Sasuke doesn't go seeking out Gaara the next day,though he sort of wants to. He remembers Gaara saying Temari just arrived for a visit, and he doesn't want to intrude. His mind keeps replaying Gaara hugging him during his meltdown at the store yesterday.

Sasuke's hand is healing nicely. He makes a note to thank Gaara again.


He wakes in a cold sweat, with an invisible weight on his chest. He gets up, compulsively checks his windows and locks, checking for all of the minor weapons he's stashed around the house. He hears a crash outside that sets him off for an hour, skin buzzing with anxiety.

He doesn't go out, feeling odd, shaky and disconnected in a way he can't quite explain. He attempts to read, but he can't seem to absorb any of the material, either staring at the page blankly or reading the same sentence over and over again. His head feels like a dense fog all day long.

He completely forgets to eat, and he finds himself having lost his already minimal appetite anyway, so he guesses it's not a problem. He barely remembers to feed the cat, and that doesn't help him feel any better. The little nuisance would probably be better off with someone else. Someone who doesn't completely zone out and nearly forgets she exists for hours at a time.

Sasuke frowns at the feline as she eats. Maybe he should give it to someone. Maybe the old woman downstairs?

The only thing that stops him is the fact that Sarada would enjoy having the kitten around. So Sasuke had to try to take better care of the thing.

Sasuke can barely take care of himself.

He's aware this could just be a bad day, and his brain could just be lying to him as usual, but he isn't sure.


It's like Sasuke's mind is beginning the long process of self-destructing. Like the closer it got to Sarada's arrival, the more his mind started to panic and unwind. It was awful timing, but for some reason his mind doesn't recognize that and stop like Sasuke so desperately wanted it to. The last few days have been spent feeling slightly off-center and like something was chasing him. It's awful. Sasuke can barely sleep.

The next night he has a nightmare that starts off with finding his parents after the massacre - dead, lying in a puddle of their mixed blood, his mother's eyes unseeing and staring - and ends with Orochimaru on top of him and ignoring his screams and pain.

It's the most vivid dream he's had in a very, very long time. He can feel everything - every tug between his legs, the blood, and every bruise pressed into his thighs - and to his disgust and shame, Sasuke wakes up with his body having betrayed him and reacted, just like back then.

Sasuke wakes half hard with vomit in his mouth, stomach burning in revulsion and mortification - face coloring in self-loathing.

Disgust slams into him, along with the slimy feeling of shame and being watched. He can still somehow feel eyes on him.

The confusion in his body doesn't help. That just makes the self-hate burn brighter. He throws up for fifteen minutes, his arm burning and shame turning in his stomach, hot and corrosive.

It's been happening for years, the nightmares that leave him sick and and shaky. He's never told anyone about them, but they're just as persistent as they always have been. Which Sasuke finds ridiculous. Shouldn't he be over that already? It was years ago, and it wasn't the only unpleasant thing that's ever happened to Sasuke, so why couldn't he just forget it? Shouldn't it be lost in the sea of other unpleasant shit? He's frustrated with himself, most of all.

But then again, Sasuke couldn't forget anything. He still remembers every pore on his brother's face. Every stray hair slipping from his mother's ponytail when she saw him off for school on the morning of the day that his brother would murder her. He remembers the smell of his father's pipe like he smoked it to this day.

So of course he'd remember every detail of Orochimaru on top of him.

Sasuke's mouth tastes like bile and he pants on his bathroom floor - sweaty, breathless and feeling like every inch of his skin is something absolutely revolting - his tangled hair sticking to his face.

Why couldn't he just shove it back? What was wrong with him? Was this normal? It couldn't be. Was his life just going to be reliving nightmares until he died? If so, what was even the point?

He spends that day listlessly staring at his bedroom wall. The cat paws at him and curls up in his lap as Sasuke's mind completely vacates his body, but he finds he can't even lift his hand to pet her. It's like his body is so heavy, and he can't move. Something is pressing on his lungs and it's like he can't get a deep breath all day no matter how hard he tries.

He feels like he's wading through a thick, grey fog. So thick he can hardly breathe. He spends the day thinking he'll start to suffocate any moment now.

Sasuke shuts down and loses time, and by the time he checks back in it's early morning the next day. 3 in the morning, to be precise.

Sasuke's exhausted, hungry and nauseous but is hesitant to go to sleep. He looks at his bed from his place on the floor in the corner of his bedroom, but he can't find it in himself to crawl into bed and even attempt to try.

