Chapter 21: Grief, Lost and Guilt.
London
Because of the war, part of this beautiful city is destroyed by bombs. There is also a blackout and all citizens are locked indoors. Everything is in ruins. On that ruins walks Peggy in search for Izuku. He just disappeared for three days. Nobody saw him. In different circumstances she would leave him alone to mourn. However right now they need him.
Suddenly Peggy hears the voice of a radio through the rubble and decides to follow it.
"Blackout is still in effect throughout the London area. Please wait for the all-clear. Your attention, please. All citizens shall remain indoors until further notice. Blackout is still in effect throughout the London area", said the radio.
The voice was coming from the rubble which was a bar where Izuku enlisted the Howling Commandos. She sees him alone with a bottle of alcohol. She also sees puddle of something. And for some reason the entire room is smelling terrible.
"Dr. Erskine said that… the serum wouldn't just affect my muscles; it would affect my cells. Create a protective system of regeneration and healing. Also, my taste receptors become very sensitive and I throw up at the taste of a bad alcohol. Which means um…I can't get drunk", he said grimly before turning to her while pouring himself a drink. What surprised Peggy more is his new tone, which he was talking. It was without any emotions. "Did you know that?"
"Your metabolism burns four times faster than the average person. He thought it could be one of the side effects. Also, I think that the reason of your problem is because this beverage is awful", she commented before opening the main reason of her appearance. "It wasn't your fault."
"Did you read the reports?" he asked broken.
"Yes", Shield answered grimly.
"Then you know that's not true,'' he countered back with tears. "I couldn't save him."
Seeing state in which Izuku is right now shocks Peggy. She couldn't believe that the brave man who could fight against the odds now become a shell of his former self. She needs to help him. Before he would be lost forever.
"You did everything you could. Did you believe in your friend? Did you respect him?" she asked hoping for Midoriya to answer. And it works seeing that he looks at her as if to say yes. Seeing the reaction from him she continues. "Then stop blaming yourself. Allow Todoroki the dignity of his choice. He damn well must have thought you were worth it. We need you at the front."
"Why? So, I can to ruin everything and get all of us killed?" he asked rhetorically with anger. "Every time something terrible happens to people because of me. Shoto earned his scar when he was protecting me. After that he became a target for bullies because of me. Then he enters the army after I first tried to enlisted to it. Dr. Erskine died when he made me Super-Soldier. And now Shoto died because he went after me. He died because I became overconfident with my abilities. I thought that I could save anybody. I didn't realize that not everyone had a physical edge like me. Everything bad happens because of me."
These words made Peggy look at him at sympathy. She just saw that for him Shoto Todoroki wasn't just a friend. He was like a brother to him. It's not a surprise that his death had made such an impact for him. She wants to hug him and tells him that everything will be alright. But right now, Allies needs their best soldier.
"I can't imagine what you are feeling right now. But you must remember: that despite the serum you are still human. You are not a god. You can't save everyone", she commented. "However, I still think that Todoroki would want you to fight. We can't make his death to be in vain. We need you. An entire world needs their hero."
Her words made him to look at her. Unfortunately, he still has the same look in his eyes. He then just says, "I need to think about it."
"I want you to know that despite your decision. You won't be alone", she called back seeing at him, who is walking away.
She wants to help him. She wants to do everything to bring him back from his depression. But what she can do?
When Izuku came back to the Headquarters he accidently enters command room. He sees maps of enemy base and plans for tomorrow. He wanted to join his team in future battle. However, despite his wishes he objects. He can't go. He will make things worse.
"Well look at this. Our soldier is back", commented Phillips who suddenly appears. "You look tense. Well that's understandable. Your best friend died on your eyes. That will break strong wills."
Despite his monotone voice, colonel wanted to talk with Izuku and help him overcome his crisis. That's trauma for all life.
"You were right", Izuku simply answered not looking at Chester.
"About what?" Phillips asked in confusion. He doesn't like how he asked that question.
"About everything", Midoriya answered finally looking at colonel. "You were right about me. I didn't listen to you. It's not a place for me. I shouldn't even be here. Dr. Erskine made mistake. I wasn't supposed to be a first super-soldier. If it was someone else then both Erskine and Shoto would both alive. If I listened to you everything would be much better than it is now."
Col. Phillips could only freeze on the place and solemnly watch his bravest soldier just admitted that it would be better if he just listened to his former advice. In the past, Chester would feel himself pleased with it. However, many things changed from that moment. After Midoriya's first mission he proves that he can be the best soldier in the world. Not because of the serum, wits or guts. But because of his heart. Dr. Erskine didn't make a mistake. He chose him because he is the greatest person on the planet. Not from outside but inside. And Phillips can't let him to be consumed by depression. That's why he didn't regret his choice of words.
"If you did listen to me. Then I wouldn't forgive myself from making the greatest mistake in my life", Chester said making Izuku look at him in shock. "I was wrong about you. I told you that war is not you place because I wanted to save you from yourself. War is not just battle. In the war there is always death. You probably can't go back home alive. But if don't fight innocent people would dies. You weren't ready for it. You know I fought in World War I. And I lost my best friend there. I was devastated. And you know the best way to save his memory? To win the war. To avenge the deceased."
These words, made Izuku to conflict himself. To think that all that colonel rudeness was his own way to protect him from himself. He just learnt about side he didn't know Phillips had. And idea about to avenge Shoto was sounded so pleasurable for him that he wanted to agree with it. However, he still has some doubts in himself.
"What the plans for tomorrow's meeting?" Izuku asked. Despite his depression he still is curious.
