Disclaimer: I'm just a geeky fangirl that likes to play around; I own nothing.
The Long Way Home: Chapter 15
There were two warring thoughts bouncing around within Ueno's cranial cavity as he turned to face Aki, watching as he slammed the door shut behind them- hard.
The first was that Aki was clearly angry. That thought called forth a small amount of fear. The second thought was that Aki, always gorgeous, was quite possibly even more attractive while incensed. That thought was threatening to call forth something else.
Ueno didn't speak. That was the funny thing about being intoxicated; Ueno volleyed between two separate thought processes. One was sober, looking down at the situation from a safe location. The other was the tongue tied awkward idiot the alcohol insisted he become. He retained his common sense, because the sensible side of him advised him against doing things that were obviously unwise. The problem was that the second side didn't always listen, but he was indeed mindful of both sides.
The sensible side was telling him not to speak until Aki did. The stupid side was fearful of Aki's reaction. Since both thought processes were telling him to keep his trap shut, he had no issues doing so. As Aki stalked past him, through the living room into the bedroom, Ueno remained where he was. He heard the bathroom door slam, and then running water.
Ueno dropped to the couch, tilting his head back against the cushions. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply to calm his nerves. Why did people have to pay for the choices of others? If Aki had been standing there long enough, he would have known as much. He hadn't done anything wrong.
Well, not much. Except for leaving with the girl and sitting with her in Aki's presence, all the while ignoring Aki the best that he could. And for not simply pushing her away.
"Shit, shit, shit." Ueno groaned.
The running water stopped, and Ueno sat quietly, waiting for what was coming, whatever it was. Having never fought with Aki before, this was all new. Did Aki yell or throw things?
He heard the bathroom door open, but after a few minutes of tense anticipation, Aki didn't appear. Ueno wondered if he had simply went to bed, but cast away the thought when the stomping resumed. He surmised that Aki was probably changing his clothes.
Did Aki drink coffee? Ueno had never recalled Aki drinking anything but water or tea- and alcohol, as of today, but rose unsteadily to his feet and teetered to the kitchen to check anyway. He did find the necessary supplies, and set out preparing some coffee for both of them. Ueno didn't drink it, but figured they could both use it tonight. He set the coffee maker before returning to the living area.
When Aki still hadn't appeared even after the coffee finished brewing, he contemplated poking his head into the bedroom to check on his boyfriend, but the sensible side of him immediately told him to continue waiting in the living room.
Ueno sat again, and after a moment, turned to recline on the couch. Closing his eyes, he realized that if he remained as he was, he would definitely be asleep in a matter of minutes. However, since Aki showed no signs of coming out to talk to him, he decided it really didn't matter and closed his eyes.
They would talk in the morning, or whenever the two of them woke for the day. The couch wasn't ideal for sleeping, but Ueno didn't mind. He sure as hell wasn't setting foot in the bedroom and he didn't trust himself to walk home yet. Lying down in general felt so good that he almost moaned as he stretched out. His breathing evened, the tension in his body easing in tiny increments.
Then he was startled back to wakefulness. The pillow that cushioned his head disappeared from underneath him.
"You're sleeping?"
Ueno sighed. They were talking now, it seemed.
It was more difficult than anticipated, raising himself back into a seated position, but he did it slowly. Aki stood next to the arm of the couch, clutching the pillow in his pale fingers, eyes sparking.
"I thought you went to bed."
"I was waiting for you to come in." Aki said, matter-of-factly.
"And I was out here waiting for you."
"I'm mad at you," Aki said, eyes narrowing, "so you're supposed to come to me."
It would be difficult refuting that type of logic, especially tonight. Aki dropped onto the couch next to him, and Ueno inched as far away as possible, but a couple of scoots brought him to the end of the seat, and not nearly far enough away for comfort.
Aki watched quietly, rolling his eyes. "So you're scared of me now?" He took a deep breath before speaking again. "What did I tell you about her?"
