Sidney and Eliza took their turn at eschewing the Regatta Events the next morning. Both found themselves emotionally and mentally tightly wound and in poor mood to mingle among the crowds that were wandering amongst the stalls of a fete amidst the heat of the summer.
They had returned home the previous evening to a little boy who refused to remain asleep and was yet up and complaining after his parents' absence. It had taken them both some time to settle their son. He had clung to them when they taken him back to the nursery to settle him abed once more and had been an hour at least before he was sleeping soundly enough that they could slip from his grasp.
The couple prepared for bed in a terse silence, retreating to their separate chambers. Sidney had continued to brood and stew over the thoughts and feelings churning within but his mind, being overtired and seeking the restful escape brought by sleep, did not allow him to remain awake and avoid that unconscious state for very long.
Eliza, meanwhile, passed no small number of hours, that should have been spent sleeping, fretting over her husband's mood and sullenness and the growing distance between them as he retreated further into his own head. Sidney was a stubborn man and would only face that which he wished to deny when he was good and ready. And yet his struggle to reconcile what he wanted to believe and what was real was going to tear him apart. Eliza could see it.
Her betrayal and the heartache she knew it caused him, had been but the first of a number of events to bring him pain and she feared that this most recent development would prove too much to overcome. Because he had finally begun to heal and open his heart once more when Tom, that fool!, had caused the same problem that led her husband to restore those very walls.
She could not regret their marriage; it was what she wanted most in the world then and it had brought their son to them. It was still everything she wanted but Eliza did regret how it came to be. It should have been a far happier event than it was; it should have come from the rekindling of their love than from prudence and sense and duty as it did.
Perhaps she should not be sorry for prudence and sense and duty though? Had they not been such significant parts of Sidney's very being he would not have felt honour-bound to support his brother, he would not have offered for her and she would not have her precious Thomas. Without prudence, sense and duty, Sidney would have married Charlotte Heywood and that woman would have had all that was hers.
Where would she have been then? Would she still be pining after a man she could not have? Or might she have done as Miss Heywood did and sought what happiness she could wherever it was to be had?
Such fretting and pondering and worrying and speculating had taxed her energy and, eventually, even her restless thoughts gave way to mindless slumber. But Eliza did not sleep easily that night and her dreams, what fleeting ones she had, were not the usual happy sort.
Sidney had risen early with the light of the sun and the sound of workers beginning another day's labour. His rest had done him some, if no great amount, of good. His mind had settled itself and he was resolved to speak to his wife of their troubles.
Even in sleep the words exchanged between himself and Charlotte had continued to turn over in his head and, though it would not be an easy thing, he had determined she was right. He would always love Charlotte Heywood and he would always regret that she was now forever beyond his reach. But if his love wished him to make peace with all that had happened and with his life as it now was, that was what he would do. He would do it because it would make her happy and he would do it because his eyes had finally been opened to the suffering his resentment of the past had caused his family.
He had loved Eliza once; loved her enough that he had wanted to marry her and had known then no greater happiness than that brought on by thoughts of spending his life beside her. He had thought that she shared his love and now he needed to know what had changed that caused her turn her back on him.
She yet retained so many of those qualities he had admired in her but he would have been very foolish to still think, as he had upon their first reuniting, that she was unchanged or entirely unfeeling. He knew himself to be more bitter, more serious, more disdainful of those things he disliked or could not understand than he had ever been in his younger years. And she, though still vibrant and lively and beautiful had lost much of the wonder with which she once viewed everything she looked upon. She had become colder, more cynical and less kind to those who were not as fortunate as her. They were what the world and their lives had made of them and the fault could no more be laid upon each other's shoulders as upon their own.
Despite all that, she owned a depth of feeling and had proven herself still capable of the care and generosity she had once given so freely. Had she not poured her resources and energy into supporting Sanditon and his brother in recovering from their misfortune? Had she not loved and devoted herself to their son wholeheartedly? And, blind as he had been to it, had she not persevered in their marriage even at the cost of her own peace of mind?
He knew that the marked improvement in his ward's manner was due more to hers and Mary's influence than any actions he had taken. And he knew all too well how tiresome governing Georgiana could be. He also knew that she had been the one to secure the forgiving terms of the insurance taken out against Sanditon's building works and subsequently easing his brother's fears for his family's future. Eliza had ensured meals were always delivered to his study during those times when he became so focussed in his work that he neglected his own needs; she had heard his angry tirades without complaint when things went wrong and lent him her own strength, comforted and guided him when he could find no solutions. And for years he had refused to see these things for what they were.
Sidney had dressed himself at least as far as donning his smallclothes, shirt sleeves and breeches while he thought on this and, discarding the rest of his garments until they were truly needed, approached the door that connected his bedchamber with his wife's. He hesitated then, uncertain of what it was he truly wanted to come of the conversation he was about to initiate. But he steeled himself, knocked and entered. It needed to happen, come of it what may.
