Chapter VI
A Journey of Self-Discovery
Things went better than she had expected. She thought. It was the least she could do to build up her confidence.
"What a great performance, Hirose-san!" The director clapped his hands as soon as he stood up from his seat. "I can't believe you already memorized all your lines for the first act! I mean, we still have three months until the performance day, but you don't like to slow things down, do you? I wonder if that's how a real actor does on camera?"
"Thank you, Yamanaka-san. You're too kind—" Before Akari got the chance to bow her head to express her gratitude, Ken already cut in.
"Even so, you don't have to stick to the script all the time, you know? You can improvise, too, if you think it's necessary." He suggested. "That way, you'll bring more life to the dialogue and the character you're representing."
"Okay," she answered, her lips curving into a faint smile. "I'll take that into account for sure."
In other words, your acting sucks.
Behind her back, she caught the other cast whispering.
"Hey, don't you think Ken-san is holding it back with Hirose-san? He even complimented her in the beginning! As far as I can remember, he never did that to Namie-san before?"
"Well, she is Hirose Akari. No one gets mad at an idol, don't you think so? And he needs to keep her around to make this show success at last."
For the record, the director she previously worked with never failed to find fault with her acting. She got into trouble for keeping messing up her lines (in her defense, she was too occupied with a concert tour that took place simultaneously). For that reason, she made sure to read the script over and over again until she had committed it to memory. But then again, her attempt to impress the crew was still unsuccessful.
The only thing she was good at, perhaps, the fact that she didn't know when to quit.
The next day. Akari asked Tobio to meet her in the library during lunch. They had another English assignment that was due tomorrow. Ever since she joined the drama club, it had been almost impossible to match their schedules (since Tobio strongly refused to do it alone ahead of time). She had to attend the rehearsal as soon as the class ended, and so did he with the volleyball practice.
Come to think of it, Tobio never brought up the incident he witnessed the other day ago. It almost seemed like he was pretending to have amnesia all of a sudden.
"All I have to do is to keep you company, right?" He began, watching her run her eye over her notebook.
She looked up to face him briefly, "Nope. You're gonna help me this time."
To her surprise, he didn't protest. "Sure. Just tell me what to do."
"Oh, I don't mind taking the lead, to be honest. But, I didn't attend the last class, remember? So, you're going to tell me what to do."
He frowned, his eyes staring at the ceiling. "The teacher told us to interpret an article. Probably."
"Probably? You're not even sure?" Hesitating, she tilted her head to the side. "But that will do. Come on! Let's find an article first."
Without delay, Akari headed toward the nonfiction row to search for the appropriate article. First things first, it had to be less complicated seeing that the deadline was nearing. If truth be told, she was unable to handle the deadline pressure very well. It felt like she was rushed to grab an unspecified important thing inside a room. All she had to do was cross the threshold of the door, yet she somehow noticed that her movements had slowed down greatly when her surroundings was moving at the speed of light. And in the blink of an eye, the door had been shut and she missed her chance.
It was the last thing she wished to feel. Even the thought of it could send shivers down her spine.
Her attention riveted to a book whose spine read as 'Journal of Mental Health' before she found herself lost in thought. Maybe the journal had the answers she and Yua had been seeking for. Idols are demanded to carry a certain image given by their agencies. On top of that, mental issues were still a taboo topic to be brought up when in public. Coming out with having a mental disorder was pretty much the same as asking their careers to be destroyed. Therefore, their agency only made them go to see a therapist in secret.
After staring at it for a while, Akari stood on her toes to reach its height. Noticing her having a hard time to get through to the book, which was located on the upper shelf, Tobio got hold of it first and withdrew it.
"You found it already?" He peeked a glance at the cover. Journal of Mental Health.
But then, she hurriedly took the book away from him, pressing it close to her chest. "Nope. There's no way we're gonna use this. I think you happened to grab the wrong book, Kageyama-kun."
