January
I paced slowly down the street, my hands shoved in my pockets, my shoulders hunched. This had been a mistake. I should have recognized the warning signs. The eager way I drove. The lessening of the pain in my chest with every mile.
I was too close. Far too close.
How many times had I made the short run from Forks to Seattle? I could be there within an hour. Less. My feet ached to fly across the ground that separated me from my home.
Home.
It called me. As if the town had its own gravitational pull, but only I could feel it. I should not have come here. It was taking all of my very limited willpower to resist.
I was a demon, cast out of heaven, still circling the gates looking for a way back in. Hoping for a reprieve that would never come. Only I was no fallen angel. I could almost believe Carlisle. He insisted that our souls were not lost. Heaven and hell were reserved for those with souls. Surely this was not Seattle; this was hell.
I leaned against the building I had been passing and closed my eyes. I'd been looking for something to help me in my search for Victoria for weeks now and was just as unsure where to find her now as when I had started. And all the while I was searching, Bella's disappearing future loomed closer.
I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. I stared ahead of myself, not seeing the store front across the street, concentrating on where to search for Victoria next. I had wandered the city, listening and smelling. The daily thoughts of the people of Seattle had filled my head, but it was a predator's thoughts I was searching for, a killer like myself. I hoped I would be able to cross the path of a vampire I could follow and watch. I didn't expect to simply run across Victoria, that would have been too easy, but nomads often ran into each other during their travels. I hoped that, if I found another nomad, perhaps they knew of Victoria or had seen her.
Suddenly the store in front of me swam into focus and I gasped. Staring at me from out of the wide glass storefront was a pale skinned, red eyed vampire. He was unmoving, still as our kind often was, and didn't seem to see me or the people all around him. I read the store's name on the sign above the vampire's still figure. Blood Lust. With a short laugh I realized what I was seeing was an unusually lifelike re-creation, an advertisement for the store that sold vampire paraphernalia to those odd mortals who seemed to worship the vampire way of life.
Curious, I found myself drawn across the street to the store. I smirked, the first genuine smile to cross my face in months at the thought of what Bella would think of this store. Of me going in. I thought she would have laughed. She'd always been able to poke fun at my vampire nature. I wondered what they'd think if they knew a real vampire stood just outside. Unable to resist, I opened the door.
The air was thick, heavy with a smoky perfume. Everywhere I looked, there were mouths distorted by large fangs dripping with blood. I trailed my fingers along the glass case that held jewelry adorned with skulls and spiders. I paused by a rack of plastic bags shaped like units of blood. I read the labels and scoffed. Fruit juice? I shook my head and continued browsing. There were racks of clothes; shelves full of candles, candy, and cards; dolls and decorations; red, glittering strings of lights shaped like drops of blood; an entire wall of books; coffin shaped jewelry boxes, dishes, and cups. I stopped by a counter with make-up supplies, my eyes caught by a row of small boxes. Contacts, to give mortals strange shaped pupils, to turn the entire eye black or silver, or to turn their irises red.
Hmmm.
I considered for a moment. Those might actually be useful. Assuming I ever did run into another vampire, I knew that my eyes marked me as different. Those who drank human blood had the red eyes of the advertisement on the storefront. Animal blood was of a slightly different make-up, though, and my family's eyes were shades of gold. My eyes had returned to thirsty black, but I knew even that was bad. No vampire wanted a thirsty vampire hunting on their territory. The contacts wouldn't last long as my body's toxicity would break them down quickly, but it should be long enough for my purposes.
"Hi there." I looked up to see the clerk watching me. She flashed those silly fake fangs at me when she smiled. Her arms were covered with tattoos, but her face was almost childlike, open and friendly. "Can I help you with anything?" Um, wow, dude… nice make-up…
My lips twitched. "I'll take a couple pair of the red irises," I told her, enjoying the unfamiliar urge to laugh.
"Sure, no problem," she said and started a sales pitch on other items she thought I might also be interested in. Her internal dialog was considering making a different type of offer to me and I rolled my eyes. As she rang up my purchase and bagged the contacts, she kept chattering about the local vampire night-life, mentioning local clubs and authentic vampire hang-outs her internal voice was considering inviting me to.
A part of me was suddenly tempted by her offer. Not because I was attracted to her body – far from it – but because I was unexpectedly caught by her scent. Her heart beat was loud in the store and we were alone. Bella was lost to me, heaven was closed. What reason is there not to do what it is in your nature to do? asked my red eyed monster.
I interrupted her chatter, annoyed at how she seemed so fascinated by the kind of life others of my kind lived – the life I had once lived. The kind of life the monster in me wanted to live again.
