The Truth

Charlie didn't go to work that day and was in and out of Bella's room constantly. His thoughts varied between concern that she was still sleeping, happiness that she was finally sleeping – her months of sleeplessness were vivid in his mind – and his ever present anger at me. I stayed in the trees, unwilling to leave until I had the chance to talk to Bella, not wanting her to wake when I was gone. She slept the entire day and I listened hard, wanting to pick up any sounds of her voice. As the day wore on, she began to murmur in her sleep, but the words she spoke were not the ones I wanted to hear.

"Jacob. My Jacob." I felt an icy fear. She was dreaming of the dog. Had she replaced me, as I had intended, but not with a human? With a monster even worse than I?

"No. No don't go in…" Her voice was full of dread. I thought she might be dreaming of the Volturi, of watching the humans walk to their deaths.

"Stop! No, please, stop!" Her voice this time was almost a shriek and I had to bite back my own cries, unable to go to her with Charlie still in the house. He had heard her and rushed back to her room, his soft murmurs calming her into an easier sleep.

The sun was sinking low when I heard Jasper approaching. He ran up to where I sat and swung himself into the branches of a tree near mine. I watched him warily while he positioned himself so that he could see me.

We've been worried, he began.

"I'm not going anywhere," I said in a flat voice and returned my gaze to Bella's window.

That's what Alice said, but it's been all day and we haven't heard from you.

"Bella's still asleep."

He glanced over his shoulder to the window I'd been watching. Alice said she wouldn't wake for several more hours. Why don't you come home? She'll never know.

"No." I growled at him. "I'm not leaving her."

Fine. That gives us a chance to talk, then.

Tearing my eyes away from the window, I took in his angry expression and caught the emotions he'd been trying to keep under control. Jasper was furious. I sighed and shook my head.

"What a mess," I grumbled and ran my fingers through my tangled hair.

"Do you have any idea what you've put everyone through? Esme didn't stop weeping for weeks after you left! She was certain we'd never see you again. We knew you were grieving when Alice brought you back, but Carlisle insisted that we let you work through this on your own. He was certain you'd come to your senses. Personally, I agreed with Esme. We could have helped you if you'd have let us, but no. Instead, you run off on a vampire hunt that we weren't sure you'd survive as it was. You are – without a doubt – the most stubborn vampire I've ever met, and that is saying something, believe me."

"What do you want me to say Jasper? I know I hurt everyone. I left Carlisle and Esme long ago, and I hurt them then, too. But I couldn't stay, don't you see?"

"No, I don't. Is your life really so miserable? You know what my life was like before I found Alice. You have always had a loving family. I know you hear their thoughts, but do you really know how very much Carlisle and Esme love you? We are all family, but you're the son she never thought she would have."

"I'm a hundred years old, Jasper. I can't be her child forever."

"Then stop acting like one!" I felt a harsh snarl rip from my chest at his words. "You didn't think about anybody but yourself when you left – "

"I was trying to protect Bella!"

"But did you stop to even consider what she wanted?"

"She doesn't want this life!"

"No? I'd say she pretty definitively showed you that she doesn't want to live without you."

I pressed my lips together. She didn't want me dead, I was sure of that, but everything else… I still wasn't certain that she wanted me back, that she hadn't moved on. She hadn't wanted me to kiss her, and it was the dog she'd dreamt of.

"And I think you know the same thing about yourself, too. Don't you," he continued. It wasn't a question. We both knew the answer all too well.

"Being in my life is so dangerous for her, though," I whispered

"Then change her!"

"No!"

He threw his hands into the air and shook his head. "Why not?"

"That's not a solution, Jasper. That's a tragedy."

"So your solution is what? To leave her human and wait for the next thing to threaten her life? And then what? Go run off to the Volturi again? I think you've proven that won't work."

"It would have," I disagreed. "If Bella and Alice hadn't stopped me."

"No, I don't think so. If they'd have been willing to kill you, they would have done so when you first asked them. Oh, Felix would have ripped you apart, and stopped you from jeopardizing their secrecy, but I think Aro would have found some other way to punish you rather than killing you. And now, from what Alice tells me, you have no choice but to change Bella."

"No. No, I'll find a way to protect her."