"I haven't really asked since the last time, but…" He muttered, a tinge of red creeping over his cheeks. "... How are you feeling?"
A mischievous grin plastered on her face, "My feeling? Do you want to know how I feel about you, Kageyama-kun?"
"Th-that's not what I meant! How could you even get that wrong?" Stuttering, he blushed like mad. "I'm asking about your condition! Not your actual feeling! Which part of my question that is hard to understand?"
"Then why were your cheeks so red?" A giggle escaped her mouth. "Actually, I'm feeling better now. Thanks for asking—"
"Whatever! Anyway, I'll be in the next aisle to save time. Just let me know if you find anything."
If truth be told, she enjoyed Tobio's company. At first, it was because he only regarded her as an ordinary person, and not as the center of Pink Panthers that everyone admired. She also found his reaction amusing, too, when she gave him fan service. She would've never thought an aloof boy like he is could get swayed so easily! Too bad he wasn't fond of English as much as she was. Personally, she was only interested in English because she found the lyrics of love songs less cringeworthy if sung in English rather than her native language.
An idea suddenly popped into her mind. Perhaps she could get Tobio to appreciate English more by combining it with something he was keen on, such as volleyball! They could use an article relating to volleyball for this assignment! There and then, she started searching high and low for any sports journals on the shelves.
It took her some time to find a suitable journal considering the limited time they had left. Before she saw her way to grab the book, all of a sudden, the bookshelf before her, looked as if it was about to collapse, coming down on her. Spontaneously, she stooped, her forehead touching the cold tiles. Meanwhile, she could only hold her breath. Her eyes shut, her heart felt like it almost stopped pumping for a split second. As she sank lower to the floor, she could feel that a stack of books continuously hitting her back. She clenched her fists tight and thought to herself. Am I going to die here?
Before long, the books stopped dropping. And she wasn't dead yet. She glanced up to find the top of the shelf stuck to the wall. Seemingly, only the contents had descended, and luckily, not the heavy-looking bookshelf itself because it might have gotten her killed, otherwise.
"Hirose! Hey! Can you hear me?" Tobio kneeled outside the aisle, his gaze still reflecting shock.
"Oh, dear! Are you all right?" The librarian exclaimed in horror. The older lady extended her hand, "Can you crawl out? Here, let me help you get back up."
As soon as Akari rose to her feet, the librarian inspected the fallen bookshelf, her hand stroking her chin. "Hmm, it seems like I must have assembled the books too cramped on the upper shelf. Say, dear, were you trying to take out one of the books of the upper shelf?"
"Um, yes. But I—"
"I told you I was in the next aisle! Why didn't you call me if you needed any help?" Tobio glared.
"Don't be so hard on her, young man." Commented the librarian. "Accidents can happen at any time."
But, is it really an accident though? Akari doubted that.
As the librarian was trying to pick up the fallen bookshelf, Tobio, without being asked, moved toward the bookshelf to help prop it up. Surprisingly, it was light as a feather.
"Oh, what a gentleman!" She winked at Akari before she walked away, "He's a real keeper!"
… Which led her cheeks to flush vaguely, "I'm sorry that you have to keep seeing me like this…"
"It's fine." He then noticed fresh blood came forth from her knee, her socks ripped. "Hirose, your knee's bleeding. Let's get you to the infirmary."
By the next incident, she was certain that she was being targeted.
During PE class, the students took turns to play softball on the court. The male students played first, while the girls waited by the side of the court. Akari, on the other hand, just returned from the bathroom. Just when she traveled by the court before entering, one of the male students shouted from inside.
"Akari-chan! Can you get the ball?"
Without suspicion, she glimpsed the ball that rolled past her, ready to fetch it. But then, when she crouched down to pick up the ball, she heard another voice.
"Hirose! Watch out!"