"Your cousin?" Ueno raised his eyes skyward, deep in thought. "To always share my food with her."
Aki swung the arm not holding the pillow backward, and then let it fly, striking Ueno across the back of the head.
"Oww! Come on!"
"Are you making fun of me?"
"No." Ueno gingerly examined the back of his head. Aki had smacked the area that was already smarting from earlier in the evening. After Aki had been so cautious of that spot earlier when he'd been checking for injuries, why would he disregard those injuries now?
"If we're on the subject of sharing, though, let me point out that I didn't tell you to share everything with her, especially not your tongue."
"She kissed me, not the other way around! What did you want me to do?"
Aki's fingers tightened on the pillow, his knuckles growing even whiter. "How about telling her to stop? How about moving away? How about staying here like you were supposed to? Do you just go along with anything that someone does to you? What else did I tell you about her? What did everyone tell you about her?"
Ueno rubbed his temples. "That she's a.. whore."
Ueno must still be flying high or he'd never have used that particular word, but Aki didn't bother correcting him. "Exactly. Knowing that, I can't believe that you messed with her- and right in front of me." Aki tossed the pillow aside.
"Messed with her? Are you kidding? We were sitting with your parents. And the only reason I even showed up with her was because she came to get me and told me that you had left with Mira. How long did you wait after I fell asleep to run off with him?" Ueno hadn't realized he was this angry, but as long as Aki was pointing fingers, he could do the same.
"He was telling me about your little conversation- which you never mentioned to me. And when you two disappear, I find you up here. Were you going to invite her in?"
"No!" Ueno's reply was immediate. "She asked, and I said no."
Aki's glare was frightening. "So instead, you decided to fool around outside my apartment?" He leaned close. "When she traps you, I will not wait around for you to play with me when you feel like it, and I won't babysit your little snotty-nosed, water-headed love children. I'm not letting them call me uncle, taking them shopping, nothing!"
"Love children? Are you crazy?" There was the yelling Ueno had wondered about. Ueno jumped to his feet, which was more difficult than normal, and then paused. "Water-headed?"
"Have you seen the size of her head?" It appeared that Aki was past logic.
"I didn't kiss her." Ueno ground out the words. "You know I wouldn't do that to you. I'd have dumped you first."
Aki's eyes widened exponentially. "What? So, you want to dump me now?"
"That's not what I meant!" The stupid, drunk side had reared its ugly head. "I just meant that if I'd really wanted her, I wouldn't cheat on you, or anyone."
"Well, thanks for not cheating on me." Aki replied, sarcasm apparent. "But you didn't discourage her. That's the same as an invitation." Aki stood as well, voice lowering to a normal, familiar level.
"Oh, be reasonable!" Ueno snapped. "Did I not discourage her the same way you didn't discourage Mira? How is the way you handled things any better, especially since you been… with him before? At least I tried to fight him off!"
Aki was stunned into silence; he looked away as the sudden turning of tables knocked the wind out of his sails.
Ueno wasn't done anyway. He began pacing rapidly along the carpeting behind the couch, for the first time truly angry- pissed, even. In his anger, his speech was clearer, despite the fact that his motions were shaky and unsure.
"I didn't ask her to follow me around all night. I didn't ask her to come up here and invite me out, although I'm glad she did, or I never would have known that you were already out with him." Ueno rounded the couch. "I didn't ask her to come on to me or for her to kiss me. I didn't ask to put on Mira's bad side, or for him to tell me what I'm lacking and exactly why I'm all wrong for you. And I sure as hell didn't ask to be sexually assaulted by your boyfriend!"
Aki shook his head, hands on his hips. "I find it strange that when my cousin kisses you, it's just a kiss, but with Mira, it's assault. It seems as if you find her behavior more acceptable than his." Aki didn't want to admit it, but the possibility scared him. He was positive Ueno hadn't been with a man before him; maybe Aki was just a phase and Ueno couldn't ever be truly serious about a guy.
