November
The car pulled up to an unfamiliar house. Alice opened the door and held her hand out to me. I watched her hand without moving until she let it slowly fall to her side. She left the door open and walked toward the house. After a moment I got out of the car and followed her inside.
"Edward!" A man and woman said in unison. I didn't look at them, didn't speak, just walked past them and wandered through the house until I found a room full of things I vaguely recognized. There was a bathroom off to one side and a closet full of clothes. My clothes were filthy from the time I'd spent in the forests and on the mountain. I was filthy. I stripped and went to take a shower. I stood in the water, not noticing if it was hot or cold. There was no warmth in my life anymore. I'd left my only source of warmth behind.
Eventually, I emerged from the shower and put on clean clothes. The motions were automatic – pointless things done out of habit. I could hear voices from elsewhere in the house.
"Where did you find him?" A man's voice.
"Just past Calgary." The girl from the car… Alice.
"Thank you, Alice. Thank you for bringing him home." A woman's voice this time.
I felt that I should be able to recognize the voices, like I knew the people who were speaking, but they weren't important. Some thought was intruding on my emptiness. Something I'd forgotten. Wasn't I going somewhere? I'd been walking. Was this where I'd been walking to? Somehow I didn't think so. I looked curiously out of the window, but the bare, snowy landscape was unfamiliar.
I thought there was something important that was missing.
What had I forgotten? Why was I standing in this unfamiliar room? I cocked my head to the side and tried to think. I looked down at myself. I was in pain, but I could see nothing wrong. I felt like I was standing in a fire, like a thousand needles were penetrating my skin. I felt as though I had been flayed, every nerve ending exposed and crying out to me, but my body was cold and smooth. Hard. Dead.
Why did I hurt? I didn't remember hurting before… before… I began to tremble, my hands shook. I clenched my fists. A low moan escaped my gritted teeth.
"How is he?" The man again.
An angry sigh. "I don't know. Bad. He won't talk to me. I'm not even sure he heard me."
"I don't feel… anything." A man's voice, a new one this time. He sounded confused.
"What do you mean?" The woman again.
"Just that. If I hadn't seen him walk past, I wouldn't have known he was there."
I heard someone pacing. Angry fast steps.
"This is so stupid!"
"Alice," the first man's voice chided. "It's his decision."
"Well, he's decided wrong!"
"The future can change, Alice. Your visions are not certain. Things are hard now, I know, but they'll get better."
"No, Carlisle. I don't see that happening. I'm afraid that neither one of them will get over this. I can't stand seeing her suffer! And for what? Nothing! This isn't going to work!"
"You promised not to watch her, Alice." The woman's voice again, angry.
"I'm not watching her, Esme. But I can't help that I'm so tuned in to her… I… I miss her, Esme…" her voice choked.
"I know, Alice. We've all missed them both." Her voice was gentle this time, sad.
"Speak for yourself," another female said, scornfully.
"Rose!" The woman, her voice low and furious. I heard a chair move, then a harsh growl followed by angry footsteps and a slamming door.
I wondered who they were talking about. If there was someone they were missing, why had she been searching for me? I couldn't organize my thoughts, force their words to make sense.
A pair of chocolate brown eyes flashed in front of my face. A gasp escaped from my lips. I knew those eyes. A quiet laugh sounded in my ears. I knew the laugh, too. My breathing accelerated. A memory of warm hands on my face, a sweet, floral scent, like freesia, with a hint of strawberry.
Suddenly I remembered what I'd been missing. My memories burst inside of me with an explosive force so strong I was shocked that I remained standing. The fog I'd been in cleared as if burned off by a flash fire. The emptiness inside of me gone, I was filled with grief, with despair, with an acute loneliness I knew I would feel for the rest of my existence.
Bella… Bella. Bella was what I was missing.
I gasped her name. "Bella."
I fell to my knees. Bella. I lowered my head until my forehead rested against the floor, my arms across my chest, trying not to scream. Bella. My angel, my sanctuary, my warmth, my reason. My Bella.
I heard a voice downstairs cry out, then a muffled gasping.
"Jasper?" Alice's voice, worried now.
I put my hands over my ears, but that didn't stop their thoughts. They were worried. About me. I tuned out the voices coming from downstairs, unable to bear hearing any more of their conversation. I shook my head. Clenched my eyes shut. Heard a high pitched moan and realized it was coming from me.
I stood up suddenly and strode from the room. I stalked past the members of my family who were gathered in the living room. I didn't acknowledge them, ignored their words, spoken and unspoken. I walked with careful strides out of the house and across the snowy landscape. I wasn't leaving; I had nowhere to go.
The house was on the side of a hill overlooking a body of salt water. I walked until the house was no longer in view, then I slumped down and stared out at the water without seeing it. The breeze moved my hair and I smelled the salty tang that it brought. I wrapped my arms loosely around my knees and felt myself begin to rock slowly back and forth.
