The biggest thanks to the people that reviewed chapter 13: MonkeyMagic, Miourf, Guest (1), Arechii (x2), Guest (2), Salma, Guest (3), yeet, FighterGirl14, Osravix. Thank you so much for your support! I hope you guys enjoy this update.

And special thanks to FighterGirl14 for leaving reviews on every single chapter like WOW! BLESS YOU SO MUCH, KIND HOOMAN!

Selena is the best pensive fish. She helped me out checking this chapter and I love her. Thank you girl!

LAWLESS


Chapter 14. Solace


Eren's hands were shaking when he splashed water on his face. He rested them on the edge of the sink while drops slid across his skin, running down his chin. He wished he had asked his former classmate if she had experienced any problems or complications during her months of pregnancy, anything that could give clues to the condition that now threatened to take her life and that of her long-awaited child. He could have offered her help before she had gotten to this point, and yet he didn't, because Hannah was young and seemed healthy, because she was glad she could conceive, and because the meeting of the previous day hadn't lasted long enough to delve into anything.

Since he acquired minimal knowledge in medicine, Eren has dedicated himself to helping one stranger after another. He acquired almost all of his practical experience and learned new things by treating the poorest at no cost, who would never have access to a true doctor, only healers without formal studies and charlatans. He saved a lot of people with whom he had no emotional bond. He even spent sleepless nights keeping people he disliked alive, because he had stipulated that in his medical oath. Because that was his job, his duty. He'd seen all kinds of people die when their sickness or wounds were too serious, or when it was too late for them.

During his first years of practice, several times he was overwhelmed by the frustration of having been unable to do more, of not having all the knowledge at hand given his lack of experience and incomplete training. And now? Now, having the damn advantage of experience and acquired knowledge, he was physically unable to do his best when someone he appreciated needed him more than ever. He wished he hadn't drank so much.

It had to be a fucking joke. A bad dream.

"Eren, are you all right?" Mikasa asked behind him, peeking through the crack in the bathroom door. "Hannah has regained consciousness. She can speak."

He wiped his face with his shirt sleeve and finally dared to observe his own reflection in the mirror. Some strands of wet hair stuck to his forehead, his brow was furrowed and the glassy appearance of his eyes gave away that he was under the influence of alcohol. The precision of his hands wasn't and wouldn't be the most appropriate for what he had to do. Nor did he consider he had the minimum mental clarity to even explain the diagnosis, or report on the difficult decision to be made and the prognosis.

After not getting an answer, Mikasa slipped into the bathroom with him.

"Eren...?"

He slowly turned his head and watched her a bit dazed, as if he were just repairing in her presence. Mikasa was wearing straight, slightly disheveled hair, unbuttoned boots and a long coat over her nightgown. She had helped him get there. He knew it even though he barely remembered running under the light drizzle and the dark sky in the early hours of the morning.

What he did remember was Franz's anguish and dismay, which Eren had come to feel as if it was his.

"Hey…"

"Hannah and her baby are going to die because of me," Eren muttered. "Look at me. Look at this," he complained, showing her his trembling hands.

"None of this is nor will be your fault. You couldn't have known," she took his hands. The warm contact lasted only a few seconds, ending in a slight squeeze and an encouraging expression. "Get out of here and do everything you can."

But he could have known... if he had asked. If only he'd been really interested.

Feeling unable to refute her, he got carried away by Mikasa to the room of the couple who owned the house. Franz stroked the forehead of a sick and weakened Hannah while hugging her protectively, sitting next to her on the bed. Eren knew this was nothing but the calm before the real storm for that small and young family.

"I have to interrupt the pregnancy," he delivered without ceremonies, breaking the silence. Without looking at the couple, he took the fetoscope he had left on a dresser and propped it hesitantly on Hannah's belly, while resting his ear on the other end. He could hear the fast beating of the little creature inside. If everything went wrong, Franz would be completely alone. "I'll perform an emergency Caesarean section."

He set the fetoscope aside and took a brief look at Mikasa, who with her arms crossed avoided looking at the object and remained expressionless in a corner of the room. Heading towards his medical bag, Eren took out the metal case that contained all the sterile instruments necessary to perform surgeries and a cloth bag filled with gauze. He approached the couple again, who remained surrounded in a kind of resigned silence, and took the thermometer that was on the nightstand. He shook it several times to make the mercury go down to the tip and put it under the armpit of the young woman instead of in the mouth.

"How do you feel?" he asked.

"I feel... nauseous," she spoke with difficulty. "And my head hurts."

"Franz, I need you to bring three containers full of water, a big empty bucket and all the clean bedding you have, fast. Mika- Margot can help you. You also have to cover your hair, nose and mouth."

Distressed, Franz nodded and separated carefully from his wife, but not before kissing her on the forehead and promising her that everything would be fine. Eren pulled a chair to the bed as soon as Franz and Mikasa left the room.

"I hate to say this, Hannah, but I'm not in the best of states," he admitted with a grimace. "And, unfortunately, neither are you."

"Am I going to die?"

Eren looked into her eyes. "…It's possible."

She let out a little sob and put a hand on her belly.

"At least save her, Eren, please."

Without responding to her request, Eren gave a slight nod, exhaled and gently removed the thermometer. She had a somewhat higher temperature than normal. Asking for permission, he uncovered her and lifted her shirt while helping her spread her legs. As he feared, there were bright red spots on both the bed and underwear.

"I'm bleeding?"

"Yes," Eren clenched his jaw. "I'm going to cut your underwear now, okay? It is so that it doesn't interfere with the surgery. I don't want you to make any effort. I'll anesthetize you in a few minutes," he looked at her again and recognized a shimmer of courage in her weary and teary eyes, that special glow that he remembered seeing in the eyes of his own agonizing mother. "Resist everything you can, Hannah."

"I will."

The difference was that Hannah wasn't agonizing. She still had chances of survival.

Eren grabbed the scissors, carefully stretched the garment away from the freckled skin and began to cut. His hands were shaking a little and he didn't feel as skilled or safe as always, but he still managed to cut the garment and remove it without hurting her and without her having to move more than necessary. He stood up and covered Hannah above the knees with the bed comforter, so she wouldn't feel so cold. He cut the shirt of her camisole and rolled it just below her breasts, leaving the bulky white belly completely exposed.

"I feel... so much nausea," Hannah said with a grimace of pain and disgust.

Eren took a small metal trash can and put it under Hannah's chin just in time. As soon as she vomited, her head fell sharply on the pillow. Eren set the pot aside and wiped her mouth with a piece of cloth. Suddenly, the young woman's body stiffened. In less than a second she began to shake with violent spasms. She was convulsing. Eren grabbed a leather strip and put it between her teeth to prevent her from biting her tongue. Her arms and legs contracted and stretched. Franz and Mikasa returned shortly before Hannah's body stopped shaking.

"Hannah!"

Franz dropped one of the pots full of water, wetting part of the floor and the clean bedding he brought, which also ended up on the floor and tangled him up in his race towards his beloved. Eren could sense his own pulse in his ears. It was time to act, whether he felt ready or not, otherwise that man would end up all alone. Mikasa held Franz so he wouldn't interrupt him and Eren's stomach knotted.

Eren checked the unstable vital signs of Hannah, who remained unconscious after the eclampsia. He knew that the chances of the girl surviving were low, and they could get lower after the C-section was performed to at least save the child. He covered his hair and mouth, quickly washed his hands in one of the pots of water that Mikasa had left beside him and soaked the gauze with alcohol, liquid with which he also sterilized his hands. There was no time to anesthetize.

"Eren, what's going on?" Franz pleaded in the middle of a desperate cry. "Please tell me what's happening to her!"

"Eclampsia. It's very serious," he muttered, closing his eyes for a few moments and clenching his eyelids. He inhaled, cleaned an area of skin with the gauze and grabbed the scalpel with determination. He tried to convince himself that he would make the cuts properly to reach the baby, without ruining the procedure, without making mistakes that could cost two lives. No, three lives, and all under a compelling reality in which every second that passed was precious and vital. "We must prepare for the worst."

It was now or never.

He slid the scalpel through the skin between the navel and the onset of pubic hair. He managed to make an almost straight horizontal incision and could see the yellowish layers of subcutaneous fat. Feeling his head rumble, Eren separated the skin with his fingers and cut the thin membrane between the abdominal muscles to separate them. The throbbing and bright uterus entered the scene and that was when he realized that he was copiously sweating.