For what? More nightmares?

He half-heartedly tries reading for a while, but he can't concentrate. He feels like static. Unsettled. He looks at the small clock that glows in the dim light. Gaara helped him pick it out.

3 am.

Sasuke stands, feeling restless and anxious. The cat blinks at him, ears perked up and watching him curiously. Sasuke wrenches the door open and steps outside, inhaling the night air.

This is better - so far. The night is freezing, but he barely feels it. Hardly anyone is on the streets, and that helps. He can be alone in the fresh air.

Sasuke takes a deep breath, burying the thoughts of the nightmares. He takes another breath and starts to walk.

His shoes kick at rocks, the steel-toed boots crushing stones under his feet as he sinks into his thoughts. He's not contemplating anything in particular, happy that after his mind running in circles all day that his head is finally blissfully empty and detached for the moment.

He'll take what he can get.

He walks, making a few turns down some empty streets, avoiding anyone he can see coming towards him. That is, until he spots a figure in red.

A familiar figure sitting on an old swing in a small residential square not far from the Kazekage mansion, his eyes downcast and leaning on one side of the chain, lost in thought. He doesn't look completely sad, just... contemplative.

Sasuke takes a step closer.

"Gaara?"

The man jumps about a foot in the air, clearly lost in his own thoughts and unaware he was approaching. Gaara's sand reacts accordingly to his surprise, rushing to partially shield him.

Green eyes blink at him in mild shock, until he seems to shake himself out of it. The sand melts away, swirling into the sky.

His hair is a bit tousled, like he'd tried sleeping and simply couldn't do it. Sasuke wonders if he looked the same. It seemed like his own hair was a mess more often than not these days. Sasuke stopped bothering trying to deal with it long ago.

"Sasuke." Gaara says, eyes wide, "Why're you out this late?"

Gaara's not in his usual coat, just a simple long sleeve shirt and pants.

He looks smaller without it, Sasuke thinks once again.

"...can't sleep." Sasuke says, "What about you?"

Gaara fidgets, frowning.

"I can't sleep either. I usually...just come out here to get some air."

Sasuke looks at him, taking in the dark circles around bright green eyes, "Hn…You okay?"

"I think so." He says, honest as usual, "You?"

"I think so." Sasuke says, glancing at him, "I think I remember Naruto mentioning you had trouble sleeping."

Gaara frowns. Sasuke tries not to stare.

"I- ah -" Gaara starts, looking lost for a moment, "I suppose he meant the Shukaku."

The Shukaku...

Sasuke knew the man used to house the One Tail - was a jinchuruki, like Naruto - but what he knew of that was...limited.

He supposed Naruto knew, but again, Sasuke hadn't asked. He remembers Gaara beginning to transform into the tailed beast during their fight when they were kids, after the chunin exams had been interrupted, but eventually Sasuke had passed out, and from what he was told, Naruto took over. Sasuke only knew bits and pieces, really.

"The tailed beast."

"Yes." Gaara says, "He was always awake, and didn't seem very keen on letting me sleep either. I suppose some habits are tough to break."

"So you...didn't sleep?" Sasuke asks, frowning at the lanterns in the distance.

"I couldn't. He threatened to kill me if I did." Gaara says quietly, staring at something far away, "I had no choice. I only started sleeping when I was...fifteen? I think? Anyway, I don't think I'm used to it yet."

Sasuke just blinks at him for a moment. He didn't sleep for 15 years? He tries to imagine being awake all the time. Never being able to rest or reset. Never getting a break, or getting to disconnect.

He remembers basically exploding on Sai when he woke him up in Orochimaru's hideout all those years ago, when Team 7 was looking for him. He'd been so livid that he'd blown up part of the Sannin's lair. Sleep had been the only reprieve he'd gotten from Orochimaru's hands and "training", and he didn't appreciate being woken up.

Going without sleep for so long... Sasuke has an explanation for Gaara's erratic behavior when he was a child, then.

What a nightmare. How could anyone live like that? Especially a child? No wonder Gaara was twitching and talking to people that weren't there by the time Sasuke met him when they were kids.

"That's…" Sasuke starts, " Torture."

Gaara laughs quietly, but it's different from the few times Sasuke's heard it before. It's sharp, bitter. Not angry, just... frustrated.

"I guess so." He says. Eyes hazy. He looks very tired. Sasuke guesses he does too.