Before she knew it, her body was being slammed down by force. She didn't close her eyes this time. She caught sight of the flower pot falling down gradually before it hit the ground as if it were played in a slow-motion mode. Oh, no. How did it happen? I messed it up. I'm such a mess! At that point in time, all she could hear was a sharp throb in her ear to the point that she was unable to make out the sound of the flowerpot dashing into pieces as it let gravity reign over it.
You'll mess up, won't you? All of a sudden, Namie's voice was the only thing she could hear.
"Hey! Earth to Hirose!"
Little did she know that she made it unhurt was thanks to Tobio who managed to push her off so that the flowerpot wouldn't fall upon her head. Be that as it may, she was landing on her back, Tobio's body on top of her. His hot breath brushing against her cheeks, he was panting. For a split second, their eyes met. It was the moment when she noticed his eyes were the deepest hue of blue and not onyx.
Realizing they were in an awkward position, Tobio hurriedly picked himself up. "So-sorry."
At a stroke, her cheeks reddened. Her face never got so close to a boy's before. "Don't be. I should've thanked you first."
"Can you stand by yourself—"
"Kageyama-kun," she interrupted, face all pale. "Did you see someone threw down the flowerpot from above?"
"Huh?" He answered, his expression becoming serious. "You think someone might have done it on purpose?"
"Just a feeling." She added, "Anyway, I gotta go. Before the culprit makes a run for it."
Immediately, she rushed off without turning back, leaving Tobio behind. She climbed up the stairs in haste, checking out the balcony on every floor, which only met with disaster in the end. The culprit had vanished without a trace.
The culprit wasn't bad herself. She let her target think that she had done pulling pranks on her, when in fact, she was only waiting for the right moment to make a comeback.
Before the rehearsal began, Akari took the time to go to the bathroom. As she stepped into the bathroom, she walked past a row of empty bathroom stalls before deciding to enter the furthest one. Once she had done relieving herself and made sure that her skirt had been zipped up, a bucket of cold water poured all over her, soaking through her hair and uniform. In a little while, the sound of laughter echoed. Judging by the ruckus they made, she estimated there were at least three people outside the stall. Besides, there was no way Namie alone was capable of playing a prank that perfectly without the help of her sidekicks.
If truth be told, Akari couldn't wait to meet the other two. Having said that, she only planned to come out of her stall until their laughter subsided. By the time the three put an end to their act of laughing, they knocked on the door repeatedly, panicked that their victim hadn't shown signs of being alive. Akari only opened the door just when one of them was about to break the door.
"I thought you were dying…" One of them revealed, her face losing its color. "I don't care what's your beef with her, Namie-san. But I don't want to get involved in a murder attempt! I'm signing off!"
Namie grumbled, rolling her eyes. "Coward…" She turned to her other friend, "What about you? I'm giving you the last chance to walk out."
"I… I'll be outside then!"
"Fine. Make sure to not let anyone in." Namie ordered before her friend fled.
"It's just the two of us now, Akari-chan." A smug smile appeared on her face. "I wonder how will you go back to the auditorium all-drenched like this?"
"What is your problem, Namie-san?" Confronted Akari, eyes burning with anger. "Did you try to injure me because you know I'm doing so well as the female lead right now?"
"You said you were doing so well? Don't make me laugh!" Namie let out a mocking laugh. "Well, I heard a lot about you from the other cast. They said your acting is terrible! Your delivery is flat as a board. Are you sure you're not just reciting your dialogue?"
Like a predator in pursuit of prey, Namie moved around Akari, her hand touching the end of Akari's hair. "I really hate people like you, you know? A jack of all trades and a master of none. Didn't you claim yourself to be an idol? Why don't you just stick to singing or dancing so that you at least have something you can brag about other than your pretty little face?"
On the spur of the moment, Akari's brain created a lifelike illusion in which she was being transported into a familiar empty space. She was all by herself, swarmed in a sea of people whose faces she couldn't recognize. They were whispering, pointing fingers at her.
'She only has her looks.'