I can do it. I can do it, he repeated, infusing himself with the courage to make the last cut. He implored for his hands to not fail him and for him to not get to hurt the baby with the scalpel. I have to do it.

Through a lapse Eren worked mechanically and, from one moment to another, he was holding a purple little girl in his arms. It moved slowly and with little energy, but it moved. The baby started whining as soon as Eren wiped her tiny nose and checked her mouth. He cut the umbilical cord, knotted it on the tiny belly and threw the placenta into an empty bucket.

"It's a girl," he announced, and he could perceive some relief in his own voice.

Eren laid the baby on the bed with a lot of care and auscultated the beating of her heart, resting the circular end of the stethoscope on her narrow ribcage. His ears immediately got filled by quick and very youthful heartbeats. Healthy palpitations, full of energy and life. Eren's lips stretched in a fleeting smile. He covered the girl with a sheet and quickly washed his hands in a water container, dried them and bathed them in alcohol to begin repairing the incisions he'd made. Hannah was still alive, but she didn't regain her consciousness yet. It was then when Eren realized Franz had said nothing and that if it wasn't for the whining of the newborn the room would be in total silence.

"You can take her, Franz. You must do it. Wash your hands and wrap the baby in something clean."

It was fortunate that the baby was practically fully developed, otherwise everything would have been even more complicated.

"He fainted," Mikasa said.

Of course. Poor Franz.

Eren looked at the kid sideways, whose little body was already shivering because of the cold in between each whimper. Shit.

"Could you hold the baby? It needs to be in someone's arms and get warm."

"… Me?" she questioned, her voice an octave higher than normal. "But I... I've never held a baby. I can't-"

The newborn interrupted her with a scream. It weeped harder, as if she understood her refusal.

"Mikasa, please" Eren requested impatiently, trying to stay focused on doing the sutures as quickly as possible. He could feel his shirt stuck to his body, damp and annoying. "You just have to wash your hands and take it with something clean."

He heard a short splash and then some hesitant steps. The girl disappeared from his field of vision while he finished stitching the last layer, the skin.

"W-what if I drop it?"

"That's not going to happen," he said, lowering the kerchief on his face. He gave her a somewhat stiff and awkward smile in a clumsy attempt to ease her fears, but Mikasa's face reflected pure terror.

Eren returned his attention to the patient as he frowned. He could perceive a growing sense of guilt that he tried to shoo away. He knew he shouldn't have pressured Mikasa to take care of the baby, but there was no alternative left and he couldn't focus on that or keep talking to her. Not now. His priority was to keep Hannah alive.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Mikasa was sitting on the glossy wooden floor, her legs crossed. According to Eren she wouldn't let the baby fall, but she wasn't so sure. The delicate creature had stopped crying, only sometimes she let out soft whimpers. She emitted minimal heat. Her fragility, low weight, and size made Mikasa feel clumsy. She didn't know whether to hold it with a little more or a little less firmness, or how to place it correctly between her arms so that it was comfortable. Meanwhile, Franz laid on the floor where she herself had left him. The poor guy got a syncope as soon as he saw Eren cut open his wife's belly. Mikasa was already used to seeing cuts, other people's blood and worse, although witnessing a caesarean section was undoubtedly a rather peculiar experience.

She gazed at Eren, who took care of Hannah with the same or bigger dedication and concentration with which she'd seen him work on previous occasions, except this time he was tense and somewhat obfuscated. He was frowning and his forehead was beaded with sweat, which reflected the artificial light of the room. Anyone who saw him wouldn't imagine that he was drunk, they'd think he was only overwhelmed by the situation. Fortunately, it seemed like the worst was over.

Mikasa noticed it had already begun to dawn. Despite her wrinkled red face and her whimpering, the newborn seemed fine. She didn't know about babies at all, but she sensed that it was healthy. She saw her slowly move her head and lips as if it was looking for something. Something in Mikasa, in her body, in her... breasts. She blinked and let out an 'ah' as she realized what was going on, what else could it be? The baby was hungry, it needed milk and only her mother could give that to it. She wanted to tell Eren, but he was very busy and focused on alternating the auscultation of Hannah's heartbeat with the stethoscope and taking her pulse, pressing two fingers on her wrist and keeping his eyes fixed on the pointers of his pocket watch. She couldn't interrupt him.

During that lapse, a disoriented Franz woke up at last. He straightened without much agility until he sat on the floor and babbled behind the handkerchief that covered his nose and mouth:

"I-is that my...?" he widened his eyes, pointing at the small lump Mikasa was holding.

"Yes, she is your daughter," she said, immediately bringing the baby closer for him to take it.

Franz seemed about to pass out a second time, so Mikasa shook her head and returned the baby to her chest in a protective gesture.

"Get up, go wash your face and hands and take some air so you can come to your senses," her voice was cold and bossy. She couldn't help it.

Franz nodded without questioning her tone. When he stood up, he was stunned by the gaunt vision of his wife.

"Eren... Is Hannah-?" his voice broke. He cleared his throat to continue speaking, but a sob escaped him and he was unable to say anything else.

"She is alive," Eren answered immediately, wiping the sweat from his forehead with his uncovered forearm. "And... so far everything's gone been better than I thought. I think Hannah will be fine. Her blood pressure has normalized."

Franz cried in relief and thanked Eren nonstop for saving the love of his life. At the same time the baby started crying loudly, calling everyone's attention.

"I think she's hungry," Mikasa said above the crying.

Eren let out a swear.

"Of course she's hungry, I'm an idiot..." he made a quick gesture at Mikasa for her to come closer. "Can you bring her to me, please?"

She handed the baby carefully. As soon as her arms were empty again, she felt cold. She put her hands in the pockets of her coat, pressed her arms on both sides of her body and sat back on the floor, leaning her back against the wall and crossing her legs. Franz had left the room at some point, undoubtedly to wash his hands and face as she'd told him. Eren, on the other hand, had accommodated the baby on Hannah's bosom so she could nurse from one of her breasts.

Mikasa sighed and hugged her knees. For the first time in her life she'd witnessed a birth, and it hadn't even been one that could be considered conventional. Eren had had to cut open an unconscious woman and tear the baby straight from the insides. In a way, and despite his care, it all felt somewhat violent. That little girl had been forced to be born early and Hannah had to receive a deep wound. The price to pay could have been much higher... but a premature birth, the pain of a wound and the subsequent scar seemed a more than fair price in exchange for saving the life of mother and daughter.

A little girl forced to leave the mother's warm womb to suddenly face the cold and cruelty of a world until then unknown. A mother who, in order to protect her daughter, is willing to end up hurt and even die trying...

Mikasa shuddered. She thought... no, she felt she knew a quite similar story. Franz's anxious and heavy steps prevented her from delving into that last thought. A shiver went through her, like someone who's saved by a hair's breadth from falling down a cliff.

"May l…?" Franz asked with some urgency.

"Sure, sit here" Eren pointed to the chair he'd been sitting on. "You can hold the baby and talk to Hannah. She's already waking up. I've injected her something for the pain."

Mikasa watched Franz holding his newborn daughter. She heard him whisper a couple of things to her and to his wife, who blinked with difficulty and looked dazed. The young man had his face soaked with tears of relief and joy. Hannah smiled faintly when he showed her their daughter. Franz's face showed excitement and pride. He wore a smile from ear to ear. It was undoubtedly a touching scene, of such beauty that it inspired nostalgia for Mikasa. Her eyes stung.

Eren advanced at a heavy pace and dropped down beside her, evidently exhausted. He was no longer sweating like before but his shirt was moist. He'd get cold if he didn't change it soon.

"Tell me I'm not dreaming," he said out of a sudden in a low voice, his eyes fixed on the lovely family in front of them.

Mikasa pinched his leg.

"Ouch! Hey-!" Eren rubbed his thigh and gave her a dramatic look, as if she'd just killed a puppy or something of a similar level of monstrosity.

"You aren't dreaming," Mikasa whispered with a small smile. "You saved an entire family."

Eren returned her a crooked, insecure smile.

"So it seems. But I don't know... it's just that... I think it's too good to be true."

When mother and daughter slept, Franz went to Eren and lavished his thanks for the umpteenth time that morning. He also offered them the guest room so they could take a more than deserved rest. Mikasa agreed, Eren needed to sleep. At first he refused, as expected, but there wasn't much else to do apart from tidying up and emptying and cleaning the buckets. Hannah's vital signs had stabilized, but Franz would also keep an eye out and warn them in case a problem arose.

