Going Through the Motions — Stupid


He staggered through the empty corridor. Nearly colliding into the wall when he almost tripped. "Shit!" He cursed and winced. His voice was too loud, and his legs would not obey him. They seemed to have other plans tonight than to stay underneath him where they were helpful. He never knew walking could be such trouble. He laughed silently at that. God, he was just so stupid. It was his fault, after all. Why had he done this to himself? And this was not even the first time it had happened. Shinichi shook his head and winced once more when the world appeared to sway a bit. He had to lean against the wall in order not to lose his footing. Damn.

Then, he gave up on trying to make his way any further into the house. The hallway or his own damn room; what difference did it make, eh? He slid down till he was sitting on the dusty carpet, his back against the cold plaster, and he closed his eyes.

The darkness and silence; it was a relief.

He breathed in and out slowly. Concentrating on the steady rhythm of his heart, trying to shut out the uncomfortable throbbing of his head.

He was drunk.

He nearly laughed again. But if he did that, he would throw up. And perhaps that would make him feel better. Or maybe not. He didn't really care.

And it was stupid. Really.

He knew that getting wasted would not let him return to his old body. He knew, okay. And yet—

This time, there was no Haibara to drag him to the safe space that was his bed. There was no one to bring him water. Not that he wanted them to. That's why he had come here, hadn't he?

He sighed. Bringing up a hand to his forehead, gripping his hair.

It was just all so stupid.

'Just look at yourself in this pitiful state. It's pathetic. Really.'

And he knew, okay. He knew. But—

No. There was no logical reason for this. There was no excuse.

It was just merely his own shameful weakness.

'How pitiful.'

To his horror, he felt the sudden sting of tears.

God, he was so drunk. He just wanted to sleep.