"And even if you do, and her life is somehow no longer in danger from them, the rest of ours still will be."

I sighed. "Aro wants Alice," I agreed in dread.

"And I'm not about to let him have her. But my wife's life is in danger now because of your actions! No," he stopped me when I opened my mouth to apologize. "We all know you didn't put her in danger on purpose, but you need to realize that your death is in no one's best interests." Pushing himself away from the tree, he leapt lightly from the branch he'd been sitting on to crouch right in front of me. "And neither is your absence. We missed you, Edward."

"I missed you, too, Jazz. I missed everyone."

He studied me for a moment, sampling my emotions. I felt such a jumble of remorse, fear, joy, and relief that I wasn't sure exactly what he was able to sense. "Then you'll come home?" he pressed.

"I'm not going anywhere," I assured him.

He nodded. "I'm not happy that Aro knows about Alice, but Alice made me promise to say this…" He took a breath and I felt his anger fade. "I forgive you. We all do. We understand why you did what you did. It was wrong and short-sighted and self-centered, but…" He hesitated before admitting, "I wouldn't want to live if I lost Alice, either. So don't beat yourself up about what happened, okay?"

I gave him a sour look. "Thanks Jazz."

He smirked at me. "Any time."

"And you're right; my family is the best." I said softly.

He smiled at me. "See you at home?"

I nodded and he took off back home, leaving me to wait and listen to Bella's dreams.

At last, when Bella slept quietly again, Charlie went to his own bed. I scaled the side of her house, hanging from the eaves to open the window to the only heaven I had ever truly known. My angel slept peacefully, with her hands under her cheeks, but still her face was tight, her pain clear.

I knelt by her bed and ran my fingers over her face, feeling my eyes burn and my chest clench. Trying to smooth away the lines of pain, I touched her brow, her mouth, her cheeks, stroked her hair.

"Shh," I whispered to her. "It's okay, Bella, you're safe. I'm here." I leaned close to her and breathed in her glorious scent, noting with satisfaction that the monster was indeed dead. As wonderful as she smelled to me, as thirsty as I was – I couldn't remember how long it had been since my last meal – I felt no thirst for her at all.

Carefully, trying not to disturb her sleep, I climbed onto her bed and stretched my body out beside hers. Gently, I kissed her forehead, her cheek, her hair, the soft spot under her ear, knowing it was the taste of her mouth that I craved, but unwilling to kiss her there without her knowledge. I wrapped my arms around her and pressed my ear against her chest, listening to her breathe and to the sound of her heart.

When she began to stir and took a deep breath, I pressed my lips to her forehead and watched for her to open her eyes. I needed to see their melted chocolate depths. She squeezed her eyes shut tighter and moaned. Trying not to squeeze too tight, I hugged her body against mine and waited for her to wake. She sighed, her mouth turning down at the corners, the crease between her brows deepening. Then at last, her eyes opened and looked into mine.

"Oh!" she exclaimed and her hands flew to cover her eyes. I pressed my lips together unhappily and waited for her to look at me again. A moment later, she removed her hands and looked back into my eyes, the shock on her face almost enough to make me smile, but the memory of her screams while she slept was too fresh.

"Did I frighten you?" I asked. She didn't seem happy to see me at all. Her mouth still turned down, her eyes were scared, anxious. She blinked rapidly, never looking away from my face.

"Oh, crap," she moaned. Well, those were certainly not the words I was expecting. I felt my heart break, sure that she wanted me to leave.

"What's wrong, Bella?" She was frowning at me and I felt my anxiety heighten.

"I'm dead, right? I did drown. Crap, crap, crap! This is gonna kill Charlie." She thought she was dead?

"You're not dead," I assured her.

"Then why am I not waking up?"

"You are awake, Bella," I insisted.

She shook her head, saying, "Sure, sure. That's what you want me to think. And then it will be worse when I do wake up. If I wake up, which I won't, because I'm dead. This is awful. Poor Charlie. And Renée and Jake…" Jake, again. It had been the dog she dreamt of, not me, and it was him she worried about now. If she had dreamt of me, it was probably one of those that had sent Charlie running to stop her screams.

Smiling sadly at her, I said, "I can see where you might confuse me with a nightmare," I was the stuff of nightmares, "but I can't imagine what you could have done to wind up in hell. Did you commit many murders while I was away?" Didn't they group the killers together in hell?