The simple guest room had a double bed, next to whose head was a dresser with a gas lamp. In one of the corners was a chair, on top of which Franz had left a change of clothes for both Eren and Mikasa. She'd gotten there in nothing more than her nightgown, boots and long coat, so Hannah's skirt, shirt, and sweater were more than welcome for when she would have to go outside again in broad daylight and to avoid curious looks.

Mikasa opened the blankets and sat on the bed. She'd already taken off her coat, boots and socks. She put her cold feet under the sheets and covered herself up to her hips. She sat there, resting her back on the pillows and the back of the bed. She filled her lungs with air and tried to mentally prepare herself about the fact that Eren would arrive at any moment and get into the same bed. She tried to convince herself there was nothing wrong with that because they were just pretending to be a couple and that, if Franz came to wake Eren, he couldn't catch her sleeping on the floor or in the chair at the corner. It would be weird, after all they were supposed to be very much in love. Also, Mikasa would be cold anywhere other than the bed. All in all, sleeping apart for this time wasn't a good idea. Although sleeping in the same bed with Eren wasn't a good idea either. It was a very bad idea, actually, but she'd do it just for today. Luckily - yes, luckily – poor Eren was wiped out, so he'd surely fall asleep as soon as he went to bed and both would save themselves some awkward moments.

Mikasa contained a gasp of surprise when he entered the room smelling of soap, dressed in a light blue cotton shirt and pants as pajamas. His hair was disheveled and a bit wet, and his chest and shoulders were splashed with water drops. His eyelids were half-dropped as a result of fatigue, but he still seemed somewhat more awake and lively than before he got a bath. A lazy smile hung on his lips and, to cap it all, he looked very handsome. Mikasa would have preferred that Eren smelt of rancid sweat mixed with alcohol and that he walked like an old decrepit man. Unfortunately, life hated her and he approached the other side of the bed with a laid-back attitude, as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

Why?

Why didn't he just pass out from fatigue at once?

Eren got into bed without hesitation. At first Mikasa thought that he would drop abruptly, but he did it carefully. He covered himself with the blankets up to his armpits, face up, and gave her a glazed and somewhat reddened look.

"I'm still a little drunk and dehydrated," he touched his throat. "I just drank like a liter of water. I swear that today I sweated as if I had done one of those bone-crushing Levi's trainings."

"You did a very good job," Mikasa tried to sound as casual as he did. "You should make the most of resting and sleeping. You know, in case of anything."

"You did a good job too."

"Thank you."

She didn't think she had done well with the baby, but she wouldn't discuss it with him. The less chattering, the better.

Fall asleep, Eren. Please.

"Why are you sitting? It's cold, you should get into bed."

Mikasa already felt her arms and hands cold. She looked at the front wall. The wall paper had faded floral patterns.

"I'm comfortable like this. I'm not cold."

Eren said nothing about it, but Mikasa could feel his gaze at an almost physical level and couldn't help but blush a little. Her breathing became shallow, while her heart beat faster. She heard Eren chuckle after a while.

"Seriously, you should get into bed and cover up. It's... way too obvious you're cold."

Mikasa frowned.

"I already told you that I'm not cold," she snapped in a defensive bad mood despite her colored cheeks. How was it going to be obvious? He hadn't even touched her icy hands.

"Mikasa..." he continued with a slight tongue-in-cheek tone. "The fabric of your camisole isn't thick enough."

"And? I'm fine."

Eren fell silent. He waited several seconds before asking with some weariness:

"Why do you lie about something so silly?"

She turned to him, fighting the urge to cover his face with the blanket for him to stop looking at her.

"I'm not lying. It's enough. Sleep."

"Seriously? Mikasa, please, I can see that you are cold," he said, raising his eyebrows and pointing at her.

Mikasa glanced down and... and she could notice her cold protruding like two rigid tips that crowned her breasts. All the blood in her body rose to her face and ears. Her left hand grabbed one of the pillows and smacked Eren with it in an outburst that was a mixture of embarrassment, annoyance and everything she didn't want to think about or even mention.

Eren let out a groan because of the blow. He had protected his face halfway with one arm.

"Alright. Alright. I guess I deserved it, but it's really nothing from another world. It happens to all of us," he said amused. He put both forearms before his face, anticipating another possible attack. "It's a normal physiological reaction to the cold and... to other things. I've studied it. I deduce yours is nothing but cold because it seems that-" Eren stopped and Mikasa felt again under intense scrutiny. "You're obviously not excited about having to share a bed with me."

Mikasa got into the blankets brusquely without saying anything. She covered herself up to her red ears and turned her back on Eren, trying to move as close as possible to the edge of the bed and as far away from him. His attitude had ended up making her more nervous than she already was and that last comment caused a violent flutter in her stomach. She was afraid to assume and think again about things that weren't what she thought they were. She'd had enough with the first time he'd looked at her tits while they had breakfast and then asked her to 'sleep together', and all because he simply didn't want to be alone after what he discovered about the Royal family and his dad... Not because he wanted something with her. Now Eren was exhausted and drunk. It was so clear he only talked and did nonsense that deep down he didn't want to say or do, everything because of the alcohol.

But even though Eren was drunk and talked nonsense, one had to consider he had a very long and stressful night. Mikasa began to regret hitting him with the pillow, regardless of her annoyance and awkwardness... Perhaps she'd reacted in an impulsive and exaggerated manner and, in the end, it hadn't been so bad. Eren had been right about her being cold and, as he'd said, it was normal for her body to react the way it did... Whatever. He'd looked at them anyway. Mikasa shrank in a fetal position and Eren shifted at her side.

"Mikasa, I'm sorry." He no longer sounded amused in the slightest. "Being drunk and happy is no excuse to get a little… shameless? Sorry for looking at your… uh…"

"Forget it," Mikasa muttered.

"Slap me if you want. Hit me with the pillow again."

"Eren..."

"Listen, I know I must seem like an idiot, but I'm being serious. I didn't want to offend you or anything, or make you feel uncomfortable. I feel comfortable with you when you don't get like this, elusive and weird." She heard him grumble at what he'd said. "Wait, that doesn't sound good. Not that you're weird, okay? Argh, nevermind. My brain got stunted or something. Lucky thing I got stunted now and not when I was doing Hannah's surgery... I honestly have no idea how I did that. Glad to have been helpful, at least. And, I don't know, I never imagined that I would attend to the labor of a girl I'd known since I was a child, and it's very nice but also... I don't know, now that I think about it, it's a bit awkward? I mean in general it isn't, it's part of my job, what happens is that I'm realizing that I cut the panties of a former classmate off and then I opened her belly with a scalpel and that, at the moment of doing it, it didn't seem strange in the slightest. And it's like that in all those moments but, if you think about it..." He let out a weary sigh. "Anyway. Being a doctor is complicated... you get to a point where you forget or downplay certain situations that under other contexts would be embarrassing and you act like a machine, knowing exactly what you have to do..." the mattress trembled slightly. "Sorry... I'm talking a lot and maybe I'm not even making sense."

Mikasa turned on herself and dared to look Eren in the eye. Both were in fetal position, separated by several centimeters. He had respected the distance she had imposed and watched her with his pretty green eyes, wide open and bright.

"It's alright," she said, relaxing and softening her own expression. She felt her lips stretch into a smile as she thought about everything Eren had said. It caused her a sense of indescribable tenderness. "If... you really want to talk, then talk about everything you want."

He blinked and his lips parted. To Mikasa's surprise, Eren seemed to get embarrassed suddenly and evaded her gaze completely.

"I think... it's not a good idea," he said in a low voice. "I better shut up and fall asleep. You were right. I should try getting some rest."

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

It was almost eight in the morning when he lazily went down the stairs. Each step creaked under his weight as he yawned and rubbed his eyes. There was a pleasant smell of wood, bread and scrambled eggs that whetted his appetite. In the kitchen he met his mother, who drank tea and gazed at the rain through the window. She was holding an open book and her eyes were swollen and red.

"Mom…?" He called her, hesitant.

"Good morning, Eren." She greeted him with a small smile and a tone much less lively than usual. She glanced at the wall clock on the other side of the house. "How is it you're up so early?"

"I don't know, I couldn't keep sleeping."

"Are you hungry? There are eggs and sausages for breakfast, how much do you want?"

"One of each one. I am not thaaat hungry."

"You want bread?"

"Yeah, just a piece."

