The realization that he has feelings for Gaara answers some questions and poses other, bigger ones. What will he do about it? What should he do?
Was there anything he could do?
He briefly considers shoving it down, denying it and ignoring it. But he stares up at his ceiling the next morning and...
He can't. Gaara was a part of his life. A good part of it, and Sasuke didn't want to force himself to stay distant or ignore how he felt. Ignoring his feelings was exhausting, and Sasuke didn't want to do it anymore. It was like a drain on his soul. He was finally getting better, in some sense, and he couldn't deny that Gaara played a very vital part in that. Gaara was the only one who told him the truth of what he thought about Itachi. Sasuke connected with him at a time in his life when he truly thought he was unable to connect with anybody, even his best friend. He seemed to pluck Sasuke from the dissociative grey of his life and make him pay attention again. And even aside from that, Sasuke...well, he liked Gaara. A lot. He didn't want to stay away.
What was the point of putting in the work of thinking himself through everything last night just to lie to himself and deny it in the morning? That would backtrack the mental and emotional progress Sasuke worked so hard for.
Sasuke is in completely new territory now. That was the end of the usefulness that his experience with Naruto could give him in this situation. He's already gotten farther with Gaara than he ever did with Naruto. He couldn't use his relationship with the blond as a reference anymore.
His feelings for Naruto had changed over the years, and now Sasuke had to deal with having...romantic feelings for Gaara as a traumatized adult just trying to heal. He isn't even sure if he's capable of having a relationship like that. Sasuke doesn't know what to do.
He no longer wanted to kiss Naruto (well, in a serious sense. He remembers when they kissed by accident as children, and he still internally sighs and shakes his head fondly at the memory every time). He no longer mourned what could've been. He no longer thought of Naruto's wife and new family and felt pain . He hardly thought of it at all, actually. Which is... interesting, because he used to think about it all the time, agonizing over the fact that Naruto had gone off without him. Maybe he wasn't completely over it - Sasuke tended to cling to feelings of abandonment - and Sasuke felt that the fact that Naruto didn't choose him would always hurt in a way, but he doesn't think about and dwell on it like he used to. Now he was busy thinking about someone else.
Now he wonders who Gaara's with when he's not with Sasuke. He wonders what the omega is up to during the day when he doesn't see him. What his thoughts were on certain things. Now he obsessed over the omega who drew his gaze away from the one person that Sasuke thought was most important in his life. And Naruto was still incredibly important to him, it's just that Gaara was steadily taking up more and more space in Sasuke's mind, and Sasuke grew more and more needy for his presence. Sasuke needed Gaara close. In a way he maybe didn't really need Naruto quite as much. Not anymore.
He and Gaara's minds connected more than Sasuke ever anticipated, and he finds himself wondering what would have happened if they started talking sooner. Maybe things would have gotten better before they did.
But pondering that wouldn't rewind time and let him fix it, so Sasuke discards the thought. Best to focus on what's happening now.
Sasuke stares at the ceiling, mind racing. He needs to get up and get ready to pick up Sarada, but he's woken up a bit earlier than he planned to. He had a bit of time anyway, and his brain won't stop. He'd stared at the ceiling for most of the previous night, mind going blank after a while, just replaying every time Gaara's helped him, or included him in his small circle of people he trusted. He remembers Gaara finding him in the desert and bringing him home for dinner without a thought. How the incredibly protective omega trusted Sasuke with his son.
It was hard to sleep with his head swimming.
If he truly has feelings for Gaara, then what does Sasuke want? What could he do about it?
Well, he'd have to figure that out later. Before he knows it it's noon, and he has to get up and bathe, feed the cat, make sure the place is in order and head to the train station.
Ten minutes later Sasuke is in the bath, pouring water over his head and washing shampoo out of his hair. He blinks slowly, still a bit sleepy. Maybe he was getting too used to sleeping in. He changes the bandage on what's left of his missing arm, wincing as he bandages it far too tight at first. The torn muscle smarts a bit, but he manages to feed the cat, gather his books before putting them back on the shelves and heading out the door. He gives the cat one more scratch behind the ears before stepping out and locking his door.
The new train station is only about a ten minute walk from the northeast resident district, where Sasuke lives. He looks at the ground as he walks, thinking. His fist clenches in mild anxiety, thinking of his daughter. It simultaneously felt like the wait had taken too long and yet somehow Sasuke was still unprepared.
