~revised~

Chapter XXI

Rose

She had tried to stop crying as she had gotten into the TARDIS, but it hadn't worked. She was not only crying because she had lost Mickey, but also because it had suddenly hit her how she had treated him. Maybe they hadn't been together anymore, and maybe she had failed to see it, but he was one of her oldest friends. And now he was gone, left behind in another universe she would never be able to reach again if the Doctor was right.

She was sitting on the jump seat now and watched the Doctor as he programmed the TARDIS, pulled a lever and the old time ship came to life with her distinct whooshing-sound. Mira stood leaning against the handrails and looked at her with a compassionate expression in her face. Rose didn't even find it in her now to shot her another hateful glance. Maybe the other woman had been right. She wasn't a hateful person, and most certainly not now. She just felt empty and tired.

She turned her head to the Doctor again, who was studying the screen. "Oh yes!" he suddenly exclaimed, smiling widely and almost jumped. "We made it. We're back home!" He looked around, first to Mira and then to her, his smile slowly fading. She tried to smile back, but failed miserably. Slowly he walked over to her and sat down beside her. She turned her head to where Mira had been standing, but she was gone now, leaving them alone in the console room.

She didn't dare to look at the Doctor, so she stared on the little glass sphere on the console. Her heart was pounding in her chest so madly that she was sure he could hear it. She anxiously waited for him to say something, and at the same time she prayed he would remain silent. She was scared that he would throw her out of the TARDIS now, take her back to Jackie, back to her old life, back to a life without Mickey and without him. That he would never return for her like he did with Sarah Jane. That he would stay with Mira in the TARDIS, live a long and happy life even after she herself was long dead. And somehow it had all been her fault. She wasn't even sure by now if she would have really told him anything about Mira to make him throw her out of the TARDIS.

Besides that, she had had some time to think as she had been heading for Pete's Home. Walking through a London that wasn't her London. Imagining how it must feel to be stuck here forever, with no real place to call home. All alone. Her opinion about Mira was changing. The other woman wasn't just an annoying problem she wanted to get rid of any more. She wouldn't go so far to feel real sympathy for her, but it had become way more complex now.

"Do you still want to go home?" she heard the quiet voice of the Doctor. She had expected a lot, a lecture, accusations, anger, but surely not that. She turned her head and looked at him in surprise.

"I don't know. I... I want to see my mum, I guess...," she said carefully and sniffed, studying the look on his face. He was eyeing her as if he knew exactly what she was thinking. Maybe he did. Suddenly she couldn't hold back her tears anymore. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it, honestly." She sniffed as she covered her face with her hands. She could feel his arm around her shoulder and how he pulled her closer. Now she was crying without restraint, clinging to him and soaking the white shirt he was still wearing with her tears. After am moment he moved her away a bit.

"Rose, look at me."

She opened her eyes and found his face in front of her.

"It's okay, Rose. I forgive you. But just this once. Don't ever try to use me like that again, do you understand?"

She could just nod at him. It was as if a bunch of rocks were falling from her heart. She sobbed and he pulled her closer once again, comfortingly rubbing her back.

"Now let's go see Jackie then, hm?"


Mira

She had finally gone to her room as soon as the Doctor had stated that they were home again. That had hit a bit too close to her bones. Home, as if. His home maybe, Rose's home, but not hers. After hearing the Doctor talk about closed rifts in time and space and about the impossibility of travel to any other universe in all certainty, she had finally seen quite plainly that there was no one she could return to, like Rose could to her mother now as they where back in their universe. Not now and maybe never. And above all, she had a dull pain in her head now that slowly grew into a full blown migraine. No wonder after all that. She wasn't blaming it on the Doctor messing with her brain, most likely it was because of the Cybermen. It just had been a bit too much for one day.

So she had outright fled the console room, ignoring the irritated look the Doctor had given her as he was sitting next to Rose and almost had been running to her room. She just desperately needed some time alone to gather herself after all the pain she had felt. Even though the Doctor had blocked the agony of the Cybermen out of her mind quite fast, it was still affecting her and she was on edge because of that. Now that all the adrenalin of their escape had ceased, it had left her rather vulnerable and all she wanted was solitude, a hot shower and some sleep to help with her headache.

As soon as she was in the shower she started to cry without restraint. Crying not only because of what had happened to the Cybermen, but also because she felt so absolutely and utterly homesick right now. She hadn't felt like that in a very, very long time. And not only that. She could feel something else creeping up her spine and soaking into her brain. The feeling of everything being meaningless, as if her whole existence was eviscerated by losing everyone and everything. By being stuck in a place where she didn't exist, never had existed and no-one had ever known her. All that she was were the memories inside her own head.

Stop it.

She was sure that she could cope with what had happened to the Cybermen, she had been through some pretty extreme things before. And she considered herself quite resilient, otherwise she wouldn't have survived her own life for even a week. It would take a bit of time, but she would get over it eventually. And then, hopefully, the rest wouldn't seem that bad either.

