Stitches
"Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside." Carlisle spoke quietly, but I could hear the stress in his voice.
Emmett nodded. "Come on, Jasper." Emmett dragged Jasper out of the house, whose wild eyes were still fixed on Bella.
I broke out of my shock and turned to protect Bella, crouching over her and growling low in my throat. Rosalie was staring at me, the tone of her thoughts a pleased purr. Yes, Edward. Let's bring all of our human friends over next time. Maybe they can stay for dinner. Her snide comments continued as she helped Emmett wrestle Jasper outside.
Esme held the door open for them, holding her hand over her mouth and nose. "I'm so sorry, Bella." Sorry, Edward. She followed them into the yard, her expression embarrassed and ashamed.
"Let me by, Edward," Carlisle told me. You know I won't hurt her.
I nodded slowly and tried to relax as Carlisle examined her arm. I couldn't look at Bella, didn't want to see the expression on her face. I could hear her heart racing and knew that if I looked into her eyes, I would see the fear in them. Worse, I was sure I would see anger there, directed at me. If I hadn't overreacted and thrown her into the table… I should have thrown myself at Jasper, not Bella, but the instinct to get her out of the way had been overpowering.
Alice came back into the room, holding a towel. "Here, Carlisle."
He shook his head. "Too much glass in the wound." He ripped a thin strip off of the tablecloth and tied it around her arm as a tourniquet. "Bella, do you want me to drive you to the hospital, or would you like me to take care of it here?"
"Here, please," she whispered.
"I'll get your bag," Alice said and was gone from the room in a flash. Like me, she was holding her breath.
"Let's take her to the kitchen table," Carlisle said. I lifted her tenderly, still holding my breath, my jaw clenched as I fought against the flame her blood ignited in my throat. Carlisle kept the pressure on her arm to stem the flow of blood. "How are you doing, Bella?" He asked her.
"I'm fine." I knew how she hated to admit weakness. I was sure her answer would have been "fine" no matter how she really felt. I kept my face averted from her, trying not to let her see the guilt I felt at hurting her. Despite the fact that I swore not to put her in danger, I was the cause of her pain again and again. I knew she would downplay this, try to take the blame upon herself like she always did.
Alice already had Carlisle's bag set on the table and a bright work lamp in place. I placed Bella in a chair and backed away, hovering behind Carlisle as he worked. I wished I could hold her hand, could kiss her hurt away without the danger that the kiss would turn deadly. I had tasted her blood once already and was sure I would be unable to force myself to stop on this night. So I stood motionless, not breathing, a useless statue.
"Just go, Edward," Bella said, knowing the pain I was in.
"I can handle it," I insisted, but I wasn't sure that I could. I clenched my teeth and tried not to remember.
"You don't need to be a hero," she insisted. "Carlisle can fix me up without your help. Get some fresh air."
"I'll stay," I said stubbornly.
"Why are you so masochistic?"
I couldn't do anything else, couldn't help Carlisle stitch her up, couldn't touch her or offer comfort at all. Couldn't I at least offer her my presence? Or did she not want me near her right now?
Carlisle spoke up, "Edward, you may as well go find Jasper before he gets too far. I'm sure he's upset with himself, and I doubt he'll listen to anyone but you right now."
"Yes. Go find Jasper," Bella agreed.
"You might as well do something useful," Alice chimed in.
I narrowed my eyes at them. I didn't want to leave, but I couldn't argue. I was out of air and I didn't dare breathe.
Edward, you don't need to be here, but Jasper does need you right now. You know how difficult our life is for him still and he will surely blame himself. Please, go comfort him. Alice begged me.
Surrendering to the inevitable, I nodded and took off. I hit the ground running fast, picking up Jasper's scent. I followed him through the forest. He'd run for miles already and I increased my speed, trying to catch up with him. Finally I found him hunched on a rock overlooking the river. One thought repeating in his head.
I could have killed her. I almost killed her. I could have killed her…
I sat down beside him with a sigh. "It's not your fault, Jasper."