Bella. I closed my eyes, wishing I could cry.
After a time, Carlisle sat down beside me. He didn't speak and kept his thoughts carefully silent. Just offering his presence. I heard loud voices coming from the house, an argument. Carlisle hissed and stood. Before he walked away, he placed his hand on my shoulder.
I'm glad you're here, my son.
I could feel his love for me in the gentle touch. But his love was a pale echo compared to the one I had lost. The love I had forced away with lies and harsh words. The love I had betrayed. The pure perfect love of my angel. My Bella.
Carlisle's angry voice stopped the argument and the house was silent again.
I was aware again of time passing, but this time I knew why I burned. I knew where the pain came from and what was missing. Bella. I thought about her. Couldn't stop thinking about her. Wondered how she was doing. Pictured her with her human friends, safe. Pretending an interest in sports with Charlie. Reading her classics. I tried to imagine her laughing, but somehow my absence made this image seem impossible. I knew it wouldn't have taken long for the human boys to take advantage of my absence. I remembered her annoyance at the silly humans who had tried to win her heart and couldn't imagine her with any of them. I was the one she had said yes to. But I was sure she would meet someone, someday who she would say yes to again.
I knew Renée wanted her to come to Florida. I pictured Bella on the beach, standing in sunlight. I could see how the sun would turn her hair into spun gold, tinted red, a dark, liquid honey. I imagined how the salt would mix with her scent, could smell how the tang of the sea would accent her sweet floral flavor, the sweet and the salty combining into something new and yet still so deliciously Bella. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, liking this image. Wanting it to be real. Wanting her to be happy.
As I never would be again.
Occasionally my family would come to sit with me as Carlisle had. Esme, Emmett, and Jasper giving me what comfort they could. We never spoke – or if they did I didn't hear them – they didn't push me. Jasper kept his emotions to himself, knowing that I didn't want or need any false peace. There was no peace for me. I was an eye in the center of a hurricane. My body was still, except for the slow, steady rocking. My thoughts and emotions were violent fire storms. I burned, my body needing her touch. I'd once told her she was like a drug for me. My own personal brand of heroin, she had called herself. She'd been more right than she could ever have known. I wondered if this was what withdrawal was like. But unlike a recovering addict, I knew there would be no end to my pain, to my need for her.
"How long has it been since you've hunted, Edward?"
I hadn't realized Carlisle was sitting beside me again. I shook my head. I wasn't thirsty.
"Edward."
I clenched my eyes shut and shook my head again, harder this time.
"Are you trying to starve yourself?" His voice was hard, accusing.
"No." I felt his astonishment. I'd answered! Responded to a question.
"Then why – "
"Go away, Carlisle." My hands balled into fists.
"Edward, I know you need time, but this isn't good for you."
"I'm not thirsty." I spoke through gritted teeth, each word a harsh growl.
"You need to hunt."
Resolutely, I shook my head again.
"You're going to get weak, you need– "
I put my hands over my ears. I didn't want to hear him. "I need you to leave me alone, Carlisle."
Ruthlessly, he pictured his early days as a vampire. Before he found out that he could live on the blood of animals, he'd tried to starve himself; grew weak, desperate with the thirst. I wasn't sure how long a vampire could go without blood, but the thirst only grew into a worse and worse pain. It wouldn't kill us. And I was already in agony. The escalation of pain from thirst at this point was like throwing a match on a raging forest fire. Technically an increase, but unimportant overall.
I shook my head at him again, impatient for him to leave me alone.
He sighed, then began to picture the other ways he'd tried – and failed – to kill himself. I knew what he was asking. And the answer was no. Not as long as she lived. My life was tied to hers. Even if I couldn't be with her, even if I'd left her, I would exist. As long as she did.
"No, Carlisle," I said softly. "I'm not trying to… I don't want to…"
It's okay, my son. You don't have to say it. As long as you aren't thinking it.
I shook my head again, slowly this time. I wasn't.
"Edward. Please, come hunt with me."
I sighed, opened my eyes. I took my hands away from my ears and wrapped my arms around my legs again. Went back to my slow rocking. I didn't notice when he left.
I considered what I was doing. Vampires did not fidget the way humans did. Unless engaged in an activity, our kind were often completely still. Yet I was moving, automatically, unthinkingly rocking. Why did the rocking seem to help when nothing else did? I contemplated the rhythm my body was moving in without my conscious volition. It suggested a pattern to me. Something I was familiar with. Back and forth. Back and forth. Slow, steady, constant. Like a heartbeat. Then it hit me. I was moving my body to the sound of her heart, the quiet resting pace I'd listened to for so many nights as she'd dreamed. Of me.
Bella…
