Chapter LV

Mira's POV

They walked back to the TARDIS in silence. She didn't mind that - the only thing she wanted to do now was lying in the dark, without hearing anything and, most of all, without having to talk to anyone. The throbbing pain in her head was even worse now, leaving her feeling sick to her stomach. The Doctor was right, she really needed to get some sleep; at least for a few hours. At the same time she knew she wouldn't find the peace of mind she needed for being able to sleep – too much had happened over the last hours. The confrontation with Davros, her non-plan to destroy Skaro, her feelings towards the Doctor – her Doctor as well as his past self, for whom she felt so incredibly sorry and somehow even guilty towards him – all that had brought up too much about her own situation and her past, things she would rather not think about; things she had locked away into a dark and deep corner in her mind. Things that were, besides her efforts to keep them hidden, slowly creeping up on her, lurking in a corner, staring at her back, waiting for her to let her guards down, for a moment of carelessness to finally catch up with her again.

It really felt as if this time had come now. It would catch up with her, even though she never thought she had been running away from anything. Repression wasn't the same thing as running, was it? She had dealt with these things as far as she was able to, but she couldn't turn back time and make them undone.

She shouldn't have talked to Davros, she thought as she followed the Doctor into the TARDIS. At least not in his presence. She just hoped he would leave her in peace, at least for some hours.

She walked past the Doctor as inconspicuously as possible as he hung his coat over one of the columns, hoping that he wouldn't stop her, but it was in vain.

"Mira?" she heard quietly from behind her, and the tone of his voice made quite clear that she wouldn't get away as easy as she was hoping.

Please, just leave me alone.

She really didn't feel in any shape for a confrontation right now.


Doctor's POV

She slowly turned around, and everything about her – from the tired, worn out expression on her face, her sloping shoulders and her stiff movements that made her really seem like a very old woman of sixteen-hundred years, if only for a moment – was making him doubt his decision to talk to her right now. She needed rest more than anything else. But he knew if he let it go now, he would never come back to it.

And there was something else that almost made him stop. He never had any problems confronting people with themselves - as long as he wasn't involved in it. But this time he was. It was not only about her, but about him as well. There was no way she would give away anything or let him get closer without giving away pieces of him and the things he had done. He knew that since the night in 1969 at the launch area. But not even that could stop him now, even though he couldn't say why. Sure, he cared about her, as he did about a lot of people, but something was different with her. Very different. He just couldn't put his finger on it. But- Well, maybe there was an explanation for that, but – no. No way. He liked her, there were things they had in common, a lot of things actually, but that's it.

Right at this moment a feeling of utter annoyance from the TARDIS flooded his mind, together with an image of him being slapped on the back of his head.

Not now!

"What's going on with you?" he asked, instantly knowing that it probably was the most cliché way of opening a conversation like that.

She stared at him for a moment out of huge, grey eyes before finally saying, "Nothing."

Nothing? Great. So much for cliché.

Just the answer he had expected. He crossed his arms and raised his brows. "Nothing? Really? Just... Nothing? As in: I didn't just plan to blow up the whole planet, told Davros something about hating life and-"

"Nothing as in: It's none of your business and I don't want to talk right now because I have a bloody headache," she cut him off. With that said, she turned around and walked to the stairs that led out of the console room.

"So that's it then?" he said as he watched her walking away, knowing that he hadn't managed to not show the anger in his voice. It made him fully realise just how loaded the whole situation was. "You'll just walk away, bottle it up and go on pretending everything's alright?"

She stopped, and after a moment of just standing there she turned around again. "I don't pretend anything. I just don't see any need for talking, that's it. Oh and, by the way, I think I'm not the only one in here when it comes to pretending and bottling up things." She had her arms crossed now as well and stared at him with a mixture of beginning rage, tiredness and pain in her eyes. Her head must really be aching badly from being shot by the Movellans, which made him regret that he had started this conversation now. But at the same time he was absolutely fed up and angered with watching her silently wallowing in misery.

"I'm not-," he started. Well, yes. He actually had a tendency to bottle up things, but that wasn't the point right now. "It's not about me right now. It's-"

"It's not? Oh, how convenient! Otherwise we had to talk about all the things you didn't tell me!"