He made a disgusted noise in his throat.
"No," I insisted. "The fault is mine."
"You aren't the one who tried to kill her, Edward."
"But I am the one who brought her here." I turned to face him and spoke fervently, "You can't help what you are Jasper. You spent many years living on the blood of humans and I know, believe me, I know how strong her blood is." Although Bella's blood was especially potent to me, none of my family could deny her appeal. "You didn't attack her on purpose. I've known all along how dangerous being in my life was for her. I tried to resist – I tried to leave, tried to push her away – but I loved her too much…"
I thought back to that first day, to the reaction I had had that first time I smelled her. The monster within me had come so close that day to having the blood I had been denying him for so long. I'd fought against my nature, fought against my monster for decades, but never before had the struggle been that difficult. No other human had ever come close to affecting me the way she had, the way she still did. Although they all smelled good to me – their blood a rich pulsing that I could hear and smell flowing through their veins – none of them had half the appeal for me as she did.
My monster struggled against my control, forcing the memory of her taste into my head. Her blood had been right there, exposed and spilling onto the carpet, wasted. I shivered at the memory. Stupidly, I inhaled and could still smell her, taste her scent on my tongue. I felt my fingers convulse, gripping the rock, holding me in place. The stone was no match for my fingers and I felt it crumble under my hands.
Again and again I forced the memory of her scent away, but it crept back, intruding into my mind.
… not that far to run… I'm fast, too… could be there before he'd catch me… Carlisle would be no match for me… have her before anyone could stop me…
"Damn it, Jasper!" I groaned, "Stop, please!" I realized the reason her scent kept being forced upon me was not just my monster, but Jasper's as well.
"Sorry," he whispered. I could hear his breaths, shallow and fast. To my relief, he stopped leaking his desire for her, slowly mastering his need to drink the human that smelled better to all of them, not just me, than nearly every other human they'd ever met.
As the minutes passed, my mind cleared and it was easier to resist the driving need to run back to the house and give in to my thirst. When I got back, though… what would happen then? Would I be able to resist once I could hear her heart pushing the blood through her system? Despite the stitches holding her torn skin together, the bandages were bound to soak up her blood. Could I resist my need to bite her, to taste her again? And if I did not, would I be able to stop this time? Next time? There was no way I could expect her to never injure herself again. This would happen again.
I shivered once more, and as I did, I wasn't sure if it was in longing or in dread. I loved her so much, but I would always desire her in the worst way. Another chunk of stone came away in my hands and I looked at it, contemplating what it meant. As I slowly tore the rock apart, I felt it stood for what I did to Bella on a daily basis. Turning the piece around in my hand, turning it into dust, I remembered all the times my strength had gotten the better of me. I'd left fingerprints in my desk, snapped fully grown trees like they were twigs, and even mangled my last car's door frame when we'd fled from Calgary.
I could see how my very presence endangered her life. Even if I had kept her away from my family, at any moment I could lose control of my iron will. I wouldn't even have to drink her blood to kill her, as tonight's fiasco proved. An overenthusiastic hug could snap her spine. Or a not-so-gentle caress could crush her skull. Or I could shove her into a table full of glass while trying to protect her from a blood crazed vampire… Even if it was not one of my family, our vampire friends would visit us on occasion and our presence drew curious nomads to us.
Disaster had been averted this time, but what about the next time?
I had been the one positioned over her life by fate as her intended killer. I had resisted killing her that first day and so fate had tried to accomplish the job by sending a van to crush her – which I stopped, exposing my speed and strength to her in the process. I refused to answer her questions about me, but resourceful as always, she figured out what I was on her own. Just knowing about our existence put her life in danger. If the Volturi were to ever find out that she knew, they would punish us both. Then fate sent a gang of men who intended to rape and murder her – again prevented by me. I had seen in their minds what they planned to do and rescued her from that horrible death. In the process, I had exposed my ability to read minds as well as my own feelings for her.
