Tony continued talking about any and everything. Mostly though he was talking about nothing. As if babbling could make up for the panic attack Loki had just went through. Maybe it would, how would Tony know. His voice rose and fell. Sometimes it got louder. Sometimes his voice was soft as white noise. He only began to slow down when Loki finally sat up. "What happened, Reindeer Games?"
"Stark? Would you mind shutting up for even a second?" Loki wasn't going to let on that at least in part he was so terribly grateful for the inane prattling that had been going on for longer than he cared to admit. He didn't want to feel indebted just because he still couldn't quite seem to take care of himself. Now, what little bit of seider he had was so used that Loki knew he wouldn't be able to do anything with it for days. He would be alone for days.
Tony rolled his eyes as he looked down at Loki, "Fine. I'll shut up" He said it with a huff at the end. As if being quiet was asking for almost too much but he managed.
Loki nodded and scrambled out of Tony's arms. He hadn't realized until that moment how close Tony was. How close he had allowed someone to get. He didn't need some mortal hovering over him like he some injured bird. More importantly he didn't need anyone, in general, holding him. Let alone the fact that Tony had been holding him close to the oven which had helped cause his spiral in the first place. Loki leaned against the counters in the middle of the kitchen till he was as far from the open oven as he could currently get. "Firstly, would you...could you close the oven door?" He despised how much his voice trembled when he asked. Taking a deep breath Loki hoped for everything to finish calming down before he would have to say anything else.
With a groan Tony stood back up. He checked that nothing was currently in the oven, burning or otherwise. He closed the oven and turned it off for good measure. Then he turned back to Loki, "I know you said I should shut up. And I technically did that. I didn't say anything for several whole seconds. So do you think we could move this into the other room, any other room? Preferably one with chairs."
Nodding Loki carefully stood up. He leaned against the counter, trying to get his hands to calm their shaking. In trying to do that Loki nearly knocked a bowl off the counter. He flinched back toward the oven at the crash from the bowl. He froze, bit down on his tongue, and left the room. Before he left he noticed that bowl managed to somehow stay on the counter, as if that really mattered in the slightest.
Tony followed after him, "Loks, you okay?"
"I am most certainly not okay!" Loki sunk down into the leather of the couch as if he could get lucky be swallowed up whole. "I can't even bake without...without huddling up like some helpless child. Baking is supposed to be like making a potion. It's meant to be comforting and calming and skillful and freeing. But-" Loki's breathing was speeding up once more. Soon he would be hyperventilating. "But it's too mindless! My mind drifts and here I am hearing things that are not there. I am not...I'm not there. I know that. But everything the voices said are true. Or at least they are true enough. I can't change. I need to pay for what I did. Wherever I go is war, ruin, and death. It must be me, my fault, it is always my fault." The tears were rolling down Loki's face and he was having more and more trouble taking in a breath. "I should be dead instead of all of them. I can't...I cannot live like this. Without my magic."
"Whoa hold up there." Tony held up a hand as if to say stop a second time. "Okay. I thought you still had at least some of your mojo."
"It's gone. I reached out for it and it's gone."
Tony let out a breath, he was too tired for this. It was too early for this. "Maybe you just used too much at one time? Let it charge up and try again in the morning or later today or whatever. As for the voices you were hearing." He ran a hand through his hair causing it to stick out in all angles. "You're right. They aren't there. The voices, whatever they are saying, aren't there and even if they were I'm sure they're lying. You are safe here or at least I and Jarvis are trying to make sure you're safe." Tony sat down in a chair across from Loki and leaned in a bit closer. "Everything will be alright. I think it will be better after you've gotten some sleep. So you can either sleep out here or in your bedroom. Either way, if you want me to stay I will. I know what it's like to feel alone especially after a panic attack. But you're not. You're not alone. You have me and Jarvis and I'm sue there are others who care about you."
A small smile flitted across Loki's face and was gone just as quickly. He shifted around till he was comfortable on the couch. His back firmly pressed against the leather. No one and nothing could sneak up on him except maybe his own thoughts.
"Jarvis, how about some music. Something instrumental. Less workshop and more Starbucks if you know what I mean."
"Of course, sir."
Loki didn't fall asleep right away. He wasn't sure he ever completely fell asleep that night. He did rest though. His breathing evened out. His heart rate slowed down. And the voices that that seemed so loud earlier filtered away till they were distant memories. Perhaps he did sleep. But if he did, for once, he did not dream. He closed his eyes and what felt like seconds later he opened them to find he actually felt rested. The lights were dim. The music Tony had requested was still quietly playing from speakers throughout the room. Tony himself was still sitting across from him. Loki drifted back to sleep knowing that for this night he would be safe. Knowing that if something did happen someone would be there to help. For the first time in years Loki drifted to sleep with a smile.
