~revised~

Chapter XXV

Mira

She had agreed to the Doctor's plan. It would indeed be counterproductive to tell them about the plant and its plans with the rocket at this point in time. They would decide to storm the basement – or at least, trying to do so, and eventually some of them might be able to get close to this thing. There had always been a certain percentage of humans who proved to be more resistant against psychic powers. At least where she came from. They would kill that poor thing – she wasn't convinced that it was actually hostile, it only seemed to do just what it had always done: Ensure its survival and that of its children. Above all, it was a plant. Even though she had been in its mind, she didn't really understand it and its motivations. It was just too foreign to grasp it in such a short time. But, despite what she had told the Doctor, she had very well noticed how the plant had made her ruffle his hair. And what gorgeous hair he had. Thick, silky and soft.

It had only happened because the plant needed a bit control over her mind and body for the Doctor to talk to it. Plus, she had actually been in the plant with her mind to find out more about its plans. Well, it was a bit less than ideal that the plant had told him about how attached she was to him, as it obviously had gotten a glimpse of her feelings, but well, no need to cry over spilled milk. Doesn't mean she would throw herself at him at the next opportunity.

If it had been an ideal world, maybe. If she had met him in her universe, and if she had something remotely resembling a private life, then she would have considered it. Maybe. If her heart hadn't been broken so many times before. If she didn't know exactly that she would lose him sooner or later, because no matter how long he could live, he wasn't immortal. Immortality wasn't the default mode of evolution, so even if he would live for ten-thousand more years, he was still mortal.

Apart from that, she didn't really know him. Sometimes he seemed to be incredibly familiar, and at other times he was so alien to her as hardly anyone had ever been before. And she had met a lot of alien species. Even the two relationships in her life – long term relationships that actually deserved to be called that – had been with aliens.

Hell, when did she go from 'Not possible' to seriously considering it?

She looked over to him. They were walking across the launch site, along the street where they had moved the rocket launch pad to its destination a few month earlier, as the Doctor had told her. He was looking over to the rocket, which was lit by countless floodlights. Besides that, the night was pretty dark and she lowered her head again to watch the ground to not trip over something. Rose had stayed back at Control Center. They hadn't been able convince them to put everything in the Firing Room back together, nor that they had found the source of the energy loss and they shouldn't worry. Maybe due to the fact that right as the Doctor had been babbling about some explanations the lights had gone dark again for almost five minutes. So they had left Rose there to do some damage control in case they were discovered. After making sure of that, despite Rose protesting, they had been on their way as soon as it had gotten dark.

The main plan was to get the seeds and undo whatever the plant had done to the rocket to strengthen their bargaining position. And prevent it from blowing up, of course. Meaning they had one night to search a rocket that was about three-hundred and sixty-three feet tall for something they didn't even know how it looked like, plus looking for a detonator that might be somewhere in or on the rocket, on the launch tower, in the Control Center, or somewhere completely different.

"Ah, dammit!" She swiped at a gnat that just bit her in the arm. These bloody things where practically eating her since they had left the Control Center. They had driven the first part of the way by car – the Doctor had 'borrowed' a rather nice nineteen-sixty-seven Chevrolet Impala that had been parked in front of the building - but decided to walk the last part to minimize the risk of discovery.

"What? Another mosquito? If you go on like this you'll wipe out the whole population here."

"Shut it. Right now I'm considered their natural enemy. If they want to survive they simply have to stop biting me. Apart from that, they're eating me, not you. All of them apparently."

"Nah, can't get through my skin. Plus, they can't feed on my blood. Too different."

"Yeah, good for you!"

He looked at her as if he wanted to say something more, but instead of doing so he turned his head to the rocket again. At least that was what it looked like to her in the dark of the night. It was new moon, so she could hardly see anything.

"So, that'll be the sixties, hm?" he said.

She narrowed her eyes, trying to figure out what that was supposed to mean. Small talk? Him? He babbled a lot, but normally about technical stuff or something like that. And babbling didn't equal small talk. "Yeah?" she said cautiously.

"Where have you been back in your world when they flew to the moon?"

She rolled her eyes. "At home."

"Where was that?"

She stopped, and, after two or three more steps, so did he before turning around to look at her.

"You just can't let go of it, can you?"

"What? I only asked where you were. It was your father in this rocket after all, and a bit later they thought he was a renegade. Just wonder what had happened to you then."

"What?" It took her a moment to realise that he didn't know it. In her universe it was history. Here, no-one knew it. "I don't know what you think happened, but it's most likely wrong. Besides, had it ever occurred to you that maybe I don't want to talk about it? Not now, not to you or anyone else?" She tried to figure out the expression on his face, but it was way too dark.