'She's all about pretty face.'
'Without her face, she's good for nothing.'
Screw them. Screw all of them!
"Screw you! I'm not just about pretty face! I can sing. I can dance. I can act. I can do anything I want if I try hard enough! It's just that I don't have the energy these days because the likes of you keep finding fault with everything I do! I'm sick and tired of pretending to be okay every goddamn time! What does me being an idol have to do with your freaking inferiority complex, Namie-san? Do you think you can keep pushing me around and expect me to do nothing about it just because I'm an idol? Well, kiss my ass! Screw this image! I don't care anymore. I don't give a damn about the musical play as well. I quit!"
Warm tears streamed down Akari's cheeks as she exited the bathroom. Throughout her retreat, she only looked down at her feet, unbothered by the strange look given by Namie's underling.
The therapist paused, studying his patient carefully. "So, you gave up on your role?"
Akari only nodded weakly.
"But is that what you truly want? What about being an idol? Do you still want to do it?"
"I… I don't know…" She let out a sigh. "I'm too fed up with people speaking ill of me, but at the same time, a part of me still misses the feeling of being on the stage. Even if there are many people who can't stand the sight of me, I still have my family and my fans who have supported me after all this time. I don't want to let them down… I know how horrible the stigma of having a mental disorder in Japan. And I remember how much I had to put up with Yua-san back then. What if I'm having an episode in front of my fans? I can't let them find out…"
"Hey, calm down, Hirose-san. Let's not leap to a conclusion yet, okay? Breathe in and breathe out…" The therapist guided her to relax. After a while, he continued. "Now that we're good, I have to tell you my honest opinion on your situation in the hopes it will take a turn for the better. Here's my two cents, you don't have bipolar, Hirose-san. Perhaps you've been suggesting that because you had been hanging around with Yua-san too much, which you have confirmed to be diagnosed with bipolar."
"That being said, it's actually a good sign to be aware of your mental state in advance, Hirose-san. You realize how it will impact your loved ones because you don't want to disappoint them. It may put pressure on you at first, but let's change that way of thinking to 'I have to do well so that they can be proud of me'." The therapist showed Akari a portrait of a nuclear family consisting of three on his desk. The parents were holding their daughter's hands, happiness drawn all over their faces. "I have a daughter who looks up to you. Her name is Koharu, she just turned 4 a couple of days ago. Even though I'm not around at home as often as her mother, I can tell she's a big fan of yours. Your group's songs are all she hums everywhere she goes. She will copy your every movement whenever you appear on TV. To her, you're not just a pretty face. You're a beautiful girl who has many talents, a good sense of humor, and a heart of gold. You've become a role model for my daughter and many other young people. Isn't that why idols are produced? To inspire the people around them."
Tears welled up Akari's eyes, her lips forming a smile. "Oh, no. Why haven't you told me that your daughter is a fan of mine? I shouldn't have gotten it off my chest in the first place... Will you still allow your daughter to idolize me after knowing I'm this messed up?"
"You're not a mess, Hirose-san. You're just human. Being an idol shouldn't take that part away from you." The therapist leaned back against his chair, "I wish you could try new things, Hirose-san. It doesn't have to be something risky—it only requires you to experience different things in order to expand your perspective on what this life has to offer. You can try meeting new people and build bonds with them, or simply discovering new hobbies or new interests. That being so, you'll get to break the same old routine you've been stuck with. I genuinely advise you to take a break from the showbiz for the time being and begin a journey of self-discovery, Hirose-san."
Author's note: This chapter has been sitting on my draft for a while. I know I was supposed to update this story a week ago, but idk why I'm not really confident with the flow of this chapter so far. I still think it's kinda rushed BUT no one wants to be stuck in this depressing phase since we all love fluff so much. Anyway, expect another delayed update. I started my internship last week and this week is gonna be so hectic as well. I wish I had more time to write! Thanks for reading~ Hope you like it!
