Chapter 19|| Reveal
Everyone was in my room seated and waiting for me to begin talking. Natsume was beside me, strangely, Ruka seated next to Hotaru, Koko and Sumire and Yuu ona one-seated sofa. No one knows about my tribulations in middle school and my life before school other than Sumire and Hotaru. I had planned on keeping it that way because I wanted to keep this stuff away from anyone and leave in the past, but now I think it is time to break my silence. I know it is not healthy to bottle things up like I do, and I know that I let people know that let it all out when I don't, so I decided not to be a hypocrite and take my advice.
"As you might know, before I moved to Gakuen Alice high school, I lived in Tokyo and went to a different school there," I state. Tokyo was a small town a little more than an hour away from Gakuen. It was the neighboring town of Tokyo, and I had lived there my whole life up until my final year at middle school. Then, I moved to Gakuen Alice just in time to begin high school. "I always told people that I moved because my parents needed to for work, but that isn't the whole truth.
"I know I seem like this overly-chirpy pushover all the time, but once upon a time I wasn't like that at all. I had a bit of attitude and whatever I thought, I would say. Sometimes I kinda miss the old me. Like, I always seem to let people walk all over me now, but back then, the way I treated others and the way I treated myself made me feel confident and happy.
"I had a small group of friends, not many people acknowledged my presence, and one of my closet friends Nobara. She wasn't the first friend of mine but I met her through Sumire and her friends. At the time Sumire Hotaru and I weren't as closer to each other as we are now, but back then Nobara and were more than friends. We were like sisters. Unbreakable friendship. We went everywhere to gather, and we did everything together." My breath hitches and my hands become fists shifting in my seat nervously.
"Sometimes she had mod swings which I shrugged off. She never invited me to her home, and then again, I shrugged it off. And it wasn't just me, she invites no one to her house, and sometimes she wore jumpers on hot days…" I trail off and breathe for a moment to calm down. My voice was thick in emotion and I could feel my heart speeding up. "I shrugged of everything ever said or did. I was a freaking idiot. A stupid idiot, stupid idiot." I swallow a lump in my throat.
I could feel everyone's intense gaze on me, especially Natsumes, but didn't want to look at him I didn't want to look at anyone. Shame and guilt kept my gaze on the tilted floor. "It has been six years and I still haven't gotten over it. I thought I would move on when I moved houses. It was a coincidence that I had to move because of my parent's business, and their partnership with another huge company… but it turns out that it wasn't the case for me…" I exhale a bitter laugh. "Turns out that you can't just forget the things that you have done, when you move towns and schools."
I look at the time and it is past midnight, leaving us all in complete, utter silence.
"I'm gonna make us late. We should all sleep, and talk about the rest in the morning." I state after a long moment.
"It doesn't matter." Koko says.
"Yes it does. We came here to have fun and tomorrow we are leaving and I don't want to ruin a good holiday."
"Again. It doesn't matter. I want to hear this. We want to hear this." he states with no discussion.
"But-"
"Stop it, Mikan." Natsume interrupts us. He sounds agitated "Not everyone has to be happy all the damn time. You can't always be happy, and if you are, then you'll be sad-"
"Uh-"
"You know what I mean."
"It has nothing to do with your happiness though." I point out.
"It has something to do with yours, so yes, it does."
I open my mouth to refute his argument, but I had nothing to say. He was right. "Okay." I finally nod. "Back to story time right?" I joke sarcastically but Natsume doesn't laugh, in fact no one does, tough crowd so I continue, "I know when I first meet you Natsume I was annoying. I know I pushed too much into your business but you reminded me of her and on her down days I didn't do anything. That's why I always wanted you to be happy. I pry into people's business a lot, and I know that. Sumire, and Hotaru tried to help. Most people didn't mind, but you…"
"I was a jerk." Natsume fills in, sighing to himself. "I'm sorry Mikan." Everyone was surprised to see Natsume apologizing, expect me.
"Why? You already apologized for your behavior."
"I know but I stupid to think that you were like all those other girls when in fact you are nothing like them. I thought you had no substance. I didn't even consider that you had your own story and your own reasons."
"It doesn't matter anymore," I brush it off "It is in the past."
"So you can easily brush it off the way I acted, and not the way you acted in the past?" he quickly retorts. "You are so quick to forgive others but not yourself."
"You don't even know what happened yet."
"I can see where this is going, and it wasn't your fault."
"Yes it was."
"No. It wasn't"
"Yes it was. I could have helped her. There were so many signs and sometimes I considered that she might have problems at home, but I never asked."
"It wasn't your fault Mikan!" Yuu yells at me and I flinch back. I have never seem him this angry before.
"Stop saying that. I know my mistakes, so stop telling me that I had no part in her suicide."
"Why do you think like that?" Ruka inquires. "Why do you put the blame on you and not the parents—or Nobara for not telling you?"