"Fine! How's this? They both mouth raped me, and it sucked both times!" Ueno stopped pacing, clenching his fists. "I'm going home to get some peace. I can't do anything wrong from there."
On the last of his reserve of adrenaline, Ueno stumbled into Aki's bedroom, heading for his overnight bag. He lifted it, jerking the zipper shut without double checking for its contents, and then jammed his arm through the strap. Almost immediately, warmth from behind made him pause. Aki slid his arms around Ueno's rib cage, holding him from behind.
"Okay." Aki whispered.
"Okay, what?" Though his heart wasn't in it, he struggled briefly to remain irritable. "Let go."
Aki ignored the order and hugged him tightly; his chest pressed to Ueno's back, his nose nuzzling the nape of his neck. "I know you didn't ask for it, but that doesn't help; it still made me angry. I'm sorry. I know it sounds stupid, but I was never good at sharing. I thought that maybe because she was a girl-"
He stopped abruptly. That was a whole other can of worms he wasn't mentally equipped to argue about right now. He wasn't ready to voice that concern. He used one hand to pull the bag from Ueno's shoulder, tossing it back to a familiar rightful location, which was on the floor next to the dresser.
He inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly, repeating the action until Ueno calmed and his hands crept upward to cover Aki's. "It's not stupid. I don't want to share you either." Ueno meant what he said, but blushed at having to vocalize it.
"I'm so tired." Ueno's tone was pitiful, and it made Aki smile. "My head hurts and I'm dizzy." Tension and adrenaline waning, Ueno felt drained again, wooziness returning.
Aki turned him, and facing each other, he took in Ueno's frown, sleepy eyes, and bedraggled appearance. "Let's go to sleep and finish fighting in the morning." Aki sounded more reasonable now, but he was feeling the effects, though not as strongly as his boyfriend. He anticipated his rest just as badly as Ueno. Neither of them had really resolved anything, but that was fine with him- for now.
"If we have to. You're really hot when you're mad; I just don't want you mad at me." It was scary arguing with an individual that didn't have to yell or curse to get their point across; Aki's voice lowered even more, and the softly spoken words were forbidding enough.
Aki let out a small laugh. "Thank you, then. Do you want to shower? You'll probably sleep better afterward." He already knew the answer, but he wasn't positive Ueno could safely take one alone. "Can you handle it?"
"Yeah. I'll be okay." Ueno yawned.
Aki provided him with some towels and Ueno thanked him, polite boy that he was. "Be careful."
"Okay." Ueno said obediently. He jumped at the sound of more knocking on the door. "Who would come to your apartment this late? What time is it, anyway?"
Aki sighed. Even for a Friday night, it was well past his bedtime. "It's after three. But everyone else is still awake, so at least for tonight, this is normal. I'll get it."
Ueno retreated to the bathroom, and Aki made his way to the door. Seeing no one outside, he opened the door to peer down the hallway, which was empty. The only evidence of a visitor was a small cardboard box, taped heavily.
Aki picked it up and carried it inside, shutting and bolting the door behind him. He hadn't anticipated anyone dropping off any gifts. Most of his family had simply given him birthday cards, the majority of them including money. Perhaps it was something his mother had dropped off for him, but it wasn't decorated in her customary fashion, so Aki didn't think it was likely.
Aki took the box with him to his bedroom and perched on the edge of the bed, wanting to be able to hear Ueno shower in case he called for help.
Ueno didn't take longer than necessary; minutes later, Aki heard him shut off the water, sounds indicating he was brushing his teeth, and a few minutes after that, he opened the door, fully dressed in his customary sleeping attire.
Aki jumped to his feet, slipping past him. "My turn. Then we'll go to bed." He'd showered already that day, but after crawling around on the floor, getting clean was necessary.
