Thor continued to stare at his brother. He had said sorry. He had well and truly meant it when he said he was sorry. And yet, Loki did not or would not accept his apology. Thor wasn't quite sure what to do or say in this instance. Loki had always accepted his apologies before. So now they stood about an arm's length apart but it felt more like miles. Thor was lost.
"Loki, I can barely even remember what I said. I thought I was being kind, telling everyone about one of your skills. You were the one who misread the situation. I am sorry but I thought I was complimenting you."
Loki sighed. "I...Thor." He closed his eyes and took a few precious moments in order to figure out how to continue. Finally he opened his eyes and went on, "It is not that the words were directly hurtful. I'm rather certain you didn't mean them to sound as they did. But the words were at least a little painful. You said, 'Despite the fact that most healers are female.' You implied my argr-ness because I am so painfully not a women. It's not the first time you or anyone else have shared such sentiment. As a male, as an Asir, as a prince I should have grown to be...well...I should have grown up to be like you. I should be a fighter. And I am, in my own way. But I fight to survive. I fight using 'tricks' which must according to Asir ideology mean I'm weak. From the moment I made it known that I was to continue learning how to wield seidr it seemed as if all of Asgard compared me to women. For my choices I have always been considered less than everyone else. I am considered to be some broken thing which can't protect itself simply because I don't wield a hammer or sword. I chose to wield seidr and daggers. I simply wish that someone, other than mother, would be able to say something not demeaning about how I chose to live my life." Loki stopped in part when he realized that now he didn't even have his mother to stand by his side in something so simple as wielding his seidr. Loki turned away incase he started to tear up. He didn't feel the need to spell that out to Thor in addition to everything else.
Thor's mouth hung open. "I-" He cut himself off and tried to recall a time he had stood up for his brother. He had protected him when he could. He had offered to fight for his honor. He had said he had done well in battle but all the times he could recall always seemed to have stipulations. "I thought I had been standing up for you. I know now that it wasn't want you wanted. It probably wasn't what you needed."
Thor placed a hand on his brother's shoulder. It wasn't meant to force him to move. It wasn't some insurmountable force. Thor placed his hand on Loki's shoulder in order to simply try and provide a small bit of comfort. "I'm sorry you did not get to go to her funeral." Thor lightly squeezed Loki's shoulder. "You were as much her son as I was. Probably more so. She always did…" His mouth quirked up in a bitter smile.
Loki froze. In barely a whisper he said, "It's my fault she's dead. I told that monster to take the stairs to the left. It's my fault."
The room was silent for a few heartbeats. As he shook his head Thor said, "No Loki, it's my fault. I was there but not in time. I wasn't quick enough to save her. I didn't think…"
Putting his hand on Thor's Loki said, "It is both of our faults then...it certainly is not yours alone." He stepped away from the hand on this shoulder and turned to face Thor. He opened his mouth but closed it once more, realizing he no longer knew what to say.
This time when Thor leaned in for a hug Loki did not move away.
The two brothers held each other close for several minutes. When a few tears were shed it was not mentioned. Instead they just held on a bit tighter when they began to sniffle.
"Loki, I-"
Loki shushed his brother and gave one final squeeze before he let go. "I'm sorry."
"...Why are you sorry?"
Almost rolling his eyes Loki said, "I'm sorry that she died. I'm sorry that I couldn't save her. Sorry that you blame yourself, that her death is my fault. I'm even sorry I attacked Midgard." He sighed and shook his head. "I suppose I shouldn't be silently begging you to apologize when I have so much more to apologize for."
Before Thor could say anything Loki stood up straighter, "Now, please leave. I think I would prefer to be alone right now."
He wanted to argue. Thor wanted to fight or find the right words or go back to moments before when they were hugging. He didn't do any of those things. Instead he nodded and walked back out of floor 77. He left without saying another word. He didn't want to shatter whatever bit of brotherhood bonding that had managed to form from this conversation. He left because that is what Loki asked of him and Loki deserved someone who listened.
Once Thor had left Loki fell down to his knees. He curled up and began to sob. Each breath came in a gasp. His eyes quickly turned bloodshot. Loki stayed on the floor till every part of his body felt stiff. He now knew that his mother had not suffered. He now knew that Thor could at least pretend that he cared for him. He held onto his body as if that could hold himself together. Loki stayed on the ground and mourned and panicked but when the tears finally slowed he was able to slowly stand back up.
Loki felt better. He felt ready to change back to a man he wanted to be. He was almost content.