"Obviously not. If I was in hell, you wouldn't be with me," she said with an unhappy twist to her mouth. She was right, even in hell, as long as she was with me, it feel like heaven. I sighed and watched her staring at me. She looked away, briefly, then looked back and I felt her body warm as I watched the blood rise to her cheeks.

"Did all of that really happen, then?" she said with wonder in her voice.

"That depends. If you're referring to us nearly being massacred in Italy, then, yes." How many times would I be responsible for her near death? How many ways could I wrong this girl in my arms? My love for her – my need for her – stronger than ever, I still wasn't sure if she wanted me. But I was sure that, even though my thirst for her was gone, the danger of being in my life was not.

"How strange. I really went to Italy. Did you know I'd never been farther east than Albuquerque?"

I wanted to laugh at her. Still my silly Bella. Rolling my eyes, I said, "Maybe you should go back to sleep. You're not coherent."

"I'm not tired anymore," she protested. "What time is it? How long have I been asleep?"

"It's just after one in the morning. So, about fourteen hours." I felt her body moving against mine as she stretched.

"Charlie?"

"Sleeping," I said with a frown. "You should probably know that I'm breaking the rules right now. Well, not technically, since he said I was never to walk through his door again, and I came in the window… But still, the intent was clear." Charlie's fury at me was probably not something I would ever be able to fix. He was right to hate me for what I had done. But what I had told him was true. It had been necessary. The pain he felt watching her suffer was nothing to what my taking of her life would have done to him. Or to me. But living without her was no longer an option. I would just have to find some other way to protect her.

"Charlie banned you from the house?" she asked, incredulous, her eyes turning hard and angry.

My eyes were sad. "Did you expect anything else?"

She fumed in my arms for a few minutes, and I wondered – for the millionth time – what she was thinking. Was she fuming at me for being there? She had to be angry for what I had done. I ached to beg her forgiveness yet again, but wasn't sure how to start.

"What's the story?" she asked me.

"What do you mean?"

"What am I telling Charlie? What's my excuse for disappearing for… how long was I gone anyway?" I saw her concentrating, like she was doing math. Which she probably was, I thought with a smile.

"Just three days." Three days that had changed everything. "Actually, I was hoping you might have a good explanation. I've got nothing." I had tried to think of a good excuse while I waited in the trees for her to wake, but was unable to think of any plausible excuse.

"Fabulous," she said, groaning.

"Well, maybe Alice will come up with something." It had been she, after all, who had saved the world. With her knowledge of the future, surely she would see what excuse Charlie would believe.

I could see the questions in her eyes and waited, in no hurry for her to tell me she hated me for my actions, for my lies, for nearly getting her killed.

"So. What have you been doing, up until three days ago?"

I didn't want her to know about my inept tracking of Victoria, nor how I had been killing vampires along the way, nor how I had stalked her past. I was ashamed to admit how terrible my life had been without her, how I had barely lived with her gone.

"Nothing terribly exciting," I lied, feeling bad for lying to her. Again. The monster in me dead, I was a monster, still.

"Of course not," she sounded disappointed.

"Why are you making that face?" Did she want me to say that I had been having the time of my life? Sailing the world and meeting new people? Had she wanted me to move on?

"Well…" she hesitated. "If you were, after all, just a dream, that's exactly the kind of thing you would say. My imagination must be used up."

I sighed. I knew I couldn't lie to her anymore. She deserved the truth. "If I tell you, will you finally believe that you're not having a nightmare?"

"Nightmare," she scoffed. "Maybe. If you tell me."

"I was…" tracking Victoria? stalking her past? wallowing in misery? "hunting." I finished lamely.

"Is that the best you can do?" she demanded. "That definitely doesn't prove I'm awake."

She was right. She saw through my evasive answers, her clear eyes missing nothing as usual. Carefully, trying to protect her – or myself? – from the knowledge of how badly I had wronged her, I tried to answer without lying, but also without worrying her.

"I wasn't hunting for food…" In fact, I had only fed all of three times in the past seven months. "I was actually trying my hand at… tracking. I'm not very good at it." I admitted, ashamed.

"What were you tracking?" she pressed.

