The Mysterious Department
Arc Three- The Mystery Deepens
Chapter Seventeen: Truths Revealed
A month. It had been a sodding month since Hermione had seen Bellatrix. The woman, if she was even in the manor, hadn't stepped a single hair out of her room and it was frankly disconcerting for Hermione. She resolved, that she couldn't just sit here and not talk to Bellatrix about the way things had ended on that cult mission.
Things at the department hadn't been the same with Bellatrix gone. Dora was less happy than usual, her pink hair a dull color. Luna was more prone to frowning when she thought Hermione wasn't looking and Blaise...well Blaise was his annoyingly good looking and optimistic self.
He had picked up quickly on what needed to be done in the department and didn't even bat an eye at the things that happened there. He and Hermione had gone on three more cases of low caliber artifacts during the past month but other than that, things were mercifully slow.
Hermione had decided to give Bellatrix some space but enough was enough. How much longer could Bellatrix stay away from them? So without telling anyone, for they would surely try to dissuade her, Hermione went to Bellatrix's room and undid the wards on the door, letting herself in without another thought.
She found the room a dreadful state. The sheets of the bed were crumpled, clothes were all over the floor and Bellatrix was in her teddy, staring out the window. She gave no indication that she had heard Hermione come in. Hermione tentatively crossed the floor, coming in halfway so as to not spook the woman.
"Bellatrix?" she softly called out and Bellatrix's head whipped to her so fast. Her hair was in tangled knots and there were bags under her eyes, her skin more pale than usual.
Her bottom lip quivered with rage when her eyes narrowed in on Hermione. Hermione's old wound twinged in reminder of the pain that sort of look was precursor to and she flinched away. Bellatrix's eyes returned to normal when she saw the flinch, and she scowled at Hermione.
"What are you doing here?" her voice was rough from disuse.
"I was worried for you, Bellatrix. I haven't seen you in months."
"What do you care?" Bellatrix shrugged in insouciance that didn't match her.
"I care because you're my partner and because we went through something that clearly traumatized you!"
"You aren't anything to me you mud bl-" Bellatrix cut herself off there, pulling on her hair. "No, no," she bemoaned, sounding so heart broken. "I thought I was getting better. It was supposed to get better!"
"Be-"
But Bellatrix grabbed a lamp off of the night stand and threw it against the wall where it shattered. "You want to know what's wrong with me?" she hollered out at Hermione like an accusation. "I'm a purist piece of shite. That's what I've been turned into, because apparently I've always been like this right from birth!"
Hermione wasn't exactly sure what was happening to Bellatrix since Kingsley was keeping mum and Luna was of no use since she couldn't research this, so Hermione had to piece her own thoughts together with scraps of evidence. She was going off of a hunch, a hunch she hoped would help her partner.
"You're not like that. You're not a racist, Bella."
It was the first time Hermione had called her that, it sort of slipping out, and it seemed to bring an emotional shift in Bellatrix at the nickname. Her face wrinkled up like she was about to cry. Instead she started screaming. "There's a part of me that is, and will always be, a pureblood fanatic!" she insisted, breathing ragged and a dark look in her eyes.
In this moment she looked a bit like a madwoman. Hermione wanted to soothe her, even as she took a step back. She raised her hands in a placating manner. "Bellatrix- you're not like that. I know you're not. It was the ring-"
"It isn't the ring's fault, Hermione," she growled. "The ring doesn't affect muggles. Do you know why? Because the ring only affects purebloods. Only makes them do these terrible things, and it's because of what we've been raised like. We've all learned from an early age to look down on others. To hate muggles. And some of us grow out of it. Learn better. Some of us don't. But whatever the outcome is, that part of that, that instilled inbred racism exists. Try as we might, we can't stamp it out." She was beating a hand to her chest, as if trying to inflict pain upon herself for admitting this.
