~revised~

Chapter XXIX

Mira

As soon as they had reached the control room, the Doctor went at Zach.

"The ground gave way. My TARDIS must've fallen down right into the heart of the planet. But you've got robot drills heading the same way," he said with urgency.

"We can't divert the drilling," Zach answered, sounding rather final.

"But I NEED my ship. It's all I've got. Literally the only thing," the Doctor said, and she could hear the desperation in his voice. Despite his former outburst – she wasn't quite sure what do make out of that yet – it make her heart cramp.

Zach shot him a slightly irritated look. "Doctor, We've only got the resources to drill one central shaft down to the power source, and that's it. No diversions, no distractions - no exceptions. Your machine is lost. All I can do is offer you a lift if we ever get to leave this place, and that... is the end of it." Then he left. The Doctor stared after him, his whole posture an expression of helplessness.

"I'll uh - put you on the duty roster. We need someone in the laundry," Ida said to him before leaving the room as well.

Well, keep them busy. A thing she would have done herself in Ida's stead. But laundry? Really? She would certainly not do laundry but rather keep in check with Scooti to learn more about this base.

Now the tree of them were alone in the control room. She looked at the Doctor from the side. Had he frightened her earlier on? His outburst had been frightening, but she had been in too many situations like that to feel scared by it. Of course, she had felt the rush of adrenalin in her veins as he had grabbed her, but that had been only a basic fight-or-flight reaction. No, she hadn't been as frightened as she would have been at a younger age. Somehow his behaviour was even understandable. It had been the loss of his ship that had send him over the edge, and well, she had happened to be in the line of fire. At least that was what she was trying to convince herself of. But she couldn't be too sure in this case. Had he really just acted out of the moment? Or had he spoken out what he was thinking all along? And even though she had tried to not let it get to her, it had hit her. She had thought they had gone beyond the whole 'Who are you'-thing by now. But obviously she had been wrong. At least he hadn't accepted her offer to see for himself if he could trust her. Well, she would have allowed it, if only to end this silly fight. But that would have been it. Had he taken her offer, there would have been no way back. That would have set their relationship to a purely professional level once and for all. She could never be his friend if he would have proven his distrust in that way. However, she couldn't imagine what had made him back off in the end. Maybe he had realised what was going on or there had been a hint of clear thinking left in him.

So, next thing was to get the TARDIS back. She obviously was still on this planet somewhere. Not drifting through space and not being pulled into the black hole. So it might be difficult, especially without the drill, but not impossible.

"I've trapped you here," she heard the Doctor say, pulling her out of her thoughts. Although he might have meant them both, he had turned his head to Rose. Well, that was fine with her, right now she felt incapable of talking to him without making everything even worse. At least as long as it went beyond the absolute necessary. She wasn't argumentative for the sake of it, but certainly didn't hold her tongue for the sake of peace either. He might not have frightened her, but he had clearly made her mad. How could he think that of her? She had to admit that she was rather hurt by it.

"No. Don't worry about me," Rose said, but she could hear in her voice that she was lying.

Right now, the base started to shake again, making the structure creak. Mira looked up through the still open window at the black hole. It wasn't the first time she was close to something like that. The last time she had been that close to a black hole they had been flying right through it. With the help of a species who were capable of understanding the higher mathematics needed for plotting a course through it. It had been a gate, or rather a tunnel, to a 'pocket' universe embedded within their own. But things were different now. Somehow she had the feeling that this particular black hole didn't lead anywhere.

"Okay, we're on a planet that shouldn't exist, under a black hole... and no way out," Rose continued, "Yeah, I've changed my mind. Start worrying about me."

The last thing she saw as she was leaving the room was the Doctor hugging Rose. Well, Rose definitely needed it now, and she herself would examine the base and stay away from the Doctor until both of them had calmed down a bit.

The rest of the day she spent mostly with Scooti, lending her a hand with the repairs that seemed to never end on a base that size. They were talking a lot, about the base, the technology here, and the research they had done. Scooti was a fascinating young woman, and, although around Rose's age, completely different. Much more mature and much less bitchy. Scooti had a sparkling personality, an urge to travel to the stars, to go beyond the beaten tracks.