Ueno began toweling his hair. "Okay." Sleep had never sounded so good to him before. Putting the day behind them, he'd probably be able to laugh about the night's events later. He waited, eyes barely open, for Aki to finish with his shower. Aki was a bit lazier in his movements than Ueno, not feeling the need to rush through anything, but Ueno sat patiently, not wanting to retire without him.
The small box caught his attention, and he leaned over Aki's side, snagging it from the floor and setting it on the bed. A birthday gift? Another delivery from his mom? It couldn't be something Aki had ordered. He hadn't noticed it before, so it must have been the reason for the visitor. Besides, there was no mailing label.
Aki showered in record time for once, and Ueno was still sitting in bed, staring at the mysterious package when he emerged from the bathroom, dressed for bed and drying his own hair.
"What's this?"
"I have no idea what it is; someone left it outside." Aki sat next to Ueno. "Open it."
"I can't do that." Ueno yawned again. "It's for you, not me."
"It's fine."
Curiosity got the best of him, and he started to peel the tape back while Aki went into the living room to douse the lights. Opening the lid, he blinked at the contents in confusion. His addled brain wasn't equipped to properly process what lay within the mounds of tissue paper.
"Well?" Aki re-joined him. "It was too heavy and made too much noise to be underwear, so what is it? Ueno?"
Ueno stared, open mouthed, into the box before reaching inside and presenting Aki with the first item.
Aki dropped his towel, stumbling to the bed. "Oh." He took the leather padded blindfold with both hands while Ueno delved into the box again, producing a set of double locking handcuffs in one hand and a rhinestone studded collar in the other.
Ueno dropped both items before reaching inside yet again. He examined a bottle, reading the label and muttering to himself before tossing it onto the bed.
Aki was at a loss. There was no point in stopping Ueno now. He watched as Ueno turned the box upside down, emptying all of the contents onto the comforter. He picked up each item, examining it carefully. Aki noticed that while Ueno appeared mystified, he wasn't disgusted, at least. The only toy that truly distressed Ueno was the leather dildo harness, which he dropped quickly back into the box.
Aki was torn between shame and anger. He didn't have to think hard to determine who had left it; cards and labels weren't necessary. He'd been given a small blessing, as the giver hadn't shown his face at the party, but it was inevitable that Aki would hear from him. The man had to let Aki know he still existed, to remind Aki of where he'd been. He wondered if Ueno would be able to come to the same conclusion. He met Ueno's gaze, his expression helpless.
Ueno swallowed audibly. "Nice gifts. Is it okay to ask who they're from?"
Aki gave him that sad smile that Ueno hadn't seen in weeks. "Who do you think sent them?"
Ueno grasped the handle of an unfamiliar tool between his fingers. "I'd love to assume they're from Mira as some kind of joke, but even though I just met him I don't think this is his style."
"No."
"I don't need any more guesses."
Ueno didn't question him further, but Aki felt it obvious by his expression that he got the point loud and clear.
"He just wanted to upset you, right? I didn't know you still.. kept in touch with him."
"That was his intent, I'm sure. I don't keep in touch with him, but he does know where I live. He always will." Aki spoke honestly.
Ueno actually laughed. Aki raised his head, confused by the sound. "If you actually used this stuff, it would be like a kick in the nuts, huh? He wouldn't expect it."
Aki felt unease creep up on him as Ueno switched gears.
Ueno set the box on the floor, and began sifting through all of Aki's new gear. Some he left on the bed, while most of it was tossed back into the box. "How would a guy even put something like this on? And, hey, why would a man need a strap on in the first place?" His confusion was amusing.
Aki couldn't help it. He smiled. "You've never seen him naked." He didn't explain further, merely watching as Ueno threw toy after toy back into the box; the ball gag, nipple clamps and chain, leather lead and riding crop, among others.
"Well, we aren't using it."
"Of course we aren't." Aki tiled his head, bemused. Ueno wasn't in need of any assistance down below.
