You know what's scarier than Halloween?

Dating.

You know what's scarier than dating?

Dating when you're older.

So, now that I'm closer to the end of my days than the beginning, let me reveal to you:

The Top Ten Things You Should Do Before A Date

10. Take a nap

9. Wash off the fishy smell of Preparation H.

8. Try to remember who you're taking out.

7. Massage your prostate to ease the swelling.

6. Massage your prostate because it feels good.

5. Shave back, comb eyebrows, trim nostrils, and pluck the hair growing out of your ears.

4. Do stretching exercises so you won't pull a muscle later when you... well... you know.

3. Don't forget your Gas-X.

2. Apply acne medication... ON YOUR ASS!

And the number one thing you should do before a date is:

1. On your way to pick her up, stop somewhere to take a shit.