She even had a talk with Danny about the Ood. Danny, although a really nice guy, had a strange opinion on them, one she couldn't share. He told her they were born to serve. Bullshit. Bred to serve maybe, but no matter how much she was discussing it with him, he didn't seem to get her point. Well, she could tell that he had the same feeling when it came to her arguments.

At least she had succeeded in avoiding the Doctor. Even when she and Scooti went to the canteen to eat something she didn't meet him. But, despite all the distraction, her feelings about their fight didn't get better or faded. On the contrary, it had gotten even worse. By now she felt even more hurt. Maybe he had accused her like that only because he had been in shock about what had happened. But that didn't change that he most likely had meant it. It was almost driving her mad that she didn't know what his feelings had been. Once more she came to realise how it must be for normal people and why they were acting so incomprehensibly long-winded and irrational in situations like that. Well, she knew, of course, that without sensing the emotions of one another things naturally were difficult and long-winded, but now she was fully getting it.

Above all, it was hurting her pride that she had been so wrong about him. She really didn't have any instincts when it came to others as soon as she couldn't rely on her empathy. She really hadn't thought he would be able to throw things like that at her. Not after what they had told each other back in the sixties, not after the hours in the observatory. He might not believe her when it came to her being able to see the future, but him insinuating that she would deliberately keep things from him was something she had not even considered. Besides, she had tried to warn him.


Doctor

He spent the rest of the day with Rose. They had been assigned an unoccupied room with three bunk beds. The crew at the base really seemed to assume that they would stay. Whilst they were walking through the station, he was trying to talk to the Ood – who were indeed some sort of telepaths, how could he have missed that? - and was talking to Rose about banalities, but all he could think about was the fight he had had with Mira. And the TARIDS.

Looking back he had no idea what had gotten into him. Well, to be honest, he did know. It had been the loss of his ship, his home, his oldest and closest companion, that had made him lose control. And yes, even though he hated to admit it, he had meant what he had said to her. At least at that moment. Didn't justify the way he had said it, nor grabbing her arm. The further the day went, the worse he was feeling about all this. True, he couldn't explain her abilities. True, he didn't know if she had been aware of what was happening or not. But a feeling in his guts told him that she hadn't been, at least not of what had happened to the TARDIS. She would have told him, and besides, she really had tried to warn him, said that they should leave. Multiple times. It was all his fault because he hadn't listened.

And even if she wasn't who she seemed to be, it was non of his business. Either she would tell him when she saw fit, or she herself had no idea about what was going on. Or he was just wrong. Maybe there really wasn't more to her than she had already told him. Nice conclusion, he thought, but probably a bit late.

No matter how he looked at it, he had been a complete idiot. A choleric, angry idiot. And then there was the offer she had made, which clearly had been a two edged sword. At least he had still been clear enough in his head to not take her up on it. Most likely it had been a last, desperate act from her side to prove her point. To be honest, that had been the moment when he had started to regret what he had said. And even before that, the way she had remained calm instead of yelling back, had slowly taken the wind out of his sails. He had to fix it somehow, although he didn't know if it wasn't too late for that. And now it seemed as if she was avoiding him. And he couldn't blame her for that.

Later in the evening, as Rose had gone to bed, he was sitting all alone in the canteen, quarrelling about all the mess, as Mira came in. She was about to turn around as she saw him, making him flinch. He had hoped that maybe she wouldn't take it that hard. But well, that would have been too easy.

"Mira, wait. Please!"

After a moment of hesitation she turned around and sat down opposite to him. She looked at him, and although she tried to keep a neutral expression in her face, he could see in her eyes how much he had hurt her.

"Mira, I'm so, so sorry. I... I shouldn't have said that. And I surely shouldn't have grabbed you like that. If only I could take it back, I would, but... I can't. Honestly, I'm so sorry." There was not much more he could do but to apologise to her and to hope she would accept it.