Then, unforgivably, I allowed myself to develop my relationship with her, and by giving in to my desire to be near her I put her life in danger every time I kissed her. No, every time I smelled her. Next, James and his sadistic hunt which ended in broken ribs, a broken leg, a cracked skull, a vampire bite, and almost being sucked dry by me in my attempt to save her from James's venom.
Now, I threw her across the room, trying to save her from my own brother when she gave herself a paper cut. I was a curse on her life. My existence doomed her. Even if I managed not to kill her, even if I continued to keep her alive from whatever future disasters fate had in store for her, what kind of life would she lead? How would she feel when her boyfriend looked more like her son, her grandson? When I looked like the child she could never have, because, of all the things I could buy her, I could never give her a family. Or a future. I could only give her death.
She said our love was enough, but she was only eighteen. She couldn't possibly know what she would want as she got older. When my chaste kisses could no longer satisfy her human needs, she was sure to want more from me than I could safely give her. As strong and pure as our love was, it could never be more than this.
I would love her for the rest of her life, for the rest of my existence, and my love for her would never fade. But I could never be worthy of her love.
I could never give her a life, except by removing myself from hers.
Fear flooded through me, then, as I knew what I had to do. As I had known from the very first day when I fled to Denali after school. As I had known all along what the right thing to do was and resisted, giving in to my selfish need for her. I had lingered, putting her in danger by allowing this love for her to grow, by allowing her to love me in return.
My frozen heart twisted and I groaned as I wrapped my arms across my chest, already feeling the ache of her absence. I sat on the rock beside Jasper and tried to gather the strength to do what I knew was right. I tried to ignore the shattering of my cold, dead heart as it broke at the thought of leaving her.
I could not leave.
I could not stay.
I had no choice. I would hurt her by leaving. I would kill her by staying.
My feelings for her would never change, but she was a human. Humans healed. She would get over my unhealthy love for her and move on to someone warm and human, someone who could give her a future and a family. Things I could never do, could never be. She would forget me in time, I was sure. I remembered my human life imperfectly, but I knew that human memories faded with time. My memories would remain clear and sharp – cuttingly sharp – for the rest of my existence. But my pain was a small price to pay if it bought her safety.
I brought back to mind every kiss we ever shared, every touch she graced me with, every smile she gave me, every kind word she spoke, and I remembered with desperate longing the sound of her voice every time she spoke the four words I loved to hear most. I love you, Edward.
Ah.
I rose from the rock and faced back home. "Come on, Jasper. Come back home with me. Please." My voice was flat, unemotional.
He slowly stood beside me and looked warily into my eyes. Like Alice and I, Jasper had an extra gift. He could feel and influence the emotions of those around him. I was sure he had felt my shifting emotions as I grappled with what I wanted – what I needed – and what I knew was right. He surely felt the despair radiating from me now.
"Edward – " He shook his head. Don't. Whatever it is you're thinking right now, don't.
I whispered, "She'll be better off without me. I have no choice; I have to go."
"No," he said, his eyes widening as he took in my meaning. Alice… Alice and I will go. We could join Rosalie and Emmett when they go back to Africa, or…
"No, Jasper. You leaving is not the answer. Not the only answer. I am the one putting her life in danger, not you. I can't allow you to suffer for my mistakes."
"You're not going to kill her Edward," he protested. "You love her. You've got more control than even Carlisle and – "
"Carlisle doesn't crave her blood! Not like I do. As for control," I scoffed, ashamed of myself, "it would only take a second, the slightest lapse for me to hurt her. Look at what I did tonight! That I haven't killed her yet is nothing short of a miracle. I can't – I won't be the cause of her death." I shook my head, my mind filled with the horrible images of Bella's future Alice had seen. Even now, the two possibilities were firm in her mind. Bella would become a vampire, or Bella would die. Either way, I would kill her. Her death was certain as long as I stayed.
He shook his head and opened his mouth to argue again, but this time I was the one who ran away. I fled from his words, his attempt to break my fragile resolve, and ran back toward the house to try to fix the mess I had made. I was sure Carlisle would be done by now and Bella would be clean and bandaged and ready to go home.
