Disclaimer: I'm just a geeky fangirl that likes to play around; I own nothing.

The Long Way Home: Chapter 7

Eventually Aki decided hanging out in the hallway wasn't smart, especially considering he was almost naked with the exception of his towel. His hair was wet and a chill was beginning to rise in him, though he wasn't sure if was due to the air conditioning hitting his skin or horror.

He re-entered his apartment, setting the box he still held under his arm on the coffee table before dropping onto the couch heavily. Burying his face in his hands, Aki took several breaths in an effort to calm himself, to no avail. His heart thudded almost painfully.

He had done some crazy things in his life, but he wasn't without feelings, and he understood how his actions looked or made others feel now. The only difference was that this time, he felt remorseful.

The chain of events that unfolded were frightening, particularly in their timing. An hour ago, Aki had been praying fervently for this exact scenario to never take place, and wham, all of a sudden, it had. And in the worst way possible, no less.

When Ueno had informed Aki of where he was employed, Aki had immediately panicked. He remembered repeating to himself over and over as he walked home that this could not be happening, that Ueno was not working for his father, that he wouldn't be mere floors underneath Aki at any given moment. He spent the last couple of days trying to figure out a surefire way to guarantee that they never made any connections between Aki and each other, but that, of course, was absolutely impossible. It was an eventuality, and Aki had been fighting a losing battle trying to prevent it from happening.

Aki might as well have been standing in the middle of a set of tracks, trying to prevent two barreling trains coming from opposite directions from slamming into one another. There was likely to be an explosion, and after the smoke cleared, the idiot that attempted to stop the inevitable- in this case, Aki, would be long expired in the middle of the rubble; a mangled, bloody, unidentifiable mess.

For all his intelligence, Aki had still attempted the impossible.

In addition to feeling remorse, he also felt a slight twinge of anger. Damn his loose-lipped father with his random, ill-timed visits. He hadn't meant any harm, and Aki knew that. He had no way of knowing that the mention of his family would drive Aki into a state of unease. He also had no way of understanding that a man that Aki simply knew from school had actually saved him from continuing a life full of physical and mental abuse. His father was completely unaware that Aki was walking a very fine line that required him to keep them both in the dark about one another. They both represented different portions of Aki's life, and they were also innocent parties. But they were both involved, and neither Ueno nor his father were aware of their specific roles. There were things that neither of them needed to learn.

But really, the man had a serious knack for saying the wrong things at the worst time possible. Due to that, and reasons that Aki didn't feel like revisiting at the moment, he hadn't been his father's biggest fan in a long time- well, ever.

Ueno thought that he was the reason Aki had tried to keep him and his father from finding out about one another. That's where the guilt came from. To add to his stress, Ueno had just confessed that he had been conflicted all weekend over the way Aki had left him on Saturday.

Aki was in no way ashamed of Ueno or how he felt about him. He had long since stopped focusing on what others thought about him. If he hadn't been attempting to keep some bothersome facts buried, he wouldn't have cared. The one thing he wouldn't be able to stand, however, was Ueno looking down on him.

It wasn't as if his father would volunteer the information. In fact, his father was pretty much in the dark about most of Aki's past. That meant his father could very well mention a variety of situations, not knowing that he was stepping on an active land mine. Ueno may be able to piece together enough to reach his own conclusions.

Take the conversation in the hallway, for example. He had mentioned several people, some of them dangerous witnesses of events Aki was determined to try and forget, and Ueno didn't know any of them. If Ueno was curious, he might have expected Aki to elaborate. Understandably so, Ueno would be entitled to ask.

All information provided would lead to the same dark story. There were people in turmoil and confusion, and it was in direct relation to Aki's past actions. It wasn't as if Aki didn't care, but there was so little he could do to repair the damage now without opening up and laying all of his sins out in the open. Even if he did so, there was no guarantee that it would help matters; in fact, Aki was sure that he would end up worse off than before.