She remained silent for a moment as if thinking about it, then said quietly, "Actually, I think it's quite good that you said it. You know what, I can totally take it when someone is stressed, upset or whatever, and takes it out on me. Yells at me, even insults me. Up to a certain degree, that's fine. I can understand that, and yes, even I do that from time to time. But that wasn't just yelling at me out of the moment. You really believe what you said, don't you? That's what you think of me, isn't it?"

Oh well, she had put it quite straight and shattered all his hope that there might be an easy way out for him. He closed his eyes for a moment and shoved a hand through his hair as he fully realised what he might have done. He really would like to fix it somehow, but right now he doubted if that would be possible. He knew by now how much she valued honesty. And she had been honest to him, as much as she could. She had warned him, she had told him about her dreams, and he hadn't believed her.

"Look, I...," he started, but she interrupted him.

"Do you really believe I would deceive you at the first opportunity? That I knew what would happen to her and just let it happen? After I've seen you mourning her in the other universe? After all I've said since we know each other? After all this time, you still think I would do something like that? After all your talk of trust and whatnot? Did you lie to me all the time? What was this all about? Were you just testing me?"

"What?" he now was genuinely shocked. But as he thought about it, he saw that that was probably the only conclusion she could draw from this. Unintentionally, he had really hit her hard. But she was wrong, at least in parts. He hadn't thought like that all the time. And surely he wasn't testing her. Maybe that was why he had acted like that. He had trusted her so far, and then this had happened, and he had lost it. Out of his anger and shock he had messed it up has bad as he could. His gaze wandered up, to the black hole above their heads, but he forced his eyes back on her. Now he could see the pain written all over her face. Pain that was there because of him.

"I...," before he knew what he was doing he tried to take her hands which were resting on the table, but she pulled them away. He took his own hands off the table again. "No, I wasn't thinking that all the time. You have to believe me. I... I weren't thinking that, and probably that's why I've gotten that angry. I did trust you. I still do. And then that, and the TARDIS, and that... that I didn't listen to you. You tried to warn me, but... I was so, so stupid. And that I didn't believe you in the first place as you told me about your dreams. And now here we are, with this black hole. I... I just didn't know what to think anymore. So I accused you of things that were completely unfounded, but now that I've thought about it, I see that..."

"Now that you've thought about it? Well, at last. Doesn't change the fact that you assumed it in the first place. When did you start to think about it? As I offered that you could look into my mind?"

He winced at her words. He hadn't thought that this would be easy. Not with her. He had already noticed that after the space-ship with the clockwork droids. It wasn't even that she was twisting his words, but she had a habit of listening to every single one of them and inquiring until she had nailed him down, forcing him to think about the things that had happened in ways he would never have on his own.

"Well, I... Why did you offer that at all?" Most likely not out of trust, he thought. Truly, it could be the ultimate way of proving your trust in someone, to show yourself to him like that, but in this case it would have been the complete opposite.

"Why? Because I wanted to end this stupid fight. That would have been the fastest way to prove that I'm not deceiving you. Wouldn't have been the first time I allowed someone to do that. But I did it mostly out of necessity, surely not out of trust. But why didn't you take this offer if you were so convinced that I was lying?"

"Because... Because I trust you. I know that now, and I knew it before. I just wasn't thinking at that moment."

"Not maybe because to merely offer something like that would be as good as seeing it for yourself? I guess we both know that I couldn't keep anything from you if you're really aiming for it. So my offer alone proved enough for you."

He took a deep breath and looked at her. That clearly was one way of seeing it. And he also believed that she had enough experience with telepathy to really be aware of his abilities.

Maybe there was a way to at least not make it any worse, if not to fix it. He certainly had a habit of lying, or well, bending the truth, but now he decided to go for complete honesty for once.

"Mira, I can only repeat myself: I am really sorry. I can't undo what I've said, but only ask you to forgive me. I really have thought about it. I still think that there is more to you being able to see the future, maybe even more than you yourself know. But whatever is the case, I will trust you with it. Maybe there is still something you don't tell me, and maybe you have good reasons for doing so, or maybe there isn't anything at all. No matter what, it was wrong to use it against you as I did."


