Volterra
The flight from Rio to Frankfurt and then from there to Florence would take about fifteen hours including the hour layover. I did not fret over the delay. It gave me the time I needed to make my plans. The seat beside me had been occupied, but almost as soon as we were airborne, the passenger had quietly requested permission of the stewardess to move to an empty seat far away from me. After one glance at me, the stewardess had agreed.
At any other time I might have been amused.
The last time I was on a plane, I'd had to fight my desire to kill the humans who flew with me. This time, they were perfectly safe from me. I had no thirst; I had no craving for their blood. The only thing I desired was an end to my pain. They could all have bled in front of me for all I cared and I would have ignored them as thoroughly as I was ignoring them now.
I had never been to Italy. Carlisle had shared with me his experience with the powerful coven who ruled over the city of Volterra and I'd had no desire to see them for myself. I knew that they were the peacekeepers of our world. They were the ones who made the laws we lived by and they were the ones who enforced them. The coven was made of only five central members, Aro and his mate, Caius and his mate, and Marcus. But they – like Maria – had a large guard in their service. The guard served to protect the members of the coven and as the force behind the coven's power. They were also used as hunters since the coven members rarely left their palace.
Aro, Caius, and Marcus had all known Carlisle. They were not exactly friends, more that, like Rafael had found me amusing, the Volturi found Carlisle amusing. At nearly three thousand years old, Aro's biggest problem was boredom. Carlisle was the first vampire – and the only one Aro had ever met – to deny his nature and live on the blood of animals rather than humans. Aro had found it entertaining to try to change Carlisle's ways and would bring bleeding humans to him, trying to tempt him. Of course, they never did. Carlisle had never once killed a human. The first time he had ever tasted human blood was when he bit me, though his aim with me was not sustenance, but companionship.
I was concerned that, due to my relationship with Carlisle, they might not be willing to end my life. I was sure I could force their hand if it came down to it. They were absolute about maintaining the laws, and if I needed to, I would break every law ever made in order to get them to end my suffering.
Trying to distract myself from the reason why I was going there, I spent the flight going over and over what I would do when I arrived. How I would phrase my request. What I would do if they refused.
The number one law, to keep our existence a secret, would be easy to break. We were fast, strong, hard, and nearly indestructible. I could jump in front of a moving vehicle. It wouldn't damage me, but the car would be totaled. I could pick a car up over my head and throw it into a building. I could run through the streets, but I moved so fast I knew no humans would see me, so I dismissed that option.
Another law, one that was fiercely enforced, was that hunting was not allowed in their city. I had killed humans before. I had killed vampires over the last few months. What was one life more or less? I was damned already; how much worse could it get? A killing spree would be a sure way to force them to end me.
I could bite, but not kill, every human I ran into in Volterra. Their screams of transformation would surely raise alarm and the coven would punish me the same as if I had killed.
Aware of the change in cabin pressure, I realized we were descending. The flight had passed in a blur of pain. I waited as we taxied to a stop and remained in my seat with my eyes closed while the other passengers disembarked. They jostled each other as they retrieved their bags from the overhead storage and jockeyed for position to be the first off the plane. When the plane was nearly empty and the flight attendants were eyeing me, trying to work up the courage to ask me to leave, I opened my eyes and stood. I took my place at the end of the line and stepped into the tunnel that connected the plane to the airport.
The terminal for the next leg of my flight was easy to find and I leaned against a wall, avoiding the light streaming through the large windows. I kept my eyes closed, tried to keep my expression blank. Still, the humans gave me a wide berth as they walked past me. I ignored them, tuning out their thoughts and voices. I was listening only for the announcement that my next plane was ready to board.
From Frankfurt to Florence was a short hour's hop and I was relieved that it was almost over when we finally landed. My life was over; my body just didn't know it yet. Soon, I promised myself. The end was near and it couldn't come quick enough. The loading and unloading area in front of the airport was covered and I stepped outside, not caring that the sun had yet to set. In no condition to drive, I hailed a taxi, gave the driver my destination, and curled up in the seat to wait.
While he drove, I allowed my thoughts to return to Bella. She had loved me. Why had it taken her death to make me see that? What I wouldn't give to have known, to have understood before. I knew that I would have suffered anything to be with her. I wished desperately, more fiercely than I had ever done so before that I could have been able to read her mind. If I had, I would have known how she felt, would have known that she couldn't live without me any more than I could live without her. If I had, I would never have left, would even, at that very moment, have been lying with her asleep in my arms. We could have spent eternity in each other's arms. Heaven couldn't compare. Now, with the knowledge of her death – of her suicide – hell held no possible threat that could torment me.