Carla folded the corner of one of the book's pages and set it aside to prepare breakfast. Eren looked for a clean cup on a shelf, put it on a plate and carefully took the porcelain teapot where they soaked tea. He poured the liquid inside the cup, as he had been taught: pressing the tip of the lid with a finger so that it didn't fall. He only managed to fill half of his cup with what was left of tea, which besides was cold. He drank it all in one sip.

"There's no tea left…" he complained. "I'll boil more water."

His mother dried a tear and turned to him.

"I'll do it, wait at the table. The fire is very strong and you can get burned. Don't you prefer a cup of hot milk? I forgot to tell you that I bought milk, I'm going to boil you a little."

Eren sat at the table and looked at her with apprehension.

"Mom, are you alright?"

Her forehead wrinkled at his question. Then she smiled. Her eyes, however, remained troubled.

"Yes, Eren. Everything's fine…" she bit her lip and her smile disappeared. "I'm touched by the book I'm reading. It's very tragic, you know?"

Eren grimaced and shrugged. He wasn't interested in learning about tragic stories.

Adults were very weird. Why read things that make them sad? Did they like to suffer or what? Well, it seemed so. He preferred to read stories about strong characters who fought monsters, helped the weakest and embarked on interesting adventures. Those stories at least made you feel nice things and were fun, they didn't make you whine while you were alone in a kitchen at eight in the morning.

After breakfast he changed his clothes and went out to play with Armin. The first thing he did was tell him how silly he thought all this tragedy and pointless suffering was. That he really couldn't understand that his mom cried so much for something that wasn't even real.

"Maybe she's reading a tragic love story. My dad also liked to read those," Armin threw a stone into the river with all his strength, which wasn't much.

"What?! Did your dad also whimper with those stories?" The question came out more grumpy than he expected.

"Yeah, at least a little... Now that I remember, he exchanged books with your mother."

Eren wrinkled his nose.

"I never saw them exchanging books," it wasn't that he'd seen much of Armin's parents.

Armin took two handfuls of stones from his pocket and gave a few to Eren, who had already thrown all his own.

"I was always aware of my parents when they came to visit," said Armin, trying to conceal his bitterness. "I missed them."

Eren glanced at him. He didn't like to see his friend down.

"Adults are dumber than us."

Armin nodded with a smile, gained momentum and managed to throw the stone farther than the last one Eren had thrown, who ended up astonished.

After a long while when they both played and talked on the riverbank, they said goodbye and each of them went to their own home. Armin had to go help his grandfather to cook and Eren help his mother with everything that didn't include cooking. The first and last time he tried to cook something he made a mess, and also burned one of his fingers and almost sliced another.

"The stew is almost ready," Carla announced, wiping her hands on her apron. "Can you set the table?"

"Yeah."

Eren began by removing the vase full of languid flowers and left it on top of another piece of furniture. He had arranged the cutlery and plates for two places on the table when his mother spoke.

"Three places, Eren, please. Your father... doesn't work this afternoon."

The pause and the tremor in her voice didn't go unnoticed by the child.

Lunch that day was quite strange. His parents exchanged a few sad looks and tense silences. Sulking, Eren also barely kept quiet just because he wasn't sure what could be going on. He wanted to ask, but there was something stopping him. On any other occasion he would have bombarded them with questions just to know what it was that had them acting like this. Without finding another explanation, at that time his childish mind ended up coming to the conclusion that his parents had read the same tragic book. And in a way, it had been like that.

In the end it wasn't about fiction, but about a very real tragedy.

The day before that peculiar lunch, his father had told him that the family that lived in the mountains of Shiganshina had moved far away from there, and Eren had gotten bothered mostly because his mother sewed a rag doll that wasn't going to be delivered. The ten-year-old Eren had no idea of anything and hadn't imagined that all the affliction was related to the cruel fate of that unknown family, who "had moved far away" and, therefore, they couldn't go to visit as they had agreed in the beginning. His father got a free afternoon for that precise reason.

It took a decade for Eren to find out the true story, point-blankly, through a posthumous letter. Only years later did he understand that the cause of his mother's tears and his father's low spirits had been the murder of the Ackermans and the concern for the girl who had been orphaned.

A wave of restlessness invaded Eren when he contemplated Mikasa, who was gently stroking the nose of the horse that would take them to the very place where she had lost her family.

It had been two days since the caesarean section to Hannah, since he and Mikasa had slept a brief but recuperative nap together in the guest's room. Franz had insisted so much on paying Eren for his help that Mikasa intervened accepting the money for him, and then reintroduced it into one of Franz's pockets without him realizing anything. Eren got so fascinated by her ability that he made a mental note of asking her to teach him to do the same. When they finally found themselves facing the blinding brightness of the day, they walked to Armin's house holding hands. Neither of them commented anything, each moved immersed in their own thoughts. The only verbal exchange between the two occurred when they found Armin scattered on the same couch in which he had fallen asleep because of his drunkenness. Eren immediately checked his friend's vital signs, but everything was fine and he woke up a while later complaining about how much his head ached.

"Are you completely sure you want to make this trip?"

Mikasa stopped stroking the horse and rolled her eyes.

"Yes, I'm completely sure," she answered, exasperated. "How many more times are you going to ask me the same thing? You don't stop doing it since yesterday."

"Alright. I won't ask you any more," Eren said, pretending to be very busy unwinding and wrapping his red scarf around his neck again. It was obvious Mikasa didn't appreciate his concern for her, so he wasn't going to explain it to her. "Let's go before it gets later."

"You're the one who doesn't want to make the trip. I can go alone, no problem," she extended a hand towards him. "You just have to give me the map, the compass and that's it."

Eren snorted.

"Are you crazy? I won't let you go alone. And it's not that I don't want to go, it's that…"

The owner of the stable grouched and they both looked at him with raised eyebrows.

"Sorry to interrupt your newlywed's bickering, but I'll need this horse back at the latest tomorrow at nine o'clock," he said with bad grace, scratching his leafy beard and handing Eren a dirty piece of paper signed as proof of rent of the animal.

"We'll be here much sooner," Eren answered keeping the paper, while Mikasa grumbled something under her breath.

The man grouched again and pointed towards the sky, to the south.

"That is if a storm doesn't catch you."

He had to be kidding. In the sky there was one or another cloud and it was freezing. Unless the old man was being figurative. Eren took a quick glance at Mikasa and bit his tongue before another 'are you sure…?' question came out.

He had purposely avoided telling Armin that he slept with Mikasa in the same bed at Franz and Hannah's house, for he no longer knew how he would react to his friend's annoying implications regarding everything that had to do with her. Especially after his little number with that about the reactions to the cold, and his stupid comment about her not seeming excited to share a bed with him. He had behaved like an idiot and just remembering it made him want to wrap the scarf around his head so Mikasa didn't have to see his face. He wouldn't be surprised if she ended up offended forever by his stares and unwise comments. Fortunately he had shut up on his own, or who knows if he would have said or done something even more stupid.

Now he just hoped that during this trip his most reasonable side reigned before the impulsive one - the one that pushed him to act in ways never seen before in front of a woman. It was necessary to keep his best judgment, especially considering the nature of the trip and its relevance to Mikasa.

They were at the exit of the urban area of Shiganshina, in the stable that Levi had previously recommended to Eren. Much of the rural road was steep, made of clay and stones, so it wasn't suitable for a carriage or a cart to go through it. Besides that, according to what Levi had explained, at some point the road disappeared and became an open field, perfect for riding on a horse. The idea had been to lease two horses, but in the stable there was only one horse big, strong and capable of undertaking that trip with two humans plus a light load on it. The other available horse was an old and skinny male, who could only ride on flat terrain and short distances.

Eren was the first to climb Magnus's mount. Then he helped Mikasa, who would sit behind him. He reflexively contracted his abdomen when her arms circled his waist. It wasn't the firm grip Eren had anticipated, but rather a loose one, as if Mikasa was avoiding to press herself too much to him. Ignoring the feeling of disappointment, he held the reins with one hand and with the other one took out Levi's map. He extended it with a couple of jerks and checked it, even though he almost knew it by memory. The road was easy, he just needed to be aware of the reference points and the compass. He noticed Mikasa tried to peek on the map over his shoulder.

"All ready?" Eren asked, keeping the map in the front pocket of his brown coat. "Check that the cargo ties are firm."

"I checked them before I got on."

"Well, then let's go."