Mira

She was thinking about what he had just said. From a strictly rational point of view she could understand him now. What was going on in his head, why he had acted like that. Well, if he was telling the truth. Right now there was no way for her to tell. And that was the other, more subjective and emotional point of view. Suddenly she realised how dysfunctional she was with her empathy not working. She actually had been in situations were her empathy didn't work on people before. Back in her universe, there was a whole species who could disable any psychic ability, but the contact with them had been on a different level. Not that personal, and surely it hadn't been about trust. On the rare occasions she had met someone like that, it had always been safe to resort to distrust.

She really had been willing to try to trust him, she recognised, although she couldn't say why. Even without knowing what he was feeling. Despite the fact that she had always doubted that she would ever learn how to trust someone without knowing if they were lying to her face or not. Empathy had always seemed to her like cheating, but on the other hand, she couldn't just switch it off. Not as she could close her eyes or cover her ears. Plus, she had always been in for honesty, at least with people she cared about and let close to her. There was probably only one other thing that could be used to hurt her like he had just done. Making decisions for her over her head, as her father had done it in the beginning. He had not only kept things from her, but was also thinking that he could decide what's better for her. It had taken them quite a while to work it out back then. In the end they had come to know and understand each other and over time a deep understanding and trust had grown between them. Well, it wasn't that bad right now, with the Doctor only speaking out what he probably had been thinking all the time, that he basically didn't trust her. He had just made her aware of the fact that she had put her trust too lightly into someone. And that it wasn't that wrong to resort to distrust whenever she didn't know for sure.

"Mira, please, say something," she heard him say. She must have observed him for quite while now without speaking. What could she say? She wanted to believe him, she really did. And yet she felt she couldn't. Not that easily at least. Hell, there was one way she could be sure, they both could be sure what was going on in the other's head. She instantly discarded that thought, as quick as it had come. Other humans couldn't do that either, so she had to trust for once in her instincts. But, as a matter of fact, she wasn't like other humans, and surely neither was he. His people had been telepaths, and probably he was relying on this extra sense as much as she did. Maybe he was just as insecure and blind in this matter as she was feeling right now. She had actually not thought about it like that until now. Suddenly she remembered what Sarah Jane had told her about the Doctor. How she had believed in him, even after he had left her behind. Well, she didn't expect him to be perfect and without flaws, and he had inspired such loyalty in at least some of his companions, maybe he really deserved another chance. If she could only get over herself...

"I... I see your point," she finally said cautiously. "And I think I can understand it."

Only if you're telling the truth right now, a nasty voice echoed through her head. She glanced at him. He really looked miserable and seemed to deeply and honestly regret it, at least as far as she could tell.

"But I'm not sure if I can forgive you. I'm not even sure if it's about forgiveness or trust right now. I will try it, but I can't promise you anything. Maybe I can forgive at some point. But forget? I don't know. Just one thing: Don't ever do that again."


Doctor

That was probably as much as he could ask for. At least she seemed to consider forgiving him. The more they were talking about it, the more surreal it seemed to him. What had he been thinking? Not much, that was obvious. But the sorrow for the TARDIS had driven him mad. It was still driving him mad, plus the fact that he had trapped them all here.

"I promise," he said quietly and looked at her intently. "I've trapped you here," he continued after a moment. "You and Rose. I promised her mother to bring her back."

"Trapped? The TARDIS is not destroyed, is she? I thought she survived the fall?" Mira asked alarmed.

"Oh she did. But you heard it, we can't use the drill. So I guess we have to stay here until they go and give us a ride in their rocket." He still hadn't grasped the implications of it completely. The TARDIS was out of his reach, and although she was still alive, she would die down there without him. He felt totally lost without her.

"So that's it? You're giving up?"

He saw the disbelief in her face. "Have you taken a look? She fell all the way down. There is no way to get to her," he replied.

She was just shaking her head and looking up to the black hole.

"What?" he asked after a moment.

"What? She's still on this planet. She's not destroyed. We even know approximately where she is. And you've already given up?"

"So what do you suggest? Jump down there with a shovel? It really goes far down. You should take a look."

"I did, actually. I went outside with Scooti. You can't even see the ground. She's most likely buried beneath a lot of rocks."

"You went outside? They have space-suits?"

