~revised~
Chapter XV
Doctor
He had braced himself as Mira had showed up in the console room again. He hadn't forgotten the looks she had given him on the space ship, and he doubted she had calmed down by now. She just knew how to hide it and not let it get in her way. Well, she was with the military after all and so clearly used to separate her personal feelings from the things that had to be done. Or it was simply due to her age. No matter which was the case, he appreciated it. It was more than enough with Rose behaving like she had during the last days.
But instead of giving him a real telling-off (which he somehow deserved, he had to admit that), she had just looked at him. He hadn't wanted to talk about it in the first place, but as he had seen all the understanding and sympathy in her face, he had just had to tell her.
And then she had hugged him. At first it felt weird – it wasn't a hug like the ones he gave people so often in his latest regeneration. It was a comforting, supportive embrace. And he had leaned into it. Just for a moment, or so he had planned. But then, something had happened. He didn't know how it had started or who of them had done so, but suddenly there she had been, gently plucking and nudging at his mind. It was completely different than the contact had been he just had with Reinette. That was – despite everything Reinette had seen – one-sided. But now he felt a psychic presence stroking his own consciousness, touching his senses in a way he hadn't felt for quite a while.
He hadn't dared to do anything, although he had been sure she had also been aware of it. He had just looked at her mind. He hadn't really been inside it, merely touching the surface.
And it had been wonderful. She was fragile and at the same time there was a strength to her which was just amazing. He had clearly seen just how old she was. Her mind was all shades of blue, from the darkest night blue to the bright and burning blue of a hot star. It was heavy like dark clouds over an endless ocean and at the same time light as a snowflake in the cold winter's air.
He could have continued this for some time – just staying there, holding her in his arms (well, to be precise: She was holding him) – and just looking at her in that way and finding comfort in her presence.
But, of course, Mickey had had to bump in, probably giving Mira the shock of her lifetime. Yeah, they had been kissing. Right, Mickey. And before he could have hold her back, she had been running after Mickey. Damage control she had said. Well, it was really high time for that, he was afraid so. As he stood and watched after her, he tried to sort out what had just happened.
Mira.
What a name for her. Besides that it obviously meant 'peace' in various Slavic languages, it was also related to the Latin word for 'wondrous' or 'wonderful'. There also was an oscillating, variable binary star named that way by the humans. It had gotten its name around 1638 due to the fact that it didn't behave like any other observed star at that time. It was changing in its magnitude in a somehow unpredictable way, sometimes even vanishing from sight completely. And her behaviour was in no way less contradictory and unpredictable to him than the behaviour of that star had been to the astronomers back in the 17th century.
At one time she showed a composure and self-security that was almost unbelievable, at other times she was so agitated and nervous that she was visibly shaking.
Of course, the self-security could just be a facade to hide behind as so many humans (and not only humans) used to do. But somehow he knew that this wasn't the case with her. She actually seemed to have all these conflicting traits to her personality. It was the same for her behaviour towards him. Back in the sickbay he had almost been able to see the wall she had build around herself. And now she had allowed that sort of mental contact. It might have just been accidentally, yet she hadn't done anything to end it.
During all his considerations he had deliberately ignored the mental pushes the TARDIS was giving him. He knew for himself that there was a lot to work out around here, starting with Rose and Mickey, and he also feared that Mira had still not forgotten about his behaviour back on the space ship.
He reached for the console and had just put his finger on one of the small switches that were scattered all over it as he was hit by an electric shock. The second one in not quite two weeks. At least this time there had been no sparks.
"What's it now?" he whined, looking around in the room. "Is this going to become a habit?" Well, actually it already had become one. He knew he could ignore her mental nagging up to a certain degree, but she also had other ways of expressing herself. You really are poorly maintained, he thought.
Normally, when they were properly maintained, TARDISes weren't supposed to behave like that. Of course he knew that this was only his fault, because it was his job and his alone to care for and maintain her. And generally he really loved his old girl, loved her exactly as she was. She was literally a part of him. But that didn't have to mean that they were always in complete agreement.
He eyed the console suspiciously, still rubbing his hand. "There are humans on board, you know? Do you want to electrocute them? You know how they are, touching everything," he tried to persuade her as he cautiously reached out for the console again. Just before his hand touched it he stopped. He could feel that she was about to do it again.
"Fine!" he gave up. "But if things get even more messed up, it's your fault!"
He hated it. He really did. All this fighting, with him somehow caught in the middle, even being the cause for it. He honestly thought that Rose had gotten everything right. How could she not? Then Sarah Jane showed up. And, even though he had told Rose that he would never leave her behind, she was still acting out like crazy. He had explained it to her as good as he was able to. But obviously she neither could nor wanted to trust him with that. He shot a disapproving look at the console before he reluctantly left the room. First Mira., if only to get through his well earned trouble.
...
He caught up with her as she was just closing the door to her room from the inside.
"Mira, wait." he said and grabbed the door handle.
