The next morning, Melisandria woke up feeling worse than before. She changed out of her clothes and drew a hot bath, letting her body slip into the near boiling water. The hot water felt wonderful on her aching body, the steam rising from the water relaxed her. Orana knocked on the door and came in.
"Mistress, would like me to bring you anything?"
"Could you bring some elfroot in here?" Melisandria asked. "Crush it up in a mortar bowl, or get some elfroot powder. I can mix it up in the water and it'll help me relax."
Orana nodded and went to the kitchen and found a jar of powdered elfroot, grabbed it and brought it up to Melisandria's room.
"Thank you, Orana." Melisandria said.
"How much would you like in the water, Mistress?" Orana asked, opening the jar.
"There should be a spoon inside the jar. If you wouldn't mind, three spoonfuls should do." Melisandria said.
Orana nodded and did as she was instructed. "Anything else?"
"No, thank you. Just let me know if anyone asks for me?" Melisandria said.
"Of course, Mistress." Orana said with a smile. "I am sorry about your mama, Mistress." she added, her smile fading. "I will miss her."
Melisandria managed a sad smile. "I will, too. Thank you, Orana."
Orana nodded and left Melisandria to herself. Melisandria mixed the elfroot with her fingers, letting the healing properties of the herb soak into her skin and the fragrant aroma fill her nostrils as she breathed in deeply. She slid her whole body into the water, ducking her head underneath the surface to allow the most absorption of elfroot into her skin.
She stayed underneath the water for as long as she could and then resurfaced and sat in the tub until it started to get cold, then continued to sit there. She didn't mind the cold, in fact it felt just as good as the hot water against her skin. She felt the sting of salty tears as they left invisible stains of sorrow, pain, loss, and heart break on her face. Melisandria used a fire spell to heat the water back up and she heated it until it steamed and steamed, evaporating the water completely within the tub. She sat there for a bit longer, just in the empty tub until her buttocks hurt, then she climbed out of the tub. She felt her wound reopen as she stood and winced, trying to heal it shut again with a healing spell. It healed shut so she dressed in a black tunic with silver stitching and gray leggings. She pulled a pair of black boots and brushed out her hair. She touched the wolf head amulet at her chest plate and sighed. She needed to be somewhere alone, somewhere that no one would bother her, so she grabbed her staff and Carver's dagger and headed downstairs to the front door. Hammer wanted to come along, so Melisandria let him.
They walked through the streets of Hightown, passing by Fenris' mansion. Fenris had been standing by the window that looked over the streets as Melisandria walked by. He looked out the window and watched as she stopped to say hello to Liam and his friends. Fenris saw her smile, but he saw her pain and sadness. When the children ran off, Fenris watched as she stood and wrapped her arms around herself. He could see her tears beginning to slip from her eyes as she turned and hurried away.
Melisandria made her way through the streets and out into the Free Marches. She went to the moon flower grove and she found a secluded spot, up on a small cliff. She pulled her knees into her chest and wrapped her arms tightly around herself. She tried to contain her tears, but she couldn't and she let them flow like river waters. Hammer, below her, kept watch as he let his companion cry. He stood alert as she cried her sorrow and pain out. Melisandria couldn't take any more of the pain: the pain of losing Bethany, the pain of losing Carver, the pain of loving Fenris with all of her heart and being rejected by the one person she gave everything to, and the pain of losing her mother. All of the pain and suffering she had to go through since the Blight came pouring out of her all at once. Her heart ached, her mind reeled; everything just came crashing down around her. Her whole world was being turned upside down and spun in all directions. She had no one left in the world who understood her, no one in the world who knew her and how to help her. No one, not one person…
It was a quiet day in the clinic, so Anders had decided to go into the Free Marches to gather some healing herbs. He wandered through the marches, gathering up what he could find, only stopping when he noticed Hammer standing guard nearby.
"Hammer, what are you doing here?" he asked, coming up to the mabari.