More and more breeze began to crash against them as the horse trotted lightly. Eren hid his mouth and nose behind his scarf. One of the landmarks was a small, pointy and isolated hill to the west, which was where they should go. They found some cabins scattered here and there at the beginning but they were falling behind, closer to the urban area, as they approached their destination. The Ackermans used to live somewhere quite apart. Eren drove the horse in a northwest direction until they ran into a thick and old cut down tree, another one of the landmarks. When they entered a grove they followed a path, which would have been swallowed by nature if it weren't because the hunters that went up the mountain continued using it.

"What was that about you coming alone?" Eren asked, tilting his head slightly to the side and back. "Weren't we supposed to go everywhere together? The other day you lectured me for going out alone and now you didn't even hesitate about the idea of leaving me around in that stable. Evil Rod Reiss could've kidnapped me later and cut me into small pieces."

"I wasn't serious," Mikasa replied after a while.

"Huh, to me it seemed that you were serious."

"I was angry, okay? I say nonsense when I'm in a bad mood."

"And why were you in such a bad mood? You couldn't sleep last night?"

"I don't know if you're asking me seriously or if you're just bothering me," she murmured, and Eren wondered if she was looking at the back of his neck with narrowed eyes. "But I slept for several hours last night, thanks. I think you are more anxious than me considering all the times you asked me if I was sure to come. You remind me of Levi who thinks I won't be able to… bear this. It's irritating."

"I doubt that it has to do with whether or not you are able to bear it," he said, shaking his head. "It has nothing to do with strength or weakness… I think that both of us rather worry about you feeling bad, you suffering… But it doesn't matter how much we worry, because in the end you are extremely stubborn."

Mikasa's arms tightened slightly around his waist and she remained silent for a few minutes. If it weren't for the squeeze, Eren would have thought he had screwed up and said something he shouldn't have again.

"It doesn't matter if I suffer," she said with a barely audible voice. "I feel like I have to do it, Eren."

He didn't agree that it didn't matter if she suffered, but Eren rested a hand on Mikasa's forearm anyway.

"I understand," he said, before withdrawing his hand and holding the reins again.

Levi had described him the appearance of a large, somewhat ruined and abandoned two-story cabin, that was about a kilometer away from the site where Mikasa's old home should have been, if it continued to exist. A few minutes after passing the cabin in question, they ran into a small area bounded by sparse vegetation and patches of soil. The grass and weeds were much shorter compared to the rest of the surroundings. There were some pieces of charred wood scattered at different points deliberately. A circle of rocks of about a meter in diameter ended up confirming that they were in the right place. In total, the journey had taken them an hour.

They descended from the horse and Eren tied it to the narrow trunk of a tree near an area with tall, fresh grass. Mikasa, apparently serene, poured water from one of the goatskin flasks into a dented pot for Magnus to drink.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

A strong wind made her hair flutter, hit her face and didn't allow her to see the ground in front of her. She had tried to control her breathing and stay calm all the way there on horseback, which seemed to have worked better than expected. Maybe this wouldn't be as difficult and painful as she thought it would be. She couldn't even recognize the surroundings... It was as if she was there for the first time. It didn't feel like a return.

Her old home, the cabin she had grown up in, no longer existed. There was only soil and weeds where her mother's beautiful vegetable garden should have been. Mikasa also couldn't identify contours that seemed familiar in the mountainous landscape that surrounded her. Strangely, the fresh perfume from the fir forest also proved unable to awaken in her a sense of belonging to that place.

She stroked Magnus's soft, warm head until he began to graze. Mikasa set aside the pot and, without returning Eren's gaze, went to the place where she was supposed to have lived, slept, laughed, ate, was loved and happy with her parents. Levi had admitted that he burned the cabin because it had been desecrated and contaminated to an irremediable level. The corruption wasn't erased or disappeared no matter how much he scrubbed the floor, or how much he tried to repair what had been broken. The murderers had committed an act so barbaric and unforgivable that, in his opinion, it was best to purify it by fire. But Levi not only referred to the cabin, he also pointed out with repressed anger and pain that, on the day the traffickers took Mikasa's parents' lives, they also stripped her of her innocence and joy.

She recalled the brief but crucial conversation she had with her cousin just the day before the trip with Eren to Shiganshina. Levi apologized for burning her old home, despite having made his reasons so clear that Mikasa had no reason to be angry or offended because of it. Levi had only had good intentions, and she knew it and thanked him.

"... I took out the bodies of the traffickers and threw them into the forest. At least they served as carrion for the wolves," Levi's voice echoed in her head, as if he were talking to her right now. "Then I dug the grave where I buried your parents together. This was a few meters from the cabin, near the forest. I spent almost all day looking for stones. I stacked all the ones I found on the grave in a circle to form a mound... and then I covered it with flowers."

The mound was still there, covered with dust, some branches and a pair of feathers. Several of the lighter and smaller stones had rolled. The rain, the wind and the animals that lived in the surroundings had messed them up. Beside her, Eren spoke quietly.

"Do you want me to help you?" he asked. "Unless... you prefer to do it alone."

Mikasa carefully observed all the stones that had been scattered. It would take more time but she wanted to do all of that alone and with the solemnity that any funeral ritual deserves. She wanted to feel as if she was burying the bodies of her parents. The sun's position in the sky showed it was just noon. She had enough time. If it got late or the weather got complicated, considering the comment of the owner of the stable and the black clouds that only now she could notice were approaching, then they could seek refuge in the abandoned cabin until everything passed.

"Thank you, Eren," she said as she bent down to pick up the first stone and took it to her chest for a moment. "But I need to do it alone."

He nodded kindly and stepped away, giving her more space and privacy.

Stone by stone Mikasa returned the form to the mound. Stone by stone she felt more and more the weight and hardness of her loss. Her parents were buried right down there. There was nothing left of them but bones, while she was still breathing and moving on the surface. Her heart was still beating. Her whole body still felt, bled and hurt.

Unlike them, Mikasa lived.

And she was no longer the little girl they had raised and met, she had grown up. Maybe she was even taller than Mom now... would she look much more like her, now that she was older?

Her eyes stung. Her vision turned as blurred as the memory of her parents' face. A wail sprouted in her chest, rose through her throat and escaped her lips. She covered her mouth with dirty hands to catch the next. She'd crumbled and fell to her knees on the ground, she had no idea when.

Would the bones of that brother who didn't manage to be born be also there? There, between mom's ribs, there must be tiny bones. That boy... Yes, boy, because mom always sensed he would be a boy. That child hadn't experienced what it was to breathe. He hadn't known what the scent of flowers was in the middle of spring. He hadn't felt the heat of the sun or the freshness of the wind. He had never seen the face of mom, dad, much less hers, his older sister. He failed to experience how peaceful it was to be in someone's arms, nor was he blessed by a caress or a kiss from the parents who longed so much for him to come. He hadn't managed to babble his first words, take his first steps, run, jump, laugh or dance with joy. Neither shout nor cry at the top of his lungs with a red face, just as Hannah's baby had done.

Mikasa wondered if Grisha Jaeger could have at least managed to save her brother, like Eren had saved little Liesel.

She wondered if taking her brother in her arms would have felt like when she took Liesel. If she'd panic at the thought of him slipping and falling from her arms to the floor. If she'd feel as much or even more clumsy when holding such a fragile and defenseless creature. Would she have cried with emotion? Perhaps she would have. She hadn't forgotten she had so eagerly waited for him that surely she would have started crying, unable to contain her joy and enthusiasm to finally meet him.

But life had dictated death and Mikasa had lost everything she had in a matter of seconds, minutes. She had lost even what she hadn't had and, although she never had it, she missed it. She longed for it, just as she longed to clearly remember the appearance of her parents. She was terrified of the mere idea of completely forgetting their faces.

Mom's caresses and kisses, dad's hugs and fun swinging... would it fade away like the rest of her fragile memories? What about their voices and all the things they had ever told her?

Breathing was becoming difficult. She pressed both hands against her chest while sobbing. It hurt. It hurt so much. She jerked up when she felt a hand leaning on her back, but relaxed when she realized it was only Eren.

He was there with her. She wasn't completely alone.

"Mom had black hair... like mine," she stammered with a tarnished and lost look, breathing through her mouth. "Her eyes were also dark but smaller, I think. Everyone said that I looked a lot like her," a tremulous smile was drawn on her lips. "With... with everyone I mean dad, Levi and Doctor Jaeger."