"Come here." Ueno gathered the bounty that survived his first round of eliminations in one arm and scooted backward until he was seated at the head of the bed and beckoned with his free hand. Aki scooted forward until they were both facing the other, their knees touching lightly.
Ueno dropped his few items into his lap, thinking carefully before selecting one. "Okay, let's start with this one."
Aki gaped, but quickly closed his mouth before he tainted his perfect image. "What are we starting? And why are we starting it with that?"
Ueno held up the studded paddle, his expression akin to the look of a child discovering a new game. "Roll over, will you?"
Aki shook his head vehemently. "I don't think so. Those studs are metal. If you use that wrong, it hurts, Ueno."
"But the other side is flat. Isn't that the point of the thing anyway? You're no fun." Ueno sulked for a quick moment, putting the paddle down and selecting something different. "Let's use this, then."
Am I drunk enough for this? Aki wasn't feeling free enough to enjoy himself without the slightest bit of worry, but he quickly lost his train of thought as Ueno leaned toward him. The suede falls of the flogger danced from side to side as he rotated his wrist.
Aki sputtered as Ueno underestimated his reach and he caught a mouthful of suede. "Ueno, be careful."
Ueno handed Aki the flogger. "You should show me how to use it, then."
Aki took it, but didn't move any closer. He wrapped his slender fingers around the handle and gazed at it thoughtfully. It was a well-made instrument, the handle a blend of red and black suede braided together with matching falls, and he couldn't help but to rotate his own wrist, watching the falls move rhythmically. Even if his master was brazen enough to send this type of gift, he wasn't tacky enough to purchase it cheap. "Ueno, I hope you understand that just because you found me in a rather embarrassing position doesn't mean that I'm an authority on these things."
"No?" Ueno asked stupidly. "You don't know how to use them?"
"We never actually used all of this stuff. He sent most of it to be a jerk. And I never got to use them- they were used on me."
"Did you like it?"
"Not really." Aki looked away. "I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with them if they're used correctly. But the people involved are supposed to be in agreement and trust each other. Rules are set before they begin, they test everything out to find out what's acceptable, and have safe words. It wasn't like that for me, because I never agreed to the relationship."
"Oh." Ueno mumbled. He flushed, hands on his knees.
"Don't be embarrassed." Aki leaned over, dropping the flogger into the box. "Considering the way we met, you had every right to assume that this was an everyday thing for me." This conversation, while short, was exhausting. "But it's not. If you're curious, you can always ask me. I'll answer you if I can."
Ueno stared at his hands as Aki gathered some of the remaining toys and tossed them aside. "Sorry."
"You don't need to apologize." Aki felt at fault for the sudden somber mood, but as his eyes focused on a few of the remaining gifts lying forgotten on the comforter, he was struck with an idea. He was tired, and not in complete control of his common sense, but he see didn't how using those could cause either one of them any bodily harm, even for an unskilled individual.
He reached for one, examining it before tossing it into Ueno's lap. "You know how to use that, don't you?"
Ueno's eyes widened. "Um.. yeah. Self explanatory."
Aki smiled. "Wonderful." He picked up the other, and put a finger to his lips, not sure of the best way to start.
Ueno was pensive, but didn't shy away as Aki balanced himself on his knees, leaning forward. He closed his eyes at the gentle, soft pressing of lips against his, jerking slightly when he felt the coolness of fingers as Aki took hold of his t-shirt hem.
Aki moved back a fraction. "Do you want to stop?"
"N-No." As Aki pulled on the thin cotton, urging it up, Ueno raised his arms. Aki tugged the t-shirt over Ueno's head, dropping it carelessly behind him. He prepared to begin his onslaught, but had to stop for a moment and simply look.
"What?" Ueno asked slowly. "Somethin' wrong?"
"Nothing." Aki returned, rosiness highlighting his cheekbones. "I've never seen you like this, that's all."