"What?" She said as she opened the door again, just enough to look at him. He tried to read her face, but he couldn't find any hint about her thoughts on it. But there was one other thing. He could clearly feel the mental walls she had build around her mind once more. Alright, maybe low level psychic really hadn't been that accurate. He could almost physically feel them now. She was powerful. For a human at least.
"Any success? With your... Damage control?" he asked, struggling to give his voice at least a hint of casualness.
"For now," she said. Oh well, she clearly wasn't in for having small talk.
"Meaning?"
"He won't tell Rose anything. He means it. As long as he's not changing his mind because he's Mickey, or because of some post-puberty hormone rush, or because Rose is interrogating him..."
"Mira, I'm so sorry. I really am," he said in an attempt to not make it any worse.
She just looked at him without saying anything, eyebrows raised and anticipation in her face.
"Mira, I said I'm so-" he tried it again after a few moments.
"Sorry for what?"
Now it was on him to stare at her, his brows furrowed, eyes wide and clearly not getting her point. "What?"
"I want to hear what you are apologising for. Because you can say you're sorry as much as you like. As long as I don't hear from you what you're apologising for - and thus proving that you're actually getting what you might have done wrong - just saying you're sorry is pretty worthless to me."
"I..." All right. She might be a teeny-tiny bit beyond angry. But what did she want him to apologise for? Just for the things that had happened on that space ship? Or even for what had happened in the console room? Well, at least for the latter he definitely wouldn't apologise.
"Come in," she said. "No need for any more eavesdropping or something like that."
She shoved the door open further so that he could enter the room. It was a rather nice room he came to notice, functional and yet somehow cosy. In one corner were a round table and two chairs, against the walls were a chest of drawers, shelves and a closet. A few books were on the shelves as well as some decorative objects. The bed was covered by a soft looking blanket in a dark petrol colour and matching cushions. The furniture and the walls consisted of some light grey, plastic-like material as if the whole room was part of a prefab complex, ready to be put together anywhere.
He focused on Mira again who was leaning against the closet now.
"I'm sorry for the party. In France. I guess I shouldn't have left the three of you alone for so long. I...," he began to speak.
"Stop it."she said quietly as she walked over to the bed and sat down on it. She somehow looked as if she was tired of this whole situation. He was still standing next to the – now closed – door, his hands in his pockets and looking back and forth between her and his shoes. In her eyes he could see the weird calmness from before again. Silence before the storm...
"That dammed party isn't the problem. If it was for me, you could have stayed there for another two days. I've learned to take care of myself a long time ago." He could almost hear a hint of bitterness in her voice now.
"Then what is it?"
"You left me alone with two KIDS on a space-ship full of robots!" she exploded. She jumped up and gesticulated angrily. "Do you gave any idea what could have happened to them? Did you even give a god damned thought about what might have been there? Besides a HORDE of robots? Like automated defence systems, energy shields to fry yourself in, unsecured wireless power transmissions, automated security hatches to crush someone, and hundreds of other things that even I would've overlooked? But at least I KNOW not to TOUCH anything and how to move around CAREFULLY, that's how I've managed to survive for over a thousand years!"
"I-"
"Shut it! I'm not done yet," she interrupted him harshly.
He winced and instantly closed his mouth. There was something in her voice that made it very clear that he should better listen now. And she had quite a temper.
"I have no idea what exactly is going on between you and Rose. I don't know your point and what she knows. And you know what? I DON`T BLOODY CARE! Just fix it! Talk some sense into her. Either she listens to me the next time you leave us alone, or I won't guarantee for her safety. And if something happens to her or Mickey, it's YOUR fault, not on MINE!" she yelled.
"Mira. You..." he made another attempt to speak. She was right. It really had been risky this time. He just had gotten caught up in the middle of the events somehow. As always. And above that, he hadn't expected that it was that bad with Rose. "... are not finished yet." he added as he saw the look in her eyes.
"No, I'm not. I have no problem if you just leave like that. But then make sure that Rose listens to me. I would have sent them back into the TARDIS and everything would have been fine. But not with her running around and openly trying to sabotage me and risking HER LIFE whilst doing so!" Even though her voice had been relatively calm at the beginning of this sentence, at its end she was again yelling at him."Look, I really didn't want to tell you all that right now. Not after what happened to Reinette. After what we've just...What just... Never mind. But I'm afraid there won't be another opportunity before we're ending up in trouble again. And if Mickey tells Rose what he thinks he saw, then I don't know what Rose will do next. Certainly not listening to me."
"May I now-" Say something, he added silently in his mind, as she still wasn't finished.
"Oh, and as for the time window: Have you even given as much as a single thought about that? What would have been if you hadn't made it back? We might have found a way off that ship. But what then? Rose and Mickey trapped three thousand years into their own future? With everyone they had ever known dead for ages? Have you ever thought about that?"
Well, no. He hadn't thought about it in that way. He hadn't doubted that he would have been able to get back to the ship, back to his TARDIS and to somehow put everything right again. But now as she was confronting him with it... It could have gone wrong. Horribly wrong.