The knowledge of her suicide was a torture worse than any thirst. The remembered pain I felt that first day when I had smelled her was nothing. The driving need to drink her I had felt every second I spent in her presence was nothing. The despair and aching loneliness of the past seven months were nothing. Her death was agony to me. I knew that there was no pain I would ever feel that could compare.
How could she have loved me so much? I didn't understand. What was I compared to her? She was beautiful, naturally, an angel in human form. My beauty was false, a snare, a predator's lure. She was so good, gentle, selfless, and kind. I was a selfish jerk, as Rosalie had pointed out to me. I had enjoyed the human's fear of me and pitied their trivial lives. She always put the needs of those around her before her own. The only time in my life when I had done that had been when I had left Bella, trying to put the safety of her life before my need for her. And look at the result. In trying to do good, evil had resulted.
Even living on animal blood instead of human was done for selfish reasons. It wasn't respect for the humans; the ones I had killed had been monsters. I did it because I didn't want to be like them. I didn't want to be evil. What I wanted made no difference. For I was evil. My very existence, my nature, my past, my deeds, all that I was, was evil.
Why hadn't she seen that?
Why had she ever loved me?
Why did she have to die?
As this thought flowed through me, I was unable to resist the pain any longer. My clenched teeth couldn't hold back the cries that tore from my throat, the moans that ripped from my chest. I whispered her name over and over, shuddering and gasping as the pain raked through me. I couldn't block from my mind the image of her still form, her lifeless body.
"Signore," the driver spoke. "Siamo arrivati."
I took a shuddering breath and looked up. I'd forgotten I was in a car, that there was a human driving. He was watching me in his rearview mirror with a strange look on his face. It took a moment for me to comprehend what he'd said, but when I heard his thoughts I understood. I was in a taxi, we had arrived at my destination, and he wanted me out of his cab.
"Grazie," I mumbled and gave him the contents of my wallet; I had no further use for it. I got out and glanced up at the palace on the mountain above me before turning to enter the building.
He had parked under the overhang in front of a church at the foot of the mountain. It was an ancient building, as old as the city itself. Set within the side of the mountain, only the front was visible, the vast size of the building was hidden from view. Solidly built, the stonework was detailed with carvings and sculptures. The windows filled with masterpieces of stained glass. The interior walls and floors were marble, the pews a contrasting granite, bare of cover or pillowed seat cushions. The walls were covered with detailed tapestries, which had been woven into vivid pictures. These were not peaceful images of a savior, but rather, they depicted the gruesome images of hell, of bodies contorted in pain, of demons inflicting torments upon their charges. It was an apt representation of what the church truly contained. Unlike true churches that led to salvation and heaven, this church's only pathway led directly to hell.
I sat in one of the pews, waiting for the escort that I knew would arrive shortly. I fought down the misery I felt, not wanting them to witness my pain. Breathing steadily, I tried to empty my mind, tried not to think of where I was and why I was there. Concentrating on keeping myself under control I didn't hear the thoughts of the vampire who entered through a doorway hidden behind the pulpit. He looked young, as though he could have been an altar boy, though I knew him to be many centuries old. I'd seen his face in Carlisle's memory.
"Welcome to Volterra," the boy said. "Are you on a pilgrimage or do you seek an audience with Aro?"
"Aro, please," I said in a dull voice.
"Very well. Follow me." He turned away then, sweeping back to the hidden doorway. I was lead down a winding stairway, leaving behind the marbled façade and entering a stone tunnel that lead to the interior of the mountain. The tunnel was long and winding, cold and dimly lit, with no doors or branches. It lead directly into the castle.
… thirsty… hope Heidi is bringing a larger grouping this time… some variety… young and tender, not the old hags like the last time… get Jane to punish her if she raids another nursing home…
I wasn't even able to work up enough disgust at his bloodlust to try to tune out his thoughts. It didn't matter to me who he killed. I knew that the coven fed often and in large numbers. There was nothing I could do about it, even if I had wanted to. They killed all the time; I only hoped they'd be as willing to kill me.
"Wait here, please," he indicated a bench outside of a large doorway, the only door the tunnel contained except for the one in the church. I sat on the bench and he disappeared through the door. While I waited, I cast my mind out and discovered that the city was filled with many people – far more than I had expected. Tuning in on a few of their minds, I realized that they were here in celebration. Tomorrow was St. Marcus Day, one of the most popular holidays in the city. The humans believed that their city's safety was due to Father Marcus who, millennia ago, had driven the last vampire out of the city.