"Mira, just let me finish what I-"

"No!" she yelled. "We're done talking. Yes, I wanted to 'blow up' Skaro. And I still stand by my decision. Accept it or don't, I don't care. Oh, and you know what? I would act like that again, at any time." She had been gesticulating angrily with her hands, but now she crossed her arms again. A bit too late, he had already seen how her hands were shaking. No matter how controlled she seemed to be at some times, it always gave away how agitated she really was. "The Daleks and Davros pose a threat to the whole universe, including humanity. As said, like what I was about to do or not. Throw me out for that or don't, I don't care."

He was outright speechless for a moment. Her words could have sounded defiant, but they didn't. Well, at least the part that she would do it again at any time. Saying that she didn't care about him accepting it or not did indeed sound slightly defiant. But in these words he could also hear a bit of fear, as if she was indeed afraid that he would condemn her for that.

"You really would have done it?" he asked, even though he already knew the answer. "Even without knowing the consequences it would have on the timelines? You could have destroyed the whole galaxy." That was not true, he knew it. Time had been in flux back then, and she could have done it without any temporal damage. He could have done it. It was against every single Law of Time, but he could have done it.

Could...

It took her a moment to answer, rubbing her temples and her forehead with her hands. "I don't know," she finally said, her voice hardly more than a sigh. "Maybe. Most likely. And no, I don't think I would have destroyed the galaxy. You said it, everything was in flux. And it was true. I knew it. You'll most likely don't believe me, because I'm only a stupid little human with a tiny little human brain, and humans can't know these things, but still, I knew it."

Not long ago he would have agreed. Humans couldn't know about these things. But too much had happened since then that had proven her right. But he couldn't help himself, he was still slightly sceptical.

"That would have been murder," he finally said. "How could you justify that?"

"Justify? Not at all," she replied, and it was clear to hear that her nerves were quite frayed by now. "And I already told you that. We had this discussion just recently on Skaro, remember? So would you just stop it?"

"Stop what? Worrying about you?" he almost yelled, whilst approaching her until he was standing hardly two feed away. "Stop thinking about what's going on with you? Why you told Davros you and he are quite alike? In what way? Hating live? And how did the Beast put it? Being afraid of life and dead? And what did it mean with 'Destroyer of the stars'? Is that what you mean I'm too late for being concerned for your salvation?"


Mira's POV

She stared at him in utter disbelief. Well, she had seen it coming, in some way, but she had really hoped he wouldn't come back to it. Plus, she had never seen him like that. Yes, he had been enraged before, but he had always seemed to not let things get too close to him, even if he really was engaged in the events. But right now she had the feeling she could see more of him, the real him, than ever before. Well, apart from the short moments their minds had been in contact. Now there was something in his deep dark eyes, soemthing she had got a glimpse of before, something incredibly intense that made him seem more alien as any alien life form she had ever encountered before, despite his overall human appearance.

And he wasn't only enraged. With that she could deal, but he really seemed to worry about her. And that she hated because she just couldn't handle it.

"You can't just let it go, can you?" she finally said, almost yelling. She was really shattered by now and she knew that at some point she would say something really nasty, just to get out of this situation. "The Beast was telling lies, you said it yourself. Bloody lies, that's it. And you know what? I don't have to listen to this. Just leave me alone. It's my problems, not yours. I don't need to talk about anything, and most of all, I don't need help. Not yours, nor anyone else's," she added and quickly turned around before he could see the tears forming in her eyes. She continued her way to the stairs, hoping he wouldn't follow, but she could already hear his steps behind her.

"So, you don't think you need help? You don't need it or you don't want it? Have you looked at yourself lately?" she heard him saying behind her as she walked down the stairs. She went a few steps further into the corridor, then turned around again because he was still following her.

"There is no help," she said whilst rubbing the root of her nose. That was clearly the worst migraine in the last ten years. "That's it. And you now what? As you probably won't stop bothering me otherwise: Surprise, surprise, the Beast was actually right. It's not even a bloody secret. You can read in every fucking history book what I had a hand in. It's a fact. And all talking in the universe won't change it. Just as with me being-"

Stuck here.

She couldn't bring herself to say it. "There's no way- Well, that's that. Talking won't change that either." She looked at him, trying to fight back the tears as well as the sudden feeling of nausea. "So can we now go back to pretending that the Beast was lying?"