Gritting my teeth, I evaded her question. "Nothing of consequence." It wasn't Victoria I wanted to talk about yet. I needed to know how much she hated me, needed to beg her forgiveness, needed to take back my horrible lies in the forest and tell her how desperately I loved her. But I was afraid. Terribly afraid that she had moved on. Jacob. My Jacob, she had said while she slept.

"I don't understand."

"I – " I took a deep breath. She deserved to know. This was not the time for evasions. This was the time for truths, no matter how painful, the moment had come at last for me to tell her everything I had been yearning to tell her, everything I had been afraid to tell her. Taking my courage in my hands again, I let the words I had been holding in spill forth from me.

"I owe you an apology. No, of course I owe you much, much more than that. But you have to know that I had no idea. I didn't realize the mess I was leaving behind. I thought it was safe for you here. So safe. I had no idea that Victoria," I growled her name, "would come back." I had thought it had been me she was after. I wondered if part of the pull Forks had had for me was my subconscious telling me of the danger Bella had been in. Incapable of seeing anything but my need for her, I had convinced myself that she was safe.

"I'll admit, when I saw her that one time, I was paying much more attention to James's thoughts. But I just didn't see that she had this kind of response in her. That she even had such a tie to him." Even tracking her, I hadn't realized that they had been mates. Even when she kept burning the studio down, I hadn't made that connection. "I think I realize why now – she was so sure of him, the thought of him failing never occurred to her. It was her overconfidence that clouded her feelings about him – that kept me from seeing the depth of them, the bond there.

"Not that there's any excuse for what I left you to face. When I heard what you told Alice – what she saw for herself – when I realized you had to put your life in the hands of werewolves, immature, volatile, the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself," I shuddered at the memory of what I had seen of the pack the last time we had been in Forks.

"Please know that I had no idea of any of this. I feel sick, sick to my core, even now, when I can see and feel you safe in my arms. I am the most miserable excuse for – "

"Stop." Her voice was sharp and brought me to a halt instantly. Terror filled me. She didn't want my apology. I waited for her accusations, for the words I was sure were coming. I felt the strength of her amazing soul fill her body as she took a breath and looked into my eyes.

"Edward," I thrilled at the sound of my name on her lips, "This has to stop now. You can't think about things that way. You can't let this… this guilt… rule your life. You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. None of it is your fault, it's just part of how life is for me. So, if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time, you have to realize that it's not your job to take the blame. You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didn't save me. Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die," the image of her exhilarated smile as she threw herself off the cliff made me shudder, "that would have been my choice, and not your fault. I know it's your… your nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can't let that make you go to such extremes! It's very irresponsible – think of Esme and Carlisle and – " her voice took on an edge of hysteria. I looked at her in amazement. She didn't understand at all. Always so observant, seeing right through to the details, somehow she missed the biggest truth.

"Isabella Marie Swan," I whispered her full name, furious that she didn't understand how desperately I loved her. "Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty?"

Her face was blank with shock and incomprehension. "Didn't you?"

"Feel guilty? Intensely so. More than you can comprehend." She had tried to kill herself because I had left her. No matter that she protested it was recreational. I had seen the expression on her face as she threw herself to her death.

"Then… what are you saying? I don't understand."

No, I could see that she didn't. I had to make her understand. She had to know how I felt about her. Looking into her melted chocolate eyes, the eyes that had haunted my vision for months, I spoke slowly, clearly, making sure she heard each word I had to say.

"Bella, I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead. Even if I'd had no hand in your death," I shuddered, remembering the pain the knowledge of her death had caused me, "even if it wasn't my fault, I would have gone to Italy. Obviously, I should have been more careful – I should have spoken to Alice directly, rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie." Rosalie, who had never looked beyond her own reflection. Rosalie, who couldn't understand that there was such a love as what I felt for Bella. "But, really, what was I supposed to think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral? What are the odds?"

I saw, then, all of the humans whose lives were so confused, who fell in love and out of love. Out of all the billions of humans on the planet, how likely were they to meet their true match? I saw and understood how unique and special my relationship with Bella was. True love was a fairy tale. It didn't happen in real life. And yet, it had. To me. And, I fervently hoped, to Bella.