If the humans really understood what they were celebrating, they would have run in terror. "Father" Marcus, along with Aro and Caius, had claimed this city as their own and established their domination over other vampires with the help of the powerful abilities of those who served them. The city belonged to the vampires, with the coven owning nearly all of the surrounding lands and buildings.
The vampire returned. "Aro will see you, now." He held the door open as I stood. I took a steadying breath and went through. He led me through the castle, down damp tunnels that ran below the city and through brightly lit hallways that eventually ended in a round room at the top of the tallest tower of the castle.
Like the church had been, the room was covered in marble. There was a subtle sunburst worked into the floor around a drain from which emanated a nauseating smell of decay. The walls were high, the only windows were narrow slits up high by the ceiling. There was gold worked into the stone in such a way that the eye was drawn to the middle of three thrones that sat upon a raised dais.
On the left sat an ancient vampire with long black hair. Marcus. The expression on his face was one of bored indifference. His only thoughts were thirst and a vague need to serve and protect his brother.
On the right was another, just as old as Marcus. His hair was long and pale, so white it nearly blended into his pale skin. Caius. He was ignoring me, preoccupied with a matter of blatant law breaking that had been occurring in America. I didn't see what it was as he was concentrating on how and when to put a stop to it. He was going over the guard in his mind, considering who he should take with him in order to end the law breaker.
In the middle sat Aro. He was as ancient as the other two and, like Marcus, his hair was long and black. All three wore black robes. They were joined by a couple of guard members. A large vampire who sneered at me - Felix, a small girl - Jane, and another female who hovered behind Aro, protectively - Renata. The three ancient vampires showed their age. Though a vampire did not age and change the way humans did, these vampires were so old that their eyes had developed a film and their skin had taken on an odd brittle look. They looked as though a stiff wind would destroy them, tearing their skin apart and blowing through them like they were already ash without being burned.
This appearance was deceptive. These vampires were the royalty of our world. The film over their eyes and their fragile seeming skin was due to their immobility. As they rarely left their castle and had their human prey delivered directly to this very room, they had sat motionless for far too long. Their bodies had absorbed the dust of the centuries, losing their resilience and becoming brittle. Yet they were the most powerful vampires in the world. They were as physically strong as I was and the film over their eyes did not hinder their vision.
A single nod from any of the three was all it would take for Felix to tear me into pieces. A nod to Jane would have me writhing in agony before them faster than I could blink. I did not fear either possibility. I sought death at their hands and there was no pain they could inflict upon me that could compare to what I was already suffering.
Unlike his brothers, Aro's expression was one of delight. His thoughts were excited at the unexpected distraction of my visit.
"Hello!" he sang. "And who might you be?"
"My name is Edward Cullen," I answered, my voice steady, unemotional. "I believe you know my father, Carlisle."
"Ah! Carlisle! It has been centuries since he left us. How is he?"
"He is well, thank you."
"Is he still resisting his nature? Still hunting animals?" And does this one? If this boy claims Carlisle as his father, does he follow Carlisle's ways? He wasn't sure if he wanted the answer to be yes or no. He would have delighted in Carlisle's capitulation to his vampire nature, but he also wanted to see just how long he would be able to resist. I heard a scornful laugh, but ignored whoever it was.
"That is correct. And like him, I choose not to feed on humans."
Another who resists human blood? Amazing! I would never have thought it possible!
He glided over to stand in front of me and extended his hand, a glint of acquisition in his eyes. "It is very nice to meet you," he said, expecting me to shake his proffered hand. Slowly, deliberately, my black eyes never leaving Aro's red ones, I slipped my hands into my pockets. I heard the shock of my refusal in every mind in the room.
I was able to read every thought that passed through the minds of the vampires in the room with me, as well as those in the rooms surrounding us. The roar of the thoughts of the humans surrounding the castle was like the babble of a river; it flowed over me, through me, the thoughts blending together into a meaningless hum. But I could only hear what they were currently thinking. As Maria had done, and as my family would do when trying to keep something from me, it was possible for someone to disguise their thoughts by concentrating on something else hard enough.
Aro's ability was similar to mine, but far more powerful. Aro could read every thought a person had ever had. He needed only to touch a person once. Nothing could be hidden from him. I didn't want him to see my Bella, or the rest of my family, nor did I want to share my pain with him.
My refusal was considered by the others as insulting and rude. I didn't care. One way or another, they would do as I wished. The only question now was how. Would they cooperate or would I have to force their hands?