Sasuke never said it aloud, but when Sarada was born he grappled with all-consuming fear almost immediately. She was so small, so innocent, and Sasuke was complicit in bringing her into a world that would hurt her. Maybe irreparably .
Sasuke couldn't help thinking about all that happened to him when he was a child, his brother's neglect and betrayal, his father's indifference, being surrounded by death, his brother torturing him, being left alone, Orochimaru's manipulation, being stabbed, attacked, raped, forced to fight his closest friend, forced to fight other children - sometimes to the death…
One big reason Sasuke initially didn't want to have a child after the war was because he knew what happened to children in this world. Sure, things were better now, but how could he bring a child into the world while knowing all of the most terrible aspects of it? Anything that happened to them would all be his fault, because he was the one who doomed them in the first place, because he couldn't protect them every second of every day-
When he was a child he wanted his family back, and he made up his mind to have his own children to start to rebuild, but after growing up and seeing what being an Uchiha meant in the world...he couldn't do it. He abandoned the idea, unable to justify bringing a child into a world that could hate them for his previous actions and those of his ancestors. He didn't want them to deal with that.
Sasuke could handle a lot. Being misunderstood, mentally tortured, reviled, raped, stabbed, drugged...but not that . He couldn't bear the thought of any harm coming to Sarada.
That was his nightmare. Just the thought has kept him up at night for years. That's why he stayed away. He'd cried when his daughter was born, not out of sadness but because he loved her so much immediately, even if the circumstances of her birth weren't ideal. Then that fear set in, as he looked down into her tiny face - his eyes clouded by tears - and remembered what happened to anyone unfortunate enough to be his family . It was so hard to leave her, like slowly cutting off another limb, but he knew that having him around would only hurt her. She'd experience cruelty from the village simply because of who Sasuke was. So he left.
It hurt. It almost killed him. But he did it.
He's aware he's panicking and his thoughts are somewhat nonsense, and the fear was maybe incredibly overdramatic, but Sasuke could never really shake it. It sat inside him ever since he laid eyes on her tiny face, and it...fuck, it scared Sasuke to death. Maybe it was the Uchiha curse, but life had all but gutted him, so what would this existence do to her?
Was her life doomed to be just as...burdensome? Complicated?
He pushes the thoughts back. He shouldn't be so maudlin when they meet again. Sasuke had to ditch the dark cloud before he saw her.
Sasuke heads through the village, sticking to shadows out of instinct, taking note of toy stores and things a child would like until he reaches the unfamiliar train station.
He's heard Naruto talking about the new train that ran between villages. It was a fairly recent construction, the new age of technology and all that. The Hokage made his bias for Suna known once more when he made sure that was the first stop constructed. Connecting Suna and Konoha was Naruto's priority at the moment, and everyone knew it. Everything else could come later.
Sasuke hadn't cared much at the time, sure he'd never use the thing, but here he was, waiting for the train to pull in. The station was crowded, which Sasuke didn't appreciate, but any second the train would arrive and Sasuke would see his daughter. He checks the large clock hanging from the platform.
Two minutes.
Sasuke runs a hand through his hair. He considers getting a haircut for a moment, but then he shoves the thought away. He wouldn't ever let a stranger near his face with scissors. Sasuke fiddles with the ends of his hair, eyes on the train platform.
He wonders if Sarada would even remember him. Sasuke was unclear what small children could remember, or how far back. Did he look any different than when she'd seen him last? He feels different.
He worries about silly little things like that until the train comes roaring into the station and Sasuke winces, covering one ear and clenching his eyes shut. The horn blares and Sasuke grits his teeth.
The train is a huge, ugly and monstrously loud thing. He finds the large machinery a bit unnerving, truly.
In other words Sasuke hated it. Anything loud grated on him, and he often found himself freezing and being thrown into some less than pleasant memory.
Sasuke hates noise. It makes him anxious, though he'd never admit it aloud.
The train station is a conglomerate of things Sasuke finds unpleasant. Noise and crowds. Crowds quickly felt like the world was closing in on him, and he found his missing arm started to burn. He usually needed to try and get someplace quiet to breathe before he lost it. Thankfully for now it just seemed to annoy more than startle him.
The thing stops and quiets down slightly, doors sliding open.