Mentioning that only made her sob more. She hadn't seen Grisha Jaeger again either and now, like her family, he was dead. She raised her head, wiped away her tears and watched Eren for a few seconds, as if she were trying to memorize his face.

"Dad had his hair short, the color of wheat," she remembered and Eren, with a soft gaze, gave a slight nod for her to continue. "His eyes were light as yours, but... not green. Or maybe yes, but another shade of green. I can't remember well…" She grimaced and brought a hand to her head. "I think they were very light brown eyes, similar to amber, which sometimes... looked green. He was very kind. Mom always said that he was the best man in the world, and d-dad said that Mom was the best woman in the world, things like that…" tears dripped warm down her cheeks. "They loved each other... so much…"

And they were no more.

She felt a sharp pang of pain in her heart, her throat was pressed and she couldn't articulate another word.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

The sky was overcast with black clouds and some static began to be perceived in the environment. Eren kept one of his arms on the shoulders of a sorrowful Mikasa. Thunder rumbled in the distance. The dark clouds flashed intermittently, illuminated by lightning strikes that a few seconds later were followed by thunder. An electric storm was approaching. Small raindrops fell on his hair, face and on the back of the hand he rested on Mikasa's head.

"We have to go to the abandoned cabin before the storm hits us," Eren said, rubbing her back with care.

Mikasa nodded almost imperceptibly. Eren grabbed her by the waist and helped her up from the ground. It seemed as if she had shrunk and weakened. Her shoulders were down, her back slightly bent and she seemed to be unable to even extend her legs fully, as if she had experienced a great loss of vital energy. It was a bit shocking to see a girl like her diminished to such an extent.

Eren didn't let her go her until they reached the place where Magnus was moored. The horse was already feeling restless. Despite Mikasa's state, it didn't take long for them to mount it and reach the abandoned cabin. Eren tied him to one of the wooden pillars of the porch while trying to open the front door, which was kind of jammed due to the humidity. He managed to open it after a couple of kicks that left his right leg somewhat resentful. The rusty hinges squeaked and Eren gestured for Mikasa to stay where she was while he went into the dark hall. All windows were covered by exterior wooden shutters. He lit the small oil lamp he had brought and raised it describing a semicircle. On the right, a dirty and practically dismantled kitchen. In front, a staircase that lacked most of the steps. The few that were left were broken or moth eaten. On the left, a relatively clean living room with a large and old purple velvet sofa, plus a built-in red brick fireplace. Next to it was a pile of dry firewood. He immediately knew that Levi had left it there for them and he didn't doubt he had even cleaned the place, otherwise everything would be in worse conditions.

He inspected the sofa thoroughly, hit it several times to remove the dust and, when verifying there were no bugs, he suggested Mikasa to rest on it. She sat in silence while he took the load off Magnus. He whispered reassuring words to the horse and put it in the kitchen, which had a splintered but still functional door. The kitchen would serve as a corral and the horse would be protected indoors.

He picked up a piece of firewood, spread the little ash at the bottom of the chimney with it and piled some firewood on top. He patted his hands to shake off the dust and splinters.

"Are you hungry or thirsty?" he asked Mikasa.

Neither of them had eaten since breakfast.

"No, I'm fine."

Eren sighed, brought her one of the small goatskins of water and convinced her to drink, even though at first she insisted she wasn't thirsty. Mikasa drank several sips of water and her lips moistened as much as her eyes and long eyelashes. Seeing her so distressed caused him a heavy sensation in his chest and worried him, for he knew there wasn't much he could do for her more than to be with her. He just hoped that coming back and reliving all that pain could serve Mikasa with something. That she could find some relief.

He used a match and thin branches to light the fire in the chimney. It was almost four in the afternoon. As autumn advanced and winter approached it everyday it grew darker earlier, but the black clouds laden with rain had transformed the little that remained from day into night. A warm and flickering fire made its way through the shadows of the room. Engrossed, Eren contemplated the flames. Fire had always seemed an almost magical and hypnotic element to him. He remembered how the simple flame of a candle lit Mikasa's face weeks ago, shortly after he regained consciousness after the kidnapping. How despite his own reluctance and anger against her for deceiving him, the girl's pale skin and features evoked to him the beautiful faces he had seen modeled in elegant alabaster statues.

He watched Mikasa sideways. There were some dirt spots on her face and her expression had an absent air. Eren felt like going to sit with her, but at the same time he didn't want to bother her.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

The storm had broken, furious. Sometimes Magnus let out a whinny from the kitchen, frightened by the powerful thunder. The sparkle of the lightning sneaked between the shutters and it produced a phantasmagoric effect around, illuminating the torn wallpaper at intervals. The cabin in itself already had a dismal touch due to its old and neglected condition, but it also had something that began to seem inexplicably disturbing to Mikasa. It was something ominous and difficult to nail down. A sudden chill ruffled the hairs on the back of her neck. She covered it with the shawl she wore over her coat. She took a quick look behind her, got up from the sofa, walked a few steps and sat on the brushed wood floor next to Eren.

"You got cold?"

"It's... this place," Mikasa muttered. She felt her eyes swollen and her cheeks tight from the salt of dry tears. "I don't like it."

Eren put a hand on the floor and examined the room with caution, as if he were just repairing where they were.

"Yeah, well, all this would look much better remodeled," Eren commented with a relaxed attitude, but after a few moments of keeping his eyes fixed on one of the corners, he turned to the fireplace and his brow furrowed. "Now that you say it, I think I know what you mean. It's... I don't know, it has something eerie." Eren brought his hand to the back of his neck and then slid it up to his throat below the scarf, rubbing it as if it hurt. He blinked, moved his hand away and looked at it befuddled. "It's weird…"

"What's weird?"

Eren shook his head.

"Nothing, it suddenly gave me the impression that it's not the first time I'm here, but that's impossible," he said, giving her a hesitant smile.

Mikasa felt another chill. She didn't like this at all. She didn't like this place. She moved closer to Eren, their shoulders almost touching.

"Can we talk about anything else?" her voice came out higher-pitched than normal.

Eren noticed she had moved closer and his gaze reflected a mixture of concern, curiosity and a hint of something that made Mikasa's aching heart perk up. She saw that his lips parted to tell her something but, as if regretting halfway, he pressed them.

"What do you want to talk about?" Eren asked at last.

"I-I don't know... about whatever."

Thunder resounded so loud that the wooden structure of the cabin shuddered and it surprised them both. Like a scared cat, Mikasa held on to Eren's arm with both hands. She had had an emotionally overwhelming day and that place of disturbing aura made her hair stand on end, made her feel vulnerable, so she wasn't even ashamed of her reaction. Among the crackling fire, she could hear thick raindrops falling on the ceiling on the second floor. For the first time, she wondered if the structure would withstand the storm, but at the same time she reasoned that the cabin had been standing for so many years that it had surely racked much worse storms. The wind hooted and shook the windows' shutters and the door. She had no idea when, but Eren had put some heavy objects that he got out of who knows where so that the door wouldn't open in the middle of the storm or the night. One of the window panes was crushed and a shy breeze sneaked around.

"On one of our walks to the beach, Armin almost drowned," Eren began narrating, raising his voice over the rumble. "We had gone with his grandfather and my parents to camp for a few days. The thing is that there was a bit of current, though we ignored the warnings of the adults and got into the water while they were busy setting up the tents. The waves burst like this," he gestured with his hands to simulate two waves that met and collided. "We tried to only slosh on the shore, but Armin was so small and skinny that he suddenly fell because of the current and got dragged offshore. He screamed for help and I swam as fast as I could to him. I grabbed him by the arm when I reached him and tried to swim towards the shore, until a wave hit us and he let go. Dad was the one who saved him at the end. By the way, he also saved me," Eren smiled. "My attempt to rescue him and my counter current swim made me very tired. I was just another eight years-old skinny brat."

"Looks like you've always wanted to save others," Mikasa said. She had already released Eren's arm, but was still very close to him. "Poor Armin. I'm glad nothing happened to him."

"And poor of his granddad. The old man almost had a heart attack," Eren chuckled. "Besides, my mom shouted instructions like crazy from the shore all that time. Then she hugged us, gave us a jerk of ears for ignoring them and scolded us both for almost dying."

His mom…

Mikasa didn't know much about Eren's mother, only that her name was Carla. She was figuring now that Eren must look a lot like his mother. Like so many other things, it was unfair not to have known her. Everything felt more unfair than ever that day.