Clasping his hands in front of him, he examined me for a brief time. Arrogant fool. I may have to teach him some manners. But first, it will not hurt to play his game.
"To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit today, Edward?" he asked.
"I come to beg a favor," I said.
"And what is the nature of this favor?" Rather than being insulted, Aro was fascinated, excited. It wasn't often that he was forced to question a supplicant and our interaction would keep him entertained for a long time. If I continued to refuse him, he looked forward to punishing me for my presumption, vividly picturing me writhing under Jane's stare.
"I wish for you to end my life," I said simply.
"You want us to kill you?" he was astonished. It was very rare for them to meet a suicidal vampire. Most of our kind were in love with immortality.
"Yes."
"And why would we grant you that favor?"
I grimaced, hearing his reluctance. "I hope that you will grant me the honor of death by your hand out of respect for your friendship with my father."
"Yet you will not do me the honor of a simple handshake?" His eyes were wide, his expression one of feigned hurt.
"You and I both know that your handshakes are far from simple." I narrowed my eyes at him.
He was amused. "It is said that much can be said about a man in the way he shakes another's hand."
"Especially when the hand belongs to someone who can read a person's memories with that simple touch." My voice was harsh, annoyed at his games.
"Ah, so you know of my little gift," he was practically laughing.
"Of course," I said, with a shrug.
He considered me briefly, Carlisle must have told him of us. But if I am going to grant his request, I need to know more. I need to know why he would make it. "I'm afraid that, without knowing the reason behind your request, I am unwilling to grant it," he was shaking his head in feigned remorse.
I hesitated. I was sure I wouldn't be able to speak of Bella without breaking down in front of them. As I considered my best options, I heard the irritated thoughts of Aro's guard and saw her memory of the few others who had refused to share their minds with him. Willing or not, every supplicant Aro had ever interviewed eventually gave him their memories.
Fine, then, I growled to myself. Anything to speed this process up. The faster I told him what he wanted to know, the faster I would be allowed to die.
With an angry scowl, I took my hand out of my pocket and extended it toward the eagerly waiting monster in front of me. With a laugh of delight, he took my hand in his, covering our clasped hands with his other as he bent over mine and closed his eyes.
Through his mind, I saw my life pass in a blur. The images of my childhood were hazy and indistinct, but under his talent, he extracted details I had thought were long lost. I saw the face of my mother, her smile as it lit up her eyes was one of the few vivid memories of my life I possessed. Now, because of Aro, I could hear her sweet voice as she sang while cooking and could see every detail of her face; her lips like mine, even and broad, her nose fine and straight, her chin rounded and soft, her cheeks flushed and rosy. Her beautiful eyes were wide, framed by long, thick lashes, and a soft sea green, as mine had been in life. They were crinkled around the corners, evidence of how often she laughed. She'd had short, curly hair, a dark blond that was often hidden under a broad brimmed hat or scarf.
I saw the less clear memory of my father, who looked much as I did now, only with a thicker waist and thinning hair. His hair was bronze, like mine, but much shorter, cropped close to his scalp in an attempt to hide its loss. His skin was darker than mine, but still pale, a reflection of his life behind a desk. His eyes stood out in my memory the most, a light blue that seemed to see right through me when he was angered.
Aro lingered over my illness, watching my mother die while she tried to nurse me back to health. He skipped over the fires of my transformation and suddenly the images in his mind were blurry no longer, but a crystal clear image of Carlisle's amber eyes meeting mine for the first time. Aro watched him explain what he had done to me, and I heard Aro's pleasure at seeing his old acquaintance.
He watched me make my first kill – a herd of deer – and listened as Carlisle explained how he had learned that he could live on animals rather than humans. Aro was confused briefly as I heard Carlisle speaking without moving his lips. He saw me answer Carlisle's unspoken words and then I felt his fierce joy as he realized what he was watching. I had not understood at first that I had been hearing thoughts. Carlisle, with his infinite patience and empathic nature had understood when I responded to words he had not said aloud. I saw Aro watch, examining the memory in detail, as Carlisle spoke to me without moving his lips. At first, I had thought it was him, placing his words in my head. Then he had made me understand, showing me the people around us, and I knew the truth as I watched the humans, listening to their spoken and unspoken words.
Excitement at discovering an unexpected talent filled Aro's mind. He lived to acquire the services of those with exceptional abilities.
You can hear thoughts? Aro asked, looking up to meet my eyes.
Yes.
Without needing to touch the subject!
Yes.
How delightful!
I narrowed my eyes, frowning. For you, perhaps. Delightful was never how I would label hearing thoughts.