"You do realize that if you ever ran into an… authentic vampire… they'd be more likely to kill you than to hang out with you, don't you?" I said coldly. I felt the familiar burn in my throat and the tensing of my muscles, tasted the flow of venom in my mouth. I was glaring at her now, a harsh growl in my throat, angry at the thought of this girl seeking out danger. It made me afraid, and I heard my words echo in my ears. Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?
"Well, it's not… like it's…" She seemed to sense the danger she was in and her words trailed off, but I heard them continue in her thoughts and whispered them back to her.
"What? Real?" I flashed around the counter and leaned close to speak in her ear, continuing to voice her thoughts. "It's all just sex fantasies and wish fulfillment? Hmm?" She gasped and whirled, but I was already back in front of the counter. "A game?" She turned back to me, breathing fast. "And would it seem like such a fun game when one of… them… took your life, draining you of every drop of your blood? Or worse, left you to burn with an unquenchable thirst for eternity?"
My voice was harsh, my fists clenched with the pain of fighting my monster back. I saw her face pale, saw in her mind my angry expression and knew I had frightened her. Good. I took a step toward her and she took an automatic step back. Grimly, I snatched my bag from her hands and stalked out of the store.
Ridiculous humans! They knew nothing of what they sought. It was all a game to them, a roll-playing fantasy, a mockery of my life. They wanted to be vampires – or thought they did, not understanding what it really meant. How they would live in torment for eternity. How they would lose the essence of who they were as they killed those they had once befriended. The humans belonged to each other and the world in which they lived. We did not. We lived alone, except for those few who were fortunate enough to find a mate – my dead heart twisted at this thought – never belonging to anything except for our thirst again. I thought of my endless days and nights, of living in a monotonous boredom as unchanging as I was.
Until I had met the girl who had changed everything.
"Bella," I moaned. She had wanted to be a vampire, too. She, better than anyone, had understood what that meant. Still, she sought to end her life, to damn her soul for eternity. Just to be with me. Yet how she would hate me if I ever let it happen. If I were to take from her the beautiful humanity that was her heritage, to turn her into a killer like myself.
Of all my family, only Carlisle had managed to avoid killing even one human. Rosalie had killed the men who had hurt her, Emmett had been unable to resist the blood of humans on many occasions, as he had so vividly shared with me. Jasper had killed thousands. Even Esme and Alice, before she found Jasper, had lived as any newborns did, feral and thirsty.
And me. I had killed so many I lost count. People whose lives were ended because of my monstrosity. Sure, I had tried to do good, stalking those who preyed on others, but I knew that from the moment I first tasted human blood my soul was lost, my damnation complete. How could I do that to Bella? I could not bear the thought of her killing anyone. She was so pure and good, she deserved someone as pure and good as herself. Not a monster; not a killer. She deserved a good life and, when her living was done, many, many years from now, she deserved the peace of heaven. I would not take that from her.
I crouched on the edge of a rooftop and stared out at the city below me. I was suddenly taken over by an image of eternity spent, not in suffering, but in the bliss of her arms. Oh, how I wanted her. What need had I of heaven if I could spend eternity in the arms of my angel? I could feel again her gentle caress, her sweet kisses. I cried out in pain and clenched my arms to my chest. I was hollow, empty without her. The future that had been so close was tangible. I could see her, hear her, taste her, smell her.
Her absence was like losing a part of me. My body ached without her; remembered her touch like a searing flame. More essential than air to a human's lungs, a craving more powerful than any thirst, my physical need of her was total, consuming, overwhelming.
Alice was right. I could not survive without Bella.
Almost I turned to go back to her when I smelled an unfamiliar scent. Unfamiliar, yet I recognized it at once. A vampire.
Instantly alert, I traced the elusive scent. I cast my mind out, listening for the thoughts of the predator. I could not go back to her. Heaven was lost. All that was left was for me to keep her safe. And that meant finding Victoria.
As I jumped from rooftop to rooftop, the scent grew stronger. I caught the edge of a thought, the thought I had been searching for. Hunger, thirst.
Carefully, keeping downwind, I crept to the edge of the roof and peered over the edge. Walking down an alley was a young girl, and behind her, keeping to the shadows, was the predator I had been searching for. Hastily, I applied a pair of the red contacts to my eyes, blinking and trying to focus around their annoying haze. I watched the vampire creep behind the girl. He stayed just out of sight, letting a small noise announce his presence. She glanced back, fearful, but saw nothing. He was playing with her, cat and mouse, drawing out the chase.
My face twisted into an angry scowl, remembering all too well when my Bella had been the object of such a chase. Without hesitating, I jumped down to the street, landing lightly just in front of the predator.