She turned around again quickly, hoping that he wouldn't go further into that topic. Not now. Apart from that, she still couldn't imagine why the Beast had called him the killer of his own kind. What did it mean by that? Well, the sentence was pretty clear, but how? Or had this actually been a lie? She hoped so, she really did. There was now way he could be responsible for the destruction of his homeworld she thought as she continued to walk to her room, with him still following her.

"So that's the only help you can think of? Making things undone? Not maybe something like: Helping you to handle whatever has happened?" she heard him behind her.

She now tried to ignore him. Why would she rely on other people when it came to handling her problems? They would all leave her – die - sooner or later, and she would be left on her own. So no point in letting them close to her. Now she had even lost the few people she had thought she would never lose; even though she knew they could die, and it was more than likely with the live they were leading, that something would happen to them sooner or later. And she had always thought she would never survive losing them.

Suddenly, everything seemed to overwhelm her, readying to jump out of the dark corner where it was lurking, ready to sink sharp teeth into her neck.

I need sleep. Just silence for some hours until the headache is gone and then pull myself together again.

Finally, she reached the door to her room, with the Doctor still at her heels.

"Listen," she said and faced him again whilst leaning against the door frame, "I really appreciate what you're trying to do, but-"

Suddenly, she felt her stomach churn. For real this time, and without another word she tore open the door to her room, then the door to her bathroom, slamming shut and locking the latter before she reached the toilet, just in time.

She hadn't eaten anything lately, but her stomach didn't seem to be overly impressed by that when she was gagging and coughing and sobbing with her head over the toilet. Unfortunately it didn't make her feel any less sick, neither was it doing anything for her head. Finally, when she was at least not feeling like throwing up any more, she slowly got up – even though she considered for a moment to just stay right here, on the cold bathroom floor, because it would save her a lot of way for the next couple of hours – flushed and walked over to the wash-basin to rinse her mouth and wash her face. Just now she heard him knocking at the door. "You're alright? Do you need any help?"

"Just go," she said, still sobbing.

But instead of doing so, he now tried the handle.

"It's looked," she said, tried to avoid looking in the mirror, walked to the door and opened it after unlocking it. If there was anything to make the whole situation even more pathetic than it would be to lock herself into the bathroom.


Doctor's POV

He hated it when he was contemned to do nothing. Sure, he could have unlocked the door, but he didn't dare. She has locked it for a reason; she obviously didn't want him in there now. And he probably should respect that, as long as she didn't pass out or anything like that. Humans...

It was all his fault. He shouldn't have started this fight, for he had known that she wasn't feeling well. Just as he tried the handle again the door opened, and for a moment he caught a look at her face as she pushed past him. She was white as a sheet and her eyes were reddened. Without saying a word she sat down on the edge of her bed, her head resting heavy in her hands. He crouched in front of her, but she didn't look up.

"Do you want to lie down?" he asked quietly, but she just started to slightly shake her head, only to stop again almost immediately.

"Do you need anything? I can go to the sickbay and see-"

This time she didn't shook her head, but interrupted him, "No. I just want to be alone."

"Sure? I certainly have something for your headache somewhere. Seems humans get migraines in every universe-"

"No, really, I don't think it-"

She didn't finish the sentence, but jumped up the next moment and, as he was following her, slammed the bathroom door in his face again.

So he could only stand here and wait - again. He felt completely helpless as he leaned with his forehead against the closed door, hearing her being sick again. Of course she had managed to lock the door again, and somehow that didn't really surprise him.

After a while he knocked again. He had heard water running, but then there was only silence, apart from her sobbing.

"What's going on? You're coming out?"

"No," he heard her faint voice from inside the bathroom.

"Then open the door, please."

"No, just go. I'll stay in here."

"What?"

"Go away!"

With a sigh he produced his sonic screwdriver and unlocked the door, being fully aware that she would probably hate him for that. But he just couldn't leave her in there all alone. He found her sitting in one of the corners, eyes closed, her forehead leaning against the cold tiles of the wall.

"What are you doing?" he said as he was kneeling next to her. "You're freezing."

"Just go. I stay in here. I'll be fine, really...," she mumbled without opening her eyes, sounding not really convincing.