He chuckled, and closed his eyes again, bending once more over our joined hands to continue watching my life. He felt the thirst burning and building inside of me as I struggled against the needs of a newborn vampire. Carlisle had helped me to resist, showing me his memories, lending me his strength when my own faltered. Aro did not understand why I bothered. I could hear his impatience and feel his thirst building as he watched me fight against my nature.
He watched Carlisle add Esme to our family, and I felt his amazement that yet another vampire chose to live without drinking from what he considered to be our natural food source. With far too much pleasure, he lingered over my memories of my defiance. I had lasted almost ten years before I had even considered hunting humans. He replayed my first taste of human blood slowly, drawing the memory out, extracting every detail in vivid clarity. I was aware that he was doing this deliberately. He was enjoying the memory for himself, the first ecstasy that the taste of human blood brought, but also enjoying my pain and the horror the memory gave to me now. I had spent several years living away from Carlisle, hunting human monsters, and he lingered over every kill I made, showing me again and again my memory of my face in the minds of my victims, my eyes red with their blood.
He skimmed over the years between when I returned to my family and when Carlisle changed Rosalie. He found her uninteresting, with her lack of any significant abilities. When Emmett joined us, he dismissed him as well, already having plenty of strong fighters among his ranks. He paused when we were joined by Alice and Jasper. The excitement he'd felt discovering my ability to read minds was nothing compared to what he felt when he saw my memories of Alice.
The future! His thoughts were ecstatic. To see things that have yet to happen… I saw in his mind how he understood immediately and was overtaken by the picture of us at his side wearing dark cloaks only a shade lighter than his own, our eyes glowing red. He already knew the past with a single touch. If he could enlist me and Alice into his service, he would have the present and future at his side as well. The idea of such omniscience was seductive.
That will never happen, I thought, angrily, worried at exposing Alice to this monster.
We'll see, was his gloating response.
Then came the day I was dreading. I closed my eyes against the pain, but the images were vivid in our minds as I saw Bella Swan for the first time. My heart cried out as I saw her beauty again, heard her clear, quiet voice, and met her eyes across the crowded lunch room. He was intrigued that I could not hear her thoughts. I was aware that I was practically crushing Aro's hand as the memories flowed through us. I was groaning, trying to contain my pain. He replayed slowly the monstrous reaction I had when I smelled her for the first time, her overpowering scent so real in the moment. He was delighted with my plans of her death, of the hundred different ways I had imagined luring her away from school, of killing our classmates, anticipating the moment when I would drink her at last.
La tua cantante, I heard the thought flow through his mind, mixed with a jealous flame of desire. Confused, I wondered what he meant. Bella hadn't even spoken to me that day, much less had she sung for me a song.
I felt his shock as I fled and his disappointment when I left her alive. Then he watched me return to school, saw me introduce myself, felt my growing fascination with her, my continued frustration at being unable to read her mind. I was trembling, gritting my teeth in agony, as he forced me to relive falling in love with Bella. He was astounded when I kissed her. Her blood called to me even in my memory. I tried to ignore the pain it caused me to see her again, the memories so vivid in his mind, and tried instead to savor her voice, her laugh, her eyes, her scent, the taste of her lips, her skin.
He replayed over and over my memory of the taste of her blood as she flooded my mouth, my ecstasy at her perfect flavor, at the way she filled my body. Her scent – as overpowering as it was – a shadow of the perfection of her taste. He anticipated the moment of her death, uncomprehending when I stopped, saving her life instead of taking it.
You loved your singer? He met my eyes in astonishment. You tasted her blood and yet you allowed her to live? Impressive.
Seeing what he meant at last, I understood. Bella's voice was music to me, her heart had beat out the rhythm of my life. The words from her mouth had been the lyrics by which I lived. Her scent had been my inspiration. The call of her blood was a melody which I had not been able to deny.
Bella's life had been my song and I had been the instrument upon which she played. Now the tune had ended; her life was over, and mine no longer had any meaning.
Aro watched as I spent every second with her over the summer, our love pure and perfect. Watching it through his eyes, with the clarity of hindsight, I saw her love for me in her eyes, in her smile, in the way she would touch me, her heart racing and her breath quickening when I would smile at her. I grieved anew at my stupidity, my ignorance, at my stubborn inability to accept the gift of her love.