"Don't even start," I snap at Ruka when he mentions Nobara, "It's wasn't her fault. Sometimes it is hard for people to open up, and so don't tell me in anyway that it could be Nobara's fault. You have no idea what she could have felt of experienced. So just don't."
The thick silence creates tension in the room and I sigh, and slump back in my seat. I didn't mean to get so angry at him I just hate it when people blame the victim. Nobara was not at fault. Maybe she could have opened up to me but we never now what goes on in other people minds. She might have felt helpless or though as if she couldn't have trusted me so I shouldn't blame it all on her when I knew nothing.
"I'm sorry" Ruka apologizes.
"My best friend didn't feel like she could talk to me and resorted to committing suicide rather than asking for my help." I feel my eyes could in tears. "I should have been a better friend. I should have just known." I croak, my face contorting into anger and regret. "I could've saved her."
"Mikan don't say," Sumire, says her voice cracking. "Don't blame yourself please. We are all sorry for what happened, but you are a nice person. You are thoughtful and sweet and you don't deserve the weight you are putting yourself on."
"Don't I, though? Everyone seems to think that I do so I must right?" my vision was blurry and I could feel a sob rising in my throat. I could've helped her.
"What do you mean?" Natsume questions with his head snapping in my direction looking at me with a soft expression. I didn't expect him to react that way.
"Everyone. The police, classmates, school counselor…the friends in my group." I answer, " They all kept asking me why I didn't do something, why I didn't see that she needed help because I was her best friend. I should've seen something."
"They turned on you?" Natsume asks.
"No." I shake my head. "They kept asking me again and again and again and again. Everyone did. Did you see something odd when Nobara behaved? Were there any signs? Did she tell you anything about her home life? Would she ever open up to you? Did you know what she was going to do?" I close my eyes to stop the sobs but no avail. "I so sorry." I whimper, like Nobara could actually hear me and was watching me from somewhere.
I feel arms wrap around me and I knew it was Natsume. I leaned into him and rested my head on his shoulder. "After everything," I sniffle "Hotaru and Sumire convinced me that I move, and quickly."
"But still don't get something. How does this all have to do with the cancer you have?" Koko questions. I break the embrace and look at him.
"Before I moved, Nobara's death was infecting me in ways that I would hardly function. My parents were almost never home, and my brother was over seas so I had no one at the time. my family was always distant with me, and attached to each other more. I was depressed and wouldn't leave my room and kept blaming myself for what happened. I cried and cried myself at night and day without any food. And when I use to attend school I would faint in hallways, and class. I would hardly eat or sleep. One day Hotaru came to my house and found me in my room on the ground unconious. We went to he hospital and two day later I was awake. They said that I had developed an eating disorder through depression. The doctor was Hotaru brother; Subaru and he gave me two weeks to get my appetite straight. With Hotaru and Sumire making sure I was eating it helped out. They would constantly be at my doorstep 4-5 times a day making sure I was health and eating.
My parents were always out on business trips and work they would hardly spend anytime with me. It was either work or see how my brother was doing in his studies. They almost gone all year long, and sometimes I wonder if they ever even miss me. When we moved Sumire and Hotaru convinced their parents that they all move to. I told them that there was no need for it but it happened anyway. For the past years I know I have sent every holiday on my own with no one. Hotaru and Sumire family's would drop by for a couple of hours but then leave to visit other friends and families.
Then two years ago I felt serious pain in my stomach and I couldn't stand up. I called Hotaru and Sumire for help and they came instantly and took me to the hospital. There we found out that I had stomach cancer, and at the time I had the choice to remove it, but I refused."
"Why did you refuse?" Natsume questions. His arms are still around me though.
"Because I have nothing to live for. My life is coming to an end and I lived my life as much as I can. My parents are unaware of my cancer and I plan on keeping it that way. I may not have all happy and memorial memories but not all lives are like fairytales. Many times I was told to do the surgery by many different people but I didn't budge my decision.
"Then Natsume and I had a fight at school. I ran and didn't come back after hours because I was at the Clinic sign papers and making an agreement. I remember saying that I was at Nobara's grave but it was a blunt lie, which was easily seen.
Sumire told me that I should give the money and inform my parents about this tragedy but I refused."
"How much were they asking for?" Yuu questioned.
"250 000 yen." I answer and we all fall silent. That was until Hotaru broke it.
"Mikan tomorrow we are going back, and I am calling your parents and telling them everything." I look at her immediately, shaking my head viciously.
"No Hotaru. Please don't." I plead her.
"She is and we all agree on it. Besides Mikan we want you to live and you have a life to live. You can't just throw it out." Natsume says in determination and everyone nod there heads in agreement. I guess I have no say in this.
"I guess I have no say in this."
"No." they all answer.
here u go! I'll try to update another chapter today if possible!
