Diet Soda Society
"Oblivion is where I'm headed"
Nawaki's is dead, the thought reeled around in my head. He's dead and he's not coming back.
After three years of mending myself from the wounds my past life had left behind, I suddenly felt broken again. I had spent so much time rebuilding everything from scratch, forming new bonds, learning to love new people, and in the blink of an eye, one of them was just gone. In a lot of ways this sort of loss was new to me. I was familiar with the harrowing grief, but this was the first time I had to deal with the real after effects of it. I'd never had to restructure my existing life around someone's absence.
I felt like things weren't ever going to be the same again, like a chunk of my happiness had been lost into the abyss, gone forever. I had tried so hard to convince myself this wasn't going to happen. But really, what had I done to stop it? Nothing. I had done nothing at all.
That was almost worse than the grief. I felt horribly guilty. Part of me couldn't help wondering if Nawaki would've been alive if I had just talked to someone. Maybe if Hiruzen had known, he would've reassigned Nawaki to a different squadron. Maybe if Tsunade had known she wouldn't have given him that necklace. Maybe if Nawaki himself had been told, he would've been able to avoid whatever had gotten him. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
Of course, telling anyone anything was now completely out of the question. Then everyone would know that I let Nawaki die, and that thought was unacceptable. As awful as I felt, I think it might've completely destroyed me to have to bear all of their blame. I couldn't imagine a world where Tsunade wouldn't hate me for allowing Nawaki to march to his death.
I didn't want her to hate me.
You should've seen her when the news came back to the village. I wasn't there when Orochimaru and Jiraiya had told her, but I saw her at the funeral two days later. If grief had ever been personified as a human being, it would've been Tsunade on that day. It was like someone had poked a hole in her, and all the sarcasm and happiness had bled out. She looked like a deflated shell of her normal self, and her devastation only made me feel worse about everything.
I let this happen, I thought upon seeing her. This is my fault. A sudden irrational urge to leave washed over me immediately. It was hard to imagine how I could possibly face her, knowing my own guilt. Yet, I knew that Tsunade had no way of knowing how terrible I was. Regardless of ho I felt, I was still the only other Senju left on this planet that could stand beside her and understand her pain. I didn't deserve the chance to fall apart when she was feeling so alone. Not after the damage I'd already done.
Breaking away from Biwako, Asuma, and Isamu, I toddled over to my last remaining relative and tugged on her black pant leg.
"Tsunade-nee?" I said softly. When she looked down at me, it almost felt like she wasn't seeing anything at all. Nevertheless, that didn't stop her from leaning down and picking me up off the ground. Her grip was strong, despite her empty gaze. It was my only signal that perhaps Tsunade would get through this. With that in mind, I wrapped my arms around her neck in my best attempt to hug all the pain away.
"He was protecting us, just like he always wanted to," I said quietly to her.
"Yeah kiddo, I guess he was," she breathed back, her voice cracking. Tsunade's teammates were standing on either side of her, and Jiraiya stepped a little closer to put his arm around Tsunade's shoulders as a few tears started to trickle down her cheeks. I was happy that he was there. No matter what Tsunade might've told you, Jiraiya meant a world and a half to her. He was the friend she could always trust to take her side.
I'm sure Tsunade was probably also glad Orochimaru was there as well, though I couldn't say I felt the same. He was watching her with a look of conflicted pity on his face. It was hard to tell if he didn't like seeing Tsunade's grief, or whether he just didn't appreciate the public display of sadness at all. The former option was ideal I guess. If he actually felt bad for her, that had to mean he wasn't a complete psychopath. Either way though, I couldn't bring myself to appreciate his presence so close to Nawaki's tombstone.
In the end though, none of the three of us who surrounded Tsunade were able to give her the real comfort she needed. As the service came to an end, and we had all cried our fill, Biwako walked over to to us, looking demure in the grey light of the evening. I was resting my head on Tsunade's shoulder, almost half asleep. The funeral had been draining, and my body was still too little to last very long at these sorts of things.
"It was a beautiful service Tsunade-chan," she said, bowing slightly in greeting.
"Thank you," Tsunade echoed the niceties back. She didn't seem to have the energy to engage Biwako any further however. In the end, Jiraiya was the one to pick up the conversation for her.
"It's always good to see you Biwako-san," he said with a small smile. "I'm sure Nawaki would've been happy to see you here today.