He saw me leave, felt my months of despair. He approved enthusiastically of my murders of the predator in Seattle, of Roger, and of Maria. And then, though I tried to block it out, he slowly replayed the last day of my life, the phone call that ended my reason for living. He watched as I made my plans, knew what I would do in order to ensure the end of my life. Then he looked up to meet my eyes, seeing himself as my memories caught up to the present. I jerked my hand out of his grasp and looked away. Waiting impatiently for him to make his decision, I wrapped my arms around myself, trying not to collapse at his feet.
"Very well," I looked up at him, hopeful that he was about to do as I asked. "We will need some time to deliberate. Carlisle is a good friend of mine, and the repercussions of killing his son, well, we will need to consider all of the angles first." Disappointment filled me, but I was unsurprised.
"Felix, show our young friend here where he can wait while we talk," Aro instructed, and told him where in the castle he wanted me to wait. I felt Felix's surprise. It was nearly on the other side of the city. Usually, he would keep supplicants close by so that he would not have to wait when he desired to call upon them.
A hulking vampire, larger even than Emmett, Felix was a physical guard whose skills at combat had been perfected over the centuries. He looked at me scornfully and gestured to a door to the right of the one I had entered. He lead me down several long corridors, all of them made of stone and as dimly lit as the tunnel that lead from the church. Finally he opened a door onto a room that overlooked the square in front of the palace. I walked over to stare out of the window, wondering impatiently how long they would keep me waiting.
Gazing down on the street, my eyes were at first unable to make sense out of the scene below. It was a river of red, as though the streets and walls were made of blood, flowing thickly through the city, out of the windows, and over the roofs. The red was a glistening liquid in the light of the moon.
St. Marcus Day, I reminded myself. The humans had draped the city in red, red flags hung from the walls, red cloths covered every surface. As I watched, the streets began to fill with revelers. All of the humans I could see were covered in red as well. Their cloaks and dresses, hats, and even their shoes were a bright, vivid red. How sick, I thought, knowing the Volturi delighted in the irony.
I wanted to listen to them deliberating, but found myself unable to pick out their thoughts from the hundreds that surrounded me. I was sure this was by design. Aro knew my range and had told Felix to take me beyond where I would be able to hear them. Trying to contain my impatience, I spent the enforced idleness thinking of my Bella, the memories fresh in my mind after Aro's invasion into my past.
My Bella, with her melted chocolate eyes, her mysterious mind, her sweet laughter, her goodness and grace, her kind soul, her beautiful voice, and her warm love, which she had given to me. I wished with desperate longing that I could see her again. I would tell her how I had lied, how she was my world, how I loved her more than anything. I hugged my arms across my body, trying to contain my misery. My Bella, who had loved me more than I deserved. My Bella, who was surely in heaven, her angelic goodness overcoming the sin of suicide. Her death, which had been my fault, was not her doing. I knew no creator could blame her for my actions. My blindness. My stupidity. How could I have left her? Why couldn't I have seen?
Yet I didn't know what other course of action I could have taken. As much as the thought of eternity spent in her arms called to me – my desire for it so much stronger now that the possibility was gone – I still cringed at what such a future would have cost her. I could see her as Alice had, her eyes glowing red with the blood of her victims.
A sob escaped me at this thought. No, I still couldn't stand it. There was no future that would have been bearable. Not to be with her was unbearable. Taking her life myself, or turning her into a killer was unbearable. Stealing her life was my destiny. No matter what choice I made, the end result was the same. Bella was dead. Dead by my hand. I would drink her, or I would crush her, or I would turn her, or I would leave her, causing her to end her own life. In a rage, I wanted to scream at the sky, demand that God take it back, change her destiny, allow her to live her life with no knowledge of the monsters who inhabited her world.
I watched as the sun began to rise, turning the dark glistening red into a bright, vivid crimson - the color of Bella's eyes in Alice's vision. I turned away, unable to bear watching any longer.
The door opened and Felix entered the room. He stared at me scornfully, and spoke, his words a barely audible hiss. "Aro requests your presence."
Grateful that at last the decision was made, I retraced my footsteps to the room where Aro, Marcus, and Caius waited. As soon as I entered, I knew their answer.
I scoffed, "So you've made up your minds."
"It would be so… wasteful for you to die. You have left Carlisle's family. We could help you, give your life purpose again." His smile was thin and he spoke slowly, choosing each word with care. Though he tried to hide his thoughts from me, I could see myself in his mind. He wanted me by his side, dressed in a dark grey cloak, my eyes glowing with blood.
They had been joined by another of their guard – Chelsea. She watched me carefully. I felt her mind reaching toward me, attempting to connect with me in a strange way that felt like ants crawling over my skin, the prickling sensation increasing as I resisted. I shuddered and blocked her out.