"Like what?"
"Without a shirt." It was Aki's turn for bashfulness.
"Come on." Ueno shifted restlessly. "We've done -"
"We have, but you were fully dressed. All I've ever seen is your-" Aki interrupted. "I only saw what was necessary."
Ueno took his word for it; he wasn't having any success backtracking through his memories. "Sorry."
"You apologize too much, and for things you have no control over."
"I'm still sorry." Ueno pulled Aki to him, pressing the two of them lightly together. "I feel bad that you're stuck with such a kid sometimes. I'm so slow."
Refusing acknowledgement of his words, Aki sought his mouth again, pulling back only when Ueno, recovering from his embarrassment, slowly began to divest Aki of his upper clothing as well.
He waited patiently until Ueno gave his shirt the same treatment, and then leaned back in for another kiss. Aki endured the uncontrollable shiver that ran through him at the sensation of skin on skin contact for the first time ever.
One moment he was straining upward. The next, he found himself pushing Ueno flat onto his back against the pillows. Ueno consented without any argument, allowing himself to fall onto the cool, soft bedding.
"I thought I'd ruined our sexy time." Ueno spoke, his words slow and hushed.
Aki warmed as the uncertainty in Ueno's gaze was replaced by an enamored glow he'd never witnessed before and in lieu of an actual answer, Ueno wrapped both hands around the smooth skin of his neck and slowly pulled him down the few inches that separated them.
It didn't seem odd to Aki that in spite of the way they'd met and the accessories that lay in the box next to them and scattered on the bed, that Ueno handled him so gently. It did surprise him, however, when Ueno pulled away too soon for Aki's liking.
A protest was on the tip of his tongue, but he held back. It was late, neither of them were in the appropriate frame of mind, and Ueno had to be feeling lousy. But he couldn't help experiencing a small amount of disappointment when Ueno wriggled out from underneath him.
His surprise turned to confusion. Ueno moved quietly, until he was kneeling behind Aki, and with a gentle hand to his shoulder, pushed him downward.
In complying, Aki ended up on his stomach, cheek pressed against the pillows. There was a faint rusting from behind, then heat enveloped him from his hips to his neck, but he closed his eyes and resisted an overpowering need to determine the source of the warmth.
Time stood still while Aki waited, until he was finally rewarded with a warm puff of air, followed by equally warm, soft lips. Aki forced himself to remain still, but a slight tingle rippled from the affected area, spreading quickly to his extremities.
Nudges matured to small kisses, small kisses to longer ones, and long, slow kisses to gentle swipes of the tongue and as Ueno gained confidence, his touches were less hurried, less experimental. His fingers moved comfortably over Aki's sides, applying light, languid strokes to the supple skin.
Aki found it difficult to simply lie still, and as he raised himself up his forearms, head bowed, he wondered who was really bent over him, working him into a feverish mess. Breathing heavily, his shivering uncontrollable, he wasn't sure of the role he was to assume. Being on the receiving end, while sweet, was unsettling.
The sudden lack of sensation, as well as the crackling of plastic that reached his ears interrupted his scattered thoughts, but his disorientation was short lived. Cool slickness, immediately followed by the slide of Ueno's fingertips brought him back to reality, and for once, his reality was more wonderful than his musings.
He relaxed his arms, his front pressed against the bed as Ueno's lips replaced his fingers, nuzzling and kissing their way over the expanse of skin until they reached the back of his neck. Aki had been biting his lip in an attempt to discourage any sounds from passing through, but now they did, unnoticed and uncensored.
With no mental command, he rotated his hips, grinding himself into the bedding once, as if his anatomy were impoverished. Fearing an embarrassing eventual outcome, Aki clenched his fists, words he intended to shout coming out as a whisper. "Stop."
Ueno heard him anyway. "Did I do something wrong?"