"Tomorrow we will tell everybody about Kurogiri's information and we will discuss the next move", Chester answered. "If you think that you can't go tomorrow, I will understand. Heck I think that everybody will understand you. But the question is: will you forgive yourself for it? And what you want to do?"
With these words he left Izuku alone with his thoughts. He can't say that colonel is wrong. He is right. However, it didn't help him. He still can't find himself a will to fight.
But the most difficult thing for him is colonel's question.
What he wants?
After the talk with colonel, Izuku was called by one of the soldiers, who told that some woman came and wanted to see him. That put Midoriya in dilemma. Who wanted to see him? And why?
Exiting the building he meets person, who he last expected to see. It was Fuyumi. Shoto's older sister. She still looks the same as he last saw her.
"Izuku!" she called before hugging him. "I am so glad to see you. It was such a long time."
"Fuyumi. I missed you", he said happily while hugging her back. He missed her and her family.
"I came as soon as we got a letter", she told him the reason of her sudden appearance. "It's a shock for all of us."
"How is your family holding up?" he asked in a frown. He doesn't want to imagine the state of Todoroki's family.
"Mother in tears. She was crying all night", she answered with a frown. The image of her devastated mother is still in her mind. "And Natsuo… Well I don't think that he would want to meet you for now."
Izuku expected these reactions from Rei and Natsuo. He wouldn't even surprise if Natsuo hates him more than anything. And he knows that their emotions justified. It was all his fault. He deserved him.
"He blames me for what happened to Shoto", said Midoriya. It wasn't a question. It's a fact. Seeing her slowly nodded he continues, "He have all rights for it. And let me guess he hate me more than your father?"
"Yes", she continued reluctantly. "I couldn't even imagine that he would hate someone more than our father. But don't worry I think he will forgive you. I am sure of it."
"No", he simply said while sitting on a nearby bench. "I don't think that I would ever earn his forgiveness. It was my fault. If it wasn't for me, he would be with you alive. He would be happy if he never met me."
That made Fuyumi gasp from shock. She couldn't imagine Izuku become so depressed. Izuku that she remembers was so cheerful, enthusiastic and stubborn. And now he gave up. He finally stopped fighting. Fuyumi couldn't let it to continue. In the name of her deceased brother she will help him.
"You are no right", she commented making him look at her. She then sits next to him and continues. "Shoto never had any friends before. You become his first and best friend. You remember his aloofness? If it wasn't for you, he would never become the person you have known."
"It seems so unlikely", he shot back. "Despite his aloofness, he would meet other kid, who would never become his downfall."
"The problem was that he doesn't want to get friends. At all", she confessed surprising him. He couldn't believe it. Shoto didn't wanted to have friends. "When we first came to the America Shoto become so distant. He didn't want to meet new people. Didn't wanted to do sports. Didn't want to do anything. When he met you for the first time, he finally starts to be more friendly and cheerful. Despite his scar that he gained he was happy to meet you."
That discovery made Izuku freeze on the place from the shock. His first meeting with Shoto was the best moment in his life. However, he couldn't think that it was also the best moment for Shoto either. There are some things he doesn't know about his best friend. Their friendship is important for both of them.
"Don't know that our first meeting was so important for him", he commented finally showing a smile.
Seeing his smile made Fuyumi happy. It looks like he still can be saved. She then continues, "Do you know why Shoto decided to join the army?"
"To watch over me", he simply answered. He always thought that it was Shoto's reason to establish.
"Actually, you are wrong", Fuyumi corrected. "Shoto decided to establish in the army because he wanted to be like you."
"Like me?" Midoriya asked in disbelief. "It sounds too impossible to be true. Shoto was strong, smart, popular. And I was little, sick, awkward orphan crying baby with impossible dream. He would never want to be like me."
"Tell everything you want. But it's true", she continued before taking a letter from her pocket. "He always was respecting you. And wanted to be like you. Kind, generous, brave man. He was always believing that you will become a great a soldier if people could give you a chance. And he was right."
"Maybe", he admitted. "But I still don't know if I can fight. I am afraid I will make things only worse. I don't think I can endure another sacrifice."
Seeing that Izuku become less depressed, Fuyumi decides to use her secret weapon. If it didn't help him then nothing can.
"Here, take it. That's for you", she said giving him a letter. "That's letter Shoto write on the day where he was appointed to the army and you failed to do it. He said that he wants you to read it if he died on the front. Goodbye."
With these words she left Izuku alone with a letter. He didn't know if he earned the rights to read after his death. After an hour of thinking he opened it.
Dear Izuku.
If you reading it then it means that I died at the front. And I hope that you stayed at home and far away from problems. Who am I kidding? You are always finding troubles anywhere.
I wanted you to know that despite what everything says about us I wanted to be like you. I know it sounds unbelievable but it's true. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't want to join the army. I joined because I wanted to be a good person like you are. You are always full of energy, love and justice. You can help many people with it. Just like me. I would be alone without you.
I always believe in you. If you were healthier then people would take you to the army without any second thoughts. If people can't see you for who you are, then it's their loss. You the great person I met in my life.
I wanted you to know that no matter what I will always be by your side. I will follow you into the jaws of death. So no matter what happens, keep on fighting, Izuku.
Sincerely, your Best Friend Shoto Todoroki.
After reading this letter Izuku noticed that some drops of water falling on it. But he realizes that it his tears. He just couldn't imagine that this how his best friend sees him. He always thought that Shoto just like others watching him in pity. But right now, he knows that Todoroki was watching him in admiration.
Izuku knows what he wants. His friends are right. He can't just give up. He can't let the death of his best friend be in vain.
"I made my decision", he thought in determination.
The time for final battle is close.