Despite his claims, I knew it was not me he wished to help. I glared at Aro. "Get on with it," I said, coldly.
"If you stay, you may find that there are other things to live for." A single human's death is not a reason to die. All humans die.
"No." I was so full of fury that I was barely able to grind the word out.
Concerned that I may have heard him, he tried again to hide his thoughts as he spoke, "You should not be so quick to give up immortality. Perhaps, if you wait, you may find that you will change your mind. Give us a chance to help you. If you find that you still wish to die… we could always discuss it again."
Despite his attempts to hide them, I heard his thoughts once more. Serve me. Stand by my side and call me Master.
I growled and he knew I had heard him again. His desire to have me in his service grew stronger, still. He still hadn't exactly answered me, though I knew what his answer would be once he did.
"Well, I'm afraid your particular gifts are too valuable to destroy," Aro said calmly. He tried once more to convince me. "But, if you're unhappy with your lot, join us. We'd be delighted to utilize your skills. Won't you consider staying with us?"
Chelsea's thoughts strengthened, trying again to connect with me. Stay, her mind thought at me. My skin was stinging from the force of her concentration. Whatever she was doing didn't seem to work, so I paid her no mind.
I shook my head, anxious now to be away. I had some laws to break.
"You know it will happen anyway," I said, dully.
"Not without cause," said Marcus. I heard in his thoughts his envy for my resolve. I heard his boredom with the monotony and his own pain at the loss of his own mate, so long ago. I felt Chelsea reach out to him with her mind and his desire to serve Aro strengthened.
As I turned to walk away, I heard Aro lament, "Such a waste."
Very well. They would not end my pain willingly. I would just have to force the matter. As I had known all along would end up being the case, I would simply have to break their laws. Planning furiously, I went over the possibilities again. I was tempted to tear their castle apart, brick by brick, exposing them as well as myself. I could see myself doing it, I'd start with the wall directly in front of their throne room, the bricks would shower down onto the unsuspecting humans below, the bright rays of the rising sun would flood their room, causing their skin to become glistening, shimmering membranes, their inner evil shining through for all to see.
But no, they were too high up for the humans to see, and anyway, they would move out of the sun before it hit them. Tempting as tearing their castle apart was, it wouldn't have the affect I was envisioning.
I would be able to expose only myself as the monster I was. So be it. Perhaps a show of strength? I could work off some of my anguish by tossing around a few Buicks. As I prowled the castle, looking out of the tiny windows, I realized that, due to the holiday, the police had restricted access to the city to foot travel only. All of the cars I had expected to see parked along the road had been stopped just outside of the inner city.
Frustrated at being delayed once again, I thought of what my other options were. It seemed I would not be able to end myself without taking a few humans with me.
I did like the idea of showing the humans exactly what they were celebrating. Perhaps I'd show them what a real vampire was like. Unlike the plaster and cloth puppet that they would carry through the streets to burn, I would not sit calmly to await my fate. I could jump into their midst, hurling them into the walls the way I had dreamed of throwing Mike Newton. I would snap their necks, crushing their bodies with my hands, my feet. I could hear their screams, feel their snapping bones.
Then again, if I was going to show them what a monster truly was, why not give in to my monstrosity all the way? If I was going to be a damned creature, I may as well earn it thoroughly. It had been seventy years since I had last drank human blood, not counting when I had tasted Bella trying to save her from James' bite. The monster within me looked up, excited at the prospect. Yes, a killing spree is a suitable way to end your life, he agreed. It seemed fitting that my life would end by taking the lives of the humans around me. I had already taken the life of the only person on Earth who mattered. None of these humans mattered to me. If I killed them, gave in to the monster within me, gave in to my constant thirst for human blood, I would prove to everyone exactly what the face of horror looked like.
My mind made up, I left the castle for the streets. There were plenty of victims to choose from. Still early in the day, the streets were shadowed by the tall buildings on either side of the streets so that my skin did not give me away as it would have otherwise. I was aware that Felix was shadowing me. His instructions were clear in his mind. He was to follow me, but not to stop me. Aro wanted me to kill. He had seen my intention to do so in my mind. If I had been a normal vampire, he never would have allowed it, but he wanted me to drink human blood, to prove that I was a monster just like the rest of them. If he could not turn Carlisle, he would at least have the victory of turning his son.
I waited in the shadow of an arch, listening to the minds of the humans who passed me. They were excited by the parade, looking forward to the upcoming party. There were families and couples, old people who had seen the festival numerous times and visitors who had never seen it before. I wasn't sure what my best victim would be. Should I do as I used to and try to find someone who was as evil as I was? Or should I make my damnation even more thorough and choose a child?