"That's not true!" Hermione exclaimed, getting truly worried. This mission had shaken Bellatrix badly, worse than Hermione had thought. Hermione had swore to protect her, and she had failed. This was all her fault that Bellatrix was like this. Bellatrix had saved her, but she couldn't save Bellatrix. "You aren't like how you were raised. You were friends with Tom and you've traveled the muggle world and you've saved them before. You saved me before. If you hated muggles you wouldn't give a rat's arse!"
"Then why did the ring affect me? If I've changed so much?" Bellatrix poised. "It shouldn't have. I'm not how I was before."
"You said it yourself, it only affects purebloods. Maybe it doesn't matter if you've changed. It made you act like that because you're pureblood and not because of your beliefs. It's a blood artifact, Bellatrix. It can only affect people's blood."
Bellatrix shook her head. "Don't try to make me feel better. I'm a horrid person, Hermione. You don't know the things I've done. And I never wanted to...I never wanted to do it again. To be subjected to that again." Her hands balled up into fists, shaking. She sank against the wall, weak. Scared.
Hermione came up to her, crouching in front of her. Tentatively she held out her hand and placed it on Bellatrix's shoulder.
"It's going to be alright," because Hermione knew not what else to say.
Bellatrix licked her lips, looking like she was struggling to speak. "I want to...I want to hurt you even now," Bellatrix confessed in a small scared voice as Hermione held her.
"It's the ring doing this to you. It's still influencing you. It'll go away. We'll find a way to make it go away."
"What if...it doesn't?" Bellatrix's voice was small. She was staring past Hermione, eyes unfocused. "Last time, it took me years to fix myself. I hurt so many people because of it. I don't ever want to have to do that again."
"You won't have to. The ring is safely locked up where it will never hurt you again," Hermione assured, thinking she had finally succeeded in making Bellatrix calm down.
She was wrong. Within seconds, Bellatrix was scrambling up, making Hermione get up too if only to get away from her ire.
"Because of me you killed a man!" Bellatrix shrieked out, riling herself up again.
To this, Hermione openly scoffed.
"What do you take me for? I'm no innocent, Bellatrix. I've had to kill others before for the sake of justice and safety to be carried out." She crossed her arms over her chest. "I don't enjoy it, but I have to do what needs to be done. I killed him because he had killed others and he was going to kill us and many more. Killing isn't my first solution or first option for anything. But in that moment, it was the choice that needed to be made, and you didn't cause me to take it. I chose on my own."
Bellatrix looked shaken by that revelation but she powered on.
"I promised myself I would never...never go down that path ever again. And I did. I fucking did. I almost killed you," Bellatrix's voice was an aghast whisper. She curled up into an even smaller ball. Seeing the woman like this, so vulnerable, did not sit right with Hermione.
Hermione slapped her. Hard. It made Bellatrix stunned. "Don't give up. You've been in this department longer than anyone. You've survived everything that others could not. Don't let something as stupid as a ring put you down. You can fight this. Because you are a fighter. You've fought all your life and something like this won't bring you down. Because you will fight it and you will win," Hermione told her sternly.
"But please," she continued. "Don't lock us out. We all want to help you get through this. We do."
"Even if I want to hurt you?" Bellatrix asked uncertainly.
"You won't hurt me."
"How can you trust me like that," Bellatrix was aghast.
"Because you're my partner and I trust you with my life. To always save me," Hermione gave a warm and timid smile.
Bellatrix clenched her jaw, unsure on what to do. Hermione held out a hand, urging Bellatrix to take it. The woman did after some hesitation. It must have taken her getting through whatever barriers and prejudices the ring had put on her, to do so. Which already meant Bellatrix was getting better. Her skin was cold on Hermione's warm hand. "I don't want to lose you." Hermione confessed. A gut wrenching confession. More deep than she had wanted it to be.
"I don't...I don't want to be lost either," Bellatrix admitted. She closed her eyes. "But it's so hard to fight my thoughts every day. It hurts knowing I had grown out of my old ways, and now to be back in them..."
"We'll get through this, like we always do." Hermione paused, then added. "Besides, you wouldn't want your spot to be taken away by some hot shot guy, would you?"
