Natasha figured Steve would want to fly, so she strapped James into his seat and took the co-pilot's chair. If she was lucky, James would talk to Steve the whole trip, and she could get in a little nap. It was a short flight with the quinjet, but the lack of sleep for the past few nights was wearing on her. Even a little nap had to be better than nothing.

Natasha watched as Steve went through the check list, explaining every knob and switch to James as he worked. For Steve, it hadn't been long since he'd piloted. She couldn't say the same. Nowadays, she usually flew commercial. This would be a nice treat for her son.

If Steve noticed she was quieter than usual, he didn't say anything. He was probably tired, too. Honestly, this had to be so much harder for him than it was for her. She never managed to get the nap. It was too soothing listening to Steve and James talk. She wondered if this would have been their normal if things had gone differently.

Would Steve have retired? Would she? Maybe James's normal childhood wouldn't have been quite so ordinary. She really had no idea what kind of choices she would have made if the rug hadn't been pulled out from under her, but giving James an average American childhood was something she was proud of, something she felt he deserved.

"Need a soda, Nat?" Steve asked, pulling her out of her thoughts.

"Huh?"

Steve pointed to the cooler. "James is thirsty. I was going to get him a drink. Want one?"

"No. I'm good."

Steve nodded. "You look tired. Sleep okay?"

There really wasn't a reason to lie, but the way he asked made Natasha feel defensive. He was fishing to see if she had trouble sleeping because he wasn't beside her. She didn't want him to know that she did. "Like a baby," she said, and it was true. James was a very colicky baby who rarely slept more than a few hours at a time until he was pushing a year old. She had slept exactly like a colicky baby James.

Clint greeted them as they got out of the quinjet. James ran and jumped in his uncle's arms before Natasha and Steve could even grab their luggage. Natasha hugged her best friend as soon as James took off to find Maddie, but Steve stood back a bit.

Natasha understood his nerves. She knew Clint was nervous, too. Years of thinking the worst of Steve had Clint feeling guilty. When she let go of Clint, she motioned for Steve to join them. "In our line of work, things go wrong. You guys can talk about it like mature adults or just hug it out and move on."

Clint tentatively put out a hand. "I've never really wanted to be an adult, but I sure don't want to lose a friend over a misunderstanding."

Steve nodded and shook Clint's hand. "I get it. Your friend was in pain. I'm pretty sure I'd have felt the same way."

"Good to have you back, Cap. Let's get you guys settled." Clint grabbed one of the bags and started walking towards the loft stairs. "Finished the loft apartment."

"Already," Natasha said, "Cooper won't be finished with college until May. You're getting faster." She glanced back at Steve. "Cooper is studying agriculture. He's coming back to help Clint make the farm more productive. Lila is in college, too, but she's studying fashion."

"It's hard to believe they're grown," Steve said, "but I guess they should have been anyway. If it weren't for the snap, even Nathaniel would be an adult. It's crazy to think about how that one event changed everything."

"Crazy is Clint finishing a project on time. How'd you manage?" Natasha asked.

"Not having to take time off to recover from battle wounds does wonders for time management. Figured you and Steve can take the loft. James will want to bunk with Maddie."

"Steve can have the apartment. I'll just take my room in case James needs me."

Clint made a face. "You're room's my latest project, Tasha. I figured I had time. You and James don't usually come up between Christmas and Easter. It was supposed to be a surprise." Clint paused and smiled at Steve. "Until we got a bigger one. Laura and I sort of thought you and Steve might appreciate the privacy."

Natasha looked back at Steve. He was behind her on the stairs. He didn't look the least bit concerned with the sleeping arrangements, and they had shared a bed more times than she could count. This just seemed much more dangerous. Nobody in the next room and so many things unresolved between them would make this tricky, but she didn't see another option. "Guess we're roommates," she said, trying to make it sound like it wasn't a big deal.

Steve just smiled. "I think we'll manage."