Aki groaned, burying his face in the pillows. "No," he said, his voice muffled. The major problem wasn't Ueno; it was the fact that he wasn't accustomed to this type of treatment, and he wouldn't be able to guarantee that he'd be able to maintain control. He needed no further stimulation. No, he was wary of further stimulation.
But they didn't have to stop, not if Ueno would allow Aki to revert to type. If he could take charge, they could continue without Aki losing all of his good sense and control, among other things.
Ueno moved back, allowing Aki to roll over and assume a seated position. He smiled weakly, reaching out with both hands, and Ueno paused before taking them his own. "Your turn."
He used his grip to urge Ueno to take his previous spot, and couldn't hold back his sigh of relief, as well as disappointment. The switch to a more familiar role was comforting, and he looked forward to giving Ueno the same treatment- and giving his own body a break.
As Ueno sank heavily to the mattress and Aki began to lovingly return the favor, which was much easier than accepting it, a question repeated itself over and over.
What's wrong with me?
In the end, as he watched Ueno's eyes close, Aki didn't know what was more surprising; Ueno's willingness to venture into the unknown, or the transition that Aki had himself experienced in his feelings towards his past life. Thankfully, Aki had been able to shed some of his reservations, and they had both enjoyed themselves.
One of his most prized birthday gifts hummed gently next to him, and he leaned over to turn off the aquarium lights, then the bedside lamp.
His less prized gifts sat disregarded in the box, pushed against the side of the bed. Aki didn't think that the view of them would be the cause of unease and fear any longer. He'd told the other that these were nothing to play with and shouldn't be used by someone inexperienced, but by the end of the night- or morning, in their case, they had ended up fishing out some of the toys. Although the way they proceeded was against the vision of the manufacturers, it had been amusing and healing. To laugh at his past instead of dread the reminders had been something Aki had not expected. To laugh in general was odd for him.
The entire night had been unexpected. Every single event had been a surprise, but the end result of all of those events had created the present. They rested close to one another, for once not clasping one another in search of sleep. Ueno breathed quietly, exhausted to his core, while Aki reclined near him, barely able to see his form in the dark. From the knee down, Ueno's extremities hung off the edge of the bed since as he was lying sideways, having been too tired to settle down properly. They were both sticky with quickly drying sweat, among other fluids, which was the main reason Aki wasn't attached to him.
He considered taking another shower, but was truly too spent, physically and otherwise, to drag himself out of bed to take one. Besides, the sheets would have to be washed, as well as Ueno. It made no sense to get clean and then climb back into bed.
As it turned out, Ueno had discovered that he didn't understand at all- and probably no longer wanted to by the end of the night. He didn't mind the paddle, but he didn't love it. The logic behind the appeal of a flogger confused him, and he hadn't quite gotten the hang of using it. Aki had been amused, but had managed to hold back on chuckling- until he had secured the nipple clamps, slipped, and accidentally tugged too hard on the attached chain.
Sure, Aki felt bad, but when he recalled Ueno's facial expression and the howl that tore from his throat, Aki had to physically hold back his laughter. After all, he had told Ueno that he wasn't an expert using toys, and neither of them had any experience with warming each other up, so Ueno hadn't been physically or mentally prepared for it and Aki wasn't confident he'd applied them properly. He'd quickly removed the little clamps- another a big mistake, and Ueno had snatched them from Aki's grip and thrown them back into the box as if they were a live, poisonous animal. Ueno sat there, massaging his reddened, sore skin, and Aki waited until Ueno had stopped whining before they were able to continue.
His eyelids were growing heavy, his vision foggy. His high had long worn off, but he didn't feel sick, thank goodness. Ueno would be another story. He'd use his memories of the night to remind him of what occurred while he was nursing Ueno back to health. He wasn't sure if his bedside manner would be adequate, but it was his self-appointed responsibility; he wouldn't allow anyone else to do it. He'd remember the foreign sighs and moans, awkward and gentle but impassioned touches, and Ueno's absolute willingness to learn as much about Aki as possible. He knew Ueno had no real interest in using his gifts to their full advantage; he'd only wanted to understand.