Hammer looked up at the mage, then towards the cliff above them where Melisandria was sitting, whining a little.
"Hawke is up there?" Anders asked.
The mabari seemed to nod and let Anders go up and continued to stand guard.
As he reached the top of the cliff where his friend sat, her face buried in her arms as they encircled her knees, he reached out a gentle hand to her. "Hawke?"
"What have I told you, Anders? Don't call me Hawke, it's too formal."
Anders smiled in relief, but it quickly faded when he saw her face. Her eyes were red from crying and her cheeks were flushed. She looked like she had let everything out of her, everything she kept bottled up to be strong for everyone else. "Are you alright?"
She nodded. "I needed to get away for a while, just to be alone. I couldn't take it anymore and it just poured out of me."
He sat down next to her and put an arm around her. "I'm sorry about everything. You've been through so much and I am so sorry I cannot help you more."
"Anders, you've always been there for me, always listened to me, always helped me without question. You've done more than enough for me." Melisandria said, settling in against Ander's chest. "Thank you…"
"For what?"
"For being here. For taking care of me."
Anders smiled and hugged her tightly. "Are you going to be alright?"
"In time, yes." Melisandria said. "I've lost everything and everyone that I ever loved. I have no one left now that Mother is gone."
"That's not true." Anders said. "You have Varric, Isabella, Hammer, Bodahn Fedic and his boy, Orana, your uncle Gamlen, Aveline. You even have that broody elf, Fenris."
Melisandria looked up at him and smiled. "I guess that means I have you, too, then?"
Anders kissed her forehead. "Always. Melisandria, no matter what happens, I will always be here for you."
Melisandria looked up at him, searching his eyes. Anders had always been there for her, no matter what. He was always helpful, saved her life a few times, and was always appreciative and grateful when she helped him. He was a mage, just like her, one who faced the same persecution as she did, and had been through just as much as she had. He had seen the Blight, full on, while she had to lose her entire family to the evils of the world. He knew what she was going through better than anyone else they knew.
As Melisandria searched his eyes, Anders searched hers and the exact same thoughts crossed his mind. She was beautiful and the more time he spent with her, fought with her, healed with her the more he fell in love with her. He knew that her heart belonged to Fenris, but he knew that the elf had broken her heart and left her.
"What would I ever do without you, Anders?" Melisandria said with a soft smile.
"Well, you wouldn't have anyone to talk to now would you?"
Melisandria giggled at that and rested her head against his shoulder. "You're the best, Anders. You're always there no matter what. You always seem to know what to say."
Anders rubbed her shoulder and sighed.
"Can we stay like this, for a little bit longer?" Melisandria asked.
Anders nodded, a soft smile on his lips. "Of course."
And so they sat there, Anders holding Melisandria, for a few hours. The sun was starting to set and Anders sat up with Melisandria.
"We should get you home." He said, helping her up.
Melisandria was tired, but she took Anders' hand and held onto it tightly. He helped her down the cliff side, but she winced and put her other hand to her side.
"Damn…" she said, looking at the blood on her hand.
Anders saw the blood and sat her down on a boulder. "Mel, you should have told me you reopened it. When did this happen?"
"After Mother died… I tried to ignore it, but it keeps reopening no matter how many times that I healed it. Could you take a look at it? I feel that with all that's happened, my magik isn't working properly."
Anders nodded and looked at her wound. He couldn't understand how she could have reopened a wound healed with magik. Shaking his head, he healed the wound close and helped her to stand before he led her back into town. Hammer followed closely behind, sticking as close to Melisandria as he could. As they walked, Melisandria slid her hand into Anders' and held on firmly. Anders smiled at her and squeezed her hand gently, trying to comfort her. They walked together, hand in hand, back to the Amell estate.
"Anders, would you like to come in? There's something I want to show you." Melisandria asked.
Anders nodded and followed her inside. Hammer trotted in behind them and went over to the fireplace. Melisandria led Anders into the cellar and to the door that led into Darktown.