I slowed as I neared the house and picked up the end of Carlisle's conversation with Bella. He had been telling her my history, how he had found me and made me a vampire.
"I looked at Edward," I heard him say to her. "Sick as he was, he was still beautiful. There was something pure and good about his face. The kind of face I would have wanted my son to have." My face twisted at this. How I wished I could have been what he believed me to be.
"After all those years of indecision, I simply acted on a whim. I wheeled his mother to the morgue first, and then I came back for him. No one noticed that he was still breathing. There weren't enough hands, enough eyes, to keep track of half of what the patients needed. The morgue was empty – of the living, at least. I stole him out the back door, and carried him across the rooftops back to my home.
"I wasn't sure what had to be done. I settled for recreating the wounds I'd received myself, so many centuries earlier in London. I felt bad about that later. It was more painful and lingering than necessary.
"I wasn't sorry, though. I've never been sorry that I saved Edward." I was standing on the porch at this point. I knew he would have heard my footsteps. "I suppose I should take you home now." Unless you feel up to it?
Breathing carefully, I could smell fire and bleach, roses and cake, but those scents were a background to the smell of her blood. Thankfully, it had a slightly aged smell, no longer fresh and flowing, it was clotted and dried and not quite as powerful. I walked into the room, dreading every step. I knew what I had to do, but wasn't sure I had the strength. I shook my head and said, "I'll do that." I met her eyes warily, fearing what I would see there. She was covered in blood - the source of the remaining smell - and the remnants of the cake. Her eyes held only sadness. Holding myself rigid, I managed not to attack her.
"Carlisle can take me," she said.
Selfishly, I needed to stretch out what time with her I had left. Unwilling to have her leave my side just yet, I lied, "I'm fine. You'll need to change anyway. You'd give Charlie a heart attack the way you look. I'll have Alice get you something." I couldn't stand looking at the damage I'd done any longer and strode back out the kitchen door.
That didn't prevent me from continuing to hear their conversation, though.
"He's very upset," she said softly.
"Yes. Tonight is exactly the kind of thing that he fears the most. You being put in danger, because of what we are," Carlisle told her gently.
"It's not his fault," she argued.
"It's not yours, either."
I found Alice outside, with her arms around Jasper. "Alice," I said in a low voice.
She turned to me with wide, sad eyes.
"Bella needs something to wear. Her shirt is…" My throat closed and I couldn't continue. Alice's eyes went blank as the future flashed through her mind. Our house empty, our family scattered, she searched for me over and over in her strange imperfect visions, but my absence was certain. I turned and walked back to the house. Alice hurried ahead, trying to hide her despair. She loved Bella like a sister and missed her already.
"C'mon," she said to Bella. "I'll get you something less macabre to wear."
I waited by the front door and held it open as Bella came back downstairs wearing a clean shirt similar in cut and color to the one she had had on when she arrived. I knew Charlie would never know the difference.
Wait! Alice cried. "Take your things!" She pressed the gifts and camera into Bella's good arm and tried to smile. "You can thank me later, when you've opened them."
As I waited, Esme pleaded silently with me. Edward, don't blame yourself. It was an accident.
Carlisle, too, tried to reason with me. Son, Bella will be fine. Accidents happen. It wasn't your fault, Edward.
I looked away from them, my face set, incapable of speech. They didn't understand at all! It wasn't just that I had hurt her, though that was bad enough. I wanted to kill her! The monster within me wanted to, still. I could feel Bella watching me, but I didn't dare to look at her. Carlisle and Esme told Bella goodnight, but I knew that it would be more permanent than that.
Bella hurried to her car and I held the passenger door open for her. As I got in to the driver's side, Bella was kicking a big red bow under her seat. We both ignored the stereo while I silently pushed the truck toward Bella's home. I knew Bella was watching me, but I couldn't look at her.