Eliza was woken by the slight creak of the connecting door as it opened and thought to herself that she would ask whichever of the servants had entered to tend to the hinges. She cracked her eyes open sleepily and was surprised to be met by the sight of her husband slipping into the room and instructing her maid, who must have already entered as she was already laying out Eliza garments for the day, to bring a tea tray and then leave them in privacy until her mistress called for her.
"Sidney?" she said as she rose to sit against her pillows.
Sidney turned to look at his wife as she blinked at him in confusion. "Good morning, Eliza." He greeted her with an unnerving cheer. It was a startling contrast to his bitter mood of late and Eliza was not sure what to make of it.
"Good morning, Sidney. Is there something you need? It's quite unlike you to invade my bedchamber so early in the morning." She observed but then saw the clock on her mantle and realised it was actually not so early and that she had been abed uncommonly late; something her husband was quick to raise to her awareness as he settled himself in one of the chairs arranged in a cluster at the foot of her bed.
"Come and sit with me, Eliza. We have much to speak on, you and I."
The small smile that had emerged on her face at his presence dropped as she realised his purpose was more serious than merely wishing to be with her as she liked to hope. Eliza sighed as she slipped from the bed and wrapped the silk robe that was draped over the chair at her dressing table about her. "Yes, I suppose we do." She murmured as she sat in another of the chairs, neither directly across from him nor fully beside him.
"It might be best, perhaps, that we start at the very beginning... I spent a long time wondering why you did it. I loved you and I thought you loved me. When you stopped meeting me I wondered if I had made some terrible mistake that drove you away and then when I learned from the papers that you had accepted someone else I thought maybe I just wasn't rich enough for you. I need to know Eliza. You tore my heart out when you turned your back on us without even a word of explanation and I could only think I must have been wrong; that you didn't love me at all. Look at me and tell me why!" his voice dropped to a broken whisper by the time he asked the question that had gone unanswered for more than ten years.
Eliza, who had been staring at her hands, alternating between being clasped tightly in her lap and wresting the fabric of her nightgown between her fingers, and sobbing silently as he spoke, suddenly snapped her eyes up to meet his is disbelief.
"You thought I didn't love you?" she whispered.
"What was I supposed to think? You refused my proposal. You stopped speaking to me, stopped allowing yourself to be seen in company with me without being surrounded by your friends or family. I saw the way you retreated from me. You couldn't even look at me in those last few days!" He cried, astounded that she seemed so surprised he come to the conclusions he did.
"Of course I loved you! I have never stopped loving you!" She despaired and stood from the force of her feeling, her hands clenched in shaking fists at her sides. But then she sighed with a resigned sort of defeat and slumped back into her chair.
"I left because I thought you deserved someone better than me. Someone who had the same dreams you did. You had so many dreams, Sidney; all those places you wanted to go. Do you remember? You wanted to see the world and go on adventures and make your fortune." She recalled but then her tone became one of exasperation. "I didn't want those things Sidney. I wasn't stupid; I know you thought I wanted more than you could give me. But I didn't. I didn't want more because you already had everything I wanted! You loved me and I loved you and I would have been happy with what you already had because we would have been comfortable and we would have been together and I didn't want or need more than that.
"You kept telling me about all these plans you had, all the places we would visit, the people we'd meet, the things we'd see! You wouldn't stop no matter how many times I tried to tell you that all I wanted was a home with you. You wanted to go so desperately; I could see it. But I hate travelling! It was all I knew when I was a child. We were constantly moving, going wherever my father's superiors sent him and I was so tired of it. The day they told me they were sending me to stay with my aunt is still one the happiest days I can remember living. I missed them constantly after I came back to London but I was so excited to finally be able to stay in one place, to make friends that I would have to leave behind the next time my father was reassigned."
Eliza had moved away from her chair once more to kneel before him and clasped his hands in hers as she begged him to understand. Her very being seeped despair and guilt and sorrow while he sat there in shock. He hadn't expected the things she confessed.
"You wanted to go and I couldn't bare to leave another place behind when I finally felt like I'd found somewhere I belonged, Sidney. And I knew you wouldn't be happy, not really, truly happy if you didn't get to experience those things, to chase those dreams. I loved that about you, I loved that you wanted more out of life than you had been handed. But you would not have been happy staying and I would not have been happy if I went with you. I could not be the person you wanted me to be. You wanted me to see the world with you but I had already seen more of it than I ever wanted.