Wasn't it better to just leave things as they were? Hadn't Aki known that at some point he would need to be realistic and let Ueno go? If he let Ueno remain upset with him and they parted ways, Aki would be able to avoid a painful future confrontation. It would be an easy way to end things. As the logical side of him knew that severing ties was the best move, his emotional side wasn't ready to carry out the necessary action.

So Aki sat quietly, caught between the urge to search for the comfort he knew he wanted but didn't deserve, and trying to do what he assumed would be best for everyone else.

Maybe it would be best for him to try to explain things to Ueno, even if they were going to part ways. Ueno should shun him for the right reasons, not a misunderstanding.

No. Aki's logical side had made a decision; let it go. Ueno was gone, and it was for his own good. He'd start out angry, possibly, but at sound point he would get over. He'd have to.

But was that the best for Ueno, really? While his brain screamed at him to pay attention, act sensibly, and remain in his apartment and let the chips fall where they may, there was an apparent disconnect. The signals weren't reaching his body.

Just let him go.

Aki rose to his feet, racing into his bedroom toward his closet. He spent a moment scanning the contents, tapping his bare foot against the carpeted floor, and then snatched a pair of jeans and jacket off their hangers, throwing them behind him towards his bed. He then opened began pulling open drawers and added underwear and socks to the pile, then a t-shirt...

Aki wiggled into his undergarment, and then hurriedly slid his legs into perfectly dyed, fitted denim. With shaking fingers, he buttoned and zipped his jeans. Next he jammed his arms through the sleeves of his tight-fitting t-shirt before yanking it over his head and jerking the fabric down over his torso, and then sat on his bed to yank on his socks.

I've hurt enough people. I can't do it to him.

He grabbed his jacket on the fly, re-entering his living room. He had to stop, cursing, to find his apartment key, and almost screamed in unreasonable frustration. After what felt to be a year, he jammed the key into his pocket, stepped into his shoes, and ran into the hall, slamming it behind him.

Leaving the hotel had been a gargantuan relief he hadn't thought possible. After putting some distance between him and Aki, he no longer needed to blindly run. His pace had slowed, and he cleared the sidewalk at a speed slightly below moderate. Suddenly his legs felt as heavy as tree.

He'd left the main streets; it would be difficult to locate a cab from here. Oh well. It was going to be a lengthy walk home, but Ueno didn't find himself caring. The walk would give him time to resonate with that night's events.

Ueno couldn't accurately determine which emotion was strongest at the moment: embarrassment, anger, or sadness. He felt embarrassment regarding the way he had torn his way down the hall after receiving the shock. On top of that, Aki either didn't like or trust Ueno enough to let him in on any particulars of his life, but let Ueno grow attached like an idiot. He felt anger because Aki hadn't taken the opportunity to tell him the truth. Ueno had spoken to him a couple of times before that evening, and he hadn't mentioned it once, which made Ueno wonder if Aki had purposely been attempting to keep him from finding out. He experienced sadness because if the reason for his anger was true, any effort to get to know Aki better had been a waste of time.

More than anything, Ueno felt like Aki had been making a fool out of him. Considering the way they had met, maybe he had been fooling himself in thinking that Aki was taking him seriously and looking at him as a man worthy of getting to know. Maybe Aki looked at Ueno as a child, considering their differences in attitude, demeanor, and experience. Again, the way they had met should have told Ueno that Aki was light years ahead of him in adult matters and been in more relationships than he had. He was naïve and inexperienced, and maybe that meant he wasn't a person that Aki could see himself becoming involved with. But Ueno had really felt that they had started to make progress.

Brooding wasn't Ueno's style. He was pretty agreeable, and even in bad situations, he was normally clearheaded and sometimes even remained cheerful, but he couldn't shake the cold feeling that had come over him.

Then he had run away from Aki like a kid who had been told they couldn't have a cookie, or even worse, like his teenage sister when their parents told her she couldn't go to a party or couldn't get yet another new pair of jeans. Ueno had always shaken his head as she would stomp off towards her bedroom in tears. No matter how Ueno looked at it, his fleeing had been childish.