Unable to bear the silence any longer, Bella said in a low, pained voice, "Say something."
"What do you want me to say?"
"Tell me you forgive me."
Fury. I knew she would try to blame herself. As if it was her fault for bleeding. As if she were to blame for my monstrosity.
"Forgive you? For what?"
"If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened."
I gritted my teeth. "Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut – that hardly deserves the death penalty."
"It's still my fault."
Unable to hold back any longer, I flung my words at her. "Your fault? If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends – " I said the word normal scathingly, " – the worst that could possibly have happened would be what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage? If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own – without someone throwing you into them – even then, what's the worst? You'd get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up – and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself."
I had held her human friends in such contempt. Mike's generic boy life, with his interchangeable fantasies and his pathetic attempts at courting the various high school girls – including Bella, especially Bella – had long been a source of irritation to me. Lauren was nasty to everyone and her envious thoughts were often aimed at Bella. Jessica's petty falseness as she smiled at Bella while suspecting everything she said and did made me want to keep Bella away from the lot of them. Although Angela's kindness made me glad for her friendship with Bella, she had never been of much interest to me.
But their teenaged misdemeanors were nothing compared to what I did on a daily basis. It was those teenagers I'd held in such contempt who were worthy of Bella, not I. I was a monster. Hadn't I proven it time and again? I had daydreamed of throwing Mike Newton across the room! I had imagined the sound his body would make as it hit the wall, the way his bones would feel as they snapped in my hands. Yet it was Bella, not Mike, who I had thrown… My teeth grinding, I pushed the gas pedal farther, trying to force the truck to hit sixty.
"How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?" she demanded.
"Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with," I growled.
"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton. I'd rather die than be with anyone but you."
"Don't be melodramatic, please." Having her be with someone – anyone – other than me was exactly what I needed – and dreaded – her to be. Healthy. Safe. Human.
"Well then, don't you be ridiculous."
I had no answer to that. We didn't speak again until I had parked the truck in front of her house. I gripped the steering wheel, trying not to snap it, but unable to let go.
"Will you stay tonight?" she asked quietly.
I was afraid if I stayed that I might never be able to leave. "I should go home."
"For my birthday?" she pleaded.
Oh, now she wants to celebrate. Sure. "You can't have it both ways – either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other." I tried to keep my voice stern, but my amusement leaked through.
"Okay. I've decided that I don't want you to ignore my birthday. I'll see you upstairs."
She hopped out and reached for her packages. I frowned at her. She didn't need to pretend anymore. "You don't have to take those."
"I want them."
"No, you don't. Carlisle and Esme spent money on you." She had made her feelings on this point clear. Despite the fact that my family had ignored her wishes, we had been sure that she would appreciate the gifts once they were hers. But now, in the aftermath of the disastrous evening, I wanted to forget the whole party.
"I'll live," she insisted, tucking her presents under her uninjured arm and slamming the door.
I was at her side before she could turn around. "Let me carry them, at least," I offered. She let me take them from her. "I'll be in your room."
"Thanks." She smiled at me. Her smile melted my willpower, undid all of my resolve, and I was unable to help myself from leaning close to her.
"Happy birthday." I gently pressed my hard, cold lips to her soft, warm ones, my dead heart aching. I had to force myself not to crush her body against mine as she stood on her toes to press herself even closer to me. Trying to seem cheerful for her, I gave her a half smile before I sprinted through the darkness up to her window and into her room. I climbed into the center of her bed to wait.
I could hear the game still playing downstairs as Charlie called out, "Bell?"
"Hey, Dad," she responded.
"How was it?"
"Alice went overboard. Flowers, cake, candles, presents – the whole bit." I laughed softly, shaking my head. Alice, I thought fondly. How I wished the night had gone differently. My laughter died in my throat.
"What did they get you?"
"A stereo for my truck." I was glad she got to open at least one present, if only so she could have something to tell Charlie. Gee, I don't know, Dad. I almost got eaten by a blood-crazed vampire before I could open my gifts, would not have gone over well.