"You deserved someone who would chase those dreams with you and I was not that person. I loved you enough to know it and I loved you enough to let you go. I wanted you to chase those dreams, Sidney. I refused you so you could do that! I tried to tell you why but you would not hear me after I gave you my answer. You just left and every time we met between then and your leaving you were so cold. I sent you letters but they were always returned unopened; I went our place every day but you were never there. I tried so many times to speak to you alone, to explain, to beg you to forgive me, to tell you I would be waiting for you if you chose to go, but every time someone would always appear and prevent my speaking or you would turn away from me and tell me we could have nothing more to say to each other." She chocked out between sobs and tears as years of supressed regret welled up once more and overwhelmed her. Her head had dropped to rest against Sidney's legs, muffling her words as she finished her explanation.
Sidney's jaw clenched as he fought to understand how a misunderstanding of such epic proportions could have come to be. How had he forgotten how much she hated to be more than a few miles from her home? How could he have thought she would willingly travel the world with him?
But then, he had read of her engagement and subsequent marriage to the late Mr Campion not six months following his departure from England. She claimed to have waited for him but she had not so he sought her explanation on this too.
"You had already left the country after months of silence between us and I had given up hope that would forgive me. I wrote you whenever I could ascertain your direction and never once received word back from you. The friends we shared would not speak of you to me, the few friends who did not think me a heartless Jezebel and still spoke to me." she said but refused to raise her head to look at him again.
"I refused to entertain any other gentleman my aunt and uncle introduced me too. In the end I pushed them too far and they were not willing to allow me to encroach on their generosity beyond that Season. I was to wed and wed soon." She recollected bitterly. "In my own misery I had already driven away most of the suitable men who would still have had me despite the taint that had been left on my reputation by our parting. With my parents both gone, I was left with little choice but to accept the first offer I received. I would have waited all my life for you but my circumstances prevented me from waiting any longer. I suppose I should count myself fortunate that Mr Campion had little interest in my serving any other purpose than quieting those who whispered about his preferences for… well for those who were not women." Eliza concluded and finally gathered the courage to look at her husband once more.
It was with relief that she saw the anger had fallen from his face and was now overshadowed by the same regret she had felt for so long. There was understanding too; at last all had been laid bare before them and they could only be sorry for how wrong they had been.
Sidney, cupped his wife's cheek with a mournful sigh for both their heartache that could have been so easily avoided if he had just been willing to listen to her. But what happened had, indeed, happened and they could not change their past now. They could only move forward and put past mistakes behind them. It was as Charlotte had said: it was time to make their peace with each other and look to the future and what lay before them than allow their regrets to preserve their suffering.
"Then when you said you came to the first Regatta for me…?"
Eliza smiled, feeling that, at last, some great obstacle had been overcome and they could finally be happy together. "I meant exactly that." she confirmed. "If I had wanted to attend a regatta, I could have done that quite easily in Town. Heaven knows there are enough of such things in the summer! You however were not in Town."
"You claim to hate travelling yet you travelled then and you travel regularly now. Has that changed?" Sidney pressed having realised the gap in her account and wishing that it might be explained away. He did not think he could bring himself to continue to bestow upon her what trust had been lately reformed between them.
Eliza laughed. That was easily answered! "We have, I think, both grown a great deal since then. I do not lie when I say I hate travelling. I never want to set foot on another ship in my life! But I have also come to better understand that I cannot entirely avoid travelling. Initially because I had to if I wished to see my relatives outside of the Season. Mr Campion's business kept him much in Town, such that we were rarely afforded the opportunity to visit his estate and it was fortunate his brother and his wife had been so willing to remain and oversee the day to day running of it, while my aunt and uncles were more often at their country homes than their Town homes.
"And now, as we call Sanditon our first home, I must travel to Town if I am to enjoy the things that can only be had there. It helps that it is an easy journey with good road so I am better able to tolerate it though I will never enjoy it. It is one thing to go between one's own homes in different counties and another entirely to be always shifting about from one place to the next."
Sidney let out a relieved breath and moved to pour them both a cup of the tea that had been brought in quietly by the maid while they were speaking. It was tepid when he took the first sip but finished it anyway. He stood then and suggested Eliza get dressed while he retreated back to his own chamber where he summoned his valet to rewrap the bindings about his chest. He'd made a hasty job it when dressing himself and, though much of the initial pain had eased and the bruises had turned that purple-bluish colour that indicated they had started to heal, he knew he would pay for the oversight later.
Eliza, while Sidney was getting his ribs rewrapped, remained sitting pensively for some moments longer. She knew that something significant had happened that morning and was certain it would lead to a change for the better. She was only uncertain as what would happen between them next? Would they have more moments like this? Would Sidney finally begin to let her in again? She didn't know and was reluctantly resigned to an uncertain future.
At length, Eliza rose from the chair, discarding the untouched teacup back to the tray and summoned her maid. She could not sit about in her nightgown all day when there were engagements to keep.