"Here." Melisandria said, handing him the key to the cellar door. "This door leads into Darktown, just outside of your clinic. Carver and I found it when we first came to Kirkwall, when Mother told us about it. She had asked us to find some documents her parents left in the estate when they died. Occasionally, this is how I get to Darktown to come and see you."
"I can't take this, Mel." Anders said, trying to hand it back.
"Please, I want you to take it." She insisted, closing his hand around it. "I want you to be able to come and go as you please, and if they come for you in Darktown, you need this key to come here. I want you to have a place to escape to if they come for you. I want you to be safe and this is the only thing that I can think of to keep you safe."
Anders looked at her, taking in her beauty as the candle lights danced off her skin. "Mel, I…"
Melisandria shook her head. "Anders, please. I can't lose anyone else. Bethany, Carver, Fenris, and now Mother… Please, Anders, take it. As long as you still have this key, you are always safe here."
Anders saw the urgency in her eyes, as she pleaded silently with him. He nodded. "Very well."
"Thank you." She said, relieved. She looked up at him, smiling. "This means you can come visit me whenever you want, too."
Anders smiled, cupping her chin in his fingers. "I may just have to, now."
Melisandria's smile grew bigger. She kissed his cheek and looked at him. "You better. I miss our talks. Now, would you like to stay for dinner?"
Anders thought a moment, then shook his head. "I wish I could, but I should get back to the clinic." He saw her face fall, immediately regretting it. "I'll come see you for breakfast, how about that?"
Melisandria perked back up a little and nodded. "See you in the morning, then?"
Anders smiled. "In the morning."
Melisandria watched as he left the cellar and climbed down the ladder into Darktown. She turned back to the cellar and went back to her room. She sat in her armchair by the fireplace and picked up a book. As she started to read it, Orana brought up a tray of food for her.
"Mistress, are you hungry?" she asked, standing there with the tray in her hands.
"Oh, thank you, Orana. You can just set it on the table here." Melisandria said, motioning to the side table next to her.
Orana looked at the book her mistress was reading. She hadn't learned to read, never having needed it as a slave. "What do you have there, Mistress?"
Melisandria looked at the book. "It's about Shartan. He was the elf slave who rose up against the ruling powers of Kirkwall and his uprising freeing the city. I was going to give it to Fenris- I thought he might like it- but I don't think it would be appropriate now."
"Why is that?"
"Well, Fenris and I aren't together. We don't talk anymore."
"You should take it to him anyway. I think he would enjoy it nonetheless."
Melisandria smiled sadly, knowing that she was right. "I'll take it to him tomorrow."
Orana smiled and bid her a goodnight. Melisandria went back to reading her book. Maybe Orana was right, she thought to herself. As she enjoyed the dinner Orana had brought her, Melisandria began to think about Fenris, something of which she hadn't done for weeks.
Memories of him came flooding back and she felt tears in her eyes. She still loved Fenris with all her heart and knew she might never move on or find anyone to make her as happy as Fenris did, but she still needed him in her life. She thought more and more on it and while she would always love Fenris, she knew she may never get him back. She knew that she would eventually have to move on. Perhaps spending some time with him would help her work through whatever she needed to work through in regards to the man she loved. Noticing how late it had gotten, Melisandria set her dishes to the side and placed the book next to her as she laid down on the bed. She looked up at the canopy of her bed and stared at the deep red fabric. She stared for so long that she watched the last embers of the fire die out. Rolling onto her side, Melisandria closed her eyes and tried to sleep.
A knock sounded on the door and Fenris looked up as Melisandria stepped into the study.
"Fenris?"
"Hawke, what is it?"
"Fenris…"
Fenris realized he had reverted back to old ways. "Forgive me. It has been some time since we last spoke."
"It's alright." Melisandria replied. She pulled the book out from her pack and handed it to Fenris. "This is for you. It's a book on a subject you are familiar with. The book is about Shartan, the elf who helped Andraste free the slaves. You know about him, right?"