"Mikasa," Eren called her. "You've been very brave in deciding to come here."

Eren patted her gently on the back and left his hand there. Mikasa could feel the slight warmth of his touch even through her clothes. His heat was more pleasant than the fire. She was so worn-out she allowed her body to act on impulse and pressed her entire side to his. She also dropped her head on one of his broad shoulders. Eren adjusted his arm behind Mikasa's back, the palm of his hand curved against her waist.

"I'm not brave," she mumbled. She closed her eyes and took comfort in his nearness. "It's just that I couldn't take it anymore."

"Don't say that," he scolded her. "I know... it's not easy to say goodbye to the people you love. And I think it's really good that you came back to visit your parents' grave for the first time. No matter how many years have passed, what's important is that you are here."

It had taken her so long to return… It was so hard to bid farewell and accept the loss that Mikasa knew she wouldn't make it in just one day, but at least she was working on it. Eren was right, the important thing was to be here. She was trying to put an end to something she avoided for a long time for several reasons and felt it was unresolved. One of her reasons were the nightmares in which she returned to Shiganshina and found her father's body in the kitchen and that of her mother in the room. In some of those nightmares they both looked the same as they looked on that fateful day, while in others their bodies were rotten and plagued with worms or were just forgotten skeletons. She never told anyone about those horrible dreams, which recurred despite the fact that Mikasa knew her parents had been buried in those mountains, that their bodies hadn't been forever forgotten inside her cabin after Levi rescued her.

Mikasa sighed. Who would say that she would finally return ten years later to find a barren site and lots of stones, in the company of no one else and no one less than the boy she should have met only a couple of days later. She would never have imagined that Eren Jaeger would be there with her, accompanying her and supporting her during such a difficult situation, but it felt fine. It was as if this had always been the right way to return.

She slowly raised her head until only part of her cheek and chin rested on the edge of Eren's shoulder. Mikasa's lips stretched in a soft smile. Their faces were so close that Eren's exhales caressed her chin. Her heart beat faster and she felt hot cheeks, but it was a nice and comforting sensation. She didn't feel as self-conscious as on other occasions when she was close to him, nor did she feel like moving away. The emotional exhaustion and Eren's affectionate treatment seemed to have helped her to be much less nervous around him. She was going to thank him for his words, his support and for having traveled with her, but he suddenly opened his eyes wide, removed his hand from her waist and parted from her a bit with a puzzled expression.

"Umm... I h-have to add more firewood to the fire," he said, avoiding her gaze and moving further away from her. He stretched to grab pieces of dry wood. "Look, there was very little."

Mikasa shrugged and watched him lay wood in the fireplace for a while, feeling a little discouraged by his distance. While Eren concentrated on the fire, she stood up and dragged the purple sofa closer to the chimney. The backrest was high and would serve to trap a little more heat. By courtesy of Levi they would have enough firewood for the night they would spend there.

She had so many things to thank Levi... If not for him, what would become of her? Where would she be?

These questions were repeated once, twice, three times. Again and again, until a wave of anxiety swept through her body, it twisted her stomach, made her heart shrunk and her head dull. Trembling, Mikasa dropped onto the couch, clinging to the backrest and bringing her legs to her chest. She stared at the flames and embers at the bottom, hoping it would help her clear her mind and inspire warm ideas instead of navigating in the cold direction she was going at the time. Her view got cloudy. She didn't want to keep crying or thinking about everything that hurt her. She had had too much for one day and needed to regain control of herself and her emotions. She needed to recover all the lost energy.

Against her will, her mind got busy with reliving the memories of the last mission. She visualized each of the girls she had found in that damn wagon and, in her head, reverberated everything she had heard that night.

It was very late at night when they were on their way to the house of one of the members of the Legion. Because of an impulse until then incomprehensible, Mikasa had the bad idea of lifting the blindfolds of each of the girls. They were all together inside the same carriage as her. She lit a lamp to the minimum so as not to blind them with the light. She kept on the black cloth that covered her entire face except for her eyes.

She wasn't surprised to meet the sad gray eyes of Heike, the fourteen-year-old teenager who had decided to prostitute herself in exchange for a roof and food, who bit her nails so much to the point of hurting herself and pretended smiles. Nor was she surprised to meet Petra's big and good-natured caramel eyes, nor the dull and lost gaze of the seven-year-old girl sitting on Petra's lap, Vivianne. It was when she saw Elsa's face, the black haired ten-year-old girl that barely spoke, that she was astounded. The shape of her chestnut eyes was practically identical to those of Mikasa.

The girl also seemed astonished to examine the little and nothing she could see from her face.

"You're like me…" Elsa whispered, pointing at her with a finger that felt accusing. "You look like me! You look like dad!"

Mikasa didn't know what to say. Apart from her mother, she had never seen anyone with features like hers before.

"Dad is- he was half Asian," Elsa continued, approaching her rather restless. "Are you also half Asian? Maybe dad was your brother, or your cousin…" she hesitated, scrutinizing her. "Maybe he was your uncle, you look much younger. Dad's name was Yasuhiro and his friends called him Hiro, did you meet him?"

"No, I didn't know him," Mikasa replied with a constricted expression. She felt a lump in her throat. It was like meeting a childish version of herself. "I-," she shut up. The carriage was slowing down. "You have to put on the blindfolds again," she said urgently, lowering Elsa's blindfold and pushing her carefully so that she would sit back in the place where she was at the beginning.

The rest of the night fluctuated between conversations with Levi, Hange Zoe, who was the owner of the house, and Reiner Braun, who was one of their informants in Stohess military police. Mikasa didn't say much and wasn't able to concentrate enough on the conversation, but participated as she could when making the final decisions regarding the fate of the girls. Among other things, they agreed they wouldn't be separated and that they would be taken to Krolva district until they obtained more information about the human trafficking situation they had been victims of, since they wanted to avoid putting them at risk.

"One of them looks like me," Mikasa let out once she was alone in the carriage with Levi.

Her words took Levi off guard. As soon as he recovered from the impression, he got angry with her.

"Did you let them see you?" he reprimanded her.

Mikasa shook her head.

"They only saw my eyes…"

Anguish seized Mikasa minutes later in the trip back to Orvud. She entered a deplorable state and couldn't stop sobbing, sweating and trembling. She became a prey to fear and, for what seemed like hours, was convinced that someone would go after her and that she couldn't defend herself, that they would take her away, or that at any moment she would die because she could barely breathe or because her heart would explode. She didn't have many more memories about it, she wasn't sure about what she said to Levi or what he said to her, all she knew was that a tangle of overwhelming thoughts and emotions took away all her energy and that it was the worst episode of that kind she had in years.

And Mikasa could no longer see the flames. Her eyes had watered to the point she only saw a deformed orange spot. Someone whispered something but she was unable to understand. Something heavy sank the other side of the sofa. Then she saw Eren. Eren had sat next to her and pulled her close in a hug. The warmth and solidity of his body anchored her, bringing her gently to the here and now. She heard the crackling fire in the room and the storm outside again. Thunder rumbled in her grieving chest. Mikasa closed her eyes, watched the dark clouds of her mind, felt her inner storm and cried. She didn't understand how it was that she still had tears, but it rained both inside her and out there.

Eren offered her a handkerchief and water once the intensity of her sobs waned. Mikasa blew her nose, took a sip of water and suddenly the words began to spurt from her lips. She told him about the encounter with the victims of human trafficking, about what she felt when she learned part of their stories and how it hurt that they had to go through something so horrible. She tried to explain the visceral terror she felt at the thought that she could have ended up in the same or worse way than them, if not because Levi was visiting the same day her parents were killed. Mikasa talked about how much shocked she was to see another girl of Asian ancestry for the first time in her life, a victim of trafficking due to her sex and appearance considered exotic... She also mentioned the little girl who seemed to be sick, whose own mother had sold her to a pimp, and what Levi had said after seeing the girl: that she reminded him of her after she lost everything. She talked about so many things she had never said aloud before, not even told anyone, even about the day her parents and unborn brother were killed. She was overflowing and couldn't stop. She needed to get it out.

Mikasa was shaking.

"When I saw t-that they were dead I f-felt so cold…" she said against Eren's chest. "All my... senses went out, but the cold… it didn't stop. It didn't stop…"

Eren held her tighter in his arms.

"I'm so sorry, Mikasa."