"Mm, yes thank you," Biwako hummed in response. I looked over at my surrogate mother with an empty curiosity. I knew almost instinctively that she had come over for more than just a dutiful check up. Sure, she did love her formalities, but Biwako had a familiar look in her eye. It was the same one she wore before manipulating Asuma.
"Well, I suppose I will be heading back to the hospital then," Biwako said aloud, almost as if she wasn't talking to anyone in particular. "Perhaps I will see you there sometime in the next few days Tsunade-chan."
"The hospital?" Tsunade stirred.
"Yes, I'm sorry. I assumed that was why you were back in the village. For the restructure meetings. The Hokage-sama is returning for them after all. I had thought your presence there would be expected," Biwako went on.
"Yeah, the meetings to talk about the war," she said bitterly. She lifted her free hand to the bridge of her nose as her mouth twisted. "Isn't there ever any break from this? I've been running all over the country for months now. I wasted so much time I could've spent with him. Is there even a point to all this fighting and death?"
It had come out of her suddenly, like a spark beneath all the emptiness. I could see the anger now. Was she blaming the village for this? I raised my head to look at her alarmed.
"There will be a break when this is over," Biwako said, with a harshness that matched Tsunade's tone exactly. "That's the way of things. If you want to grieve that's fine, but channel it into a place that your brother would've been proud of. If you are tired of death, go do something to stop it."
Tsunade blinked at Biwako, half stunned, before settling quietly back into herself. When I looked at her again, she seemed more of a person. It was remarkable actually. Biwako never ceased to surprise me. I swear in another life, that woman must've been a magician.
"Right, Thank you Biwako-san. Maybe I will see you at the restructure meeting," Tsunade said slowly. Then she gently handed me back over to Biwako, her hand lingering on my back for a moment.
Biwako smiled. "Good, I look forward to hearing your input there."
I watched Tsunade fade into the distance as Biwako went to go round up the boys and take us home. We were fifteen minutes off when the entirety of that conversation processed. Stiffening in Biwako's arms, I twisted so I could get a good look at her face.
"Did you say that Hiruzen-san was coming home this week?" I blurted out. Isamu spluttered, and Asuma stopped completely dead in his tracks. Of course, Biwako didn't seem to miss a beat.
"He'll be back any time now," she nodded. "Who knows, he might even be back for dinner tonight."
I don't know where Biwako got her information from, but of course, she was right. At exactly 6:30, Hiruzen poked his head through the front door, looking pretty weary. His clothes were tattered, his arms were scuffed, and I swear the lines on his face had gotten deeper. The man seemed to have aged a solid five years since he'd left mere months ago. I'm sure that behind me, Biwako was scrutinizing him with a lot of concern; however, I couldn't find it in me to care. He was back and in one piece. That was all that mattered.
With a delighted shriek, Asuma and I launched ourselves at him and Isamu was close behind. I don't think any of us had realized just how much we had missed him until Hiruzen was back within our grasp. Surprisingly though, Asuma was the most emotional about our little reunion. In the midst of all the hugging, I didn't even realize he had started to cry until Hiruzen said something.
"Hm Asuma-kun, it wasn't that long was it?" he said, looking a little guilty as his toddler buried himself in Hiruzen's shoulder.
Asuma hiccuped. "Na-nawaki-k-kun didn't come home. I-I..." he stuttered half hysterical. My stomach twisted, while Hiruzen hugged Asuma a little tighter.
"Dad's the Hokage," Isamu said softly. "That means he's the strongest in the village. Of course he was going to come home Asuma-kun."
But that wasn't right exactly. Because Hiruzen was the Hokage, I'd say he was actually at more risk on the battle field. After all, wasn't that how Tobirama had gone? Asuma had every right to be scared. I probably would've been worried sick too if I hadn't already read all the spoilers. In a few ways, Nawaki's death was like a checkpoint for me. I didn't have to worry about anyone else in my family dying for a good ten years now, at the very least. If nothing else, that was something to be darkly optimistic about.
The tears subsided after a little bit, and we were able to settle into a nice family dinner. It was almost like it had used to be, ignoring all the emotional baggage that had gathered in this house over the past few months. Biwako cooked a special fish dinner, Asuma refused to eat any of it, and Isamu spent half the night trying to fill Hiruzen in on every single moment that he missed.
I soaked in the familiarity of it all like a sponge. I guess despite the shit show that was happening outside our village gate, things hadn't really changed that much. My family was damaged, sure. But looking at them all now, they didn't seem so different. It made me feel better. Tsunade was going to be okay, and I guess I would be okay too. I would never forget Nawaki, but I couldn't allow myself to wallow in his loss forever.
