- Chapter Ten -

Only an Outsider

Brianna wandered between bonfires. Laughter mingled with music as sparks danced upward, joining the stars in the deepening sky. It was tragic, really. She had wanted to believe she could belong. That she could make a difference. But her dagger lay gathering dust in Minaeve's bunkhouse. Those things no longer interested her.

She had told them everything about Corypheus's surprise attack on Haven. So when the festivities commenced at sundown to celebrate the successful closing of the Breach, preparations had already been made for a hasty departure.

A bard was singing nearby. The smell of stew and pastries wafted toward her on the night breeze. She hadn't eaten all day, but food was another of the many things that had lost their appeal. She felt cold inside, and she didn't think it was the winter chill.

Shadows haunted her steps as she skirted the firelight. The council members had spoken to her about her time in the chantry, their embarrassment clear. From the genuine regret on Leliana's face, Brianna sensed something had gone awry. Maybe she had deserved what happened after Barris's death. And though surrounded by people she had grown to care for, she felt nothing. Only an aching emptiness.

Varric sat with Cassandra and Iron Bull by a bonfire, knocking drinks with theirs. Cassandra took a long sip, trying not to smile at something Varric said. Ignoring the tug on her heart, Brianna turned away and walked the silent, abandoned path to Minaeve's alone. The shouts and cheers of the revelers faded as she stepped into the dim interior. She sank onto her bed, her head in her hands.

"How moving. Alone in a dark room, attempting to carry the weight of everything you've done without the aid of anyone. Impressive, but futile." Vivienne stood framed in the doorway. "Where is your hedge mage? I was under the impression you hadn't left his side since your arrival."

Her cheeks colored. "He's not-. I just wanted to be alone."

"Somehow, I find that difficult to believe."

Brianna's hands fidgeted in her lap. "I don't know why I'm here. The Inquisition doesn't need me."

"You're absolutely right about that, my dear. They've never needed you. Any difference you think you've made has been inconsequential at best. At worst… Well. Some lives will never be the same." Vivienne lifted her chin, staring down at her. "You are merely a distraction. A hindrance. The Herald is destined to make her mark on the world, while you will pass into obscurity, having contributed nothing to this world or the people in it. A pity, really. I was hoping to spare you the pain of making that discovery for yourself, but it appears I am too late."

Brianna fisted the bedcovers, knuckles white.

"As for the apostate, he will never care for you the way you wish him to. He is here only to aid the Inquisition, not to enter into some dalliance with a child. Imagining that you could mean something to him is foolish indeed. What could you possibly have to offer him? You know nothing of this world, completely unable to defend yourself or find your own way."

Stop. Please stop… Brianna bowed her head, swallowing the sobs that climbed her throat.

"I won't keep you. It grieves me to see you in such a state, and I understand if you are unable to remain. It's nothing personal, darling. But this is not your world. It never was." With her receding footsteps, silence fell over the cabin once more.

Brianna moved shaking fingers over her damp face. She stepped outside, filling her heavy lungs with cold night air. Solas's cabin was dark, and the absence ached. He was likely still with the council, giving them the details about Skyhold. With Corypheus and his dragon on their way, Haven would not be able to withstand the force of the attack, even with Brianna's prior knowledge and weeks to prepare. The people of Haven celebrated the sealing of the breach with a drink in one hand, a sword in the other. One of the trebuchets had been positioned, aimed towards the snowy cliffs above them. Burying Haven and escaping into the mountains remained their best option.

Brianna stripped off her leather pants, tugging on her old jeans and a sweater as she stuffed her armor into a leather satchel. What would happen to the eluvian? Skyhold was miles from here. She briefly considered finding a way to bring it with her. But deep down, she knew it would be safer if it stayed concealed in the forest, away from prying eyes.

She had to see it. Say goodbye.

