Chapter CII

Martha

Her mother had told her everything – and the longer she thought about it, the more it seemed that at least some memories where coming back; though it felt more like a dream. Her mother had been strangely lenient towards the Doctor and Mira, who had put her in this situation – especially Mira, who had gotten her killed to save her own life.

It was as if her mother had finally seen that not the Doctor was the one to blame; that he was only trying to help. Yet she wished she could see it like that herself. Mira had refused to surrender and the Master had killed her. Not that she hadn't realised by now how dangerous it was to travel with the Doctor, but those events had put it on a whole new level. Was she really just a side-kick? Expendable? Just another number in the long row of companions who had travelled with him, loved him, died for – or because – of him? It was not that she was regretting travelling with him – not really. But she had realised some things whilst she was waiting for the Doctor and Mira to come back, pacing around the console room, Jack watching her and occasionally saying that she should probably sit down.

And she had some serious doubts. It was not that she wasn't grateful for everything she had seen, but she wasn't sure it was the life she wanted for herself. She wanted to be important, just like the Doctor or Mira, wanted people to trust in her, wanted to help them – and not just be someone's minion. Weirdly enough though, she wasn't really angry. It was more a feeling of frustration and bitterness – frustration about being not much more than a small part in someone else's big plan, and bitterness about her not having seen it earlier.

As a matter of fact, she was dead. She died, and little had she achieved in her life so far. Had she gotten a second chance? She certainly felt like, and also that she should do something with it.


Jack

It was already early morning when the Doctor and Mira finally returned. They both looked ragged and like they could need a good amount of sleep. He looked over to Martha, who just stared at Mira, arms crossed and a dismissive look on her face.

"You could have saved my life," she said, "But you let him kill me!"

"Martha, I-", Mira said, tiredness in her voice.

"Did you know that I would... come back?"

Mira sighed and said, "No, I didn't."

"You didn't?"

"No, I didn't. And yes, I made a choice and you got killed."

"Martha, leave her alone now," he tried to intervene. "Let's talk about that later."

Martha just shook her head and looked at him bewildered. "Leave her alone? She had me killed to save her own life!"

"It was not about my life," Mira replied, leaning her back against the console, arms crossed, head hanging down.

"No? Oh, I see. You're more important than I am, got it."

He had sent men to their deaths as well, but none of them had come back to confront him. He didn't want to swap places with Mira now, for nothing in the world. Her face changed as he watched her. All tiredness went away, replaced by a hardness and determination that didn't quite fit her finely chiselled features. He remembered what she had said about her father – saving Earth for two-thousand years now? How old did that make her then?

"I am not more important than you," she said quietly. "But the choice I had to make was not about me or you. If I had surrendered everything could have been screwed. The Master would have won."

Martha shot a deadly glance at her. "Oh, yes, and it's so much easier to just sacrifice me. You know, just admit it." Suddenly she sounded a whole less snappy and a whole lot more bitter. "I just want to know why you did it. I see that it was the easy way out, so just admit it."

"Do you really think it's easy?" Mira asked her in such a tone that he instantly felt sorry for Martha who had just opened a can of worms and now getting more than she had bargained for.

"Mira, I don't think-" he tried to de-escalate once more.

"She wanted an answer so she'll get one," Mira interrupted him. "What would you have done in my stead?" She had turned to Martha again, quietly and with a dead serious tone to her voice. "Surrendered and hoped to find a way to fix things later? Or, let's just take a step back and focus on one thing at a time, pretending there was nothing else at stake. Would you have surrendered and happily given your life to save someone else?"

Martha didn't reply, and he couldn't blame her for it. He wasn't sure he would find it in him to oppose Mira right now. There was a sudden and cold authority and assertiveness to her demeanour which almost made him shiver.

"You know," she finally continued "I've heard a lot people saying they would sacrifice themselves to save someone else without thinking twice about it. But I've only seen very few actually doing it. It's easier said than done. And I don't think you - or anyone else - can tell what you would do without having actually been in that situation."

"Wait," Martha said, "You got me killed and now it's about me? I'm the one to blame for questioning you? Good to know what you actually think about me."