"Wow."
"Yeah. Well, I'm calling it a night."
"I'll see you in the morning."
"See ya."
"What happened to your arm?" Charlie was almost as observant as his daughter.
"I tripped. It's nothing."
"Bella," Charlie sighed.
I could hear her running lightly up the stairs and into the bathroom. The water turned on and off several times before she finally opened her bedroom door. Her gifts were laid on the bed in front of me and I played with the ribbon that was tied onto my gift for her. I remembered my enthusiasm from this morning and could feel my chest tighten.
"Hi," I said softly. She pushed the gifts aside and climbed into my lap. I wrapped my arms around her and inhaled her sweet scent. I loved the way her warm body fit so perfectly against mine, like she was crafted for me exactly. I wasn't sure how I would ever be able to let her go.
"Hi," she said back. "Can I open my presents now?"
For weeks she had insisted that she wanted nothing for her birthday. Now, it was like she couldn't wait to open them.
"Where did the enthusiasm come from?"
"You made me curious."
She picked up the gift from Carlisle and Esme first. I took it from her gently. "Allow me," I said and tore the paper off, handing the box back to her.
"Are you sure I can handle lifting the lid?" she asked. Okay, maybe I was overdoing it, but I couldn't bear a repeat. I didn't answer her. She looked over the information on the paper the box had contained for a few minutes before it sank in.
"We're going to Jacksonville?" She actually sounded excited. Esme had gotten her two round trip tickets, assuring me that I'd be able to come up with an excuse to hang out inside while the sun was up.
"That's the idea."
"I can't believe it. Renée is going to flip! You don't mind, though, do you? It's sunny, you'll have to stay inside all day."
"I think I can handle it," I said. I'd have to tell Esme how pleased Bella was. "If I'd had any idea that you could respond to a gift this appropriately, I would have made you open it in front of Carlisle and Esme. I thought you'd complain," I said with a frown.
"Well, of course it's too much. But I get to take you with me!"
I forced a chuckle. "Now I wish I'd spent money on your present. I didn't realize that you were capable of being reasonable."
She reached for the half opened gift from me and Alice. I took it from her and tore the paper off again. When I handed the CD case back to her, she examined the clear case and the blank disk inside.
"What is it?"
I didn't answer, but took it back from her and reached for her CD player. Nervously, I held my breath as I waited for the music. Since she had stressed so often that time with me was the only gift she wanted, I had decided to give her a piece of myself. Alice had helped me record myself playing the pieces I had written on the piano. Bella's lullaby, the unnamed piece that was Esme's favorite, Clair de Lune, and all of the songs I loved to play the most. I had poured my love for Bella into each one and I watched her face sadly as she started to cry.
"Does your arm hurt?" I worried. I knew the anesthetic must have worn off by now.
"No, it's not my arm. It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more. I can't believe it." My frozen heart melted at her words. If I could have cried, I knew there would be tears streaming down my face, too.
"I didn't think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you here," I teased her, trying to keep the mood light.
"You're right." I noticed that she wiped her tears off with her uninjured arm only.
"How does your arm feel?"
"Just fine."
Fine again. Always the martyr. "I'll get you some Tylenol."
"I don't need anything," she protested, but I broke away from her embrace and headed for the bedroom door anyway.
"Charlie," she hissed at me.
"He won't catch me." I smirked. While I knew it certainly wasn't appropriate for a teenage girl's boyfriend to spend every night in her room – or any nights for that matter – I didn't let it bother me. We didn't do anything we couldn't have done in front of him. I just couldn't bear to be away from her. With that in mind, I flashed to the bathroom, grabbed a glass of water and the bottle of medicine and was back in her room within seconds.
She didn't fight me and took the pills without complaint, for which I was grateful. If I was the cause of her pain, at least I could help her relieve it.