There were still other people here that I could save.
The following morning, I woke up to the sun shining through my window. I still felt a little empty- that hole might never completely heal- but the better half of me felt a bit lighter. It was almost like the release you feel after having a good cry. Despite the fact that nothing was really discernibly different in the universe, my heart felt like perhaps I could start to move on.
Unfortunately, I think my family was the only one who was starting to cope well with our war losses. Tsunade and I were both rebounding like champs. Both of us had individually decided to live our lives for Nawaki, instead of wasting them over him, but the rest of the village seemed to have fallen underneath a sort of stupor. People weren't so brazen when the war came up in conversation anymore. In fact, I'd even go as far to say that they were complaining about it.
It started with the civilians. The war was effecting a lot of them pretty severely these days. Trade in and out of Konoha had slowed almost to a complete halt, and it was getting difficult for them to maintain their businesses. A lot of families were lending their children to the village's on-hand military staff to do secretary work just so they could get meager labor wages. They were sick of the economic hardships that the war was causing them. When they started to stir, I don't think anybody was all that surprised.
Next came the shinobi. The state of the economy didn't really matter much to all the soldiers we were sending into enemy territory. They didn't really need much money when the military was providing them with rations, weaponry, and medical attention in the field. The problem came as the war began to progress. I've mentioned before that funerals were becoming an almost daily village activity. It was only a matter of time before our losses started to become really significant. By the time Nawaki died, there wasn't a clan in the village that had been left unscathed. Everyone had lost someone, and people were starting to fear loosing those they had left.
The mood of the village was shifting. People were starting to ask for peace.
No matter what the village wanted, however Hiruzen's political problems were only growing bigger. There was a reason that Konoha needed to have a war restructure meeting. As the war's death toll rose, the army couldn't continue to function in it's original state. Their previous strategies had assumed a certain number of shinobi could be placed in all the different cohorts, but we weren't running a sustainable operation anymore. What's more, it wasn't just a battle between Suna and Konoha anymore. Iwa had joined the fray, and Ame was starting to act up because we were encroaching on their territory. No matter what the village wanted, we couldn't afford to display any signs of weakness with so many power players in the field.
My information was always a little spotty, since Isamu's Academy gossip was often my best source of news. Yet according to our resident nine year olds, our situation out in the field was getting worse with every passing day. They needed to change tactics, and they needed to change them soon. That was what the restructure meetings were really for. Hiruzen wanted to hear everyone's input about the most suitable strategic retaliation move.
Because of all this war mayhem, the village was extra lively for the following few weeks. Despite the fact that Hiruzen was home, he rarely was able to spare a few moments to spend time with his family. As always, Asuma wasn't terribly happy about this, but we managed. Actually, for the first time ever he seemed to be coping with Hiruzen's absence in a little bit more mature manner.
Maybe it was all the high ranking ninja that were suddenly in the streets again that motivated him, or maybe it was just some newfound wisdom he'd gained after his fourth birthday- I hear aging does wonders for your world perspective. Anyways, point is, some time in late-November, exactly a year after the war had began, Asuma had some sort of revelation.
We were sitting in the living room around a pile of toys, like we usually did with our down time. It was one of those days when we had been left to fend for ourselves. Biwako was at the hospital, Hiruzen at the war meetings, and Isamu had school for another few hours. These were dull times for me, as I basically had to reduce myself to be Asuma's own personal playtime babysitter. Still, I guess it wasn't so bad. I'd learned since Nawaki that I shouldn't take my time with my family for granted.
"Nat?" Asuma said suddenly, putting down his toy kunai.
"Yeah?" I responded.
"Do you think that maybe we shouldn't play so many games anymore?" he asked, frowning.
I blinked at him. "What are we going to do if we're not playing games? Read?" I asked.
"No, um. I saw another kid running in the park the other day when Isamu took me to get groceries. He looked like he was training," Asuma explained.
"We're not in the Academy yet," I said slowly. "What would we do?"