Her heart grew heavier with every step that took her further from Haven. The snow crunched beneath her boots as a gentle breeze swept through the pines. The powdery white that covered the ground almost glowed in the moonlight, the sky scarred, but calm. Neirah had done that. She had sealed the Breach while Brianna looked on. Vivienne was right. Her being here would change nothing for the Inquisition. It was destined to succeed, as it always had been.

The cabin loomed before her, dark and cold against the snow. She stepped inside and froze. The wall was empty. The eluvian, gone.

"No… No no no!" Brianna rushed forward, moving her hands across the wall. The empty space mocked her. Her only connection to the world she had left behind had vanished, and with it, her last shred of hope.

Brianna's knees buckled and she crumbled to the floor, chest heaving with sobs. "What about Mom? Cynthia? They need me. I can't stay here. I… I can't. I killed Barris! I didn't mean to. Please, I didn't mean to…" Tears dripped from her eyes onto the rough floorboards. "Please, I need to go home! I ruin everything. Please, just let me go home, please…" She wept brokenly, her hands pressed against her face as tears leaked through her fingers.

A bell clanged a warning. A sentry's cry drifted on the wind. Brianna whimpered, shaking her head and curling in on herself. "Don't want to." Her voice cracked. "I don't want to. Mom, help me, please…" The clatter of steel rang through the woods and her stomach turned. She shouldn't be here. Brianna pressed her face against her knees. She shivered as biting cold pricked her skin. The disappearance of the eluvian was baffling, but sitting in the snow wasn't going to bring it back. She swallowed heavily. She didn't want to die.

Her mouth set in a grim line, she heaved herself to her feet, swiping the tears from her cheeks. A bellowing screech tore through the air as Corypheus's dragon swooped low overhead. The pines creaked and shuddered in its wake. Brianna lurched, knees buckling as her eyes followed the beast's underbelly. With a roar, a column of flame spewed from its gaping jaws, setting Haven alight. If she didn't leave now, she would soon be stranded on the wrong side of the mountains.

Brianna shouldered her pack, jogging back down the path to the gates. They hung splintered on their hinges and she squeezed through, coughing as she pushed through the thick, swirling smoke. Corpses littered the ground at her feet. She couldn't bring herself to look.

A dark, sneering voice slithered through the night, raising the hairs on her arms. In the midst of the destruction, flanked by the dragon, stood Corypheus, his massive, twisted frame silhouetted by roaring flames. Neirah dangled by one arm, struggling in his long-fingered grip. Her marked hand sputtered above her head as Corypheus brought his face close to hers. Tearing her eyes from the scene, Brianna scrambled away. She had mere minutes before Haven would be reduced to a heap of rubble.

Mercifully, the chantry doors opened for her. She closed herself into the deserted edifice with a pang of loneliness. Had no one searched for her? And she realized she had no idea where the summer pilgrimage path was. Leaving Haven had been a colossal mistake.

"Down here!" called a muffled voice.

Brianna took the stairs to the basement, spotting Cole picking the lock on a wooden door. "Cole? What are you-"

"It's not the path, but it's better."

"Where have you been?" I needed you.

"I told them not to worry, that you would follow. Solas didn't want to leave without knowing you were safe, but I said I would help." The lock clicked open and he stood, cocking his head to one side. "Your sadness was very loud and I wanted to find you, but Neirah kept shouting at me. She was worried, too. But you're here now and that's good. A little bit broken, but ready to try."

"Feels like more than a little bit."

Something flickered in his eyes. "She made your heart hurt."

"I'm okay."

"You're not, even though you say you are."

A far-off sound like thunder shook the floor. Her chest tightened. "Cole, I need to go!"

"This is the way to the caverns."

"Are you coming with-" Brianna started down the stone steps, but when she turned, he had already disappeared. The rumble intensified, the chantry's foundations shuddering. Brianna leapt down the stairs, turning the corner into a hallway. Small stones clattered around her as she rushed downward, into the darkness. The roar of the approaching avalanche filled the tunnels and she rounded another corner, praying she would make it to the caverns in time.