Sasuke fidgets, looking through the crowd as people slowly pour out. Sasuke's eyes scan the crowd.
Two figures carefully make their way down the stairs, and Sasuke quickly side-steps around a small group of people to get a better look, heart racing.
Shizune is holding the little girl's hand, and Sasuke's eyes land on his daughter for the first time in too, too long.
She wears a little red jumpsuit, and he can distantly see the Uchiha fan embroidered on the hem of her right sleeve. Her backpack looks almost too big for her, and her glasses are a bit different. Sasuke immediately feels his heart clench. She looks up at Shizune and says something, grinning happily as her eyes scan the crowd, looking for him. Sasuke makes his way over, unable to take his eyes off his daughter.
She squeaks happily when she sees him, bouncing on her feet and dropping Shizune's hand, darting up to him.
Big black eyes widen and the little girl is in front of him and reaching for him before he can blink.
"Papa!" She cheers. Sasuke heart stutters. And bursts.
He drops to his knees and immediately pulls her in and wraps her in a tight hug without a thought, "Hello, Sarada."
He feels like he can finally breathe. She's here .
She's only gotten slightly taller, and has gotten a new pair of glasses. They're red like her old ones, though. They sort of look like the old ones Karin gave her. Just a bit shinier.
"Papa!" She squeaks, tiny arms holding him tight. Sasuke feels his heart warm. He's happy.
"Hey. How're you doing, peanut?" He asks, hugging her close. She giggles at the old nickname, wiggling in his arms. Sasuke supposes that means she does remember their short times together. He bites the inside of his cheek, trying to remind himself that him crying would probably confuse her and Shizune.
But still, it's hard to try not to cry, finally being able to hold his daughter once more. After going without his family for so long.
"I'm okay! I just had ice cream! Papa, you're squishing me!" She giggles.
Sasuke smiles, finally (and reluctantly) releasing her a bit and blinking away the moisture in his eyes, "Sorry, peanut. I just missed you very much."
She grins, bouncing on her feet, "I missed you too, Papa! Miss Shizune and Mommy said I can stay with you! So we got on the train! It was so loud!"
"It is loud." He smiles, taking her tiny hand. She squeezes him tight, and his heart warms infinitely brighter.
"I'm glad you're here, peanut. It's a new place, but I think you'll like it."
"Yeah!" She grins, nodding giddily. Sasuke shoulders her bag and grips her hand again, looking down at her fondly before he remembers the woman who brought his daughter to him. He'd completely forgotten she was there, too absorbed in Sarada's presence.
"Thank you." He tells Shizune. The woman nods, adjusting her kimono wrapping and handing him another one of Sarada's bags.
She smiles, "No problem. Sarada was so excited! Sakura sends her love. She misses you, you know! You should see your wife more often!"
Sasuke feels his mood shift to something darker. He stiffens at the mention of her, and he finds that he can't look Shizune in the eyes. Nor does he know what to say.
"Papa, do you like my new glasses?" Sarada smiles, tugging on his hand and looking up at him, wanting more attention. Attention Sasuke would obviously gladly give her.
Sasuke exhales, tension leaking out of him as he looks down at her again, grateful for his daughter's happy obliviousness. And the fact that children had absolutely no problem with changing the subject.
"They're really nice. When did you get them?" He asks, avoiding Shizune's statements about Sakura.
Shizune smiles at their interaction, obviously unaware of Sasuke's discomfort.
"Last month! Gramma Tsunade gave them to me!"
"That's great. They look nice on you." He says, picking her up. She lifts her arms happily as he cradles her, smiling fondly.
"Really? Thanks Papa."
Sasuke can't help smiling at his little girl. Something in Sasuke settles and calmes at being able to have his daughter here, someplace he doesn't feel like he's suffocating. He could enjoy being with his family here. And it was like it hadn't nearly been a year since he'd seen her. Gaara was right, he could see it already. Children just wanted you to care.
As soon as he held her he knew they would get along like they'd never been separated by Sasuke's complicated life and her toxic parentage.
Shizune gives Sarada one last kiss and bids them both goodbye, reboarding the train. Sasuke holds Sarada as she waves at Shizune through the window.
Once the loud monstrosity pulls off (squealing and making Sasuke wince) she turns back to him kicking her legs happily. He adjusts her in his hip, slinging her other bag onto his other shoulder.