"The odds… The odds are always stacked against us. Mistake after mistake. I'll never criticize Romeo again." I shook my head, amazed by my own stupidity.

"But I still don't understand," she persisted. "That's my whole point. So what?"

"Excuse me?"

"So what if I was dead?"

She still didn't see. Hadn't I told her before? Hadn't I explained it to her? "Don't you remember anything I told you before?"

"I remember everything that you told me," she said furiously.

Touching a trembling finger to her lips, needing desperately to taste them, I said, "Bella, you seem to be under a misapprehension." I was a miserable excuse for a vampire. A selfish jerk. Just because it was clear to me, was no reason to think it was clear to her. I spelled it out for her, telling her in no uncertain terms that my life was tied to hers.

"I thought I'd explained it clearly before. Bella, I can't live in a world where you don't exist."

"I am… confused," she looked dazed, dazzled.

"I'm a good liar, Bella, I have to be." I felt her muscles lock at those words and shook her lightly, forcing her to pay attention.

"Let me finish! I'm a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly," I remembered how astonished I was in the forest when I had told the worst lie of my life and she had accepted it without question. "That was… excruciating.

"When we were in the forest," I explained, "when I was telling you goodbye – " her lips pressed together, her eyes tightening at the memory. "You weren't going to let me go. I could see that. I didn't want to do it – it felt like it would kill me to do it – but I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought I'd moved on, so would you."

"A clean break," she whispered.

"Exactly. But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossible – that you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant the seed of doubt in your head. I lied, and I'm so sorry – sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn't work. I'm sorry.

"But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I've told you I love you," my body tingled as I said the words at last, "how could you let one word break your faith in me?"

Her expression was shocked disbelief. She still didn't see.

I continued, "I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly believed that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept – as if there were any way that I could exist without needing you!" I shook her again, lightly, to emphasize my words. "Bella, really, what were you thinking?" I sighed. How often had I wondered that?

She started to cry. "I knew it. I knew I was dreaming."

Of all the – my lies she believes without question, but the truth, when I'm pouring my heart out to her, she refuses to see? If there is a God, he's surely laughing at me right now, I thought, ruefully, laughing at myself.

"You're impossible. How can I put this so that you'll believe me? You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here, and I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy."

She shook her head at me, still refusing to believe. Tears continued to leak out of her eyes. I had told her absolutely how I felt, the words I had needed to say for so long finally laid out between us, and she refused to believe them. I could feel myself grow cold.

"You still don't believe me, do you?" What would I do if she never believed me? If she refused to see the truth, no matter what I said? "Why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?" I demanded.

"It never made sense for you to love me. I always knew that." Her voice was breaking, even as my heart broke at her words.

"I'll prove you're awake." If my words couldn't make her see, then my actions would have to do it. I took her face firmly in my hands and leaned in to kiss her, my need for her burning in my body, my lips tingling in anticipation of her taste.

She struggled against me, whispering, "Please don't," in an agonized voice.

"Why not?"

"When I wake up – " I opened my mouth to interrupt her. She wasn't asleep! "Okay," she said before I could say anything, "forget that one – when you leave again, it's going to be hard enough without this, too."

I leaned back to stare at her. Would I never earn her trust again? Or did she think I'd leave because she thought there was no reason for me to stay? Was it Jacob? Had she moved on after all? It would serve me right.

"Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so… hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same. I need to know why. Is it because I'm too late? Because you have moved on, as I meant for you to? That would be… quite fair. I won't contest your decision. So don't try to spare my feelings, please – just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you. Can you?" I begged her. My eyes were pleading with her to tell me yes, my heart sure she would tell me no.

"What kind of an idiotic question is that?" she demanded.

"Just answer it. Please." I couldn't stand not knowing. Please, Bella, just answer my question! Tell me you love me! She continued to stare at me as my heart crumbled, my hope died.

Her eyes were angry when she finally spoke. "The way I feel about you will never change. Of course I love you – and there's nothing you can do about it!"

She loves me still! Relief and joy exploded within me at her words.

"That's all I needed to hear," I said, and then, not waiting one second longer, I captured her mouth with mine.