A loud crack reverberated through the tunnel. The walls buckled around her. She lurched forward, struggling to keep her balance as she careened down a long flight of steps. The tunnel crumbled behind her. Spotting the doorway below, she threw herself forward. Rocks tumbled down the steps as she slammed against the door and spilled onto the ground on the other side.

The tremors eased, and Brianna scooted away from the door, her pulse a wild pounding in her ears. She pressed her trembling hands to the ground, the frozen earth cool beneath her splayed fingers. The stairway was destroyed. Too close. Way too close.

She grunted, hauling herself to her feet. Her knee twinged and she winced, fingering the dark stain on her jeans. The Inquisitor survived falling onto this. She stomped a foot against the icy ground. I'll live. Neirah might need help if she's here. A soft wind whistled through the tunnel ahead. Brianna hoisted her pack more securely on her shoulders. "Now we walk."

Stalactites glistened on the ceiling, shimmering with her reflection as she passed. Her footsteps echoed in the narrow interior. It stretched endlessly before her, and she could only hope it would lead her to Neirah. Several minutes had passed when a dash of color caught her eye. A crimson blood smear stained the icy floor.

Chest tight, Brianna sprinted down the tunnel. Moaning wind whisked through the caves, raising goosebumps on the back of her neck. She ran alongside the blood trail as it sketched a shaky pattern through the drifting snow. She slowed when the caverns opened to frozen darkness. The mountains loomed above her like sleeping giants. The wind was louder now, howling like a living creature trapped in the swirling snow. Brianna only hesitated a moment before lifting an arm to shield her face, following the blood and footprints into the storm.

The brutal wind had not yet erased the uneven tracks or the blood-stained snow. In several places, a wide area of snow was packed down, as if she had fallen. Brianna slogged through knee-deep drifts, her tunic damp with perspiration. Her legs quivered. When she stopped to look around, all she could see was snow in every direction.

What am I doing? Her teeth chattered as she pressed forward. I'm not strong. I'm gonna freeze out here if I don't find her soon. She tripped, but caught herself. Tucking her hands under her arms, a wry smile lifted her stiff, chapped lips. "If I make it, Solas should hang out with me. Looks like I'm not completely pathetic after all."

Peering into the darkness ahead, she spotted a hulking shape propped against a boulder, horns and broad shoulders crusted with snow. "Neirah!" She plowed towards her, and her stomach clenched. Gaping wounds blistered Neirah's skin, burns and angry gashes oozing dark blood, her armor scorched and torn.

"Hang on, Neirah! I got you!" Brianna grabbed one arm, planted her feet, and pulled. But no matter how hard she tried, she didn't have the strength to lift her. "I'm not gonna leave you here!" she shouted, straddling Neirah's body and shaking her. "You need to beat Corypheu and save the world. That's what you do! That's your job and you're not allowed to quit now!" She smacked Neirah's frozen face as her desperation grew. "I can't carry you! You're too heavy and I don't have muscles. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let you just lay here and die like a pathetic person, do you hear me?!" She grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her hard. "Wake up and be the hero! Thedas needs you. I need you. C'mon, Neirah, get up!"

Neirah's cracked lips parted, an irritable huff almost lost in the bitter wind. Her eyes fluttered open and she wiped the snow from her face, spearing Brianna with a glare. "What's wrong with you, sitting on my tits and slapping me senseless? Rude."

"Neirah!" Brianna flung her arms around her neck, crushing her face against her chest.

"Now now… Let's not get emotional." Neirah patted her stiffly. "Nice speech, though."

Brianna pulled away, eyeing her. "I thought…"

"What… That I was dead or something? Don't be so dramatic, I was resting."

"Sorry. That's embarrassing."

Neirah grinned weakly. "I didn't want to ruin your moment."

"Thanks? We really need to go. Can you walk?"

"I still have legs, Peewee."

"Yes, but are they working?"

"They better, since you don't have muscles."

Brianna huffed a laugh as Neirah gripped her arms and limped to her feet.