Bellatrix's eyes blazed determination. "He better stay away from my desk, and especially my coffee mugs!"
"Then you better get well if you want to chase him away," Hermione teased and Bellatrix gave a lopsided smile to this. It was only there for a second but Hermione was filled with hope that soon, things would be back on track.
The day after that conversation, Bellatrix showed up for dinner at the table. Dora and Hermione almost couldn't believe their eyes. It was like an apparition. Bellatrix even had fixed her hair and was wearing her old clothes. There was no way to hide the gauntness of her frame and the haunted quality of her eyes but it was so good to see her.
Dora immediately hugged her and Bellatrix stood there awkwardly before returning the hug.
Bellatrix wasn't well enough for work yet, but she did sup with them at dinner each day now, making conversation to them both consciously and even smirking a couple of times at stories they told her. Both Dora and Hermione didn't mention a peep of how Narcissa was in Azkaban. Bellatrix was recovering, and she didn't need any more worries. They would get to that in their own time.
One night she knocked on Hermione's door, looking a bit uncomfortable which was an oddity for her. She strode into each room like she owned it and like she never apologized for anything.
"Hello," she said, quite formally. "I was wondering if I could have a moment of your time?"
"Certainly," Hermione said, putting the book she had been reading away. She had just finished up her studies for her afternoon classes.
"I...wanted to talk to you about what happened. I'm certain you may have a lot of questions about me and my past connections to those purists. I'm not a...foregoing person," Bellatrix started in disclaimer as she leaned against Hermione's dresser. "But I feel I owe you this much in the least."
This was it. The opening that Hermione wanted. "Will you answer anything I ask?"
"As best I can," Bellatrix said. "Somethings it would be better for you not to know the details on."
"Right," Hermione nodded, considering her questions. "What sort of treatment do they have you on?"
"Potions. Lots and lots of potions," she said with a look of disgust. "They're supposed to numb down the effects of the artifact and keep my moods stable. But who knows if they're working. I feel like I'm just poisoning my liver. Alcohol would be so much better."
A pause as Hermione decided she would just go out with it, and go for the hard questions. "Bellatrix, were you once a blood purist?"
Bellatrix's face paled but she answered through stiff lips. "Yes."
Hermione's stomach dropped. Back in the day, Voldemort's ring did not have it's artifact properties, meaning it couldn't control others. This meant that Bellatrix had fallen for his words of her own free will.
"Why?" Hermione asked in a rough whisper.
"I grew up in a pureblood household, amongst a pureblood culture. Hatred against muggles was as overt and expected as one is expected to breathe and blink. I didn't know any better for years. My parents stamped the inclination for it into all of us. Andromeda was different of course," Bellatrix gave a wry smile here. "She didn't buy into our ideology, able to resist it by who knows what means. But Narcissa and I were different. I was the eldest daughter, so I was expected to tote and promote this sort of ideology in order to prevent shame from befalling our family. And I was...proud of my ideals," a wince as Bellatrix thought back to her old self. "I was young, and reckless, and a general problem maker. I'd always been that way. Too wild for my own good. Not challenged enough in my school work at Hogwarts. But then I met him. Voldemort. He was a man with a mission that echoed what I had been raised on for so long. And since it was my duty foremost to make the family name excel I joined his cult. He had need of me. Of my power, so he swayed me to his side. He made me feel wanted and needed because of my skills and my energy. He never told me I was too much, or that I was some terrible brat. He embraced my darker sides and my faults and it made me...admire him all the more," Bellatrix's eyes were going distant as if she was reliving all this.
"You killed for him?"
Bellatrix's chin jerked upwards. "I did," she admitted, using arrogance to cover up her feelings of shame. "I did it because I thought it was what I was meant to do. And I wanted him to be happy with my work. I wanted to please him. He became to me the father figure I never truly had. And I loved him as a father."
Loving a murdering psychopath? That was a bit much to swallow. As were all the deaths Bellatrix had caused in the past. But Hermione had sensed that in the very least; she knew Bellatrix carried some burdens on her shoulders and she was too skilled with the wand to not have been in life or death matches. That admission wasn't the most jarring.