Her lips were the sweetest things I had ever tasted, her breath was warm, her scent perfection. I kissed her with all of the passion I had been denying for months, pouring my love for her into the kiss. I could feel the knowledge of her love burning away the last of my misery and despair, and knew that she was mine – mine! – for the rest of her life. The monster within me dead, I no longer feared that our kisses would turn deadly, and I held her tight against me as I tasted her lips, her tongue, her breath.

She pressed herself to me, her heart pounding against mine, making me feel as though my own was alive and beating again. I understood to my core what Aro had meant when he called her my singer, but he had it backwards. It was my body that sang at her touch. She touched my face, her gentle fingers caressing my cheeks, stroking my jaw, sliding up into my tangled hair. Wherever she pressed herself against me burned with her warmth, and every single one of my cells felt alive, no longer cold and dead.

Releasing her mouth only long enough to allow her to breathe, I whispered her name over and over. Our kiss could have lasted for an eternity and not have been long enough. The last seven months of despair gone, the agony of her death over, she was mine and I was hers, and in that moment, I was certain nothing could ever change that fact.

She was panting, her breaths gasping when I reluctantly let the kiss end. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her body against mine so that I could lay my head against her chest. Her heart was frantic as it pounded against my cheek, and I listened to the flow of blood within her body, to the exchange of air as her lungs filled over and over. When finally her pulse slowed and her breathing evened, I spoke again.

"By the way, I'm not leaving you."

She didn't answer. Did she doubt me still? After that?!

I met her eyes, insisting, "I'm not going anywhere. Not without you." She gazed at me, but I could see she still doubted me. Apparently I still had some explaining to do.

"I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy, human life. I could see what I was doing to you – keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you. So I had to try. I had to do something, and it seemed like leaving was the only way. If I hadn't thought you would be better off, I could have never made myself leave. I'm much too selfish. Only you could be more important than what I wanted… what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay – thank heaven for that! It seems you can't be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us."

"Don't promise me anything," she whispered, her voice full of doubt.

"You think I'm lying to you now?" I demanded.

"No – not lying," she sounded confused now. Her eyebrows drew together, like she was trying to figure out a complex problem. "You could mean it… now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the first place? Or next month, when Jasper takes a snap at me?"

I flinched remembering all too well the wild look in Jasper's eyes as the scent of Bella's blood overpowered his reason.

"It isn't as if you hadn't thought the first decision through, is it? You'll end up doing what you think is right."

I shook my head. "I'm not as strong as you give me credit for. Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me; I was coming back anyway. Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour. It was only a matter of time – and not much of it – before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that," I said, honestly. The only reason I had stayed in Rio as long as I had was because I knew – knew without a doubt – that as soon as I left, I would come straight back here. I knew also, that I would happily spend the rest of my existence begging for her forgiveness if necessary.

"Be serious, please," she rolled her eyes.

"Oh, I am." No, she still didn't see. Angry now, I begged her to understand. "Will you please try to hear what I'm telling you? Will you let me attempt to explain what you mean to me?" I locked my eyes on hers, trying to read her mind, knowing it was futile.

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars – points of light and reason…" My piano, my studies, my family, but in her absence, they had ceased to mean anything. "And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no reason for anything."

"Your eyes will adjust," she insisted.

"That's just the problem – they can't." When a vampire changes, it is very rare. We were timeless and changeless. But once changed, as she had changed me, the change was permanent. It was this that made Victoria hunt Bella, to risk her life to kill a human. And it was this that had sent me to the Volturi.

"What about your distractions?" she asked.

"Just a part of the lie, love," I laughed, sadly. "There was no distraction from the… the agony." There was no other word for my life without her. "My heart hasn't beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gone – like I was hollow. Like I'd left everything that was inside me here with you."

"That's funny."

"Funny?" She thought my pain was funny?

"I meant strange – I thought it was just me. Lots of pieces of me went missing, too. I haven't been able to really breathe in so long." She pulled in a deep breath of air. "And my heart. That was definitely lost."

I knew exactly where her heart was. I closed my eyes and laid my ear against it. I felt her lay her head against the top of mine as it rested against her chest. We held this pose for several long moments, breathing each other in.

"Tracking wasn't a distraction, then?" she asked, curious as always.

"No," I muttered. "That was never a distraction. It was an obligation."

"What does that mean?"

I hadn't wanted to tell her about my failure, but I couldn't resist answering her questions.