"No. We held our breath," she said dryly and looked at him, one brow raised. "You know one can survive a few seconds in the vacuum of space. Of course they do. Rather primitive ones, unfortunately. No aggregates for flying or something like that. Not even that much oxygen."

"She's really gone, isn't she?" he looked at her, desperately wanting her to say that she had found a way. But at the same time he knew that couldn't be. There was none.

"Nah. As long as she's on this planet, we'll get her back."

"Mira, I really appreciate what you're trying, but we both know that..."

"Oh come on! She's not floating through space somewhere in another galaxy, neither has she been pulled into that black hole. I don't say it'll be easy. And I'm not even saying that Rose will live to see it, but we'll find a way. Actually, it's Rose I'm worrying about the most right now. It might take some time. More than she might have." She looked at him as if thinking about something. "Say, how much time do you have left?"

"What? Well... That's a bit... difficult, actually," he stuttered and scratched his neck.

"Roughly would do. Hundred years? Thousand?"

"Well, I certainly hope the latter."

If we can get her back, he thought. Otherwise... What would he do with the rest of his life? Without his ship, being forced to stay in this time, trapped on the 'slow path' as Reinette had put it.

"Oh, really? Well, as said, it might take some time. But we're far from running out of options. We can wait until they finished the drilling. Maybe we can use it then. Or they find something down there. Or they take us back with them, and we'll return with some decent equipment. It might take us ten, fifty or hundred years, but as long as this planet is still there, we'll make it." She looked at him with so much determination that he couldn't do anything else but to believe her. It was a determination he had hardly ever seen in the face and the eyes of a human, and suddenly he could very well imagine why these Entities she was talking about earlier had chosen her. He was certain that she could do incredible things – but it could also be horribly devastating if she used that determination for the wrong causes. Unfortunately, most of the times one could only see afterwards if the causes had been good or bad. If one could see it at all.

"Hundred years? That's what I call planning ahead," he said and tried a smile.

"Depends," she said quietly. "My perspective's just a bit shifted. You know, we've... misplaced Earth once. Took us over forty years to find the way back to our galaxy. And then another four or five until Earth was back in the Solar System."

"You've misplaced your own homeworld?"

"Yeah. Long story. We had to protect it. And it was a good plan, sending it through a gigantic transmitter. But something interfered with it and it came out somewhere else. Imagine our faces when we didn't find it where we thought it was. With all the people still on it and everything. Anyway. I'm in for long term plans, that's what I wanted to say. As long as this planet exists, we'll get her back. I promise."

The look in her eyes reminded him of the moment when he had told her about his people, when she had taken his hands, making him feel even more miserable about their fight, if that was possible at all. And there was that same strength in it he had felt as their minds had touched for that short moment, as Mickey had interrupted them so suddenly. "You really would do that? I mean, help me like that? Even if it would take that long? After what I've done to you?"

"Well, not that I've got anything else to do," she smirked and then got serious again. "Besides, I've talked to Sarah, you know? She really trusts you. She spoke quite highly of you."

Oh well. He had actually overheard this conversation. Completely unintended, of course.

"I've been a different man when I was travelling with her," he said quietly. "It's been a long time ago."

"Maybe that's so. But despite how much we change over time, I believe there's always a part that remains. True, time shapes people, changes them, but whatever they leave behind will catch up with them one day, most likely when they're not expecting it at all. May it be good or bad." She looked up to the black hole once more. "Maybe we should close the roof. It may not drive me mad, but it makes me all sentimental." She frowned. "Anyway. Yes, I'll help you. Besides, we can't just leave her behind."

A moment ago he had felt completely desperate, and now she had somehow managed to give him a little hope. It was completely new to him. Normally it was always him giving his companions hope. He couldn't help but think that he really didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve her, even more so after what he had said to her. He would made up for it, somehow. He just had to.


Strotti, d0ct0rwh0l0ckf4n, Wicken25, bored411, Ingridie, AxidentlGoddess, Lucifae and 10th Squad 3rd Seat: Thanks for your reviews :-)

And again, thanks to everyone who´s followed, liked and read it so far :D