"I... Mira. I'm so sorry," he started and saw the anger flashing in her eyes again. "I mean, no, I haven't thought about it in that way. But I made a promise to Reinette." he hurried to clarify it.
"You also made one to Rose and Mickey by bringing them along with you, didn't you?" The look in her eyes had changed. It wasn't anger any more – but what then? Fear? Pain? "To get them home again safely, and not to leave them far away from their own time and home."
Now he understood. She was mad at him, and it was understandable, but the real reason why she exploded at him like that lay deeper.
"Far away from their own time just like you 'skipped' some years?" he asked quietly. He remembered that there were some gaps in her own history. Something around six-hundred and fifty years all together. He could see how startled she looked for a moment before she gathered herself. So he was right.
"That's not the point here," she visibly forced herself to say. "It's mainly about Rose's behaviour."
"I didn't know that Rose was acting out like that," he decided to let go of Mira's 'skipped' years for now. "I just don't know what's gotten into her. I mean, she knows..." He looked at her face for a sign that she would understand what he was about to say.
"Knows what?"
"Well. I mean, why she's behaving like... she is behaving."
"Go on..."
"She's... She's not jealous, is she?"
"Wow! Finally! You got it."
"Mira..."
"Sorry. I know, I'm being sarcastic." She sat down on the bed again, her head resting in her hands with her elbows on her knees. After a moment he sat next to her, staring straight ahead. "You really need to talk to her," Mira said eventually and turned her head to face him. He also turned his head and eyed her carefully. No more anger in her face. Good. The last thing he wanted right now was another outburst of fury from her, however justified it might be.
"Why? She knows what's between her any me."
"Does she? Have you ever told her?"
"No. Not really, but.."
"Then how should she? She's not a telepath. She can't look into your head. Apart from that, I honestly doubt that she would believe it, even if she could see for herself."
"But... Why wouldn't she believe it?"
"Oh for god's sake!", she yelled, causing him to flinch. "She really is mature for her age. Handling all this really well, I mean. You, your TARDIS, all these weird things you constantly stumble into. But apart from that, she's just nineteen. She's insecure like hell when it comes to herself and to you. Or any other guy she would fall for. And even if you would tell her every second that nothing will ever come between the two of you, she still wouldn't be able to believe it. Or to trust in it. That's why she just can't stand me. Why she couldn't stand Sarah in the first place. But after all, Sarah was a person from your past. And much older than herself, visibly older, so she didn't really see her as a threat any more. But I am right here, right now." She looked at him for a moment as if considering what to say next. "I actually did hear your conversation at the chip-shop. What you said to her about not being able to life your life with her. And trust me, I totally understand that. It's just..."
"What?" he enquired.
"It's not fair. I don't know if you just like her or if you love her and if so, in which way, but obviously what she wants is not going to happen if it's for you. But she is clearly still waiting for that."
He looked at her for a moment, deep in thoughts. Was he really treating Rose so unjustly? He thought it was fine just as it was. And if Mira and Sarah Jane hadn't shown up he would still think that. But Mira was right. He could never give Rose what she wanted and deserved. He had told her so, but she was obviously still hoping for it.
And, by the way, when did Mira and he get from her yelling at him to having such a conversation?
"I know," he finally admitted it and ran his hand through his hair. "But I don't want to lose her."
"But she is suffering. Every time when someone else comes along she feels recessed, because - despite of how often you tell her that this can't be - she still doesn't give up hope. You can't lead her on forever."
"I'm not leading her on!"
"Not intentionally. But if you really care for her, you should either commit to her or set her free. And by setting her free I mean: Keep your feelings to yourself. No more: 'I won't leave you, yet we can't be together like that.' That is anything but a 'No' to her. Sometimes... Sometimes love means to let someone go if you can't be with them."
He had always avoided to see it like that. Being honest, he was avoiding the whole topic. He basically knew it couldn't go on like that forever, no matter how much he would've liked it. He had to make a decision. Maybe he had just needed to hear it from someone else. Someone who seemed to know exactly what was going on in his head.
"Talk to her. Now. At least about how to behave when she's not in the TARDIS. Before we're landing in the next strange place," she said to him.
"Fine. I guess I have to," he replied after a moment and eyed her intently. "We're good again? I mean, as in: Whenever there is something, such as you want to talk, or... well, whatever, you know I'm there, don't you? So, I'm better be off, eh, there's certainly another deserted space ship or something like that waiting." He smiled at her and was out of her room before she had the chance to reply anything.
Bored411: Thank you for that lovely review :-) I'm really looking forward to Pete's world myself :D
alwaystherereading, 10th Squad 3rd seat, time-twilight: thanks for your reviews as well.:-)
And of course a big hug to all the others reading, liking and following my story so far. I honestly wasn't expecting that at all as I started writing it, and to me it still seems a bit surreal that someone is actually reading and even enjoying the weird stuff I'm writing. :D