"Papa, I get to stay with you!" She cheers again, obviously still excited about being in a new place with her father. Like she still couldn't believe it. He could hardly believe it himself. He was actually able to have her here with him. He wonders what strings Naruto had to pull to make this even possible. He'd have to thank him, again.
"You do." He smiles, eyes softening as he looks at his daughter's excited, chubby little face. Her hair had reverted back to its typical little-child-messiness, flyaway hairs in her face.
"We'll have fun!" She says.
"We will." He assures her.
He pulls his daughter into a hug. He can't help it. The child was so innocent, and she looked just like his mom. The little girl didn't even begrudge him anything, she just wanted him around. Sasuke's soul brightens as he hugs her tight, so happy to have his family close. She wraps her arms around his neck, cuddling close to him. The small crack in his soul caused by separation from his child starts to slowly stitch itself together. He could feel it already.
He carries her back to the apartment, listening to her point out the signs and excitedly wave at strangers. She was so bright-eyed and earnest, and it sort of staggers Sasuke that something so pure and innocent could come from him , of all people. Sarada was just a baby that was awed by the world, and he found himself fascinated and happy to watch her take in a whole new place for the first time.
She looks at everything as they pass, all the shops, lanterns and parks. The vines and flowers on the buildings and the colorful insects that dart about. A butterfly flutters past them, and Sarada points at it, showing it to her father. The little girl stares at the yellow birds that flit from vine to vine, drinking water from the leaves.
"It's like in my book!" Sarada says, wide eyed, "There's sand everywhere in the desert ! I saw it on the train. "
"There is. It's what the buildings are made of too." He smiles, pointing at the structures and shops they pass, "Do you see the flowers?"
"They're pink! And red!" She says, happy. Her big, black eyes dart about, trying to take in everything about her new home.
"They are. And they're everywhere . See those?" He says, walking up to the grape vine that covers the building down the road from their apartment, "These are where grapes grow. See?"
It was natural, being with her and teaching her things. Like they'd never been separated.
"Ohh…." She says, wide-eyed. She clutches him tighter but leans forward a bit, looking on curiously.
"Go on, pick one." He says, and she smiles wide as she leans forward in her father's arms to pick the grape from the vine. She shoves it in her mouth with both hands and Sasuke huffs a slight laugh, feeling light.
"Yummy!"
"Good? Okay, let's go home."
"Okay!"
He reluctantly puts her down once he gets to the door, looking for his keys.
"More flowers!" She says, walking up to the potted plants on the doorstep, "Papa, are they yours?"
"They were here when I moved in, I think they might belong to the woman downstairs, actually."
"They're pretty." She says, gently poking one of the flower's petals.
"Yeah, I like them too." Sasuke smiles at her, unlocking the door and smiling lightly when she immediately bounces inside. Sasuke hardly in the house himself before he hears her little voice ring out once again.
"A cat!" She exclaims brightly, pointing at the small black cat that Sasuke has been sharing the house with. Sasuke laughs quietly and locks the door, putting her bags on the small table by the door.
"She showed up one day and decided to stay." Sasuke tells her, sitting next to his daughter on the floor as she pets the now purring feline. The girl doesn't hesitate to grab the cat - who meows slightly indignantly, but curls up in the child's arms anyway - and immediately gets up to plop herself in Sasuke's lap without a thought.
"What's her name?"
Sasuke ruffles her hair, eyes fond, "She doesn't have one yet, I thought you'd like to name her."
Her eyes go wide, "Really? Can I?"
"Of course." He says, hugging her.
"Hmm….Akumi!" She decides, "Akumi-chan."
"Then that'll be her name." He says, "It suits her."
"Papa, she looks like you!" Sarada cheers.
He frowns and looks down at the little, fuzzy creature.
"Me?"
"Yeah! She's black all over and makes a grumpy face!" The little girl giggles.
"I don't make a...grumpy face." He says. He does wear a lot of black, though. That was fair.
She giggles, "You're making it right now!"
He can't help but smile at his little girl, who scratches behind the cat's ears..
"Do you want to see your room?"
She looks up at him and nods, "Yeah!"
He scoops her up again, carrying her deeper into the apartment, nudging open the door and putting her down on the bed
"This is your room." Sasuke says, "We can decorate it however you want-"
"Everything is red!" She grins, immediately starting to jump on her new bed. He doesn't stop her, instead watching fondly. He remembers doing that too, until his father would come into the room and scold him.