He crouched low, defensive, and hissed at me. I kept my posture relaxed. I only wished to talk, ask him about the object of my chase, but also, if possible, to distract him from the young girl. I knew it was foolish. If he did not kill this girl, he would just find another to replace her with. But in protecting this anonymous girl, I felt closer to Bella.
He feinted to one side, then another. I didn't move; I wasn't looking for a fight and I could see that reacting to his movements would lead to an instant attack. Cautiously he straightened. I stared into his crimson eyes, seeing the mirror of my past. He was young, tall and lean, with a haughty twist to his lips. The girl was unaware of the two monsters behind her, but she hurried out of the alley, her senses telling her she was in danger. Finally, the predator spoke, putting voice to his thoughts.
"What do you want, huh? You've interrupted me in the middle of dinner." He grinned, flashing his teeth at me, enjoying his own humor. I was slightly disgusted, but did my best to hide it.
"I was just looking for someone," I replied cautiously.
"Well, you've found someone. Now bugger off." He was acting hostile, but I could hear the playful tone in his thoughts.
Most vampires were essentially loaners, but often they would band together for short periods of time for mutual protection and a remaining human need for companionship. These pairings didn't usually last long, but if he were willing to be friendly, it would help in my search immensely.
I forced myself to smile at him, "Well, you are correct, there. I did find you. But you aren't exactly who I was looking for. Rather, I was looking for anyone who could help point me in the right direction."
He smirked at me and lifted a finger, pointing down the alley in the opposite direction the girl had taken. "That way, mate."
I gave him a false grin in response. "Have you met many other vampires in Seattle?" I asked bluntly.
"Oh, sure, there are loads of us." In his sarcastic comment, I could see him flicker briefly through the images of the few vampires he had known. None of them were the red-haired Victoria I sought. He stalked slowly around me, his thoughts wondering loudly just exactly what I was looking for and why. He considered himself very dangerous and was surprised and offended when I allowed him to circle around behind me. He had wanted me to fear him. I read his intentions before he could act and jumped out of his reach, landing lightly behind him when he moved to attack me.
I merely looked at him with a polite expression on my face when he whipped around to face me, deliberately ignoring his attempt to attack me. While not a newborn, the vampire was young, only a few years old, and overconfident. I picked his mind while he attempted to figure me out. He had not had many interactions with other vampires, but mostly they had been related to territory disputes. He had killed two newborns who had poached on what he considered to be his hunting grounds and was trying to figure out if he needed to do the same with me.
"I'm trying to track down an old acquaintance of mine." I told him. "The last I saw him, he was in Seattle and I haven't been able to find him."
"Perhaps I killed your friend, then," he hissed softly. He circled me once more. "I've taken down several in the past month alone," he lied. Then he rushed me a second time. Once again, I heard his intentions before he acted and whirled around him, landing behind him and grabbing his arms as he tried to best me once more. I growled in his ear and released him, flashing across to lean casually against the alley wall.
"Really?" I said, scorn in my voice. I'd had too many wrestling matches with Jasper and Emmett for this vampire to be able to intimidate or catch me. Reading minds was a valuable asset in a fight, easily giving me an initial upper hand. Of course, Emmett knew of my abilities and how best to combat them. Usually, after the initial rush – which I deflected easily – he would be able to pin me… if he was able to catch me. Emmett was the strongest vampire I'd ever met, but I was faster and we only wrestled for play; he never used all of his massive strength against me. This vampire had no idea I could read his mind and his strength was no more than that of any other vampire.
He eyed me with slightly more respect, grudgingly deciding not to antagonize me. "Alright, then. Who are you looking for?"
I didn't want to ask about Victoria directly, so I probed for information, "His name is James."
"Nope, sorry, mate."
"How about Laurent? They knew each other, too." I saw a flicker of the black haired vampire and felt my excitement build.
"Yeah, sure, I knew a Laurent. He left town about a month back with some blond chick. Ain't seen him since." The image of Irina was strong in his mind and I felt disappointed. If he had been here with Irina, surely he had not been in contact with Victoria.
"Blond chick?" I prompted, hoping for more information.
"Sure, weird chick. Weird eyes." Though they were currently black, I was glad I had thought to disguise my own eyes with the red tinted contacts.
"Know any other female vampires?" I pushed him, wanting to end this quickly. I knew that my contacts would not last long before they disintegrated and was already tired of his mind.