"And you have to listen to what I actually say. Have you ever been in such a situation? No? See. I have, I actually know both sides. I've been taken hostage, been interrogated and tortured because I swapped places with someone else. I've also sent people to their certain deaths. I had to offset lives against lives way too often. And even if saving many against saving few seemingly is the only way and perfectly clear in theory, there's one thing it never is: Easy. So never ever tell me again it is easy to sentence someone to death and watch them die. And let me break one more thing to you: No matter how selfless people claim to be and even act - first and foremost all they want is to survive. No one likes to die. So even if they say they would gladly give their lives for someone else, not all of them actually find it in them to do it. They're simply too afraid. And I certainly won't blame them for it. And, apart from that, you knew that being here would be dangerous. You've seen what happened on moon. And yet you decided to stay. You've chosen this way just as I did. If I really wanted to have it easy I would have stayed on Earth, keeping my head down centuries ago. So, if you don't want to get into situations like that, stay at home. You can't have cake and eat it. Questions answered? Then excuse me now."

Martha stared after Mira as she walked towards the stairs, and he could see it working in her face.

"Sorry for that," he said quietly to her even though he knew Mira was right. It just hadn't been the most diplomatic, socially competent and empathetic way of putting it. "You should have talked about it later..."

"What if it was him and not me?" Martha ignored him again, making Mira turn around halfway down the stairs.

Out of the corner of his eyes he could see the Doctor, who was fiddling with some buttons and switches, looking up for a second. He was convinced that he was very well aware that he had become subject of their conversation, despite trying to look disinterested.

"You know the answer," Mira replied cautiously. "He was the only one able to stop the Master and break the Archangel Network."

"And what if not? Would your decision have been the same?"

Touché, he thought, watching the expression on Mira's face changing. Decisions like that were never easy, even without emotions involved. But as soon as it was about friendship, or even love, it turned into a disaster. He wasn't sure if it was the fact that he knew all to well how she felt right now, or the sudden change in her expression that made him sympathise with her.

Had her features been hard and inscrutable am moment ago, there was now a hint of fear in her eyes as she was looking over to the Doctor, making her appear vulnerable and fragile, and oh so human again – a hard contrast to her usual, slightly detached expression.

"There's no point in speculating," she finally said, turned around again and walked away.


Mira

"You've never told me you've lost your hand in a sword fight," she said, turned her head and looked at the Doctor, blinking against the bright sun. It was a beautiful, warm day in Cardiff. "I mean, how do you manage to lose your hand in a sword-fight anyway? Your hands are supposed to be on the grip, behind the cross-guard. There's no way someone could cut your hand clean off. And how did you manage to get into a sword fight in the first place? I thought you're not really into fighting."

"Well," he started and rubbed his eye. "I was lying on the ground and- Ah, long story. In the end, I won." She watched a huge frown appear on his face. "What makes you think I'm not into fighting? I'm actually quite good with a sword. I was just newly regenerated back then, took a bit time to figure it out. But, on the other hand, my... hand grew back." He smiled and wiggled his fingers in front of her.

"We could practice," she said.

"Sure," he replied, staring past her as if something else had caught his attention. "Practice what?" he added after a moment, looking back at her.

"Sword fighting. I'm also quite good at it. At least it's safe to say that I've learned from the best. But...," she watched him from the side, "I know how strong you are, and probably much faster than I am as well. Guess that sort of takes the fun out of it."

No, probably it wasn't a good idea to challenge him, even if it was just for sparring. He wouldn't hurt her, but practising with someone who was holding back was just no fun. She remembered how she had used to train with Atlan. He had been on Earth for ages, back when humans were fighting with swords and bows. He might actually be the best, having learned from all the great fencers on Earth, combined with his background in old Arkon fighting techniques. They had both tried to teach her father, but he was still simply miserable at it. At least he didn't try to swing a sword one-handed like a rapier any more as he had back when Atlan and he had been fighting with two-handed swords - in lack for better weapons - in a museum on Venus, long before they had become friends. He still was no match for her. He was, however, a pretty good archer.

They stood in silence for a while, watching people. Everything was back to normal, of course. Well, not back. Technically nothing had ever happened. Davies had never met her – she wondered for a moment what he was doing right now. And even though she was glad things had turned out as they did, those memories still filled her with sadness.