After what had seemed like an eternity and her tears had finally dried she stepped out of the shower and dried herself with one of the huge, fluffy towels. She avoided the mirror (She could very well imagine how she looked like right now), put on the large, grey sleeping shirt that reached down to her knees, put a towel over the pillow and crept under the blanket. She didn't really care that her hair was still soaking wet and the towel wouldn't protect the pillow for long. She pulled the blanket over her head and with the humming of the TARDIS in her ears and her mind she was asleep within minutes.

...

She was walking through endless corridors, a strange stomping noise in her ears. Her body felt weird, and she tried to look down at herself, but she couldn't really see anything. Now there was another sound, a beeping, almost like an alarm. And then she saw it. Cybermen. Walking in line, endlessly. She tried to run, but instead she suddenly found herself walking alongside them. They didn't seem to notice her. Finally, they reached the control room. She went over to a console, as if she knew exactly what to do. She looked up to some displays, and there it was. A reflection. Her reflection. Silver metal with two round eyes with a slit on the outer edges like tears. Horror was taking over her brain. Horror and incredible pain. She wanted to scream, but she couldn't. She tried to lifted her arm in silent terror to touch her face, to smash the reflective surface. But her body didn't react. She couldn't even breathe. She felt as if she was dying, suffocating, but the metal suit prevented it. Then she heard a banging sound. Someone was smashing something. Like...

...

She woke up gasping for air and looked around her in disorientation. The light was still on – or was it on again? It took her a few seconds to make sense of her surroundings. That definitely wasn't her flat in Terrania nor a cabin on one of the ships of the Fleet. It looked like her apartment on the moon, but where was the window? But there was a familiar sound. She was in the TARDIS, the ever present humming of the ancient ship helped her to realise. And there it was again. The weird banging sound.

Knock, knock, knock.

Someone was persistently knocking at the door. Now she realised that she had already heard it in her dream. What a dream that had been. A nightmare. She sat up, buried her face in her hands – it actually felt like skin and flesh and not like metal - and drew a deep breath to calm her heartbeat and the throbbing in her head. The feeling from her dream had been how the Cybermen had felt once they had realised what they were. Shortly before they had gone mad. Then she looked at the door and rolled her eyes. Whoever it was was still knocking. Well, there weren't that many possibilities. Basically, there was only one person on board who she thought capable of being that annoyingly persistent. She looked at the clock. She had been asleep for not even an hour. She laid down again, pulling the blanket over her ears. Maybe ignoring him would help.

Knock, knock, knock.

"Oh God dammit!" she yelled at the door as the knocking still continued, shoved the blanket away and finally got out of the bed. "No answer is an answer sometimes. Is a little bit of silence and sleep too much to ask for?" Now the knocking stopped and the door handle moved slowly. With a few steps she was at the door, grabbed the handle herself and pulled the door open. "What?" she snapped exasperated. She had never been overly polite when she got woken up, even if it was from a nightmare.

The Doctor stood in the corridor, wearing his brown suit again, his hand hovering in the air about where the door handle was. He looked at her in surprise and even a bit startled, but almost instantly his brows furrowed in sorrow as he looked up and down her, before his eyes rested on her face again.

"I just wanted to check if you're alright. You weren't sleeping, were you?" He had shoved his hands in his pockets now and his tone was all innocent and harmless. His eyes - not so much. They were piercing and observing her intensely from above, as he had laid his head back slightly.

"I actually was sleeping. And yes, I'm fine," she said and lowered her gaze. She knew how she looked like now, after not even an hour of sleep. Her eyes were probably still swollen and red like hell.

"You don't look fine," she heard him say. She peered at him from below, his brows were arched now and concern written all over his face.

"Yeah, whatever. I will be fine," she sighed. She didn't have the nerves to deal with him or with anyone else right now. "I just want to go back to sleep."

"Back to more nightmares?"

Now it was on her to look at him in surprise. "I...Hell, yes, I know I look like shit. Why not? Nightmares or not, it's sleep after all." She rubbed her forehead and then leaned against the open door, her arms crossed. "Why are you really here?"

"As I said. To see if you're okay. And I was thinking that maybe you don't want to be alone now. I dropped Rose in her living room and she's with her mum so..."

"You're spaceship is parked in her living room?" she said and made an attempt to a lop-sided grin.

"Um.. It was. We're in the backyard now. Was a bit cramped in there," he replied without taking his eyes off her.

She desperately wanted to be alone now, somehow. Well, not really. She wanted someone of her friends here. Or at least to have the certainty that they were somewhere around where she could see them again soon. Like in the same universe as she was. Great. She felt tears in her eyes. Not now. Not again. It was of no use to give into this right now. It wouldn't help but only make things worse. Not that she didn't appreciate his efforts, but she still wanted to keep him at a distance, for so many reasons, and right now she didn't found herself in the position to deal with him in the right, distanced way.