Fenris nodded. "A little. It's just that slaves are not permitted to read. I never learned."
"It's not too late to learn, Fenris. I can teach you, if you wish."
"Isn't it? Sometimes I wonder." Fenris said, then saw Melisandria's face fall. He had already put her through so much, but he could see that even through everything she had suffered through in the weeks passed, she was still trying to include him in her life. "I don't mean to seem ungrateful, Mel. I do appreciate the thought."
Melisandria looked up at him and smiled a little.
"I have always wanted to learn more of Shartan." Fenris added, his mood lightening at the sight of her smile. "Perhaps this is my chance."
"I can teach you whenever you want. If you want me to." Melisandria offered. "You don't have to if you don't wish to, but I have read this book many, many times and I thought perhaps you might like to have it."
Fenris looked from her to the leather bound book. Melisandria had come all the way to his home, just to bring him the Book of Shartan herself when she could have sent Orana or Bodahn to bring it to him. She came to see him, to give him something special to her, to offer him a chance to learn how to read and to spend time with him. As he realized how much pain she must be in to even be in the room with him, Fenris looked back up at her and searched her eyes. She looked at him for a moment, then towards the fire. He wondered if she was alright, if she had forgiven him, if she even cared for him still.
The light of the fire in the hearth danced across the mage's face, illuminating her fair skin, elfroot green eyes, and raven black hair. Fenris never really noticed how it looked being so much shorter than before, but as it fell in short waves around her face, framing her cheeks and jawline, he realized how much he liked it. She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and looked up at him.
"I will accept you help." Fenris said, simply longing to be near her again. "Will you teach me how to read, Mel?"
Melisandria smiled at him, tiredly. "Of course, Fenris."
"When would you like to start?"
"I do not have plans today." She replied. "If you are not busy, we could start now. Else, we can wait until tomorrow."
"I was not planning on going anywhere, so we may start now."
Melisandria smiled and sat on the couch and patted the spot next to her. "Come and sit."
Fenris sat down next to her and opened up to the first page of the book.
"Alright, we shall start out small." Melisandria said, then she began to teach Fenris how to recognize each written word and sound them out, one at a time.
It had been a few months since Melisandria had come to teach Fenris to read. She came by every day when she had time, in between jobs, and sat there with him, working through each word, each phrase, each paragraph and section, each chapter. Fenris got frustrated many times, but Melisandria believed in him and told him not to give up.
It was another normal day for the two of them, just an uneventful day filled with teaching. Melisandria lay on the couch behind Fenris as he sat on the floor, his back resting against the edge. He had gone through the whole book several times with Melisandria, but she was now having him read to her from the beginning. Melisandria lay on her side as she listened to Fenris slowly read through the book, moving from chapter to chapter with growing ease. She smiled as he pronounced each word clearly and carefully, making sure that he understood what it was that he was reading.
As he read, Fenris felt Melisandria's warm breath on his ear and neck, the soft touch of her hand as she rested a hand on his shoulder. He hadn't forgiven himself for what he did to her, but he was beginning to believe that she had. Or was starting to. He continued to read to her and felt comfortable being near her again, something he hadn't been able to feel in months.
As he finished reading the book, a couple hours having passed, Fenris closed the book and looked behind him at Melisandria. She had fallen asleep somewhere towards the ending of the book, the softness of Fenris' voice lulling her to sleep as he read. She hadn't been able to sleep lately, her nightmares coming at her once again with full force. This time, though, the horrors of losing her mother were added, as well as the night she last saw Carver. For once, as Fenris read, could Melisandria sleep peacefully.
Fenris turned and watched her sleep, missing how peaceful her face was as she slept, so gentle, so serene and calm. He put a hand to her cheek and brushed away some of her hair as it slipped from behind her ear. He smiled at her beauty, having missed being so near to her. He was about to stand and grab a blanket for her, but Melisandria woke up, nuzzling into his hand.
