Disclaimer: I'm just a geeky fangirl. I own nothing.


The Long Way Home: Chapter 8

This couldn't be the end, not when they'd barely begun. How could Ueno forget something- someone- that was responsible for changing their entire life?

Over the course of nearly three weeks, Ueno had become a different person. Sure, he was the same on the outside, but his thought processes were completely altered. He felt more sensitive and aware, more positive, more open. He'd experienced a series of emotions, which had shown themselves, only to disappear and return in random patterns that he couldn't explain, nor did he wish to. They resulted in him feeling more alive than he could ever remember.

How could Ueno erase or conclude the last three weeks of his life? It wasn't possible to forget the way they had met, the feel of Aki's lithe body pressed snugly against his, the sensation of his soft hair threaded between his fingers. It would take more than pure will power to forget when he was able to make Aki smile, or the smooth, low timbre of his velvety voice.

Moreover, Ueno wanted to forget as much as he wanted to slice off one of his own limbs.

"What?" Ueno hands dropped to his hips. "How am I supposed to forget? Should I quit my job, transfer schools?"

Aki had no reply. He stared at Ueno helplessly, his eyes pleading with him to try and understand.

Ueno, realizing he wasn't going to receive answer, continued to speak. "If that's what you wanted, then why talk to me every day? Why did you come over last weekend? Why did you let me kiss you? And why did you kiss me back?"

The truth was that Aki knew that Ueno's confusion was well founded. He wasn't being unfair or unreasonable. Aki had been wrong to develop any further relationship with the dark-haired man, knowing that one day he was going to call an end to it. Yet, Aki had sat with him daily, allowing himself to enjoy their time together. While mindful of the fact that their relationship could never rise to another level, Aki still indulged himself. The logical move would have been to stay away from Ueno completely.

Aki felt guilt wash over him, because the only reason he hadn't left Ueno alone was simply because he hadn't wanted to. He'd greedily tried to soak up as much time with Ueno as possible, knowing that one day he would no longer have the option. He spoke without thinking. He should have told Ueno that yes, it was what he wanted. But instead, he blurted out the truth.

"It's not what I want!" Aki was dangerously close to tears, and he couldn't remember the last time he had actually cried. Why couldn't Ueno understand? Aki ran a hand through his hair, agitation making the motion shaky. "But-"

"Then why are you telling me it's over?" Ueno took a step backward. "Was this fun for you?"

"Fun?" Aki narrowed his eyes, glaring at Ueno suspiciously.

"Was it fun for you to make me care about you and then tell me that there's no way? Was it fun for me to start to think that.." Ueno trailed off, and scrubbed a hand over his face roughly, at a temporary loss for words.

"To think what?"

Ueno didn't answer immediately. He lifted a hand and pinched the bridge of his nose, a sure sign that he was conflicted. Aki waited patiently while Ueno gained his control.

When he did speak, his voice had lowered, and there was a note of resignation that made Aki's heart ache.

"To think that it may have been possible for us to…" Ueno trailed off again. "It doesn't even matter, does it? It's not as if we were together. Maybe I'm stupid and expected too much. I just wish I hadn't had to figure it out this way."

Something in Aki broke. He heard the snap. He never would have imagined that he'd be having this type of conversation with Ueno- in the street no less- but here they were. They had already come this far. Aki supposed it was useless to try to keep all of his emotions in now, especially for the sole sake of appearance.

"But we should be! And we can't!"

Ueno jumped a little at the elevation of volume in Aki's voice. It wasn't something that he was used to. Aki always spoke softly, almost lazily, just like his movements. Until he had shouted at his father, Ueno hadn't been aware that it was possible for Aki to lose his temper.

"Do you want to know why I want to stay away from you?" Aki didn't pause; he didn't want an answer anyway. "Because my father has a big mouth. Because I've done a lot of things you won't approve of or even understand. Because I'd rather have you dislike me now instead of later when it'll be harder for me to deal with."

Ueno eyes widened. "I could never hate you, Aki. What are you talking about?"

"You have no idea of how you'd feel."

Ueno wanted to punch something; he hated it when people tried to tell him how he'd react, when someone attempted to predict his own thought process, morals, and logic. "Well, neither do you! You've got me so well figured out that you know how I'll feel about everything? Then explain why I haven't run away after how we met? Come up with a good reason for that!"

"There are things that I can never talk about- to anyone." Aki slumped against a lamp post, attempting to slow his breathing. "Ueno, I like you a lot, but I'm screwed up, and I've messed up enough people already."

"Let me make sure I understand this." Ueno said slowly. "You didn't want me to know that you lived here, and that my boss is your father, because you were afraid he'd tell me something about you that you wanted to keep a secret?"

"Sort of." Aki pushed himself off the post, standing straight. "My father doesn't know everything, but he knows enough to be dangerous. He may say something to you that sounds odd."