"I c-couldn't do anything for them," she sobbed. "I was a weak girl, p-paralized by fear... I couldn't help them. Sometimes…" she inhaled air through her mouth and her heart ached even more. She felt against her cheek the moisture that her own tears had caused in Eren's coat. "S-sometimes I wonder if it was fair t-that only I survived…" she pressed her eyelids. "Why was I saved myself and not my parents and my brother? Why was I-I saved from being... sold as a t-thing and not all those other girls? My life... doesn't even have a purpose. I should have died with them."

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

In general Mikasa was reserved, a person of few words, but her reencounter with the past had managed to bring down the defenses she built at some point with dedication around herself. She ended up in a completely vulnerable state that led her to relive and verbalize her worst pains and face deep wounds without healing. Her calm, strong and sometimes even cold attitude, her often unperturbed demeanor, her precise words, short phrases, her proud bearing, all of that had disappeared completely before Eren's attentive and worried eyes. He had witnessed something similar before, such as the time he gave Mikasa a hair ornament and she broke as she remembered her mother. However, this time everything was a thousand times more intense and they were both alone in the middle of a deserted area during a storm, inside a cabin that in a way gave a bad feeling.

When he met with Levi to plan the travel itinerary, including the visit to Mikasa's old home, he mentioned she seemed to trust in Eren so much that maybe she would even tell him details of the day her life changed forever. Eren didn't think Mikasa would really tell him something about it, and yet there he was, with his heart in a fist and his eyes teary after having seen her crumble and heard her say so many things... It was like to stay standing with open arms in front of a window even though someone warned it would blow.

After a moment of silence where all he did was to hug her, Eren could find the words he considered made some sense in the midst of everything he was feeling for her.

"What happened to you wasn't fair. Nor what happened to those other girls," he moved a little away from Mikasa, gently took her cheek and met her sad swollen eyes. "You were just a little girl who never had to go through something so cruel... Nothing of what happened that day was your fault."

Mikasa breathed hard and gazed down.

Eren knew the fear and pain at the loss of a loved one... He had also experienced a similar sense of helplessness, weakness and guilt since he didn't have the tools, age or knowledge to save his own mother's life. However, what most afflicted him right now was that Mikasa wished she had shared the fate of her parents, that she thought her life was worthless. That she even felt guilty for having saved herself from living a life of abuse.

He also felt helpless now, as he tried to collect the sharp pieces of broken glass with his bloodied hands from the cuts, without even being sure where to start. He wanted to help Mikasa feel better, for her to never think she should have died again, but unfortunately he had no idea how. Seeing her suffer and not knowing how to mitigate her emotional pain distressed him. In cases of physical pain the option was to sedate or anesthetize. Mikasa somehow did something similar when she drank passiflora tea, which was nothing more than a momentary help. There were no long-term effects and it didn't help to solve the causes of the pain, just as anesthetizing someone injured was of no use if the wound was ignored and they later bleed out from it.

He caressed her wet cheek with his thumb.

"You deserved to have your whole family by your side and be happy with them for many years... I'm so sorry you lost them, Mikasa," Eren held her in his arms, feeling her whining against his chest. "Sometimes the people we love us leave early... and in that sense I think I understand a bit of how you feel, although I know it is different."

"It's n-not different," he heard her say. "It's the s-same loss. Your parents…"

Eren smiled sadly against her hair. His heart felt warmer and he wanted to hug her harder, but he resisted for fear of hurting her.

"It's the same loss, yes," he accepted, stroking her back. Mikasa seemed so small and fragile leaning on his chest, there between his arms. "I... I'm glad you're here... alive, and I'm sure Levi and Kenny too... Please, I hope you understand that nothing was your fault and much less that you were saved from-," he clenched his jaw, "being sold."

The mere idea of Mikasa being stripped of her freedom and sold as a piece of meat for some son of a bitch to use her as he pleased, disgusted and enraged him. He thought about the occasion when some nasty men took her out of the canteen in Trost and remembered how much he wanted to kill each and every one of them, but he couldn't get carried away by his own rage when Mikasa needed to be contained. He sighed slowly and carefully removed some strands of wet hair from her face. Mikasa closed her eyes in reflex. She seemed exhausted after crying and reliving so many emotions. Eren checked the palm of her hands, which were dirty due to the stones she had taken to reassemble her parents' grave, and with which she had ended up dirtying her chin and cheeks.

"I'll be right back," he told Mikasa.

He went to the corner where he had left a small first-aid kit. He pulled out a piece of gauze, poured some water on it and sat down next to her, who had droopy eyelids because of her tiredness. Eren warmed the wet gauze between his hands and gently began to clean the small spots of Mikasa's face stained with dirt. Something warm slipped between his fingers when he was about to finish. She was crying again. Eren wiped her tears with the backs of his fingers, feeling completely useless for he couldn't mitigate her pain.

He wished he had been there to protect and comfort her when it all happened.

He wished he had the power to go back in time to kill the traffickers before they even set foot in the cabin, so that Mikasa still had her parents and brother alive, so that she never had to experience all the trauma and pain she was suffering for now. Eren wished he had accompanied his father before in the medical visits to the mountains of Shiganshina, so he and Mikasa would have been introduced. He would have given her the rag doll, they would have played together and become friends many years ago... They would have grown up and shared so many experiences together, so many good times... Maybe he would even have fallen in love with her sooner.

Eren opened his eyes wide. He was breathless, motionless, fully aware of the route his thoughts had taken. With his mouth agape, he soon understood that this was the simplest and clearest conclusion regarding what had been happening to him with Mikasa in those days... and it had come like this, out of nowhere, at the most inopportune moment possible. He knew Armin had already used that word to refer to him in relation to Mikasa, but Eren hadn't been able or was unwilling to accept it. His unconscious, however, had other plans.

He noticed Mikasa shuddered and felt her head rest on his chest.

"You should lie on the couch," he said automatically, feeling somewhat stunned and stupid. "Rest."

He didn't know how to react or what to do before such sudden and reckless revelation. It felt unreal. He tried to stand up so Mikasa could lay down, but she held on to his coat and didn't allow him to move.

"Don't leave me alone," she pleaded softly.

"I won't go anywhere," he assured her, but Mikasa shivered again.

The fire was still burning in the chimney and the room was warm enough, but she seemed to be cold. Mikasa hadn't eaten and had cried a lot, she was weakened, so Eren wouldn't be surprised if her body wasn't capable of generating enough heat. Without thinking twice, he separated a little from her, unrolled his scarf and put it around her neck with great care so that she was as warm as possible. Mikasa lazily blinked and brushed the red scarf with her fingers. When she looked at him again, her eyes scanned him, reflecting the fire like a pair of precious stones. Eren felt the blood flow to his cheeks.

"Lie on the couch," he said again, gently pushing her shoulders. "Leave me some room."

As he could, Eren lay down on his back to her side and rested the sole of his left foot on the sofa's tapestry so as not to fall. He ran his right arm under Mikasa's neck so she could lay her head on his chest and so both of them could fit on the couch. He folded his arm and rested it on her shoulders, while with his free hand he adjusted the shawl on her back. Eren had almost half of her body on top of him and his mind still didn't leave its state of shock.

Was he in love with her?

"Are you comfortable?"

"Yes…" she replied drowsily, "and you?"

"Me too," Eren said, although it wasn't quite true.

The sofa was wide but not enough for two people to lie comfortably on it. Eren rested a side of his chin on her silky black hair, closed his eyes and breathed in her floral fragrance. Despite still being stunned by his strange and unfortunate discovery, he enjoyed Mikasa's proximity, the weight and heat her body emitted, her smell. He felt flooded by a sense of gratitude.

If Mikasa had died the day her parents died, then he would never have been able to meet her... They wouldn't be there now, so intimately and placidly squeezed on a sofa by the fire after an emotionally demanding day, under the roof of a strange abandoned cabin during a stormy night. Eren would never have seen her eyes, her smile or heard her voice.

If it weren't for Levi, none of this would have been possible.

You saved the love of my life, Eren. I swear I wouldn't have known what to do without her.

Franz's last thankful words came to his mind like lightning and only then did Eren manage to weigh them in full.


A/N: this long-ass chapter (14.7k in English version, 15k Spanish version) sometimes became a real pain in da ass and such a labor - with labor included in the fic - since it had mostly to do with emotions, but I thiiiink it's been worth it. I'm even lazy to write author notes because there's already too many words.

Hugs for everyone and please remember to leave your comments about the chapter. I wish you all very nice end of the year celebrations with your loved ones~