"Well, he was just running. So we could run, and do push ups and sit ups. Then when we start at the Academy next year, we'll be the best in class 'cause we'll have been practicing," he reasoned. I thought about this for a moment before nodding. It seemed like a good enough idea to me. After all, wasn't I the one complaining about how our time at the Academy couldn't start soon enough? Why did I need to wait until we were enrolled to start training to become a ninja. Today was just as good as any other to start
So I snuck into Isamu's room to steal an old Academy text book, and we headed out to the back yard. The Sarutobi clan didn't have that much real estate in Konoha, but their lands were a lot closer than the park. More importantly though, we wouldn't get in trouble for running around so close to the house. Meanwhile, if we went to the park without Isamu, Biwako might've killed us. We spent the next few hours running through different exercises. The two of us probably looked a little ridiculous jogging around on our tiny legs, but none of Asuma's cousins interrupted us when they passed by. I think a few of the older relatives might've even looked at us in vague approval.
I found out pretty quickly that a proper Academy student work out was actually very rigorous. I could barely loop around the yard three times before I started running out of breath, and my little limbs quivered when I tried to do the strength training. Asuma didn't have half the trouble that I did with any of the exercises. He could lap me in running, double my push up count, plank with me on his back, and still have energy to spare. The logical part of me knew it was probably just the age gap- five months, when you're only four years old, was a long time. Plus on top of that, Asuma was big even compared to other kids his age. My less reasonable half, however, couldn't help feeling a little frustrated though. I'd been ahead of the curve in every other thing I attempted, I guess I wasn't used to struggling like this.
Asuma was pretty smug about my struggles, the little brat. He made a point to show off whenever I thought I might be getting close to him.
Anyways, once we started making our work outs a regular activity, I did start to improve. For weeks, my body felt like it was in a permanent state of soreness, until suddenly it wasn't. Every day, I forced myself to run five steps farther, to do an extra push up or two, and before long I found I could force myself to get through the whole exercise, exactly as it was in Isamu's text book. When Asuma and I had competitions, he still always won, but I was catching up, albeit kind of slowly.
During this time, another kind-of important thing happened, though it didn't seem to have much of an effect on my life. See, in the wake of Nawaki's death, Tsunade threw herself into the village politics. Every day I heard rumors about how she was arguing with people left and right about medical ninja training. Isamu told me that his sources were speaking pretty highly of her actually- people respected her vehement attempt to reduce loss of life in the field. Of course, with her stirring up the pot so much in these meetings, it was only a matter of time before she met Dan Kato in the crowd. I don't know the exact day that it happened- I think Tsunade didn't want to bother me with boyfriends until she was sure that they were going to be serious. Nevertheless, by the time that Spring was starting to bloom, Tsunade had regained a certain air of happiness about her that could only have one source.
Knowing that Dan was suddenly in Tsunade's life made the feelings of guilt over Nawaki resurge. I knew that if there wasn't anything I could do for Nawaki, than Dan wouldn't be any different. Tsunade was going to be crushed again, and I couldn't stop it. Part of me was actually quite grateful that Tsunade was keeping Dan in a separate part of her life. If I never got to meet him, I wouldn't have anybody to grieve over. Maybe that made me a bad person. Yet I already had so many people I wanted to save, I didn't want to make the burden any bigger.
Things were bad enough as they were.
The universe seemed to actually hear me this time, because when June rolled around, Tsunade, Jiraiya, and Orochimaru were deployed again. Hiruzen told me that they would be gone for a while this time. Suna and Konoha's war had been ravaging Amegakure's lands for quite some time, and to everyone's surprise, the locals had started to fight back now. We needed to send out our full strength if we had any hope of staving off a new enemy, and Hiruzen's students had already started to gain quite the name amongst the elemental nations for their battle prowess.
I could guess what would happen to them in Ame's country from here on out. It was probably about time that Hanzo the Salamander dubbed them the three Sannin, and Jiraiya was due to pick up a few students of his own soon. This was a good sign, I suppose. Jiraiya wouldn't plan to abandon Konoha if they were still in the middle of a war.
Things must be coming close to an end, or at least I that's what I hoped.
Arc Title and Chapter Quote from song Diet Soda Society by The Maine
A/N Whoo, another weekly update! This chapter was brought to you by Professors who read the syllabus for the entire first week of class. Meaning that I was able to swing one last quick update before school really does start up again. This time I swear, I probably won't be able to churn out the next update so quickly.
The good news though, is that I'm going to send her to the Academy either in the next chapter or the one after, so we're finally moving out of the baby phase and into the kid-ninja phase.
As always, thank you so much to everyone who reviewed (and sorry to everyone who thought Nawaki was still alive, I'm going to make Natsuki really work to cause ripples, Nawaki's death just came along when she was too young to realistically be able to stop it.)
Until next time!