He only shook his head, not caring about if she could see it or not. She wouldn't stay in here on the cold floor, freezing like that. Without another word he got back on his feed and picked her up.

"Hey, stop it...," she said as she instinctively put her arms around his neck.

Ignoring her weak protest he carried her back into her room and put her carefully on the bed. He sat down next to her after he had covered her with the blanket and said, "What were you about to say before you ran to the bathroom?"

"Hm?"

For a moment he simply looked at her. He didn't believe she was feeling so bad only because she had been stunned by the Movellans. Probably it was all coming together now, the lack of sleep, not eating and the mental stress, or maybe she just had these migraine headaches from time to time.

"Why don't you want me to look for something for your headache?" he said and gently brushed away a strand of hair that had fallen over her face. For a moment his hand came to rest on the side of her head, just long enough to get a grasp of her condition. He had always been able to tell that from touching people like that, it had been consistent throughout all his regenerations.

"It'd be no use," she said and shortly blinked at him, only to immediately close her eyes again. "Don't," she said as he pulled back his hand, "It's so wonderfully cold..."

"Why would it be no use?" he wanted to know, gently stroking her forehead with his hand.

Instead of answering she just pulled her little, egg-shaped pendant out underneath her dress.

He looked at it for a moment in confusion, until he remembered.

"Remember what I said about neutralising toxins and poisons?" she started to explain as he remained silent and he could hear how exhausting it was for her to speak. "Unfortunately, it's not really selective."

"So medicine is not working on you any more?"

"At least some... Don't ask me why not everything. At least none we have for headaches is working. Seems there's always a catch...," she whispered and turned around slightly with her back to the wall, coiling herself up.

"But I can see if I find something that-"

"Please, just leave me alone," she said and covered her face with her hands, obviously not capable of dealing with anything right now. "It'll be fine in a few hours, really."

He didn't answer, but neither did he leave. He just looked down at her, still gently stroking over her hair. She was breathing heavily and he could see the strain in her face. There must be something he could do for her. Sure, he could always carry her to the sickbay, but he doubted she would like that. And it wasn't that her live was in danger, not even remotely. He just couldn't stand to see her suffering like that.

"So you think you can sleep?" he eventually said, as quietly as possible, after some minutes.

She blinked and then watched him with eyes half open, as if being surprised that he was still here. "No. Just lying here is fine, really...," she said and closed her eyes again.

He shook is head. That couldn't go on like this.

"Mira... Do you trust me?"

Maybe there was a way to help her, at least so that she could sleep for a few hours.

She looked at him shortly before closing her eyes again and said with a whiny voice, "Oh please, just not now..."

"Mira, please. I only want to help you."

"Dammit. Do whatever you want, but please, stop bothering me," she whispered.

"Okay."

Her eyes shot open once more, obviously being alarmed by his casual tone, just as he was reaching with his hand for her temple.

"What the hell?" she said, shoved his hand away and then winced in pain because of the sudden movement.

"You said I could do what I want as long as I-"

"I didn't."

"You did. Mira, please. I only want to help you. You need to sleep. Please, trust me. Just this once."

She looked at him, and he could see how it was working behind her eyes.

"Just go. I don't want anyone to mess with my head now," she finally said, sounding everything but convinced by her own words.

"I'm not messing with your head," he said, slightly indignantly. He would never do that, to no one. "I only want to help you to get some rest. I promise, I won't do anything else."

For a moment they just looked at each other as he was waiting for an answer. As she remained silent, he reached out for her temple again, and this time she didn't try to shove his hand away. She slightly winced as he touched her, and as he reached out for her mind he could feel a hint of fear, but her despair and and pain were much stronger. Feelings that were reflecting in her eyes that were still locked with his.

Don't be afraid, he sent her in an attempt to calm her down, this time remembering very well that she was human and that he had to keep his powers down, even more so right now. Then he closed his eyes as he tried to push all her feelings of pain, confusion and anxiety into the background, projecting images of tranquillity and sleep into her mind. It wasn't as easy this time as it had been with Chloe, but after a few moments he could feel how she was relaxing and finally drifting off to sleep.


NeoMulder, 10th Squad 3rd Seat, theladyofthelost, bored411: Thanks for reviewing :-)

darklarko: Thank you :-) I've actually thought about something like this, let's see how (and if) it'll fit in at some place ;-)