That also explained the man's height. Or lack thereof. No sleep probably stunted his growth a fair bit. Sasuke's brain randomly chooses that moment to wonder whether any of it was because he was also an omega.

Sasuke pushes the thought away.

"Are you...sleeping more now, at least?" Sasuke asks.

Gaara nods, "Thankfully."

"Good."

Sasuke's quiet for a moment, and Gaara looks up at him from where he sits on the swing.

"Are you alright?" Gaara asks, "You look...a bit…"

"Like shit?" Sasuke offers. It was true. He did.

"Troubled." Gaara finishes.

Sasuke isn't sure what to say.

"Just-" he starts, looking at his bandaged hand, "Nightmares. Flashbacks. Things like that."

Gaara nods, looking away, "I understand. Is there anything I can do?"

For some reason that question, while innocent, makes Sasuke's face go blazing hot. He's thankful for the dark at the moment, and that the glow from the village's lanterns cast a slightly red glow over everything anyway.

Gaara looks up at him expectantly, and Sasuke blanks for a few seconds. For a flash of a second, a stupidly ridiculous second, he thinks about asking for another hug. As soon as he thinks of it he shoves it away. Why was that his first thought?

"A distraction, then." Gaara says, standing up. The swing sways as he lets go of the chain.

Sasuke runs his hand through his hair, looking at the ground. Usually he could look at Gaara without his face going hot, but sometimes he just couldn't, and this is clearly one of those times.

It doesn't help when Gaara's fingers close around his sleeve and tugs, trying to get his attention. Sasuke briefly entertains the thought of just taking the man's hand (it's not like they haven't held hands before, and that was...normal for friends, right?), but then Gaara gives him that tiny smile again, and Sasuke can't think at all.

"Come on." Gaara says, turning around and heading down the street, like he wasn't causing Sasuke to completely fucking malfunction, somehow.

Sasuke follows, obviously.


It's a tea house. More like a small stall, really. Sasuke leaves the ordering to Gaara, and in a few minutes they're both holding steaming cups of very pleasantly fragrant tea. Sasuke doesn't notice how cold it is outside until he has the warmth in his hand.

It's still fascinating to him how cool such a warm place could get once the sun went down.

They continue walking down the quiet, lantern-lit streets, no particular destination in mind. Just taking in the stillness of the village during early morning.

The tea is good - not too sweet, either. He doesn't think he's ever had it before.

"Thanks." Sasuke says. He feels a bit calmer.

"Eventually it should put you to sleep. It even helps me, a little bit." Gaara says, "My mother used to make this all the time for Temari and Kankuro, I'm told."

Sasuke looks at him, concealing the fact that he's staring from behind his hair. He's never heard Gaara say anything about his mother. He's curious about the man again.

"What was she like?" He finds himself asking, grateful for the distraction.

Gaara looks a bit surprised by the question at first, but he thinks for a moment.

"People loved her. She looked a bit like Temari." Gaara says, "She wasn't a ninja, but my uncle was. They were twins. I've never met her, so I only know what I've been told."

"You never met her?"

"She died a few seconds after having me." Gaara says, and Sasuke is suddenly feeling guilty that he asked. He looks at the ground, frowning.

"Sorry, I-"

"Don't feel bad for asking. It's fine." Gaara says. When Sasuke looks up he can see Gaara looking at him, slightly amused, "You didn't do anything wrong."

Sasuke catches his eye and can't look away for a moment, but then he nods, frowning at his shoes again.

"What was your family like?" Gaara asks.

Sasuke feels his heart clench painfully at the question. What does he say? How much does he say?

"I'm sorry. I didn't fully think my question through before I asked it. You don't have to say anything. I'm sorry, I know it's complicated."

Gaara looks troubled, and Sasuke registers his words a beat too late.

"Oh. No, it's...it's fine." Sasuke says, "I was just thinking about what to say."

He's quiet for a moment, simply trying not to be sad.

"My brother was one of the top ninjas of the clan from very young. He was a genius. My father was always proud of him. My mother's name was Mikoto. She used to collect books."

He remembers how his mother used to smile at him, reading him stories. Sarada looks a bit like her.

"So you get it from her." Gaara says.

Sasuke manages a small, humorless smile, "I guess so."

They're quiet for a moment, until Sasuke gets curious again.

"What was your father like?"

Gaara fidgets, looking at his tea. The omega thinks for a moment.