"It means that, even though I never expected any danger from Victoria, I wasn't going to let her get away with… Well, like I said, I was horrible at it. I traced her as far as Texas, but then I followed a false lead down to Brazil – and really she came here," I said groaning at how she had tricked me. "I wasn't even on the right continent! And all the while, worse than my worst fears–"

"You were hunting Victoria?" she shrieked, nearly waking Charlie.

"Not well," I admitted. "But I'll do better this time. She won't be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer," I vowed, angrily. This time, with Alice and Emmett and Jasper to help me, I was certain to find her. And when I did, I would rip her to shreds!

Her voice was choked as she sputtered, "That is… out of the question." She was looking at me with shock and fear on her face.

"It's too late for her." I growled ferociously. When I'd been searching for her before, it was mostly to help answer what was going on with Bella. But now, now that I knew she'd been hunting my angel, there was no way I would let her live. "I might have let the other time slide, but not now, not after – "

She stopped me by saying, "Didn't you just promise that you weren't going to leave? That isn't exactly compatible with an extended tracking expedition, is it?"

Not wanting to remind her that it wasn't likely I would have to go far, not with Victoria after her, I vowed to her, "I will keep my promise, Bella. But Victoria," the name came out of me with a harsh snarl, "is going to die. Soon."

"Let's not be hasty," her voice was high pitched, anxious. "Maybe she's not coming back. Jake's pack probably scared her off. There's really no reason to go looking for her. Besides, I've got bigger problems than Victoria."

I nodded, frowning at all of the things fate insisted on throwing at my Bella. "It's true. The werewolves are a problem."

She snorted, as though the dangerous monsters were the least of her concerns. "I wasn't talking about Jacob. My problems are a lot worse than a handful of adolescent wolves getting themselves into trouble."

Furious, I realized that she was being a caregiver yet again. She wasn't worried about them; she was worried for them. I ground my teeth and said, "Really? Then what would make Victoria's returning for you seem like such an inconsequential matter in comparison?"

She temporized, "How about the second greatest?"

"All right," I said, watching her warily. She didn't consider the wolves a problem. She didn't consider a murderous vampire out for revenge a problem. She didn't consider a vampire being in love with her a problem, nor the family of vampires intent on making her one of them. What in the world could she possibly be afraid of?

"There are others who are coming to look for me," she whispered.

Ah. Yes, after her recent trip to hell and back, I could see how she would consider the Italian coven a problem. I sighed. But she still saw something as a bigger problem than all of that? Something she didn't seem to want to share with me.

"The Volturi are only the second greatest?"

"You don't seem that upset about it," she commented, disapprovingly.

"Well, we have plenty of time to think it through. Time means something very different to them than it does to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days. I wouldn't be surprised if you were thirty before you crossed their minds again." Although Caius was intent on making certain she was not a threat, Aro was the real leader of the coven, and he was far more interested in Alice and myself entering his service than in a single human's knowledge of vampires. That was why he'd been willing to let us go. Acquiring the future and the present was well worth the risk of allowing Bella to live.

I looked back at her face to see a mask of horror.

"You don't have to be afraid," I tried to reassure her as tears welled in her eyes. "I won't let them hurt you."

"While you're here."

She still thought I would leave?

I took her face in my hands, reminding myself to be careful, gentle, and stared intently into her eyes. Trying my best to dazzle her, to force her to believe, using all of my persuasion, I vowed to her, saying each word separately and distinctly, "I will never leave you again."

Tears continued to pour out of her eyes as she whispered, "But you said thirty. What? You're going to stay, but let me get all old anyway? Right."

Old? I wanted her to live her life. I wanted to see her changing, growing. I knew that if she lived to be a hundred, she would look more beautiful to me every single day she allowed me to be in her glorious presence. After all, I may look seventeen, but I was a hundred and four, nearly a hundred and five, now. I understood Rosalie's desire to grow old with Emmett perfectly.

"That's exactly what I'm going to do," I said, softly. "What choice have I? I cannot be without you, but I will not destroy your soul." I had seen far too many newborn and ancient vampires over the last few months. I loved her humanity. She couldn't want to be a killer. How could she? I had seen her reaction to the Volturi's tour group and Gianna's desire to be a part of that. I didn't understand. She'd been terrified and disgusted by them; how could she still want to be one of them?