I eyed a family with two small girls. One glanced my way and met my eyes. The eyes that met mine were a dark brown, sparkling with excitement. Like all of the other humans in the city that day, she was dressed in red, a bright bow in her long, dark hair. I saw her bright smile falter as she met my glare and she cringed away from me, clinging to her father's hand.
I turned away. The child was too sweet, too much like my image of the young Bella whom I had stalked in Phoenix. So an adult, then. I walked among the buildings trying to pick my victim. There, in the shadow of an alley similar to the one I had just left was a man whose thoughts were familiar to me. A predator, like myself. He was a thief, his motives for attending the festival were to rob the revelers, picking their pockets in the press of bodies so that they would not feel him as he took their wallets. He did not plan to kill anyone today, but he had before. As he stalked his prey, I stalked him. I saw him reach into the pocket of a man and remove the wallet.
His back was to me as I crept up close to him. Inches away from him now, I leaned in, hearing his heart beat, breathing in the smell of his blood. His scent sickened me. He smelled of tobacco, stale sweat, and whiskey. My vivid memory of Bella's sweet scent was too fresh in my mind. I could not bear the thought of this human's taste entering my mouth. Growling angrily at myself, I turned away again. I could not drink a human who resembled Bella too much, nor did I seem capable of killing another killer. Whom, then, should I choose?
I caught sight of my reflection in a window. Staring at the monster that I was, I realized that the only life I truly wanted to take was my own. Bella would not approve of me murdering a human.
I would have to break their laws some other way. Looking up at the bright blue, cloudless sky, an image of myself and Bella in our meadow decided me. All I really had to do was to show myself in the sunlight. The sun was not high enough yet as I was in the shadow of the buildings still. So, like the puppet the humans would parade through the streets, I would wait after all. When the sun was directly overhead, I would step out into the light. The square in front of the clock tower would give me the largest audience and there was a corridor within the tower where I could wait for the clock to strike noon.
Making my way there, I could hear Felix behind me still, scornful at my inability to take the human's life. I ignored him. He was a tool, nothing more. When I showed myself, he would be the instrument of my death. I didn't care what he thought of me, only that he was willing to kill me. I took up my position beneath the clock tower and prepared to wait. While I waited, the square filled with more people until it was a sea of red, the humans pressed against each other, calling out excitedly, ready for the parade to start. Ready for the spectacle they had come for: the death of the vampire. Little did they know there would be a real vampire burning on this day. Me.
I stood in the darkened corridor beneath the clock, waiting for the bell to toll the hour. I closed my eyes and grieved for the human girl whose life I had destroyed. It didn't matter that I hadn't seen her in months, that I was on a different continent when she died. I had killed her as surely as if I had drunk her blood myself. There was no fighting against fate and I had been the monster chosen by fate to end her life. I had resisted with all of my might, but fate had her threads tied around me tight and, puppet that I was, I had acted as fate had decreed.
It was Bella's destiny to die, and it was mine to be the cause of her death.
I did not dwell on my last seven months of misery. They were no longer important. Instead, I brought to mind the summer I had spent with my Bella. I relived every second I had spent in her glorious presence, a demon graced with the love of an angel. Her scent had been captivating, better than the sweetest flower, more tempting than water to a man in the desert, and more necessary to my life than air to a human. Just to hear her breathe had given meaning to my existence.
Now my angel was dead. I had killed her. All that was left was for me to follow. I did not hope to be reunited with her. I was a vampire, a killer, a soulless monster, and my angel was surely in heaven. I had no chance of heaven myself. The best I could hope for was oblivion. That when my body was torn limb from limb and set on fire, I would cease to exist. That my suffering would end in one brief moment of pain. The agony I had lived in for months – and worse, what I was suffering now, knowing that she was dead – made the thought of the fire that would end my life seem a welcome release.
I unbuttoned my shirt and felt it slip off of my shoulders, letting it fall to the ground at my feet. I took a deep breath, imagining her face once again, her chocolate eyes, her silken hair, the taste of her lips. Her presence in that moment was so real, I could hear her call my name, the crowd's noise meaningless next to the sound of her voice, calling my name, calling me home.
"Edward!" her voice called again and again. "Edward!" I smiled.
The bell on the clock tolled, announcing the hour. It was noon and the bright sun was directly overhead.
I took a step out of the darkness and into the sunlight. I raised my face to the sun, and the light flared against my eyes as I spread my arms and embraced my death.