"Fenris?" she asked, looking up at him through tired eyes.
"You fell asleep." He said, moving up to the couch next to her. "It would seem that my words are so boring that they lulled you to sleep."
Melisandria sat up and rubbed her eyes. "Hardly. You are getting much better as each day passes, Fenris. I just haven't been sleeping well of late and your voice was soothing."
He looked at her as she ran her fingers through her hair. "Why have you not been able to sleep?"
"My nightmares started coming back." She said, pulling her knees into her arms. "Not just the ones of Bethany, but now losing Carver and seeing Mother like that…. It's just been too much, lately…"
Fenris wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms, but he knew he had to keep his distance. He put a hand on her arm. "It is always hard when one loses those they care about. Time will heal all wounds, you just need to be patient."
Melisandria looked at him and smiled a little. "I know, but the pain has woven itself so deep in my heart that sometimes I cannot bear it. My chest aches, my mind reels, everything around me spins out of control. I can't handle it by myself."
Fenris squeezed her arm gently, in as comforting way as he could. "You have each of us here for you to help you through it all."
Melisandria smiled. "Well, thank you for reading to me. You have been getting much, much better at reading." She stood and stretched. "I should get going. Merrill needed to speak with me about something."
Fenris stood with her and walked her to the front door. "Be careful."
Melisandria smiled and nodded and said goodbye. Fenris watched as she walked across the courtyard and down towards Lowtown. He closed his door and went back to his study. He picked up the book of Shartan and continued to read, determined to finish the book on his own.
It was a long trek back down Sundermount and back home. Melisandria's mind was reeling from the battle with the Varterral, losing Pol, nearly losing Merrill to her own despairs as she fought to obtain the arulin'holm from the Keeper.
As she stepped inside her home, she went to her room and set her staff against the wall near her wardrobe, recalling the conversation she had with Merrill. The elf mage was so grateful to her for helping her get the arulin'holm. She explained that none among her kind could understand her efforts, fully appreciate what she is trying to do. Melisandria could understand, but the use of blood magik had her worried.
A knock sounded at her door and Orana stepped inside, bowing her head in greeting. "Mistress, you have a visitor. He is waiting in the library."
"Thank you, Orana. I will be down there shortly." Melisandria said.
When Orana left, Melisandria changed out of her clothes, pulled on a chemise and slipped into her robe before she went downstairs and into the library. She looked around and saw someone on the second floor of the library. When she reached the top of the stairs, she smiled.
"Anders!"
The mage turned and looked at her, a soft but tired smile on his lips. "Melisandria, I'm sorry to just drop in. I had no patients and I thought maybe we could talk."
Melisandria nodded. "Of course, what's on your mind?"
"This is something that has been on my mind for a long time…" Anders started pacing as he began. "I don't know how to do this…"
Melisandria sat in one of the armchairs near the window. "Whatever it is, you can tell me."
Anders stopped for a moment and looked at her. It was time he told her how he felt, but he knew the way she looked at Fenris, the way he looked at her- or used to. He didn't want to prey upon the situation, but he couldn't hold it in any longer. "Mel, I…."
Melisandria felt a tightness in her chest. The only ones who ever called her Mel were her mother and Fenris. Anders had never called her Mel before and it made her heart race for an unknown reason to her.
"Over these past few years, you have been there for me. You have supported me and have had faith in me for so long, sometimes even when I don't deserve it. You have kept me from losing myself to Justice, from becoming more of a monster than I already am and I would do anything to repay you." Anders started, his tone becoming more urgent. "I can't think straight anymore; all I can think about, all I can dream about…" he paused and looked at her. "is you."
Melisandria's heart raced even faster now, hearing this.
"You are everything to me. You have shown me a kindness and acceptance that no one else ever has, not even the Warden Commander after she stopped the Blight and defeated the remaining darkspawn hordes. I cannot do anything anymore without considering how you would act, how you talk, how you would handle the situation. You've rubbed off on me in ways I never thought anyone could."