"So is that how you plan to exist from now on? Make no friends? Cut people off the minute they try to get to know you or run into your family?" Ueno stepped forward, until only mere inches separated them. "You'll never be happy that way."

"I know." Aki answered bluntly. "I made some stupid choices before, and that's why I have to make this choice now. We can't be together."

"So you're going to make that decision for me too?"

"I have to."

"Your argument is ridiculous. What's wrong with you? Is torturing yourself like this some kind of hobby?" Ueno reached out and grasped Aki by his forearms. He leaned forward until their noses almost brushed. His eyes met Aki's and the light-haired man found it impossible to break the gaze. "Screw that. No."

Aki tilted his head to the side and blinked at Ueno uncomprehendingly. "What?"

"I said no." Ueno spoke simply at first, but his next words were slow and deliberate. "When I met you, I did think your situation was strange, obviously. Who wouldn't? But after I left you there, I couldn't stop thinking about you, no matter how hard I tried. And believe me; I tried hard, because I didn't think I'd ever see you again."

Aki stared at him, his heart again pounding crazily just below the surface. And just maybe, deep down, he was a little relieved that Ueno was putting up a fight, that he cared enough to do it. He just gazed into Ueno's usually kind, but currently incensed eyes and listened, entranced.

"I wondered whether you were going to be okay. I wanted to know whether or not you thought about me afterward, even though you didn't know me. And then all of a sudden, you showed up out of nowhere. Then, I wondered how you got hurt the way you did, and if he hurt you like that all the time. But I didn't ask, because I didn't want to get into your business, and I was worried that if I did, you would stop talking to me. And you came to me every day. Maybe I was stupid for thinking that since you did that, that you were interested, but what else was I supposed to think? If you weren't interested, then why did you come to me at all?"

Ueno released his hold on Aki's arms and took a step back. But he wasn't done.

"Not once did I even think of passing judgment on you because of how we met. I tried to act normally around you, but I was always trying to figure out what you were thinking, and why you would hang around someone like me when we're so different. But whatever your reason was, I was glad that you did. I don't care about how I found you that day, I don't care that you're a guy, and I don't care about your past."

Aki sighed and tried again. "Maybe you were feeling attached because of what happened. That doesn't me-"

Ueno scowled. "Stop! I am so tired of everyone thinking they know me so well. Yeah, I like helping people, and I'd never done anything real crazy until I'd met you, but I wasn't raised in a cage. I don't expect insane perfection from anyone." He raised his hand to rub his face again, but stopped as Aki shut his eyes and ever so slightly, flinched. It was so subtle, almost as if Aki had caught himself and stifled the reaction.

Ueno immediately dropped his hand, and gaped at Aki in astonishment. Had Aki actually been fearful that Ueno would hurt him? He had never raised a hand to Aki before. He'd been in his fair share of arguments and somewhat painful displays of boyish shenanigans, but he had never been violent. But Aki didn't know that, apparently. He was briefly reminded of the day Aki had appeared before his eyes on campus, and of the injuries he had sustained.

"Did you think I was going to hit you?"

Aki would never have taken Ueno as the type to strike someone, but Ueno was agitated, and some people that weren't prone to violence became heavy handed when they were upset. In addition, they were standing so close that all Aki had been able to see was a blur out of the corner of his eye and had reacted naturally. "Reflex." Aki replied tiredly. "It comes with the territory. Do you see what I mean now? I'm really screwed up."

Ueno sighed. "I get it; we're different, okay? But I don't care. I've never fantasized about us holding hands and skipping, of going out for coffee and study dates, and I've never imagined that your life was anything like mine. I want to know you as you are. But I'll accept what you're saying, as long as you honestly don't want to try. Is that true?"

Aki bowed his head. "No."

"I can accept that you have a past that you can't tell me about right now or you want to try and forget. I hope someday you'll just know that there's nothing you can't tell me, but I won't pressure you. Do you understand what I'm telling you?"

"Yes." Aki's confidence in his decision was being to waver. Somewhere in his head, he had been constructing a small building, bricks rooted in place by cement that represented reasons why Ueno would be better off without him, his own doubts, and particular offenses Aki had committed in the past that he couldn't seem to let go of.

Thanks to Ueno's persistence, the cement was no longer holding, and the bricks were loosening. The guy was a wrecking ball.

"Do you really want me gone? If you do, I'll leave you alone." Ueno's gambling had paid off so far, so he swallowed his fear and asked Aki what he wanted as directly as possible. Even if Aki still wanted nothing to do with him, he wanted it spelled out for him. He didn't want to play around with uncertainties later, and he didn't want Aki to reconsider only because he felt bullied.

"No." Aki repeatedly whispered his response, and although it was quiet, there was a heartfelt honesty in it that told Ueno everything he needed to know. "No, no."