That alone made him smile in the darkened room. Despite all of the craziness, frustration, and overall weirdness that made his life what it was, he was most definitely happy. As he rested quietly and listened to Ueno's breathing, he realized the attachment he felt for the other was much more serious than he'd realized.
That attachment wasn't the same as what he'd felt towards his master or for Mira. He'd tolerated his master, and at some points in their long acquaintance even felt some affection, less so after they'd started living together. Sometimes, he'd felt a little pity along with it. He'd been attached to Mira because he knew that no matter what, Mira made him feel safe and protected. If only he'd allowed Mira to step forward in protest and tell the truth, there was a high probability he'd have never left home.
He reached out blindly until his fingers met Ueno's cheek, stroking it with a feather light touch. Ueno took care of him in every way possible. He felt more protected than he ever had before. With Ueno, he experienced every emotion available.
He felt sadness, because as much as he wanted to, now more than ever, he wasn't able to tell Ueno everything. He felt appreciation, because though Ueno knew Aki still had information he couldn't reveal, he accepted the possibility that he would never know all of the answers. He felt security, because Ueno was always close by, whether it was while they were both on campus, or while Aki was at home and Ueno was hard at work a few floors below. He felt hope, because they were always making some sort of progress, no matter how minute. He felt affection, because there were no greater moments than when Ueno smiled, laughed, or gently teased him. He felt fear, because Ueno clearly underestimated his own worth and didn't understand his appeal to others. He felt happiness, because Ueno had the gift of making Aki laugh, which wasn't something he often did. Ueno turned negatives to positives, uncertainties to contentment, and wrongs to right.
At that moment, because of all of those emotions, Aki understood why he'd wanted to so badly for Ueno to clarify his earlier mumblings. He wanted to hear Ueno tell Aki that he loved him, so he could tell him that he felt the same way and know that they shared the feeling.
He also felt pathetic, because now he realized that if he never heard them, no matter how satisfying his life was, there would always be a small hole that only those words could fill. Things could be almost perfect, but not quite.
Wasn't he too young for this? Wouldn't a saner adult tell him that he wasn't old enough to know what he wanted or how he felt? That people his age were fickle, and could change their minds as frequently as they changed clothes?
His mother used to always tell him that even though he was young, he had an old soul. It was her way of justifying his brooding and reluctance to include himself in their attempts for normal family interaction. Aki used to roll his eyes, but now he was inclined to agree with her and couldn't chalk his feelings up to a childish infatuation, although these days he sometimes wished he was a little more carefree. He was sharp enough to recognize the signs of being in love. The realization hit him so suddenly, but he knew it wasn't going to pass.
Daylight was approaching, the official indication of the beginning of their weekend. The tentative plan was either to get as far away from the hotel as possible, or hide in his apartment all day and avoid his family. As long as there was an absence of outsiders, Aki would be content no matter where he was.
Ueno would need to rest anyway. He had been burning the candle at both ends and would be suffering from that blow to his head, an inevitable hangover, as well as some sore body parts and tender skin.
Abandoning his cheek, Aki moved again, searching for Ueno's hand. He shifted closer, lifting Ueno's warm fingers to his lips.
Sleep threatened to overcome him. Aki shifted around in bed until his head rested on the small of Ueno's back. He arranged the blanket, which had started to slip from the bed during their playtime, around his body.
He tasted the sharp flavor of cinnamon on his lips, and hoped Ueno wouldn't be incredibly humiliated once he recalled the night's proceedings. But that was fine, too, because Aki would be there for reassurance. They had nothing to be ashamed of, and simply holding hands and light pecks on the lips were no longer acceptable. Aki had some progress of his own to make, but after tonight, Ueno was going to have to man up too.
That, or get eaten alive.