Then she felt Martha's eyes on her. She didn't seem to hold a grudge against her, which was a nice change from all the drama with Rose. Of course not everything was back to normal between them, and it would probably never be. She could feel that Martha was still brooding, and probably thinking about it a lot – she was getting a lot of mixed emotions from her, but no hatred – at least not much. Martha was an intelligent woman, and she had no doubt she would understand it on a rational level at some point. But she couldn't tell yet what conclusions she would draw from it.

"Time was, every single one of these people knew your name," Martha said eventually, putting their feelings into words. "Now they've all forgotten you."

"I really don't mind, though," the Doctor said, and then to Jack, "Come with me."

"Yes, come with us Jack," she quickly fell in and tried to convince him as well before the Doctor could change his mind.

Having someone like Jack along would be nice. Even though things with Martha would most likely clear up over time, she actually felt a bit starved of contact with mature, adult people. Again, Martha was definitely an improvement compared to Rose, but nevertheless, she was so incredibly young. It was rewarding in his own way watching someone like Martha seeing all the wonders of space for the first time, it was still different talking to someone like the Doctor – or Jack.

"I had plenty of time to think that past year, the year that never was," Jack replied with a lob-sided smile, "And I kept thinking about that team of mine. Like you said, Doctor, responsibility."

"Defending the Earth. Can't argue with that," the Doctor replied.

"Come on Jack," she said. "You can take care of Torchwood later. That's a time-machine, remember?" She pointed over to the TARDIS. "He can bring you back just now, no matter how much time you spend with us. You can, can't you?"

"Uhm...," the Doctor said and ruffled his hair. "Sure. Sure I can. Same day, same time."

"Ah, I don't know...," Jack said but it was clear to see how tempted he was.

"That's an order, Captain," she said.

"Sir, yes sir!" he said and saluted. "But you promise, same day, same time?" he asked the Doctor.

"Same day, same time," the Doctor confirmed.

"Welcome on board then," Martha said.

"So, what about me?" Jack said after a few moments of watching passers by in silence. "Can you fix that? Will I ever be able to die?"

"Nothing I can do," the Doctor said sternly. "You're an impossible thing, Jack."

"Been called that before," Jack said with a nervous smile.

Oh, she so didn't want to be in his stead now, having to deal with all that uncertainty. In a way he was like her now, but she knew what to expect, why she was like she was.

"But I keep wondering. What about ageing? Because I can't die but I keep getting older. The odd little grey hair, you know? What happens if I live for a million years?"

She looked at him, and he was feeling as nervous as his face looked like, and she realised how much she liked him even though they didn't know each other for that long. Not in a romantic way or anything, but as a person. There was something familiar about him. One of those people that make one feel as if knowing them for ages.

"I really don't know," the Doctor said.

"Okay, vanity. Sorry. Yeah, can't help it," Jack replied. "Used to be a poster boy when I was a kid living on the Boeshane Peninsula. Tiny little place. I was the first one ever to be signed up for the Time Agency. They were so proud of me. The Face of Boe, they called me. Hmm. Look, I have to get some stuff. I'll be back before you notice it, just don't fly off without me!"

He headed off, leaving her staring at him out of wide eyes.

"No!" the Doctor said flabbergasted.

"It can't be," Martha added.

"No. Definitely not. No. No," the Doctor still couldn't believe it.

"Yes," she simply said, hiding her face behind her eyes in embarrassment. "Oh God, sometimes I'm really stupid. Stupid and slow." They stared at her, obviously waiting for an explanation. "I thought I've met him before. He... I don't know, he just felt familiar. I'm just certain I've never seen him before. Well, to be fair, he looks much younger now."

"So it really is him?" the Doctor asked.

"Guess so. The Face of Boe told me a few things. Things he said I've said – or will say – to him. Just hope I remember everything. Would it be a paradox to tell him something slightly different now?"

The Doctor and Martha were inside the TARDIS whilst she was waiting outside. They had promised to not head off without Jack, and she wanted to make sure of it. It didn't take long for him to come back, throwing a long, thin bundle over to her. Whatever was inside felt quite solid when she caught it. She traced it with her fingers and then a knowing smile appeared on her face.

"Really?" she asked.

"Well, he might not be willing to practice with you, but I guess you could actually teach me a few things!" he said and smiled back at her.