"Is this really…" she trailed off.

"Yes?"

"But what about when I get so old that people think I'm your mother? Your grandmother?" I felt certain she had changed what she was going to say and felt my familiar frustration at being unable to read her mind.

I thought back to how I had felt when I realized I had to leave her. I had asked myself the same question of her – how would she feel when I looked like her son? But what other people thought wasn't important. As long as we were together the rest of the world didn't matter.

"That doesn't mean anything to me. You will always be the most beautiful thing in my world." I kissed her face, tasting her tears. She never did see herself clearly. "Of course, if you outgrew me – if you wanted something more – I would understand that, Bella. I promise I wouldn't stand in your way if you wanted to leave me." Although the words made me flinch, I meant them. Whatever it took to make her happy, even if that was my absence. If she wanted a man she could grow old with, a man who could give her children, I would let her go, but I wouldn't go far. I would continue to watch over her, making sure she was safe, and her children and grandchildren, too.

Her eyes were hard when she spoke again. "You do realize that I'll die eventually, right?"

"I'll follow after as soon as I can," I told her, knowing this had always been true. It was why I went to the Volturi, after all.

"That is seriously…" she paused, thinking of the word she wanted, "sick."

"Bella, it's the only right way left – " I tried to explain, but she stopped me again.

"Let's just back up for a minute." She stared at me, angry again. "You do remember the Volturi, right? I can't stay human forever. They'll kill me. Even if they don't think of me till I'm thirty," she said the word in a furious hiss, "do you really think they'll forget?"

"No. They won't forget. But…" I knew they wouldn't forget about Bella, or Alice, or myself. But it had taken my family many years of practice to learn how to guard their thoughts around me. Aro was far too used to being the mind reader and not the one whose mind was read.

"But?" she pressed.

I grinned at her. "I have a few plans."

Her fury seemed to grow with each passing second, but my delight was equally strong.

"And these plans… these plans all center around me staying human."

My delight gone at her dismissive tone, I said in a voice that left no room for argument, "Naturally." Of course they did.

She glared at me, and I glared back, as resolved to keep her human as she still seemed to be to become a monster. She pushed me away, and sat up.

Hurt, I asked, "Do you want me to leave?" I was glad to hear her heart stutter at those words, but her next words made my own heart ache.

"No. I'm leaving."

She stumbled about her room, searching the floor for her shoes.

"May I ask where you're going?"

"I'm going to your house," she said, as if it should be obvious.

I handed her the shoes she couldn't see and hiding my amusement, said, "Here are your shoes. How did you plan to get there?"

"My truck."

"That will probably wake Charlie." He had detached several cables, not content with just the battery's this time. She'd never get it started, but the noise it made as she tried to crank it would wake the neighborhood.

"I know," she sighed. "But honestly, I'll be grounded for weeks as it is. How much more trouble can I really get in?"

"None. He'll blame me, not you," I said, knowing that fact to be true.

"If you have a better idea, I'm all ears."

"Stay here," I begged her. Let me hold you while you sleep, I wanted to say. Spend the rest of the night kissing me and forget this argument. Stay here. Stay human.

"No dice. But you go ahead and make yourself at home." She sounded so at ease, the teasing Bella I knew and loved that I wanted to laugh at her. She headed for the door, but I moved faster and blocked her escape from the room. Glaring at me, she turned and looked out the window. She looked back and forth, from the windowsill to the ground, as if she was measuring the jump and her likelihood of surviving the fall without a broken bone. Watching her for a moment, I realized that was exactly what she was doing.

"Okay," I sighed in defeat. "I'll give you a ride."

"Either way," she said with a shrug. "But you probably should be there, too."

I narrowed my eyes at her, "And why is that?"

"Because you're extraordinarily opinionated, and I'm sure you'll want a chance to air your views."

"My views on which subject," I asked, gritting my teeth and fearing I knew the answer already.

"This isn't just about you anymore. You're not the center of the universe, you know. If you're going to bring the Volturi down on us over something as stupid as leaving me human, then your family ought to have a say."

Speaking slowly, dreading the answer I knew was coming, I said, "A say in what?"

"My mortality. I'm putting it to a vote."