He guesses this is one of many ways he and father would differ in their parenting methods. Sasuke saw no problem with jumping on the bed.
"Do you like it?"
She nods, holding up her arms so he can pick her up. He hoists her onto his arm.
"I need somewhere to put my toys, though." She says seriously. Sasuke can't help but laugh at her suddenly intense expression.
"We can definitely get you someplace to put your toys." He says.
She beams.
Having Sarada with him, even for just those first few hours, brightens the space infinitely more than when he was alone. The little girl is like a small hurricane, darting in and out of every room, chasing the cat and dumping her toys and books all over the house.
Sasuke, of course, has absolutely no problem with that. He's just content to watch her go about getting acquainted with the place. She seems comfortable, and that's a relief. She immediately chooses where she wants to put her shoes, and what side of the couch she wants her favorite stuffed toy on. She shoves some of her snacks that she brought with her in the refrigerator.
She denies help when he asks if she needs help unpacking, happy to do it herself. She bounces around the apartment, putting her things away. She puts her picture books on the shelves next to his own scrolls and volumes, and he smiles gently as he watches her, entertained by his small child.
Sasuke is asked to help fold her clothes to put in her dresser, though. As they talk and she tells him stories about her friends or what she saw on the train, he just watches her, a smile on his lips.
He adores his daughter. Nothing has changed. She was still his little peanut. His baby. She was so infinitely precious to him, he couldn't even really articulate it. His chest feels tight, like he sort of wants to cry. Not out of pain, but relief.
They spend some time after that filling out a page in her coloring book that afternoon, once everything is put away and she's mellowed out a little, still excited but a bit more settled. She plops into his lap once more, waving the coloring book in his face, and he readily agrees to help her with a page before dinner.
The afternoon flies by. Sasuke guesses he really doesn't notice anything but the tiny hurricane that's taken over the apartment.
"What color should this one be?" He asks her, hugging her close and pointing to a rabbit that grins up at them blankly from the page.
"Grey?" She asks, pouting in uncertainty for a moment.
"Hm. How about...red?"
"Papa! There are no red rabbits!" She laughs.
"Who knows?" Sasuke says, ruffling her hair, "There may be, somewhere."
Obviously there weren't, but Sarada's imagination was endless, so he wasn't surprised when the little girl just nods happily and grins.
"Okay! Let's color him red!" She cheers, "He'll be really cute."
Sasuke's heart threatens to burst.
Sarada tells him she wants onigiri with dinner, and she helps him dump two cups of rice into the cooker along with some water before he asks her if she wants vegetables with dinner, fruits for dessert or both. Sasuke doesn't want her to eat too much and get sick. He still needed to learn how much she could comfortably eat. One of the technicalities of parenting, he tells himself.
"Vegetables!"
He lifts her so she can open the freezer and take out the bag of frozen vegetables, helping her open them and pour some into the steamer.
When she puts the top of the steamer back on and she's placed back on the ground, she hugs his leg and grins, "I did it!"
"Good job, peanut." Sasuke smiles, heart clenching as he fondly ruffles her hair again.
After dinner she's clearly worn out, yawning and climbing into his lap again, sleepy. He cuddles her for a moment, comforted by her familiar scent. Her scent that was always more like his own.
"Stay awake a little longer, peanut. You need a bath, then you'll go to bed."
"Mmkay…" she yawns again, perking up slightly as the cat strolls by. She pets Akumi-chan while Sasuke fills the bath for her, and he does his damnedest to keep the clingy little cat from jumping into the bath with the little girl - but ultimately fails, to his daughter's obvious amusement, judging by her laughter.
He dries Sarada and wraps her in her robe, and then turns his attention to the downtrodden looking, soggy kitten.
"I tried to warn you." He says disapproving. She just meows at him as he dries her next.
Sarada is curled up in her bed with the cat nestled next to her about ten minutes after that, yawning and reaching for Sasuke, sleepily asking him to stay until she falls asleep.
And of course Sasuke does, unable to deny his little girl anything. He gently takes off her glasses and carefully puts them on her little nightstand, taking her hand.
He stays with her, and watches over his most precious person until she falls asleep.
Sasuke kisses her forehead before he retires to his own bed.