"Then what do you want, Aki? Be honest. If you didn't have any reason to be afraid, what would you do?"

Aki didn't answer at first, at least not verbally. He simply reached out with both hands, taking Ueno's gently. He took one step backward, then another, until Ueno was forced to follow in order to avoid releasing his hands.

"I'm cold. I want to go inside." And he wanted Ueno to come in with him. He needed to sit, to calm down, to see where the aftermath would carry them. Just maybe, a sweeter existence was possible. The anticipation gave him a lighter feeling than he'd ever remembered experiencing.

"Okay."

"Come with me."

"Alright." Ueno agreed softy, without argument. It was getting late, and he should be heading back to his apartment, but leaving so soon after clearing the air didn't seem wise. They needed some time to cool down and talk before he left, or else the following day would be weird. Impulsively, he tightened his grip on Aki's fingers and tugged the other man forward, folding his arms around Aki carefully.

Aki returned the hug without a second thought. He locked his arms around Ueno's neck and clung to him. The dramatic dip of his stress level left him reeling, and his holding Ueno was as much an attempt to remain standing as it was a gesture of affection. They could hug, touch. Maybe soon, another kiss would be in the cards.

Aki was in awe of Ueno's strength, his determination. He had expected confusion and maybe initial anger, but he had never anticipated Ueno becoming so adamant, had never expected Ueno to fight him. He liked that side of Ueno as much as he liked his usual serene side. It proved to make their interactions that much more interesting now that he knew Ueno could be just as unpredictable as Aki himself. It had drawn their conflict to a surprisingly quick close. Of course, Aki hadn't been all that invested in ending things, anyway.

He had been unfair in assuming that Ueno would automatically become repulsed by the truth. If nothing else, Ueno had proven to be very laid back, and despite the fact that he hadn't seemed very worldly or experienced, he was extremely accepting. He couldn't help but wonder if those with naiveté like Ueno actually had the advantage over everyone else. Aki had almost pushed him away without giving him a chance to rise to the occasion. If anyone would exceed Aki's expectations, it would definitely be Ueno.

Aki smiled gently against Ueno's shoulder. "I'm impressed. I had no idea you were so stubborn. You're usually so relaxed." Fighting with Ueno proved to be a useless act. Aki sighed, closing his eyes and accepting the situation with finality. It was comforting, in a way, to stop fighting. As he released his breath, he felt the lingering remnants of tension dissipating, and he relaxed into the hug, a wave of contentment washing over him. "Well, you win; I give up."

Ueno honestly had no idea where he had gotten the courage to challenge Aki either. It was almost as if in his panicked state, someone else had taken over. He knew he cared for Aki, but he hadn't realized how deep his feelings ran until he faced the very real threat of never seeing him again. He still didn't understand what those feelings were exactly, but if they never spoke again, Ueno would never find out.

He found himself questioning how differently things would have ended up if he had never run into Aki tonight. If he and Aki's father hadn't wound up standing in that hallway when Aki came to the door, what conclusions would Aki have eventually made? If the truth hadn't come to light, Aki would still be agonizing over the inevitability of their meeting. Ueno was actually grateful, because he predicted that if this confrontation hadn't taken place, Aki would still have eventually pushed him away, and Ueno may not have been able to stop him.

Ueno regained his cheery demeanor and grinned, retaliating quickly. "I didn't know I was either. I have no idea where that came from. And I never thought I'd see you out in public like this. You're usually so careful about your appearance."

"Like what?"

"Like this." The hand pressed against the small of Aki's back crept upward, until his fingers were sifting through Aki's soft hair. "You look like you stuck your finger in a light socket. You haven't brushed your hair, have you?"

Inwardly horrified at the thought, Aki still laughed, a real laugh, one Ueno had never heard before. "I had more important things to worry about. Is it that bad?"

"Oh yeah; it looks kind of punky. I think I like it, though. It makes you look a little more human and a little less like a superstar. But let's go before someone else sees it."

Ueno slowly released the other man, but Aki claimed one of Ueno's hands, and began tugging him in the opposite direction, one that would take them back to the hotel.

Aki was content to walk in silence, his hand folded in Ueno's; even at their sedate pace, they only had a few blocks to clear. They could talk once they got back to his apartment.

Ueno had one more thing to say right then, however. As they made their way down the sidewalk, he growled, "You're so buying me lunch to make up for this. And some cheap, overcooked school lunch won't cut it, either. I get to pick the place, and I'm ordering something stupid expensive."

Aki chuckled, not feeling put upon in the slightest. "How is that fair? You bought me school lunch."

"You asked for school lunch." Ueno grunted. "Plus, I was unemployed at the time. Don't try telling me you can't afford it, either. I know who your dad is now, and he's loaded."