Martha

She went back inside the TARDIS which was parked close to her mother's place – just this time it was to say goodbye. She was glad that it was only him in the console room, not Jack and Mira as well.

"Right then, off we go," the Doctor greeted her, and his oblivious smile made her doubt her decision for a moment. "The open road. There is a burst of starfire right now over the coast of Meta Sigmafolio. Oh, the sky is like oil on water. Fancy a look? Or back in time. We could, I don't know, Charles the Second? Henry the Eighth. I know! What about Agatha Christie? I'd love to meet Agatha Christie. I bet she's brilliant." his smile slowly faded as she didn't reply.

She hated it, but it had to end. For so many reasons. She didn't want to be the sidekick, the fifth wheel on the wagon any more. Mira's words were still echoing in her mind – she had made a decision. And she would make another one. It was on her and only on her. She wouldn't be at someone else's mercy ever again. It was time she took matters – and her whole life – into her own hands to prove to herself that she could do it.

"Okay," the Doctor added, looking at her with his deep, dark eyes. Eyes she would never be able to forget.

"I just can't," she said quietly.

"Yeah."

"Spent all these years training to be a doctor. Now I've got people to look after. They saw half the planet slaughtered and they're devastated. I can't leave them," she felt the urge to explain herself. "And I have to figure out what I want. It's my life and it's the only one I have."

"Of course they need you. Thank you," he said and smiled, slightly sadly this time. "Martha Jones. You were a great help. You were great!"

"Was I?" she asked. "What did I do then? I was only second best. And I'm afraid that's how it will go on. And I don't want to be second best. I don't want to be expendable."

"You're not second best and certainly not expendable," he said. "And you now that."

"Do I?" she replied. "Guess it's time to figure it out. You going to be all right? Keep an eye on Jack. And... Well, on Mira. Guess she can't get out of her skin after all."

"I'm always all right," he replied. "And don't worry about old Jack. Or Mira."

"Right then. Bye," she said, turned around before she could change her mind and walked through the door.

But then she stopped. It didn't feel right. She had to tell him everything, even though he most likely wouldn't understand. But she had to make a clear cut, otherwise it would never leave her alone. She would always regret it. She turned around again, afraid the TARDIS might vanish any moment and pushed the door open again.

"Because the thing is," she said, "It's like my friend Vicky. She lived with this bloke, student housing, there were five of them all packed in, and this bloke was called Sean. And she loved him. She did. She completely adored him. Spent all day long talking about him."

"Is this going anywhere?" the Doctor asked.

"Yes," she replied and he made every effort to appear interested. "Because he never looked at her twice. I mean, he liked her, but that was it. And she wasted years pining after him. Years of her life. Because while he was around, she never looked at anyone else. And I told her, I always said to her, time and time again, I said, get out. So this is me, getting out."

She probably could have lived with being second best companion if he would only see her. If he had only chosen to be with her instead of Mira or someone else. But not like this. She threw her phone to him and continued, "Keep that, because I'm not having you disappear. If that rings, when that rings, you'd better come running. Got it?"

"Got it," he said and smiled.

"I'll see you again, mister," she said and finally left, trying to fight the tears that were filling her eyes. She new it was the right thing to do, but certainly not the easiest.


PondRiverWilliams, OneWhoReadsToMuch, E-man-dy-S, Nicole85, SakuraRose, Arashi - IV of IV, heroherondaletotherescue, bored411: Thanks for leaving a review :-)

AkatsukiShizu3: I had originally planned to just do the 10th Doctor, but now I'll definitely continue with 11. Donna will be there as well.

MiaEther: Is it really that bad with him being too human already? I'm aware that it's quite a balance between writing the Doctor in a relationship and not making him too human and I at least have best intentions to try to not let that happen. But, regarding the last chapter, I always felt like he has that slightly paranoid thing with people leaving him and being incredibly insecure when it comes to that, at least in his 10th regeneration. I think later on he's more certain about him and his companions. But anyway, maybe I overdid it a little bit. Thanks for pointing it out and I'll try harder to not make him too human. :-)

Type40TARDIS: Thanks for the kind review. I guess it'll break my heart as well writing that, I cried when I watched it for the first time ;-) I think about including him at some point and in some way, just not too sure yet about the how&when.