"What about your husband?"
Bellatrix narrowed her eyes at this and Hermione a touch sheepishly responded with, "I eavesdropped on you and Rodolphus."
"Of course you did," Bellatrix said with an unhappy sigh. "He and I were married briefly. We married for power because our pureblood families set us up. But then when the dark lord decreed we were to divorce, for he did not want me to be a housewife, bearing children as was my pureblood duty, but on the field as his greatest asset, I followed through on his word and Rodolphus and I were only married on paper, before I annulled the marriage entirely years later."
Bellatrix shook her head. "I'm not making excuses for what I did, or even trying to explain it. I wanted to tell you the truth. I did, horrible things in my past. A past I tried to cover up because I don't want to remember it. I am ashamed of who I was."
"Don't be too harsh on yourself," Hermione said. "We've all made mistakes."
Bellatrix thumped her fist on the dresser, startlingly Hermione. "How can you say that! I killed dozens, possible caused the deaths of hundreds of people all for a cause I was blinded to! That is not a mistake, it's a tragedy! How can you be okay with it?"
"I'm not okay with it. But there's nothing we can do about the past, can we? Voldemort was a charismatic man. He used your weaknesses against you, molded you to be who he wanted. You've come a long way from there. You saved people. So many lives. You've even saved the world thrice over."
Bellatrix snorted and gave an ugly laugh. "And what does it matter in the end? One use of that ring and I've gone back into my old ways. Even the fact I am having this conversation with a muggle in their room is making my skin crawl. And I know it shouldn't be this way, but I can't...I bloody can't help it!"
"I already told you this once, and I'll tell you this again: we're going to get through this. You were able to change once, you can do it again."
Bellatrix closed her eyes. "Last time I was like this, it took me years to change. Granted I was stubborn and I didn't seen any point in changing because I couldn't see what was wrong. But Kingsley took me under his wing, told me I had too much talent to waste on going to prison and he opened my eyes to this world. He made me realize that muggles were amazing inventors and deserved my respect. But I don't know...I don't know how long it will take again to do that. I don't want to have to go through it all again especially because now I have an idea of who wrong this all is and it's tearing me apart on the inside."
Hermione really felt for her partner's struggles but she felt useless to do anything more. This was an internal battle, one Hermione could support Bellatrix through but short of a miracle, it would be a struggle for many years to come.
"At least you don't want to kill me anymore," Hermione weakly joked, trying to ease the tension. "That has to be a start."
Bellatrix opened her eyes. "Speaking of killing, I never formally apologized to you for...hurting you. I'm not the gifting type, so let me know what you would like and I will buy it for you."
"It's alright you needn't-"
"My honor is at stake here, Hermione. Blacks have to uphold their reputation. We can't afford to be in debt to anyone. It's not the way we work."
"Oh, alright then. If you impose," Hermione said, not quite knowing what to ask for. She didn't want for anything. Except maybe an evening to get to know Bellatrix better.
"Dinner."
"Dinner?" Bellatrix blinked like Hermione was daft.
"Yes, in a nice muggle place. We just both need something to ease us from the past events." Hermione still felt bad about letting Bellatrix down but the woman had waved it all off. She did not put any blame on Hermione, but on herself.
"I knew what was going to happen. So don't be so hard on yourself. I knew and I went in and yet I still dared to hope all would work out in my favor," Bellatrix had shook her head when Hermione had brought it up after dinner several times, making sure Dora was out of earshot.
That didn't mean Hermione wasn't going to make it up to Bellatrix by being the best partner she could be.
"It is dinner then," Bellatrix said, still at odds with the idea. "Do I pick the place or...?"
"I'll send you the information. And we can pick a day mutually."
"Good night," Bellatrix said as she left, closing the door on Hermione's soft good night in response.
A/N: A lot to unpack in this one, but progress is being made steadily. Next chapter won't be as heavy.