"Actually, it did occur to me, yes."

"So?"

"I was just thinking that maybe talking about it might help. You've been a bit on edge since we're here. And you know you can trust me, don't you?" he answered, again all innocent, whilst rubbing his neck.

She just blinked at him in disbelief. "It might help? You honestly think talking about things that can't be changed will make them any better? Despite the fact that I made it dammed clear that I won't talk about them? And this is so not about trust." She shook her head, and before she could help herself, she continued, "I can't believe it. It might help. Just like talking about your life helps you?" Oops. Just as the last word left her lips she already regretted it. But there it was.


Doctor

"What?" The Doctor looked at her bewildered. Although it was quite dark, he could still see enough to make out the slightly shocked expression on her face. The light of the stars was enough for him.

"Nothing. Forget it," she said and crossed her arms after she had waved at another gnat that had gone for her ear.

"No, I'm not forgetting it. What did you mean?" He was still studying her face. In spite of knowing that a counter-attack like that was a rather common defence-mechanism not only throughout human behaviour but also a lot of other species, he almost felt anger rising in him. What did she know about him to make such statements? He honestly just wanted to help her.

"You're not much better when it comes to avoiding certain topics, that's what I mean."

"What?"

"Oh come on. You did it. Twice. Once back in Pete's world, in the TARDIS as I was asking about your people, and just recently your sudden and almost inappropriate change of topic. I admit, maybe I'm wrong regarding the second time, but surely not when it comes to the first time."

"Mira, don't go there," he said quietly.

"No? See what I mean? Now you're resorting to threats. I respected it back then and didn't bother you any further. Okay, maybe I did go a bit too far in the TARDIS, but I wasn't constantly rubbing it in after that. You surely have your reasons why you won't talk about it. Is it too much to ask for you to respect that I don't want to talk about certain things as well?"

"You´re accusing me of being disrespectful?" That was a blow. One could accuse him of a lot of things, but surely not of disrespect. Maybe he was a bit impertinent from time to time, but that didn't change the basic respect he felt towards every living being. And surely he respected her.

"I don't know. Are you? I know nothing about you. Maybe it's just the way you are. Maybe I should bother you as much as you bother me, because it's considered polite amongst your people. But, unfortunately, in this case I can't read your emotions, not to speak of reading your mind. And besides, talking about trust: I may not be an expert on that subject, but I always thought of it as a mutual thing. So I'm supposed to trust you, but obviously I have no idea if you trust me as you keep everything to yourself." She shot him an angry look and then walked past him. He looked after her. Did it really come across like that to others? Did he come across like that? None of his friends and companions had ever found such clear words. Well, they had been close, but not after such a short time. And somehow he had the feeling that she hadn't said everything yet. That there was more she knew about him, by just observing him for these few weeks. She hadn't been in his head, had she? Not really, not like he had been in hers.

All right, maybe he had forgotten about the fact that she was so old for a moment. She must have known so many people, alien and human alike, probably there was hardly anyone who could actually fool her. She clearly wasn't like Rose or anyone else of Rose's age. Besides, Rose had backed off after she had asked him where he came from. Back then, as they had watched the last days of Earth. Mira on the other hand didn't seem to be the kind for backing off at all. She went in head first.

He struggled with himself for a moment. He had told Rose, but no one else. He wanted to leave it that way, so that sometimes he could just pretend... On the other hand, she had pretty much figured it out on her own. Besides, he had the distinct feeling that if he remained silent now, something between them would break before it had even begun. Something that couldn't be fixed so easily. And he didn't want that.

"You were right," he finally called after her. "It was a war." She turned around to face him again.

"A mighty race, the Daleks, attacked us. They tried to wipe us out. And, just like you said about the attack on your world: We lost. Everyone lost. But unlike you, we didn't recover. They're all dead. Everything is gone. My people, my family, my friends, my... my homeworld, everything." He looked at her, almost feeling as defeated now as he had felt back then. And it was his fault. He had made it happen.

He couldn't tell her that. She would hate and despise him. There wasn't any other way for her or anyone else to see it. It was how he saw himself. But it had been the only thing left to do. There hadn't been any other choice. And he was paying the price for it now, every waking moment. It even haunted him in his sleep. She walked the few steps back to him.

"But how? I mean, you have space-travel. How could everybody be dead? Didn't you have colonies in space?"

"No. That... That just wasn't our way. They're all gone. I'm the only one left."

"How can you know? The universe is so huge, maybe some got away, just like you did?"