"I don't know what he was really like. I only know what he showed me. And he...didn't like me very much." Gaara says, "He always kept me at arm's length - he only made me to serve as a weapon for Suna, to be the Shukaku's jinchuuriki - but when I was about five he knew I couldn't control the tailed beast, so he just stopped interacting with me. He put my uncle in charge of my care instead. I never really knew him."

Sasuke looks at him, surprised.

That's…

Fucking terrible, actually.

"He sounded like a monster." Sasuke says without thinking.

But it was true.

Gaara shrugs, and the action looks foreign on him. His eyes are a bit far away, and Sasuke finds himself staring again.

"I was used to it." Gaara says, "Everyone ran from me back then."

He says it so casually, like it's the weather and not the entire village hating a child for something he didn't choose and couldn't control.

Sasuke has that strange urge to take his hand again, but he refrains.

Gaara goes quiet for a long moment, and Sasuke tries not to stare once more.

"It's good you have Kankuro and Temari. And Shinki." Sasuke says after a moment.

Gaara seems to recover a bit, nodding. "I'm very grateful for them."

"They're protective of you. That's good." Sasuke says, "My brother was…"

At the mention of his brother Sasuke feels himself start to curl away at the edges, like the memories were too much for his subconscious to even touch.

"Sasuke…"

"I'm okay." He says, shaking himself out of it.

"You can tell me whatever you want. Or nothing at all." Gaara says, eyes on him, "You know it's okay right, Sasuke?"

But he finds himself poking at the memories, almost like he wants to talk about it. Everyone always tiptoed around the topic of his brother when they spoke to him, but Gaara didn't do that. He simply would listen if Sasuke wanted to speak.

And something in him reaches for that. The fact that someone is willing to listen to him tell his side of the story. Completely.


Sasuke tells him everything about his brother, and once he starts it's like he couldn't stop talking even if he wanted to. He never got to lay his brother's life out for somebody like this. He's distantly aware he's rambling and the words have gotten away from him, but he can't control it for some reason. It's like his every thought was pouring out of his mouth.

This never happens to him. Sasuke usually kept things so close to the chest that no one ever knew the little details that comeplete Sasuke's story. People often judged him without knowing the details. But Gaara was listening to him.

Sasuke can clearly see every memory he recalls behind his eyelids. Itachi standing over their parents, his sword red with blood. His words. Him breaking Sasuke's wrist and knocking him out. Telling him to kill his closest friend for the sake of strength. Sasuke having to relive the murder of his clan for what felt like days. Being in a coma. Fighting his brother. Seeing him dead in the rain afterward, blood in his mouth and eyes cold. His brother's confession as the edo tensei lifted.

Thoughts of Itachi are always at the back of Sasuke's mind. It was like his big brother was still watching him. Still one step ahead, and not telling Sasuke a thing. Just like old times.

When he finishes he feels an odd lightness. Or he could be lightheaded and about to have another panic attack. He isn't exactly sure.

Remembering it all at once leaves Sasuke feeling very, very tired. Not physically, but more like a weariness down to his bones. A sort of tired that can't be fixed with sleep. But he feels something lift ever so slightly now that he's said everything.

He doesn't notice Gaara's face until he finally catches his eye. The Kazekage looks carefully blank, but Sasuke can read him better than he could months ago.

He can see the slight distress on Gaara's features.

"Your brother did that to you?" Gaara asks, looking shaken.

Sasuke isn't sure what to say for a moment. He thinks back and wonders how it all sounds from Gaara's perspective. He guesses on the outside it seems like his brother was cruel.

It...was true that they weren't all the best memories, but...Itachi did it all for a reason. He had to make Sasuke strong. He had to hurt him to keep him safe because he loved him.

Right?

That was how Sasuke always explained it away in his head.

"I...well, I-he had a reason." Sasuke says, avoiding Gaara's eyes.

The omega opens his mouth and then closes it, obviously rethinking what he wants to say. Sasuke takes a sip of his previously forgotten tea that he still holds in his hand. It's cold.

After a moment Gaara speaks.

"With all due respect, Sasuke...whether his intentions were noble or not doesn't change that he inflicted what sounds like very severe trauma that you're most likely still recovering from. All of that...must have been very painful for you to go through." Gaara says, frowning deeply.

Sasuke doesn't know how to respond to that. Mostly because he didn't expect that response. He expected Gaara to call his brother a hero, like everyone else who knew the complete story did.