What was he supposed to do tomorrow? How was he supposed to behave? Should he avoid Aki entirely, or should he apologize for his behavior? Ueno shook his head, even though he was alone and no one could see him. He hadn't misbehaved, so he was confident he wasn't obligated to apologize for anything, unless acting out of hurt feelings was punishable.

His head was so full of what ifs and random anxious ramblings that he didn't hear his name being called or the thudding of rapidly approaching footsteps on the cold pavement until the source was directly behind him. Suddenly aware and alarmed, he whirled around.

Ueno couldn't find his voice. His mouth fell open, and he simply stared as Aki braced his hands on his knees, fighting to catch his breath.

"Didn't you hear me calling you?"

"Uh- uh uh." Ueno managed to answer. While floored at the reality that Aki had ran after him, he was more focused on the state of Aki's hair. It was spiked in several places, and Ueno knew that couldn't have been intentional. "What are you doing?" He really didn't want to see Aki now, not until he had his thoughts and emotions under control. He wasn't confident that he would able to handle what Aki was about to say, and he was afraid that he was too frazzled at this point to be able to carry on a logical, adult conversation. He also couldn't ensure that he would be calm enough to speak without saying something hurtful or harsh.

Aki took a deep breath and expelled it slowly before standing up straight. "I wanted to apologize to you."

"I understand. I'm not sure what you're apologizing for, but it's okay. We both have to get up early for class tomorrow, so I'd better get home and rest. I'll see you." Ueno turned to leave, pleased that he'd managed to get that out in an even tone of voice.

Aki didn't move. Of course Ueno wasn't being truthful, but true to his nature, he wasn't making a fuss or resorting to hurtful words. Even so, Aki couldn't leave things this way. "Ueno, stop."

Ueno stopped. "Why?"

"Turn around. Please." Aki didn't try to disguise the pleading quality in his voice. He needed Ueno to understand, and he was beyond attempting to save face.

Ueno heaved a sigh, but turned to face him. "Fine. Go ahead."

Aki clasped his hands together, not sure where to start. He hadn't formulated an explanation on the way. He had been too focused on finding Ueno, and as a result, hadn't thought about what he wanted to say. "First, you didn't do anything wrong this weekend. You haven't done anything wrong at all. You've been wonderful to me; I don't see how you could think any differently."

Ueno's expression didn't change, but he remained where he was, listening intently.

"I… would never hurt you on purpose. But I'm no good at caring for anyone else, and tonight, I know I did hurt you. I'm so sorry. I know you're wondering why I didn't tell you the truth on Saturday when you told me where you would be working, and why I left the way I did." Aki closed his eyes briefly, composing his thoughts before continuing.

"I don't have a reason for the way I acted other than I was in shock at first, and I didn't want you to know that your boss was my father. But it has nothing to do with you."

Ueno crossed his arms. "Why didn't you want me to know? Did you think I'd tell him what happened between us? Or.. or are you thinking that your dad won't like me? That I'd embarrass you?"

"None of that. I can't explain. But I do have my reasons. You did nothing wrong. You couldn't." Aki locked eyes with Ueno and smiled. It was the same sad smile Aki had given him the first time they had met, when Aki had thanked him, right before Ueno bolted from his master's apartment. It was a smile that made Ueno very uncomfortable.

Ueno wasn't reassured by the apology. If anything, he felt worse. This feeling- it reminded him of how he normally felt right before puking. "Why do I feel like you're about to tell me something I don't want to hear?"

Aki's smiled faltered. "Because I am, probably. I don't want to say it any more than you probably want to hear it, but I need to do it anyway. But before I did that, I needed to make sure you understand that you have no involvement in my reasons. I'm not embarrassed by you, or anything like that. But.. it's better that this happens now, before I-I get any more attached to you."

"What the hell do you mean?" Ueno asked, each word carefully and slowly pronounced. That feeling in the pit of his stomach was worsening. He didn't think he even wanted to know what Aki was hedging at, but hinting was no good; he had to ask.

Aki's voice was quiet, but steady. "I may be presumptuous in saying this, but I feel like on Saturday, we moved past friendship toward... toward more. So... I have to end this. Us."