He laughed, a low lewd sneer. "Ah, so that's it, eh? You're not looking for a friend. You're looking for a girlfriend. I see." I felt an instant fury at his statement. But I supposed, to his point of view, it made sense. Why else would I be looking for a female vampire? I decided not to argue with him. He was vulgar and far too pleased with his fate as a predator.
"Well, do you?" I demanded.
He considered how best to answer my question, but I saw what I was looking for in a flash of red. It was nearly impossible to contain my impatience, to force myself to wait for him to speak.
"Man, chicks are more trouble than they're worth. If you're looking for some fun, just grab a little dinner date." He laughed loudly at his crude joke.
"Dinner date," I mumbled, disgusted. I fought down a fierce desire to kill this monster. Though heaven was barred to me, I knew Bella deserved better than a killer and, though I could not have her, had pushed her away from me, I still wanted to be what she believed me to be.
"Yeah, sure. Seattle is a hot spot for a bit of vampire fun. Just turn on the charm, wear some fake fangs, and the chicks will follow you anywhere. Then when you've got 'em alone…" He leered at me, chuckling, and I saw the memory of what he was suggesting. I had resisted the urge to join with Bella in the way of a man with his beloved, knowing I would kill her if I tried, and here was a creature who had memories of just such trysts. It didn't matter to him if the women he bedded were harmed. It was his intention to kill them afterwards.
Coming to a sudden decision, I knew I could not let this monster continue to prowl. I had not been able to kill the human monster who had threatened Bella, but this was a creature as damned as I was and far more dangerous than the human had been. I wondered if it would truly be considered murder as he was already dead. Since I didn't plan on leaving him alive, I stopped trying for discretion and spoke plainly.
"The female I'm looking for is named Victoria. She has red hair. Do you know where she is or where I might find her?" When he heard her name, he automatically remembered his one brief encounter with the ferocious red haired vampire. Like me, she'd been looking for information, looking for other vampires who could help her.
"What information did she want?" I demanded, abandoning all caution and advancing on the predator in front of me. "What did she want help with?"
"What? What are you talking about?" He was astonished, but again, his mind gave me some of what I wanted to know. She was looking for vampires to join her, to help her fight. She'd seen him fighting with a newborn which the predator in front of me had killed when he'd found the newborn hunting in his territory.
"And then what? Did you ever see her again? The red head?" He'd seen her only once after that, heading out of the city, running south. South. That wasn't much help, but at least I knew she was no longer in Seattle.
"What the hell, man? Who are you?"
I charged him then, using all of my speed to sweep him from his feet before he knew I was coming. He hit the ground hard and rolled to escape me. My fist punched a hole into the pavement, missing his head by inches. Flipping over, he sprang back onto his feet and flung himself at me. I saw his intent and moved before he could touch me. I used the wall as a spring, feeling the bricks crack as I pushed off, and grabbed his arm while he was still in midair. Using my momentum and twisting with all of my might, I heard a horrid metallic screeching as I tore his arm from his body. He hit the ground shrieking. I threw his arm away and came for him again. He tried to use his remaining arm to ward me off. He grappled with me trying to gain the upper hand, but with a vicious twist, I separated that appendage from his body as well.
My mind was consumed with rage as I remembered the human I had been unable to kill, and James, whom my brothers had killed. It was right for me to make the women of this city at least a little safer by removing this predator. With a fierce kick, I forced him to the ground. While my foot held his body to the ground, I grabbed his head and strained. He was screeching, gnashing his teeth as I separated his head from his shoulders.
I threw his head into a dumpster, then gathered his arms and body and threw them in as well. The dumpster was full of paper refuse and caught fire easily. I grimly watched as the fire consumed his body, reducing the predator to ashes. He would hunt no more.
I felt sick. I was a killer again. No matter that it was a well deserved fate, for did I not deserve the same fate? Leaving the scene, my mind full of Bella, I wondered what this night would cost me.
Yet I was unable to regret my actions. I knew only too well that by killing this particular killer, I had prevented someone else's Bella from suffering a terrible fate. I also knew how close Seattle was to Forks, and the thought of my Bella visiting Seattle and being stalked sent waves of terror coursing through me. This monster was dead, but there were always others out there and I couldn't exactly go around killing every vampire I came across.
I knew though, that if necessary, I'd kill again and again in order to keep her safe. Feeling myself more damned than ever before, I ran to the area where Victoria had encountered the predator. I had been so close to returning to Bella not even an hour previous and I grieved anew at my loss. I was unworthy of her. A killer. A predator no better than the one I had just killed. She was better off without me. I wished with all that I was that I had met her as a mortal man, that I could have lived a human life time in her presence. But if I was doomed to be a monster, I was determined to put my monstrosity to use. No matter what it took, I would make her safe.