After a while, Sasuke understood where he stood in relation to his brother. Sasuke made all the wrong choices. He was the bad one. The one who couldn't keep it - any of it - together. Itachi was the genius. The selfless one who sacrificed his name, home, family... everything, for the sake of peace. And sure the things he did to Sasuke hurt (so badly, even now) and scrambled his (already wounded) brain like nothing else, but...that didn't matter, right? Maybe Sasuke deserved it. Itachi had a reason for everything he did. For manipulating Sasuke how he had.

That should be enough. Right?

But...well, maybe…

"I just mean…" Gaara says, quietly, "Hurting you shouldn't have been a part of his plan. You didn't deserve that. Forcing you through hardship shouldn't have been how he chose to make you strong. Pain doesn't always make people resilient, sometimes it just hurts. Family shouldn't do that."

Sasuke's brain goes blank at those words, trying to fully comprehend what they mean. He didn't deserve it? How did Sasuke not deserve it? How can Gaara say that?

"That's just...not what family should do to each other. I don't mean to say he was a bad person, I'm sure he loved you very much, and we're all only human. It sounds like you two had nice memories as well. But...you shouldn't have had to deal with someone you loved and trusted putting you through that." Gaara adds after a brief silence. Sasuke just holds his drink and feels like his brain has hit a standstill.

Sasuke knew Itachi was right, he just accepted it. After he died and Sasuke learned the truth, he simply accepted that Itachi's actions were for the greater good. Did Sasuke wish (especially as a child) that Itachi didn't mentally torture him with the endless loop of their clan's murder? Sure. But Itachi had a reason. It was all for Sasuke's own good.

Sasuke was too weak to achieve anything on his own. He needed his brother being cruel to him to make him strong. Right?

Now that he thinks about it. That reasoning sounds slightly insane. Something is wrong with his logic here, but he doesn't know what.

But here was Gaara telling him that Itachi was wrong to hurt him.

No one's ever said that to him before.

Sasuke didn't know what to do about it.

"I'm sorry. I... I shouldn't have said that so harshly." Gaara says, "I tend to be overly blunt sometimes, I apologize. Are you...are you okay?"

"No, it's fine. I'm okay. I...I just don't really know what to say." Sasuke says, "I try not to think about my brother, really."

Gaara nods, "That's alright. It sounds like...a lot is going on in your head right now. I don't mean to add to it."

Sasuke looks at him, just studying Gaara's expression. Then he catches himself and turns his attention to his boots.

"Hm."

Gaara is silent for a moment, "Is that what was keeping you awake?"

Sasuke frowns at the ground, shaking his head. His hair brushes against his neck and he nearly jumps out of his skin. He forces himself to keep it together.

"No, it...was a nightmare about something else." Sasuke says quietly, "... Orochimaru."

Gaara nods, slow and thoughtful.

"You'll never have to see him again." Gaara says.

Sasuke nods after a moment, finding himself repeating the words in his head over and over again. It helps a bit, actually.

He's taken out of his head when he hears the omega speak again.

"Since we're awake," Gaara says suddenly, "We have somewhere to be. We should hurry before we miss it."

Sasuke looks at him, a question in his eyes. He knows it's Gaara's way of distracting him from his unpleasant thoughts, but it's working. Somehow Gaara was good at that. Well, that and getting Sasuke to spill his soul every now and again. Sasuke was finding that he didn't really mind that. Talking to Gaara was somewhat... relieving.

Gaara doesn't bother to elaborate, simply tugging Sasuke's sleeve again. And once more, Sasuke entertains the thought of taking his hand.

He thinks about it the entire time Gaara leads him up and onto the wall surrounding the village, facing the north. The wall is all clay and rock, sturdy enough to stand on. Gaara sits right at the edge, facing the desert.

"What're we doing?" Sasuke asks, taking a place beside him.

Gaara points to the horizon and says, "Give it a second."

He does.

Sasuke realizes what's going on as the earth is slowly enveloped in the blazing orange of the rising desert sun.

The sunrise .

Sasuke watches the sky go red, then orange, streaks of pink dashed across the sky stretched wide over the vast expanse of the desert as the sun inches higher and higher.

It's an explosion of color, and Sasuke can feel the desert heating up once again. He can't take his eyes off of it. Thoughts of nightmares dissipate in the warmth of the desert air.

When he can turn from the spectacle, he looks at Gaara.

Green eyes are glued to the colors painted across the sky.

The only thought in Sasuke's head is that Gaara's hair is so much redder in the light of the early morning.