"It's late," I said and scooped her into my arms. I threw back the covers and laid her gently back into her bed, tucking her in. I climbed onto the bed and lay down next to her. She snuggled up to me and I wrapped my arms around her, feeling the desire to be able to shed tears once again. I couldn't allow this to continue, but I couldn't make myself leave. I would hurt her if I left her. I would kill her if I stayed.
She sighed, sounding content to have me near. "Thanks again," she whispered.
"You're welcome."
"What are you thinking about?" she asked me. How many hundreds of times had I wondered the very same thing about her?
"I was thinking about right and wrong, actually." I was sure she would press me, and I wasn't sure how I would answer her. I needed to figure out how to make her let me go.
She surprised me by changing the subject. "Remember how I decided that I wanted you to not ignore my birthday?"
"Yes…" Where could she be going with this?
"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again."
"You're greedy tonight," I teased.
"Yes, I am – but please, don't do anything you don't want to do," she sounded annoyed.
I sighed. I wanted to kiss her. There was nothing I wanted more than to spend the rest her life kissing her. What I didn't want to do was to leave.
"Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do." I suddenly, desperately needed to kiss her. I put my hand under her chin and pulled her to me. I carefully pressed my lips to hers, hearing her heart speed up, feeling the burn in my throat, the ache in my chest. I was leaving. I had to leave if she was ever to lead a normal life. I had to give her that chance for happiness. The chance to live without my interference. She could not live under the constant threat of death that my presence in her life caused.
Knowing that I had to leave, I knew that this was to be our last kiss. As that knowledge exploded within me, I was suddenly unable to deny the passion I always felt for her. No longer kept under tight control, I gave in to my desperate, all-consuming need for her and pulled her to me. I twisted my hand in her hair, holding her to my face. Responding to my touch, feeling an urgency that echoed my own, she ran her fingers through my hair and pushed her soft body against mine.
I wanted her so badly. I wanted to stay. I wanted the moment to never end. I imagined with fierce longing what would have happened if I had been a human man. I imagined running my hands along her body, reaching under her shirt to feel her soft skin. How it might have felt to have her warm skin pressed against mine, what could have happened if I didn't have to worry about breaking her fragile body. I felt the human need to join our bodies together in a way that I never could. As the scene unfolded in my mind, I almost gave in to the overwhelming desire I felt for her. Stronger in that last moment than I had ever felt before. Before my fragile control could be overcome, I pushed her firmly away from me.
I gasped, my breath heaving, my body shaking, my every nerve singing. I felt waves of fire sweep over me. I heard her ragged breathing beside me, her racing heart.
"Sorry," I gasped. "That was out of line."
She was panting, trying to force enough oxygen into her system to keep up with her bounding heart. "I don't mind."
"Try to sleep, Bella." I frowned.
"No, I want you to kiss me again." Was she serious? I knew that she wanted more than I could give her. Did she not realize how fragile my self control was at this moment? If I touched my lips to hers again, I would be unable to stop myself from giving in to the desperate needs of my body, to the fire of my thirst. As out of control as I was at the moment, I would kill her for certain, crushing her fragile body with even a hug.
"You're overestimating my self-control," I said through gritted teeth.
"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" she teased. At the mention of her blood, I could again taste her on my lips, feel the awful ecstasy I'd felt when her taste had flooded my mouth. I fought the monster inside of me back yet again, determined not to let him control me. Grateful that I had been able to stop myself on that night, I pushed the memory away. I forced a grin and attempted to match her teasing tone.
"It's a tie," I told her honestly. "Now, why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?"
"Fine." She curled her body back against mine. I tried to relax and closed my eyes, listening to her breathe, hearing and feeling her heart, treasuring each beat. Eventually, she fell asleep.
I took a shuddering breath and tried to figure out how to do what needed to be done. I watched her face all night, trying to acquire the courage to face the next day.
All night, she whispered my name, dreaming of me over and over. She tossed and turned. "Don't go," she pleaded. "Stay…"
I wish I could.
As the sun crept into her room, I kissed the top of her head and slid gently from her embrace. My movement woke her up and she reached for me. I kissed her forehead and ducked out of her window.