"I was following the campfires. Don't worry, we'll find them. We're close." She winced, draping a heavy arm across Brianna's shoulders. "What are you doing here?"

"I really wanted to go home, Neirah."

"I thought you couldn't."

"I came through a mirror. It was special. Magical, I guess. I wanted to say goodbye. But when I got there, it was gone. It was stupid of me. I'm sorry for everything."

"You don't have to apologize all the time. I'm just glad you're here. I know it's a lot, but you also need to stop blaming yourself for Barris's death."

Brianna flinched, ducking her head as they trudged through the snow.

"It was an accident, and you're letting it destroy you. What about all the good you've done? You're like a little ray of sunshine that just appeared out of nowhere and everyone loves you. Okay, maybe not Vivienne, but everyone else does." She grunted, nursing her bruised ribs. A feline grin tilted her lips. "Especially Solas."

"Yeah, right…"

"I'm serious! Whenever I mention your name, his eyes sparkle a little bit, like this." She pulled a dreamy, lovesick face.

"Ugh, that's terrible."

Neirah's chuckle turned into a coughing fit. "I think you're good for him. I don't know what it is, but there's definitely something there."

Is she serious? Does he really… feel something?

Neirah gave her a shake. "You like him, too! It's written all over your face! I suspected at Therinfal for sure, the way you two were staring at each other. Never thought I'd see a girl like you go for a guy like him, but hey. If you like broody elves…"

"You're impossible."

"You didn't deny it, though."

"I'm not anything."

There was the bitter truth of it. She had believed she couldbe someone, but Vivienne's scathing words had shattered her delicate hopes. She had only confirmed the nagging fears that kept Brianna up at night. As she sorted through the scattered pieces of her soul, she wasn't sure she could put them back together.

Neirah halted, clutched Brianna's arms. "That is a lie," she snarled, eyes dark. "You are everything. You are sunshine and crystal grace and obsidian. You are strong and beautiful, and I am honored to call you my friend. I want you to have my back in the worst of it." She smiled even as she trembled in the cold. "You have the strength this world needs. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise."

Brianna's eyes burned, but not from the wind that howled around them. The words hissed like cool water against the burning wreckage of her heart, a fine mist in a blazing inferno. Since stumbling through the eluvian, she had lost all sense of self. Her family had been her whole life. Defined her. Apart from them, she was completely lost, swept away by innumerable uncertainties and doubts. A long-forgotten part of her yearned to believe that she was someone. But she wasn't strong or beautiful. Just awkward, sensitive, and accident-prone. Separated from her family and trapped in a strange world, she didn't know who she was. She wondered if she ever would. Silently, she pulled Neirah's large arm across her shoulders once more and pressed forward.

Neirah was flagging. Brianna's legs burned from trudging through the deep snow, and her shirt clung to her damp back. Neirah's bleeding had slowed, but Brianna knew they were running out of time. The storm had abated, tiny snowflakes floating lazily through the clear night air. "Hang on, Neirah. I think-" She squinted into the darkness. Two cliffs rose sharply before them, a valley sprinkled with tents and flickering bonfires beyond. Brianna sobbed with relief, and Neirah gave her a drowsy grin.

"Told you we'd make it."

"There they are! It's the Herald!"

Brianna had never been so happy to hear Cullen's voice.

Cullen and Cassandra, followed by two Inquisition soldiers, jogged through the snow to them.

"Thank the Maker!" The relief was plain on Cassandra's face.

Brianna's shoulders ached as Neirah's weight was lifted from them. Cassandra's firm grip was tight on her arm.

"You did well, Brianna. Maker only knows how you found each other. You're safe now."

Neirah was safe. That was all that mattered. The next several minutes passed in a blur as Cassandra lead her to camp. People were cheering, but she barely heard it. Her head fell into a pillow, heavy darkness wrapping around her. Bundled in soft, dry blankets, the chill slowly evaporated from her limbs. Just before sleep claimed her, the scent of earth and parchment curled around her, a breath of cold whispering across her cheek.