He looked at her. It was not that she didn't believe him, she just wanted to cling to something to give him hope, he realised.

"No, there is no one. I would feel it," he said and tapped at his head.

"Oh my god," she whispered as it obviously dawned on her. "You really are a telepathic species. You were all linked, and now..."

"Yeah," he said, his voice cracking and feeling tears in his eyes. Earlier on he sometimes had wished that he couldn't always feel them in his head, but he hadn't known it any differently. To him it was as natural as seeing must be to humans. And now he actually was alone in his head, apart from the TARDIS. Reminding him that they were really gone, and he wasn't just away from Gallifrey as he had been earlier. There was no place he could return to. He had run away from there, avoided his home for so long, and now he wished nothing more than to return to this old planet. He lowered his gaze, because he couldn't stand the compassion he saw in Mira's eyes. He didn't deserve it.

He was about to shove his hands in his pocket, but she took them before he could do so, gently interlacing her fingers with his. He stared at her in utter surprise, whilst feeling the warmth of her soft, fragile, human skin. It was a gesture so spontaneous and so full of affection, it was almost intimate. Completely different from how all the previous hugging and holding hands with her had felt.

"I...," she started as if struggling for words, looking him straight in the eyes, "I.. I really don't say this often, but I'm so sorry. Honestly, I don't know what else to say, but..."

"It's fine," he said and freed his hands so that he could hug her. She returned it and he whispered into her ear, "I know." In a way she was as lonely here in this universe as he was. After a moment they let go of each other and walked on in silence. There was no need for any more words.

Yes, it had brought back all the pain, but he had to admit that it really was good to talk about it, to share it, and not to be left all alone with it. At least it would be like that hadn't it all been his fault. Now that good feeling was spoiled by his lies. It almost felt as if he had betrayed her by not telling her the full truth. She wouldn't understand it. How could she? How could anyone?


Mira

She walked at his side in silence for some time. So, it had been as she had expected it. What she hadn't been aware of was how it must have felt to be part of a telepathic species. Feeling the others all the time, as he'd just claimed. And now it was all gone. It must be horrible. She could hardly imagine it, and she felt so sorry for him that her heart was aching.

She had to think about her old friend Gucky. Not that he had been linked to his people like that, but his homeworld also had been destroyed, leaving him all alone. He had found a new home on Earth, and basically he was at terms with that, but sometimes he still felt the loneliness of being the last of his kind. Well, not entirely the last one, there had been a handful others who had survived, but they were dead now. He was one of the immortals. Not because he was the last one, but because of his incredible psychic powers.

So, now he had told her, and it clearly hadn't been easy for him. Meaning that it was her turn now? Not that he had asked again, and she wouldn't talk just to get even, but she had a feeling that he deserved it. Saying nothing right now would have been the perfect way out of all this mess she had gotten herself into, though. Somehow she knew he would take it rather seriously if she didn't return his trust now. Most likely he wouldn't get angry. Worse, it would hurt him. But did she trust him? She looked at him from the side. She couldn't tell. It was as she had said to him earlier. Trust was something she didn't really need. It had been hard enough for her to learn that she actually had to talk about her feelings, because the others around her weren't empathic. There had been a time when she hadn't been aware of that. When she hadn't known that it was her who was different. She just had assumed that the others knew as she did, but didn't really care about it.

Oh hell...

She couldn't even say what it was about him that made her throw all of her intentions out of the window. Again.

"I weren't with my father at this time," she started. "I didn't even know him then. I mean, in person. So no, nothing happened to me in 1971. Things started to... happen almost a year later."

He just looked at her, obviously waiting for her to continue.

"Missing years, you remember? Some of them were from 1972 on. Four-hundred and fourteen years, exactly. From one moment to the next I ended up in the central control room of one of our battleships, surrounded by two of the people who had landed on the moon not only a year ago and some aliens. And a nice view into deep space on the main screen. It was the STARDUST VI. Not that it really matters." She hit again at a gnat and crossed her arms. "Funny thing is, now four-hundred years don't seem that long. But back then... It was an eternity. Like another universe. I mean, I was always a bit into all those things, like time travel, aliens... Even before there was prove that we aren't the only ones in the universe. But suddenly being four-hundred years in my own future, with everybody I've ever known dead for centuries... My parents, my brother, my friends..."

"You had your father," he said and laid his arm around her shoulder. Right then she realised she was shivering despite the warm temperatures. It still were around twenty-five degrees Celsius, plus the concrete they were walking on was still radiating the heat of the day.