"Listen, I..." she started and tried to blink the tears away. Suddenly, before she could finish the sentence, she found herself wrapped in his arms. Her first impulse was to step back, but at the same time she knew it would have been pointless. Not because he was holding her that tight, she just couldn't find it in her. Again it was as if his mere presence was soothing her. Behind his airily facade, his manic behaviour was something deep and calm that gave her a feeling of security and safety. So she could do nothing but to give in to his embrace.

"Hey, come here. It's fine," he whispered and pulled her even closer. Her head came to rest on his chest and she could hear his heartbeats. There actually were two. One strong on his left side, where her head was resting, and a fainter one echoing it.

"It's alright, hmm?" he continued in a soft voice and gently stroke with one hand the back of her head. For a moment she almost forgot everything around her. The ill fate of the Cybermen, Ricky and Angela Price, the fact that she was trapped in this universe and even how much she despised being here. She listened to the strange and calming rhythm of his heartbeats, took in his soft, alien scent and felt the reassuring strength of his arms around her. She delved into all this for one more moment, before she slowly but determined freed herself and took a step back.

"What?" he asked quietly and looked at her intensely. She met his glance for a second before she had to look away again. Her heart skipped a beat as she remembered how he had glanced at her earlier.

"Go," she said, her voice hardly more than a whisper.

"What? Why?"

"Just... Go. Please." She still couldn't look at him. A part of her wanted him to stay more than anything else right now, just to be with him for a while, maybe to even fall asleep in his arms, but the rest of her knew they had taken it too far already. At least she had done so. From now on she would only focus on the task at hand, which was finding a way back. Not making friends, most of all not close friends. Not becoming attached to someone as it was about to happen right now. And surely not giving people any reason to think that they where together. Hell, Mrs Moore had been dammed sure about it. Not causing any more trouble and damage, not to Rose nor anyone else by steering things up here.

She finally looked up and into his eyes, only to immediately regret it. Besides the puzzled look in his face there was so much warmth and compassion in them, that make her heart hurt. He took a step back as she was slowly closing the door. As the door was completely shut, she turned around and leaned with her back on it. After a moment of hesitation she slowly slid down to the floor and buried her face in her hands. She knew he was still standing on the other side. Not much later she heard him walk away, his steps fading away in the distance.


Doctor

He was standing a few inches away from the door that had just closed right into his face. Well, only closed, not slammed, but still. He laid his forehead against it for a moment. She was sitting on the other side on the floor, he had heard her sliding down the door. At least he couldn't hear her crying, but still she was far from being fine. And not just because of the Cybermen. He had gotten a glimpse of her feelings earlier on. He had tried not to look too much into her mind, just enough to remove the block he had built earlier, but of course for that he had to get into her head somehow. It had been enough to notice the loneliness and forlornness in there. And what had really unsettled him was how old those feelings were. She had been feeling like that long before she came here. So long that it had become a part of her, casting shadows over her mind with its all-embracing darkness. Of course, after all that had just happened and considering how exhausted she was he wouldn't have expected it to be all happy and bright in there.

Nevertheless, it had hurt him to see it and it was still hurting him, now even more so as she had basically thrown him out of her room, despite her clearly not being all right.

And it was not only loneliness that had spread its dark wings in her mind. There had been something else, something way more dangerous and potentially disastrous, somehow dormant and carefully locked away. Basically, it was the same strength he had sensed in her earlier. But now he could clearly see that it was a two edged sword in the truest sense of the meaning. It could be as constructive and life-bringing as it could be destructive – destructive most of all to herself, he was afraid. He somehow knew that exactly this strength had almost brought her down once before. He hadn't seen exactly what had happened as he hadn't looked at her memories, he only knew that it – whatever it had been – somehow was the source of a lot of the darkness in her soul. And right now he wanted nothing more than to comfort her. He was very well aware of the fact that he couldn't undo all the damage and darkness in her mind, he had no illusions about that, but he could maybe prevent her from dwelling into it too deep, from waking it up again and bringing back whatever had caused it. If she would only let him.

He hesitated for a second or two and considered if he should knock on her door again, but then decided against it and walked back to the console room. She would only throw him out again, he was certain of it. As he was walking he could hear the TARDIS sighing in his mind, mainly in frustration but also in sorrow. She was only too aware of what was going on with her passengers.

Humans, he thought. He could very well understand why the TARDIS was frustrated. At least he was on a good way with Rose. Well, besides that he hadn't really talked to her so far. But it really hadn't been a good time earlier on. She needed to sleep and she had wanted to see her mother, only too understandable after she had just seen how the Jackie of the parallel universe had died.

At least the TARDIS was for once not frustrated because of him, he thought as he reached the console room. He gently stroke one of the pillars before he turned his attention to the console. There was still a bit damage that she hadn't repaired on her own. But he was still absent-minded. He was not only thinking about how to talk to Rose, but his mind also was still with Mira. A faint hint of cloves and lavender lingered in his nose. It came from his jacket where her head and her still slightly wet hair had rested.


bored411, 10th Squad 3rd Seat: Thanks for reviewing :-)