Melisandria stood and turned to look out the window. She wasn't sure what she was hearing or what to expect next.
"Mel, I have come to care for you in ways further than just a simple friendship. I would do anything to keep you safe. I worry for you, I ache for you, but I can't risk losing you, I can't risk hurting you."
Melisandria wrapped her arms around herself, closing her eyes. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. Anders was professing his feelings for her. She loved Fenris more than anything, but she cared for Anders, too. She couldn't figure out what to do about any of it.
"Mel, I love you but I don't want to get in the way of what you and Fenris have." Anders said, his voice saddening.
At that, Melisandria turned and looked at him with tears in her eyes. "Anders…"
Anders' face fell when he saw the tears and he started to turn away. "Mel, I'm sorry… I-"
Melisandria shook her head and ran to him, wrapping her arms around him and burying her face into his chest. "Anders, I love Fenris more than anything else in this world or in the Fade. He is the only one who has accepted me as a mage and as a person, looking past the magik and his own hatred for mages. You have been there for me, understood the things only mages could, but Fenris has given me something that I never thought to have in my lifetime to be possible."
Anders wasn't sure what to do, but he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in close, letting her cry and let her get everything out.
"Anders, I gave Fenris everything I had and he left me. I have been heart broken and lost since then. I can't stop thinking about him and I am trying to get over him, but I can't. Then, I lost Mother and everything seems to keep going downhill from there. I don't know what to do…."
She cried and cried and Anders just held her. Her sobs were muffled in the thick fabrics of his robes.
"I keep losing everything and everyone closest to me. I fear I will lose Varric, Isabela, Merrill… I fear I will lose even you, Anders…" She continued. "I can't lose anyone else, Anders. Please don't leave me… Please don't ever leave me…"
Anders hugged her more tightly, his heart aching for her. He felt her pain as if it were his own and he didn't know what he should do or say. "Mel…"
She looked up at him. "Anders, I know you care for me, that you would do anything for me. Please, just promise that you will never leave me?"
Anders tried to manage a smile. "I promise." He kissed her forehead and squeezed her gently.
"Thank you…" Melisandria replied.
"It is getting late. Let's get you to bed." Anders said and led her from the library and back up to her room. She pulled off her robe and set it aside and let down her bun, her hair cascading down her back as she sat down on the bed.
"Anders, I'm sorry I can't give you the same love you have for me…" she said, pulling her knees up to her chest. "We have been through so much together and it would be easy for us to be together, but…"
"But you love Fenris." Anders finished.
Melisandria looked up at him. "With all my soul."
Anders put a hand on her arm. "Mel, I will always love you, no matter what, and I will always protect you with every ounce of strength that I can. I understand that your heart belongs to Fenris and I envy him for keeping it even after he hurt you so. But I will never stop loving you, and whatever comes our way, I will stand by you through it all."
Melisandria managed a smile at that and hugged the mage, her closest friend. He understood everything she was going through, knew her pains, her worries, her joys as a mage, something Fenris could never understand. He loved her because of her strength, her cunning, her diplomacy, for being herself. Fenris loved her for the same things, but he looked even further than that to see her very being, her very soul. She loved Anders as a friend, a companion, as family, but she loved Fenris in a deeper and more intimate way than she did Anders. She felt guilty for not loving him the way that he loved her, but she was glad to have someone who loved her as much as Anders felt she deserved.
Anders kissed her forehead and tucked Melisandria into bed before he let himself out. He bid Orana a good night and left through the cellar door and into Darktown, locking the door behind him. He tucked the key back into his robes, hidden next to the Tevinter Chantry amulet Melisandria had given him after they returned from the slave holding caves. He felt a relief, like a burden that had been lifted after he told Melisandria how he felt. He knew now that he would never be with her, but to know that she knew of his feelings made him feel better. She knew his heart was hers if she wished for it, but he was prepared that she would never take it.