"Yeah. But I didn't know for about half a year that he was my father. Then, when I found out, well... Things didn't go that well."

"I thought you like him?"

"I do, now. But he has a talent of messing things up when it comes to his offspring. He didn't know anything about me, not how I grew up, who my parents were, nothing. At least he remembered the one-night-stand with my mother. Didn't really surprise me, she had always been a bit off to the side in her marriage. But I would have never guessed that. Anyway, he didn't dare tell me for quite a while. Basically he thought I wasn't able to deal with it at that time. Thought there had been enough for me to handle already. But mostly he was just afraid how I would react, that I might turn against him. He was old back then, and had dealt with so many things, but he was still only human. I found out, and things got worse. He was the Head of the Solar Empire, I was.. well, a hippie, an idealistic pacifist, despising politics, military and everything remotely connected with it."

"Quite a few things to deal with, hm?" he said and gently brushed with his hand over her upper arm. She gave him a questioning look. "Mosquito," he said. "But things worked out, didn't they? How old were you back then? Eighteen? How did you deal with it?"

"Not at all. I somehow got through it, but I've never dealt with it, I'm afraid. I hoped for quite a while that there would be some way back. I mean, I made it into the future, why wouldn't it possible to go back? Even if it would have only been for a short while. To say goodbye to everyone. Tell them not to worry. For them it must have seemed as if I had fallen off the planet. I don't know what was worse, missing them and knowing that they were dead for four hundred years, or the knowledge how much pain I must have caused them. Anyway. I was a mess back then. Nothing mattered any more, not what I had done so far, not the people around me, not what the future might bring, not even my own life. I had lost all trust in everything. Why even try to get my life back together when everything could change the next moment? It happened once, and I had no trust it wouldn't happen again. Everything seemed pointless. Everything had become... irrelevant. Somehow I got through it, but ...Anyway, I have no intention to bring it all back again. That's why I avoid talking about it, why I didn't want to return here, and certainly not now of all times, now that..." Everything is repeating itself, she added silently.

She bit her lip. She had been so young back then. No comparison to who she was now. He pulled her closer to him, stroking over her upper arm. This time there were no gnats. She let it happen, even leaned her head against his shoulder. Right now she felt she was free falling, and she really needed someone to hang on to.

"How did that happen anyway? Another accident?"

"No. Have I ever mentioned It?"

"Mentioned what?" he asked, a bit puzzled. "You have to be a bit more precise than that."

"It. That's what he calls himself. Or, itself. It's not a him, not really. I don't know if something like this exists in your universe, but in mine it's the next step in evolution for some species. It basically is the mental essence of a whole species. They'd given up their physical existence. It appears to be an old man, at least to others. I never understood it, to me It looks... weird. Like its face is changing constantly, somehow blurry. Don't know, it's hard to describe."

"There's nothing like that in this universe," he said after thinking for a moment.

"Well, that's good I guess. I really hold a grudge against him, sort of." That wasn't entirely true. Basically, she knew that It was a friend of humanity, even though they were basically its minions. But that was just how things were in her world. Doesn't change that its sense of humour just wasn't to her taste.

"But I have told you about these Entities where these things come from?" she said and tugged at the egg-shaped pendant.

"Yeah."

"There are exactly three of them which are calibrated. Mine, my father's and Atlan's. It had happened billions of years before we were even born. It was the task of It to finally find us. And it did. Obviously, It can also travel in time. One day he walked up to me, it was the 23th of March in 1972, took me by the hand, mumbled something about finally finding me, and well. The rest I've just told you."

"But why? Would have been easier to just get you to your father in that year, not four centuries in the future?"

"Yeah, don't ask me. It later told me something about timelines, and that this was the only way, blah blah blah. Well, I told it where it can shove its timelines. In detail. Several times, actually."

"You did what?"

"Told him what I thought about all this. In a very colourful way. To put it where the sun doesn't shine. It thought it was hilarious. I was almost afraid that it would laugh itself to death."

"So, how are these Entities and this... It connected then? And what do they want with you?"

"Oh, that's a long story. A lot of wibbly wobbly universe stuff."

"Really? Only wibbly wobbly stuff? No timey-wimey?" he grinned at her.

"A bit of that as well. Seriously, it is a long story. Maybe some other time, if you're interested."

Meanwhile they had reached the rocket. They were trying to stay in the dark, keeping away from any surveillance cameras.

"Could be a long night," she said, as she looked at the rocket. It was really huge. Not to mention the launch pad and the launch tower.


Booklover0608: Thank you for giving it a try and I´m glad you seem to like it. Liebe Grüße aus dem Norden :-)

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